Transcript: Salty Emotions
Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.
This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together- even when things get a bit salty! You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them.
Today, we are talking about salt and emotions. And, what does one have to do with the other? So let's just think for a minute about salt. It's been around forever and ever. So have emotions. It has a variety of uses. Some of them are wonderful, and some of them are rather yucky. And, that's true for emotions as well.
We have found a lot of uses for salt over the years, and we'll talk about a few of them today. You can go on the internet and look for all the other ones, because some of them are really sort of fascinating. But we have 1,000,001 uses for emotions, and some of us would say, I have 1,000,001 emotions too yet. Probably true.
Well, let's take a little walk through. First of all, we have salt, like in our salt shakers. We might have flavored salt. We might have just plain salt and pepper shakers. Those salt and pepper shakers are usually meant to put just a little dash of flavor on something. When our kiddos get hold of that salt shaker, and they just pour it on. We're like, "Whoa, whoa wait! Whoa... slow, slow down!" We know that they are using too much. There are many emotions that we only need a little bit of, just lightly mix them in with the activity and it will make it just delightful. But, too much emotion makes it overwhelming. But not any emotion, just makes it a little flat or bland. So I can think that this might be true.
I was a soccer mom, for years, and a swim mom. My kids told me, "Don't yell so much. Don't cheer." To them, my emotions and my excitement, for my kids and for the team, sometimes, was a little heavy on the salt. Now, I didn't think so. But they did, because they wanted less emotion, at least, less visible emotion. "Stop shaking it all over the place, Mom. Be quiet." But, you might have another place where people would say, "Whoa, slow down on the emotion there, girl." "Hold up guy." Or, on the other end of the spectrum, some of you would say, "What's going on? You don't seem to respond to this at all? You've got no emotion!”
Well, we can also notice it in our kiddos, right? Teaching them how to give a little bit of emotion, instead of just wailing with every inch of their body about something. That takes time for them. They've got a brain development piece here that we talked about in our DNA For Fun Communications Course about how to keep their brain connected. That usually happens more between the ages of three and four, or three and five, as their brain learns how to stay connected nicely, so they don't throw such big emotional outbursts. But we still want to continue to teach them what amount of emotion is appropriate for this kind of place.
Another reason we use salt, at least in the areas that I live, is to melt ice. Now there's a delightful way to do this if we're going to make ice cream. It melts the ice, and it makes it colder. We also use salt to stop ice from forming, or to melt it on our sidewalks to keep us safe. So, both ways, salty emotions can be used to make something delicious, like ice cream. It takes the right amount of salt. Not enough salt doesn't get that water and the ice temperature cold enough to really freeze up the whipped cream. And, that's true for some emotions. They have to be at the right amount, in order to build the deliciously fun event or experience. So this could be the right amount of emotions to make movie night fun, or the right amount of emotions to make birthdays fun. And, watching and being aware of other people around, can help us decide how much emotion we need in order to really build up a fun experience for people.
But salt can also be used to stop something dangerous, like ice on a walking path, or ice where we're going to drive. And there are emotions that we want to use, as well, that really help to build up that place of safety. Oh, sometimes if it's intense we dump a whole lot of salt down, really fast, because it needs to melt right now. And so sometimes, there are emotions that have some anxiety, or some worry, or some caution, that says "Whoa, stop right there." But most of the time, we just sprinkle this salt down a path. It slowly melts the ice, and there are emotions that we use to slow our anxiety and communication down, too. This is self controlled emotion to slowly deal with something dangerous. For example, in the face of danger, being calm or cautious, without being overly loud or really over the top anxious, will help to lower the worry and the concern. This controlled and measured emotion can really help the danger and fear settle down.
I can maybe see that my kiddo has had a lot of stimulation. And I can see that we're going to try to do supper, and I already know they don't like green beans. Yeah, what's going to happen here? Probably a screaming fight about the beans that they don’t like. So I might just sort of say to my husband, "Supper is going to be tentative here. Let's just give them whatever food we can get them to eat. And then, let's quietly move to bedtime. If they discover later on that they want a little snack, an extra graham cracker, or a piece of cheese, or a yogurt, then let's just do that. But let's just get through supper time." I'm going to slow down when I can see my kid, who was really on the edge, and make it so that they can ease their way back to having some calm, even though they're overtired. I might do this with my spouse, as well, when I can see they're over done. Don't add something else to it. Use your emotions to slow down the danger, the excitement, and the anxiety, because that's a good use of salt. It's a good use of emotions.
On a little happier note, salt is often used in cooking or in baking. I much prefer baking to cooking, so we're going to go that direction. If you're a one who likes to cook, and make meals, then maybe you'll use it the same way and think about what you're making for supper. Salt in baking has so many good uses, not just for flavor, but for creating a better consistency, for creating a better balance between flour and sugar, for creating a little bit more rising power for something that we want a little sponge or a little poof to. But it has to come, just like everything else, in the right amount. Because too much salt creates a funny flavor. The salt over takes other things that are needed in order to make the cake, or the cookies, or the brownies that I'm making stay poofy and balanced and to bake evenly.
