Transcript:  Christmas Chaos

Welcome to the Us And Kids Podcast. We are glad you are here. I am Jan Talen, a wife, a mom, a grandma, and a marriage and family therapist. I am glad to be a part of the chaos of December with you.
I also wanted to let you know that the Us And Kids Communication Program will open again in January. It is an effective and efficient communication program. Build your skills for connecting you with your spouse and your kiddos - at the same time.  It's eight modules long. And has lots of professional support that leads you through great personal and relationship skills that will help to tone down the tensions and build up the connections. It's fun and it's practical.  Check it out on the website today.

So it's December. Do you feel a little bit crazy? Like maybe the world is always spinning and you try to jump on, but tumble off, embarrassingly. Or maybe from time to time you secretly bumble and jump off. Sometimes maybe you even find that you're gracefully, able to step out for a while. Or do you thrive under the chaos?  Or does the chaos thrive inside of you - eating your brain, your sanity, yourself and your relationships?

Well, it's often called National Chaos Day.  Not particularly this specific day, but a day in November is National Chaos Day. And I think we could do better by calling it just National Chaos Season.
Wait, isn't it supposed to be the Christmas season? In the spiritual space of my Christian faith and the celebration of Jesus' birthday in about a month, I know that he says he came to bring peace on all levels deep within our hearts and our minds, as well as the world around us. But if you and I dare to look around, it looks anything but peaceful. It looks, and it often feels chaotic, unpredictable, messy, out of control or in the control of someone or something else.

So before we decide to fully embrace the chaos, which is sort of antithetical to our previous podcast, (number 107, about lightening up and loosening up), let's just take a little different look at chaos.
First of all, a little bit of history about this. It is called National Chaos Never Dies day in the United States and we celebrate it on November nine, every year.

Although truthfully, we might really live it all year long. But, oh my goodness, I hope that you don't live in chaos every day.
I'm realistic enough to know that chaos is a part of every day. Even when, and especially when, there are littles around.

So let's start with a definition. What does chaos mean? You might have some other words to add to this. We're going to use a rather short definition.
It is that chaos is complete disorder and confusion.
Complete, ooh, that's a little scary, right?
Maybe it's a lot of disorder and confusion.
It is the loss, or the absence, of organization and the confusion that ensues because of it. The confusion is caused within our hearts, our minds and our bodies because we were anticipating a space or event one way, and then it all changed.

But into what? We don't know.
And so it pulls apart our coping skills that are at work to help us stay calm and reasonable, even when things are messy. These skills let us realize that things might change - and that we will be okay. But, when our thoughts and emotions assess that we are not okay our feelings shift to more franticness and more aloneness and being more unsure.

We might not be able to think well or assess the situation or the problem well. Instead, in the middle of this chaos, we might feel overwhelmed with anger and with fear, with multitudes of uncertainty that holds us frozen in time and place.

I am celebrating, if you can call it that, a time when chaos moved into my life. Here is a brief story of the confusion and chaos that happened to me on November 16th, 2017.

I was in my daughter's house with a new, tiny grandbaby boy. So there was this choiceful chaos of a little newborn baby and of helping his big sister figure out what just happened.
And then at the same time, in that this little newborn’s house and big sister's house, there was construction or reconstruction that was going on. There was a plastic-tarp wall that separated the now tiny little living room and den from the new, dark, not safely finished, entryway and stairway to the soon to be upstairs bedrooms.

I was in a bit of a cleaning mode. I just wanted to leave their house as clean as I could before I went back to Michigan. And so, it was at night; the littles were asleep. I was going to give mom and dad a few minutes to themselves. And so I was on the construction side of the plastic, sweeping the construction dust off from the new set of stairs that were still under construction. And thus did not have a handrail.
It was indeed pretty dim lighting from a single light bulb. And it was very dark and stormy outside. I was feeling pretty good cause I had a pretty big pile of dust. This was worth my time.
And as I worked my way backwards down the stairs, on the inside corner of where the stairs were turning, I took one too many steps down without looking.

I stepped totally off the corner of the step and onto...nothing.
I was 11 steps up. I made a lot of noise landing full, unstopped force onto the construction landing below. My daughter and son-in-law tried to find their way through the dim construction light and the studs, trying to find my heaped up body.

