Transcript: Big Emotions and Kids

Welcome to the Us and Kids podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent  together. Some of you think that that's impossible, especially when your kiddos have really big emotions and they zap you. We're going to talk about that today. I also want to encourage you to just subscribe to the Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app so that you can just get a little bit of support for free from a professional on a weekly basis. It is good for you and good for your family to have a little underground support that helps to just hold you steady. I'm cheering for you. Let's get on with it. Here we go,

Feelings. Feelings and kiddos. Feelings and adults.  Feelings and emotions. They're both in us. They start when we're infants, and they never leave, even if we learn how to stuff them really well. They aren't gone. They are a normal part of life.

And today we're talking about the big emotions that can seem to show up in our kids, the emotions that we can't seem to find a way to soothe or to calm, or to tame.  The ones that just feel like it's beyond their control and it's beyond our control. They can come up with any kid faster than someone can vomit!  And it often sounds and feels like word vomit and emotional vomit all over the place!  Nobody quite knows what to do or how to respond.

Last week, in Episode 44, we talked about the adult brain, and big emotions. We talked about understanding the brain a bit more and where the emotions develop early on in life.  They are in the very center part of our brain, the part of our brain that builds emotional attachment to memories. And so we're going to focus a little bit more on that emotional space, because we're building our kids brains architecture. Remember we talked about this in the DNA for Fun Communications Course, in the 2nd module about managing our emotional self. And we're building this brain format for our kids, so that our kids have a really good set up for good mental health.

We're going to be working towards impacting that architecture today as we talk about their big emotions.  We're really talking about helping to develop their brain. So take a pencil and a pen, get the printable and really clue into this. It's gonna be helpful for you and for your kiddos for the long run.

 So take a pencil and a pen, get the printable and really clue into this. It's gonna be helpful for you and for your kiddos for the long run. So let's start for a minute. Big emotions, how do we define them. Right. One way is to say, well, they're just emotions that adults or parents are uncomfortable with. Maybe the kid isn't uncomfortable with it but the parents and the adults are. The kid feels quite fine. Another way that they can be defined as ones that are embarrassing, either to you or to your kiddos in public, like in a store or one's emotions that you think make you look like a bad parent. And so you become distressed, because you think the kiddo is trying to put a bad mark on you. Don't give your kid all that much credit. Okay, they're just trying to figure out how to decompress themselves.

Big emotions for a kiddo are often ones that he will say, she will say, can't seem to stop them on his own. They just come and overtake him. Often he feels shamed or ashamed of them. Why do kiddos have big emotions??

Usually this is a mixture of the emotions, all coming into one place. And they have them or they demonstrate them often because they don't have words; they don't know the words that go with the emotions and they don't have enough language structure (especially before two three or four),  to really be able to articulate exactly what's going on and how to link the factual event in with how their emotions match that. Their brains aren't developed enough, aren't connected tight enough to put that together. It will get there, but it's not there yet. And it's not their fault. When you are two, three and four, your brain isn't that tightly connected, either. So we have to have some patience here. Remembering that we are the ones as parents, impactors of these kiddos in terms of how to help their thoughts and their emotions, stay in a space that they can continue to be linked up with.  Often they're anxious, and they're afraid. 

And we talked about this in the episode before this, that the parts of the brain that release transmitters and release the norepinephrine, the cortisol, the adrenaline here, all start to work and change the chemical balance of this little kiddos brain when they're anxious gets flooded with emotions that makes them frightened. And the only way they can release those emotions is often through tears and through volume coming out of their mouth. They are trying to reset. They are not trying to upset you. They are trying to reset themselves.

If we can become close enough to them. That means we have to be somewhat calm, and they have to see us as not being a threat. Often they will allow us to comfort them. This takes a little bit because their brain has to read past the fear, the amount of cortisol and adrenaline that's flooding their brain, to read pass that into realizing that what my mommy, or my daddy is doing is safe for me.

This is not easy. It takes time, it takes patience. Remember, in DNA for Fun we talked about looking for the long haul. What is our desire? What do we want this kiddo to be like when they're an adult? And that's what you're parenting towards - a little person who grows up into a big person who can manage their emotion and their thoughts equally. And can get them connected so that when they talk about their emotional place and experience, it makes sense. When they need to adjust their emotions, they can. So  that was my desire for my children as I raised them and you could redefine it in terms of what you want for your kids. But remember that you are helping to develop this with them.

Okay, let's talk about a few other things.

Is there a way to ward off these big emotional explosions?? Please!!  And sometimes the answer is yes. Not always, but sometimes yes it does take some thought on our part.  If we can think ahead and pay attention to do we know, what triggers our kiddo....such as if they're really hungry, if they're overtired,

If they're going to become anxious, they don't like change and something weird is going to happen that they aren't really equipped for, or if they're feeling left out or embarrassed or blamed for something... do those kinds of things trigger them to become more agitated and more easily set off?

