Transcript: 

Donut Day!

Welcome to the US and kids Podcast. I am your host, Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together.  You and I know, it's not an easy task!  So I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here. And so glad that you are working to make your marriage and your home, fulfilling and so very good. 

So today we're going to talk about donuts. And would you please tell me what National Donut Day has to do with the DNA for Fun Communications Course?  What does National Donut Day have to do with being married forever while you parent  together? National Donut Day is on June 5, or the first Friday in June each year.  And it comes, interestingly enough, out of the Salvation Army in World War One. And the wars after that, where the Salvation Army worked with and served the troops, freshly baked fried dough. It sent  delicious smells throughout the camp, and the troops would come to the service hut and enjoy a taste of home that brought encouragement and emotional support and joy to those service members.

 Now let's go back to World War One. It's not really a day in my really good memory -  probably not being very clear in your memory either.  We know it's true from history. This is the day when letter writing and sending was on a slow boat across the ocean.  No internet, no electronic means for relationship connections. Those things didn't happen. 

What does this have to do with our joy of eating donuts in our everyday life? Well, part one: Sometimes our homes can feel like battlegrounds. We have stress between our spouses, us in the kids, tension at work or with the in laws. And like the troops, sometimes it feels like there isn't really much of a way out. Well maybe if you can get the war to end. Then you could go home. If you were injured or dead, you could go home.

So the war ending in your house is not a bad idea. The DNA for Fun Communications Course can help you slow down those wars and get them down to little squabbles.   We don't want you injured or dead or divorced because of tension in your home. Is there a different way?  What if there is a way that can bring encouragement and safety and calm, amidst the chaos of your home? Could that be possible?  

Well, let's go back to what those Salvation Army girls did. Part one: they had empathy. They saw pain and suffering and loneliness. And they knew that they had limited supplies like you may have limited energy or limited money. And yet, the girls Salvation Army girls noticed that the boys needed some hope. Hope changes everything. And so they looked into the troops' hearts, just like you will look into your family's hearts and figure out what would encourage them most. The girls figured out, it would be something from home, something that was familiar, something that was safe, something that connected them to their families.

How can we apply those elements to our places of tension in our house?  The Salvation Army girls had a goal to encourage the troops, especially when they were down. So when you see one of your family members down or discouraged or dismayed, be like the Salvation Army girls, and notice. Don't ignore it. But instead, pay attention. Emotionally and creatively, look for a way to respond to it. Think about what's your goal. Remember that in DNA for Fun, we're going to talk about your Desire: What do you want and what's your Dream. Think about your Desires and Dreams for the end of this conversation, the end of this year, the end of this relationship, hopefully never ending.  But what do you want? And what would be good for those who are looking at who are discouraged? 

How would you help them be a part of that goal? The guys didn't get out of the slump themselves. They had some help from the simple thing of having a doughnut and the delicious smells that came with it. Encourage your family members in simple ways. This wasn't extravagant, this wasn't a five course meal that they serve the troops. These were doughnuts - clumps of dough, deep fried, sprinkled with some sugar. It wasn't extravagant. Remember encouragement doesn't take an awful lot. Give it away, give it away a lot. That's what the Salvation Army girls did. 

And the Salvation Army girls worked together. A couple of them had the original idea. And then that idea and the doughnut making spread throughout the camps around the war zones. The two girls had to have the courage to be creative with basic ingredients. And they had to take a risk that the guys would like it. So what about your household? Where would a little bit of kind creativity go a long way. How can you and your spouse team up, or you're in another kiddo team up to help and encourage somebody to help? You just change a little bit of behavior ? would you smile a little more, would you hold a few more hands or sit down and read a book, would you put down your phone, and actually pay attention. eye to eye at their level? Think about what you can do, so that your little one is more encouraged and can smell your sweet encouragement and hope, like the guys could smell, and then grew hope as they smell the delicious smell of that bread baking and frying.  It wasn't much, but they gave it. And neither is a handhold or quick little eye to eye connection. "You're so special to me!"  Or actually looking at them when you hand them the three carrots and maybe,  a little bit of peanut butter you're putting with it. Keep on looking at what else you were doing, but actually bending down and handing it to them, serving it  to them. It's just a little something that goes a long way.

Well, maybe the truth is that you also need the encouragement from another parent or from somebody in your church or parent mentor that you know.  We as parents also have some suffering. Parenting is hard. Staying married well while we parent together  has real work in it. And there can be pain and sadness and discouragement. Those we love can take emotional energy from us. And sometimes, because we feel like we're limited in that emotional energy, we're hesitant to give it away. But what we can learn from our salvation army girls is that, as they gave it away, the troops were encouraged and their resolve to hang in there in the midst of tension was strengthened, .Giving it away actually helped the troops stay in it to finish. 

This was ugly stuff they were fighting. They were seeing things none of us ever want to see, and experiencing things none of us ever want to experience.  The girls stayed in it together and continued to give hope and a place of safety. So, where you need encouragement in order to stay in it, go and get some!  Give it to your spouse and get it from other people that are also in it with you.  Seeing the troops as they ate their doughnuts together, they began to smile.  And as one smile spread to another, guy to another guy to another guy... somebody told a little joke from home, and somebody else finally laughed for the first time in a month! That hope and that encouragement is contagious! When you need it, ask for it! When you have a little extra, give it away. It's a really good investment. 