Chaos for them was trying to find me. Chaos for me, was wondering what just happened and was I dead or dying?
I kept asking my daughter to check my head as it felt like it was bursting out blood, like a fountain. And so with her fingers and her phone flashlight, she finally convinced me there was no blood. That took a minute to sort of sink into my throbbing brain.

It also calmed me down from some of the chaos. There was no blood, but we still didn't really know if I had broken my neck or my back or what.
So probably unwisely, (which can happen in chaos), I decided that if I was not spurting blood, I might not be so bad. So I sat up. Yep. I've moved my head, my neck and my back.

And I began to check out if my arms and my legs moved. The answer was yes, except that my right wrist was bleeding from a bracelet I was wearing and didn't want to move very much. And my left leg and hip were not interested in holding weight. So the chaos of the first five minutes slowly got sorted out, as we determined I was hurt, but not dying.

I am pretty sure I should have been significantly hurt. We now know that I landed exactly on the top of my head because, even though there was no blood, there was a significant bruise.
My daughter and son-in-law were settling out the moments of chaos with their own processes about calling for an ambulance. I had not even thought of one of those and nor considered how an ambulance would impact the hospital that I would be brought to.
I, in my pretty stunned mind, said I didn't want an ambulance. I wasn't dying. And so we pulled up in a car.
I hobbled down the steps in the dark of the rainy night and lumped into the front seat. My daughter, with her newborn son in the car seat, joined me as we went off to the ER of their choosing. We were for the next five hours, of course.

Her internal chaos was different from mine. Once I saw that I wasn't dying, I gave no credit to anybody's worry about a brain bleed.
I didn't have the capacity for that kind of chaos right now.
I was just waiting through the process.
My daughter had her own trauma of driving her mom around,
of having no one at the ER entrance to help me and
being told by the security guy she had to move on when I couldn't walk and she couldn't move the car, carry her baby and help me all at the same time.  So her chaos continued to push on her coping skills while she was trying to hold herself together, post-baby hormones and body and all.

We were quite glad to be reunited after I was able to make it into the ER without falling or fainting. I think that if I had had some blood I might have gotten more help. If my head was bleeding, I think I could have gotten more help from the ER, but I didn't have any.  So I sort of fumbled and flumped my way into the ER and she caught up.
Fast forward. Lots of x-rays.
I didn't have a brain bleed.
I didn't have a broken leg or hip. I did break my wrist, but they just mashed the bones back together and sent me home. To this day, we are stunned at how fast this chaos took over, stunned by the fact that I was not dead or tied up to life support and stunned by how clear headed we thought we were in making decisions.

When others hear this story, they are stunned that I moved without an EMT looking me over first. And then I walked to the car instead of being wise and getting an ambulance. They are surprised that my daughter with her new baby went with me and my son in law stayed home with their little girl. They think it would have made more sense for him to go with me and maybe so, but that's not how we thought of it.

I know my daughter was very tired and weary from birth and all the body changes. And then to stay up all night with me was probably not the smartest for her. As you can hear, chaos can create this confusion and this really stretched our usually, fairly good, decision-making skills. Evaluating and determining the best course of action is not easy when there are so many new and unpredictable and unusual moving parts.

So let's go from my story to this season of chaos, we call Christmas.
And what can we use and learn to help chaos become enjoyable?
So one more story, a story with some adventure, but no real lingering trauma, much like my fall from the steps story, there are some things we learned.
1 - Keep on helping others.
There are risks, pay attention to them, but don't let them stop you from helping others.
And I was busy helping someone. There was a risk there. I didn't evaluate the risk very well. It would have been better for me to have stood on the wide part of the stairs instead of the narrow part. And to look each time I stepped down, I was just looking at my happy pile of dirt. Remember, even though there are

2 - When there is chaos, let others help you. I had to let my daughter and my son-in-law help me stand up, help me evaluate, help me make decisions. She did the dirty work of looking for my gusher of blood that I was sure was going off the top of my head. And when others in chaos offer to help, don't leave them or reject them.
My daughter doesn't like blood, but she didn't say, “Mom, I won't do that. I can't do it.” She sat down, hauled out her phone flashlight and checked for me. 