Salt, in our world of making things sweet can compare with emotions and creating a sweet space, is best tempered with a whole lot of other ingredients. My brownies probably have six ingredients. One of them is a quarter of a teaspoon of salt, but a full cup of butter. Yeah, these are good brownies, you'll love them! Listen to the difference in the ratio of the salt to the butter. And, often that's true for emotions;we just need a dash of it. They need an extra smile, a little wink, a hand touch, a "Yeah for you." It doesn't have to be over the top. It just has to be added, a little bit, because it spreads throughout and impacts everything else. As soon as I say, "You did a really nice job." That little kiddo stands up a little taller. They feel a little more courageous. When I say, "I bet you you can do that with Joey over there." They feel like they can. And, all I did was a little bit of encouragement, which grew in them to be that full size brownie. I could, and they did. Just a little bit of encouragement; a little bit of affirmation; a little bit of "I believe in you," goes such a long way for our kiddos and for our spouses.
Moving on, we can also use salt for our health. Every now and then, I get over stressed. You probably don't, but I do. Every now and then, I get over stressed. And then, I like to grow canker sores, or sort of sores in my mouth. I'm not sure exactly what they're called, but they don't feel very good. They don't last very long. They are usually connected to stress, and a little bit of salt water swishing around in my mouth, helps to heal them. Now, we know that our body needs salt. It needs iodine, in that salt. It needs many different kinds of salt, for lots of health purposes. This is just one that I use.
We need emotions for health too. Going totally salt free, is not always the safest thing to do. Going emotionless is not going to lead to good personal health, physically or relationally, with your kids, or with others around you. We need emotions for good physical and mental health. So, you might say, "I don't like emotions. All they do is get me into trouble. I have way too many of them, and they're just a mess. I am better off flat-lining." Oh, you might be flat-lining, but I'm going to tell you, you're probably still have emotions. You've just flat-lined or ignored them because they created a mess somewhere and you decided life was better without them. And, for that time and place you might be right. It doesn't mean there isn't a whole stack of them laying all low and slow underneath.
We need emotions, for health. It's learning how to use them, in the right balance, that's often the trick. And, this means that if you have an emotion that you think, "This one is always way too big." Then break it down. Look up on the internet. There are lots of emotion wheels that show a variety of emotions, and how one emotion leads to another leads to another. And, usually it's a big emotion, that if we can break it down... if I'm angry, and I can break it down... no, I'm usually disappointed. And, I'm usually disappointed in myself, because I haven't lived up to what I knew I could do. Now, I can deal with disappointment and make a plan for next time. For when I'm tempted to do something that I want to do, but I'm scared to do. I can make a plan about how to carry that forward that manages my anger, and my anxiety,and my disappointment, in a very, very different way. And, now I've added emotional salt for my health.
Finally, we can use salt to clean things. I think that this is really sort of fun, because as you read about it, one of the uses for salt is to clean out those coffee, or the tea stains inside your cup. That a little bit of salt with a little bit of water, and scrub, scrub, scrub, and away it goes. Rinse it out with hot water, and it’s sparkly clean! We also need emotions to clean the little things that build up. The things that we just want to look and feel better. And, emotions are meant for that, to help clean out some of the chemical build up. What do I mean? Sometimes our anxiety is so high, we just want to cry. Sometimes we're so angry, we just need to jump and go someplace and wail and yell, and just be very physical about it, without creating damage. That's a lot of salt... that's a lot of emotion, but it then cleans us out, so that our brains can reset. Then, we can actually think clearly.
Next week, we'll talk about wisdom. And, wisdom will build on all of these ideas here. Using emotions to clean up relationships is also wise. Our best way of being in relationship with people is to emotionally connect. And that means, we have to use those emotions to keep a clean relationship. It means saying, "I'm sorry." It means saying, "I forgive you. How can I help you?" It means saying, "I love you. I care about you. I see your distress. Come on, we'll figure it out. It'll be okay." It's supportive, and it's kind.
I'm just gonna invite you, as you think about salt, as you touch salt... you probably will in some way or another today, that you continue to think:
How are my emotions?
Am I giving them the right dosage, for the situation that it's in?
And, am I using it for my health, and for others' health?
Am I using it in a protective way?
Am I using my emotions in a way that creates delightful, delicious things, like my brownies?
I talk like this is easy. It's not. It creates intentional, on purpose, choices. Just like when we shake the salt on, we're intentional about how much to use, and when to stop. I measure things when I'm baking. It's okay to have measured, usable emotions. And so I just want to encourage you to continue to think about how can I use my emotional spaces in places best? Also, how can I help my kiddos? When you come up with the “how you can”, then write it down and do it. As you do, your kiddos will mature and grow over time, and your family, and your marriage will grow.
I want to thank you today for listening in to this silly little thing about emotions and salt. And, I just want to encourage you to have fun talking about these ideas with your friends.
Of course, there's a printable. Grab it. Share it, and have fun talking with your kids about salt and emotions.
Our communications course called DNA For Fun is also a wonderful way to learn about emotions, and how they fit into relationships. Check it out on the website at Usandkids.com. And, if you have questions, email me. If you want to purchase, we have a great money back guarantee. So if you just want to try it out, you can do that, as well.
I look forward to talking with you again next week. Bye. Bye.