What's the next thing to notice?  The troops related home to a place of safety for you and your family. It's not really often the easiest question to ask but it's an important one. In what ways is your home a place of safety? In what ways can you make your home more safe? Could you manage finances better? Could you balance emotional stress in a way that isn't quite so loud or intense or scary? It's important to make it more physically safe, either through physical interaction, or simply by the layout of the house. Is it important in physical safety to simply say it's time to clean up? Time to get rid of some germs, time to figure out how to put toys away safely so we don't step over and trip on them.Is it spiritually staying positive?

 I am pausing because I want you to think about it.  Take a note and say, "We can upgrade this so that our home is a place of safety."  I'm not quite sure how the troops would have reacted if the girls had started to just sort of throw some doughnuts at them while they were in a foxhole with bullets going around. I think they would have said, "No, that's distracting!! No, thank you, I've got to save my life!!"  We have  to have a place of safety, so that people can settle down and reset. That's important within a household. In DNA for Fun, we're going to talk about especially how to make things emotionally safe. We will learn how to manage our own emotions, but also learn how to speak clearly and listen accurately and use touch effectively. 

Remember, we're looking to build hope, and not despair. The girls there didn't blame or criticize or ignore the guys, they simply looked for a way to bring safety into a scary space. And they brought safety through the doughnuts, through their hope, and also through their calmness. 

You can do it too. When there's something scary going on,  just work a little creatively. This means having to keep your own self calm, so that you can bring some calm. Some gentle humor and some reassurance that everything will be okay might be wise. And then also add some compassion because when things are scary, things ARE scary. We don't ignore them, we acknowledge that. And we hug and we hold, and we protect.  

A little scenario might be like this: You and your spouse had a bit of a yelling match. You really didn't want the kids to hear but you're pretty sure the voices were pretty loud, your kids were supposed to be asleep but you're not so sure they stayed asleep. You just know that they didn't get out of bed. The thought is maybe they just crawled under their covers a little farther. 

Now, there are two places of tension in your home: you and your spouse, and you and your kids. So for you and your spouse, first look for those places of hope. Have compassion and encouragement. While you're truthful, also be kind.  Look for places to say, "I am sorry", and mean it. Use your eyes and your smile to help go back to places and spaces of optimism. Don't let the ugly overtake the good.  Learn from these troops. They didn't let the ugly overtake them.They stayed in it together.

For your kids, answer their questions. Remind them and live with them in spaces of calm. Often kids reset best when they see that mom and dad are doing something well together and they include the kids. This could be making breakfast, this could be riding bikes, this could be playing a game, this could be everybody folding laundry together, if that's what you usually do. It could be reading a book. These are active things. These are not things lost in the phone, individually experiencing but like all in front of the same screen. You're doing them together so that you can encourage each other. 

 A bike ride has a, "Hey! You're balanced! Way to keep up with us!".  

A playing game is, "That's a good choice!"  

breakfast is,  "You make the best eggs, ever!" 

These are things that are familiar to your kids and they will help that sense of safety return. It's what the doughnuts did for the troops. It was a familiar smell of bread baking. It triggered for them the safety of home and helped them reset to calm. 

Remember that, like the Salvation Army girls, you are looking towards the end goal.  You have a Defined Desire, you have a Dream and hope for your family. That's what the D in the DNA for Fun is.  They wanted to encourage and refresh the troops; you want to encourage and refresh your marriage, your spouse and your kiddos. And like the Salvation Army girls, you will use the skills and the creativity you have at hand. Remember they have limited supplies so they couldn't be fancy. They were practical and they were courageous. And when you are defusing tension and trying to build into your household, you probably are also going to need to be practical. They had to look at the limited supplies and think about what they could do. They weren't deciding to do nothing. They were deciding to do something with what they have. That takes courage and it would be the same for you.

Your Necessary skills, the N in DNA for Fun, may not necessarily be perfect. Their recipe wasn't perfect. It was just helpful. Your skills, the things we will teach in DNA for Fun for how to listen, how to demonstrate good care and how to encourage may not be perfect, but they are really helpful and good. 

Historically, we know that the donut of 1938 has evolved into several flavors and different recipes. The same for you as you continue to mix up your recipes for bringing hope and encouragement into your household. You will find ones that are really valuable, that work best for this kid but not that kiddo.  Skills that work best under this circumstance but not that one. You will find valuable ones that are impactful and that are usable. You know that Salvation Army recipe has been used and applied to the world millions and millions of times.  And your recipe for encouragement can also be applied millions of times. 

I'm encouraging you -  enjoy the donut this week in honor of our servicemen and women, and in honor of your own family members. Use your courage and your calm, to bring hope and joy and a sense of safety to those around you. 

When you want a better recipe, sign up for that DNA for Fun Communications Course. We're going to help you zone in on your Defined Desire, what do you Dream and want your family to be like, and then we're going to help you learn those Necessary skills, the key ingredients that build hope and encouragement and strength, and we're going to help you Apply them to any Age, at any stage of those living in your household. D, the N, and the A. 

Check out the website: usandkids.com, and then join us by signing up for the DNA for Fun Communications Course. It's starting June 22, 2020! I want to thank you for listening and for joining me today because you are worth it! 

Thanks again! Talk to you next week. Bye bye.