When we understand those things -  what our kiddos triggers are or is, then we can prepare them. So we can say, "We're going to new people's houses, mommy and daddy know them but you haven't met them yet. Then you're taking a little one on your lap and showing them a picture. And you talk about mommy and daddy are going to stay. You can hold my hand. You can also play with their toys but you won't take it home. What do you want to take in the car with you, that you probably won't want to leave in the car, but if you want something with you in the car you can take that." You see, we're going to just talk this through with our kiddo, helping them and preparing them for what's going to happen.

Oh, they say, "No,I don't want to go! No, I don't want to go!" kind of thing. And we are going to just help them, calmly. Two episodes ago we talked about these boundaries and about having to say something to a kid or five to seven times before their brain really hears it and understands it comprehends it.  I'm telling you this is gonna be a five to seven time conversation about talking about it and helping them work through how it will be okay.

So you can hear, we want you to think ahead. 

Was there a trigger coming up, because of what's going to happen?? And how do I help my kiddo with this?

 And we need time. We need time to think about it. Our kiddo also needs time to think about it.

You might have known about going to this friend's house for a week. You just haven't told your kiddo -  who now has thought about it for 12 and a half seconds. You've been thinking about it and anticipating it. And you think they can just jump on board. We're better off often talking about it with them. Not in an anxious way. Sometimes in the beginning of the week, when I knew we were going to visit, I would just show a picture and say,  "Look, I have some new friends. Their names are Joel and Julie. I don't know what your friends' names are but there you go, right!  "Their friends are Joel and Julie -  aren't they fun? Maybe we'll see them sometime!"  That's the beginning of the week.  Now and then I'm going to just introduce that topic so that my little one has time to think about it, too. And then another t word. We're going to talk with them about it.

I've been saying this all along, right, we're going to do it, honestly, and ahead of time, and work remember that tenderness goes a long way. Compassion brings calm to our little ones and calm helps them cooperate. Instead of just laying the law down about,   "You better go! You better behave! and you better not be naughty and you better not scream!"  That's intimidating, and that little one just got their brain filled with fear. And that sets them off on the wrong foot.

Being kind and gentle towards them keeps them moving in the right direction so that they work to cooperate. They really don't want the whole thing to go sideways. 

They just need to know that they are in a safe place with you. Whether or not you're right next to them, or whether or not you're at the dining table, and they're playing with Legos on the floor. 

So what have we said so far? We've said think ahead, give them time, talk with him about it. Do it tenderly and teach them emotional words. Okay. Sometimes kids, when we say,  "What are you feeling?"  they won't know any emotional words to go with that. That's a new language. So then we can say, "What can you feel in your body?" and sometimes he will say, "I can fell my ears feeling funny. Or my fingers are itchy, (that means that the fingers are tingling) or my, my head is circles. (They're swirling in my head and I can't see straight.) I feel like freeze tag. (Oh you're frozen, you don't know how to move or think). They'll talk about exploding just out of their head. They have yet to use an emotion word with you, but they sure are telling you what they're feeling.

Listen to it, understand about it, don't say that stupid or that dumb or what do you feeling like that for - it's not that big a deal. Just accept and acknowledge, because with that you can begin to teach them words about anxious or nervous or worried.  You can talk to them about feeling too lonely or worrying about being left behind, or mommy and daddy forgetting them and leaving them behind. They're not realistic worries, but they're real to your kiddo in their heart. It talks about their fears. And you're going to tenderly talk with them about that.

It can also help, sometimes, when we're reading our books or we're watching a show, when we're seeing somebody have really big emotions on their show (a kids show that's wise for them to watch). But then we can pause that show and  we can say, "You know ,what PJ Mask did here, or what Sophia and her friend did over here, or whatever other show you're watching....". You can see how they resolve their big emotion and see what once if there's something there that helps your kiddo connect to that.  Remember they're line between imaginary friends and real people is more blurred than yours and mine is. And so they can take and apply that often more easily than we can.

So teach, and explain those emotions. Sometimes we do feeling faces, we draw faces, you can pull up some emojis, - any of these will help as well. But you can also, as your kiddos have emotions, help them to understand what are the boundaries around  expressing them. They really don't want to be naughty or break things. They're just trying to reset. It's okay for you to say, you may not:

You may do this.

So you may not hurt yourself.

You may not bite yourself or hit yourself or bang your head on the wall.

 You may not bite or hit, or scratch me or your, your brothers or your sisters.

However, you may jump. 

You may scream, you can hit a pillow. 

You can cry, you can clap. 

You can do all four of them at once. 

You can run around. You can kick a soccer ball. 

You can do somersaults, you can roll down the hill if you want to. 

You may not hurt yourself.

So, we're here to help them get that emotional energy out in a way that doesn't create harm doesn't break things. We want them to do it in a way so that afterwards they are not ashamed. They just feel better, but they're not ashamed. Nothing is broken that they have to replace or throw away. 

Remember the gentleness, that tenderness from you is really important. The other words for this is empathy. Your kiddo is distressed too. And the more tender and kind you are, the more you can help their brain settle down. They are trying to get the chemicals in their brain washed away so they can think again.  Show them that you are not frightened by them, or of them or of their emotions.  It helps them see that they don't have to be scared either and they will be okay. Now this takes courage, from you, and from them. 

So, this is for you to do some thinking, and remembering to make a game plan how to handle the next time Johnny does this or that... The next time Susie screams so loud that the people in China could hear. 

Get your courage on and make yourself a game plan. Remember the T's. We are going to think ahead. We're going to give time to both you and your kid. I'm going to talk with them, you're going to be tender and you're going to help them put on emotional words.

A few other things that sort of just fill in some spaces here and add a little more to it, teach them how to self soothe, how to calm down, and teach them how to tone down their emotions. So sometimes it works better when they are closer to 4 years old as you help them work up a plan for when they're distressed.

So when they can start to feel their head want to explode or their fingers tingle, they might be able to say, "No, I have to go wash my hands for a minute, mom!  I just have to go wash my hands!" And we're going to let them do that because they're saying they're going to reset.

Don't say, "Get in the car right now!"  You're going to lose.  Give them two and a half minutes to wash their hands because they're going to be able to come in the car and be okay. Help them learn how to self soothe.

Help them if they say: I just need to get to my room, I need to lay on my bed, I need to get my stuffy. I need to wash my face. I need to breathe, I need to kick my soccer ball. I need a hug. Help them learn that language and say that language.

Another thing you can do: This empowers them, it feels a little backwards but this empowers them, is to  help them to see where they might play a role in the tension. You see, they're wondering why they're exploding and why everybody's just stressed at them. But what they just did was poke their sister for the 14th time. And finally sister got mad and punched. Oh, okay, we get it. Do you see what happens as they get older (they have to be four years old or older), and the older they are the more they'll link these together when they are calm again. They will see what they did and how that impacted the situation, and now they can start to see the connection. 

Teach them at this age to say, "What I am feeling is bothered because she won't give it to me - my sister won't give it to me! I am feeling bothered." Oh. And, if they can add on to that sentence, "What I wish would happen....!!!"  Or said more calmly, "What I wish would happen..." is that she would give it to me."   Once they can say that you can problem solve.  So teaching them those two beginning sentences. What I am feeling is and what I wish would happen is, leads to a space of problem solving.

As they learn these skills, you will work with them and you will learn these skills.  Help them by taking a step back and letting them practice it. Don't take the power away from them by doing it for them. Let them practice it. This gives them power over their emotions, so that they are the boss of their emotions instead of their emotions being the boss of them. That personal power is really important.

Invite them afterwards to evaluate evaluate (a big word for them), but help them think about it. What worked, what did they want to do better next time? What do they think would help? I want to remind you, this is parenting. This is not a clean line, it's not a to b. It's not step 1234.  It would be nice if it was!  We have kids and we're humans and we aren't perfect and our kids aren't perfect, and every situation is a little different. So, instead of thinking of it as a straight line. Think of it as a learning line of zigs and zags. It's frontwards, backwards, it's frontwards, it's backwards. Keep working with them. You're building brain architecture. It takes time and tenderness.  As you do, and you practice with them, creativity and compassion and courage will develop. They will learn those skills and learn to direct that emotional energy into those powerful, powerful, emotional directions of being creative, of being compassionate and of being courageous.

As we teach to work with those big emotions. We're also teaching our kids so your storylines. Remember we talked about this last time (podcast #44). I am important. I am valued. I am not a failure. I can help. I am included. And I play an important role in my family. The desire in my heart is that my kiddos learn those sentences and that that's the storyline in their heart and locked into the emotional section, the amygdala section of their brain.

So I encourage you to work these two podcasts back together. Clean up your own storylines and now help your kids write their stories well. Of course, if you want to upgrade this or understand it more, just go to Us and Kids, sign up for the DNA for Fun Communications Course as an individual couple. It's on sale now. It's got a nice little discount attached to it. And I'm eager to have it be used by you, so that you can enhance your marriage and your family.

We know that you truly do want to be married forever while you parent together! With joy to you!

Talk to you later. Bye bye.