3 -  Get professional help and input. I wasn't sure if I wanted or needed to go to the hospital... After all, I wasn't bleeding and maybe my wrist would be fine in the morning. But, daughter and son-in-law thought, nope - not getting help was not an option.
And it was wise that I went to the ER.

4 -You hear my sigh? Let yourself calm down.
As I took in information about how my body was behaving, I allowed my brain, and it's rational sense that I held at the moment, to reassure me that everything would be okay. This falling thing and trip to the ER was just a dumb use of time. 
I worked to keep my thoughts from reliving it (the fall). Although I think I asked my daughter a few times what she thought had happened, I worked to calm down. I had to work at it.

5 -  Part of that calming down was knowing how to reset my emotions and thoughts as I got new information. Now, thankfully for me, the news about my head and brain and hip all came back clear and good, and that did help reset my fears.
My wrist needed stitches. That's uncomfortable, but okay. And then it needed to be reset once again. Not really comfortable, but necessary and doable right there. And with that information, I was able to breathe easier and gain a sense of smile and gratitude. Now I know that I had a lot of good news when there could have been lots and lots of bad news.

So what do I think I would have done if the reports were on the other end of the spectrum?
Probably cry.
Probably asked my daughter what to do.
Probably called my husband in Michigan, and probably prayed differently.
I think my usual MO is to slow things down so that I can think and not let the fear overtake me. And when and where that is possible that is something I suggest.
When the chaos is too big, so big, let others help. 

6 - Remember that time, hugs, hands, eye contact, sitting by and close can be so very helpful in helping our brains calm down. And when our brains calm down, then we can make the best plan possible with what you know, and what you are able to do at that time.

Lots of grace here, because people on the outside, who aren't in your place of chaos, might evaluate it very differently. They are not in your shoes.
Do the best you can.

You know, it's Christmas time, and I said, this is about Christmas and chaos. And so I'd like to share with you a story.
Many of you know, it's also a story of chaos.

It's a story about a young, unwed and yet pregnant couple who aren't sure if they still should stay together or not. Who's family, (both sides), probably were not really sure they wanted them around. Who were told/ordered to go to the city of their origin. It's a 70 mile walk with a donkey, no cars, no bikes, nothing.

It's your feet. Or it's a donkey. This ruling of “Go to that city of their origin” came because the king ordered it. And it didn't matter that this young girl was due to have a baby any day. Once she and her boyfriend husband got there, the places of lodging were full and they ended up in a barn with animals.

She is going into labor without any other women around to assist her in the birthing process. There were so many coping skills that they had to grow or learn or use or guess
and try on their own.
And together.
There were so many risks and unknowns that kept them unsure a bit and a lot.
I think they were also scared.

And yet they use the skills we talked about.
1 - Keep on helping each other. Mary and Joseph, this young couple in their culture from long ago in Bible days, were significantly challenged with this pregnancy. Yet Mary went to Aunt Elizabeth's house to help her. And in turn, Elizabeth also helped Mary grow in courage, and in confidence to become a new mom.

2 - Where there is chaos, let others help you. And in this Mary and Joseph story, a few other people did help them. The person in Bethlehem, (where they traveled to) helped them at least borrow this shelter of the barn.
Mary and Joseph stuck together in spite of great cultural pressure to break up. And then, as the story goes, shepherds, just a ways away, heard of this birth from Mary and came running to find baby Jesus.

They were a great encouragement to Mary and Joseph. They brought joys and giggles and surprises and Mary and Joseph weren't so alone.
And then, probably 18 months to two years later, the magi from the east found them. Yes, they were still in Bethlehem, probably not living in the barn. And the magi gave them some significant gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh.

Soon after this, Mary and Joseph found out that the king wanted to kill their baby boy and they had to flee to Egypt. Those gifts probably helped to pay their way to get out of their city of Bethlehem and over to Egypt- into safety. When there is chaos, let others help you.

3 - Get professional input and help.  Truthfully, I don't really know what professional help they might have gotten, except for that they knew what the people and the prophets over the years had said about this baby named Jesus and who he was to become.
So their professional input and help would have been what they knew from the prophets and the teachers of their Jewish faith would have taught them about this baby and what this little boy was going to be when he was grown. The savior of the world, the forgiver of all wrongs, the healer of all dad whose loved, could, and would heal even the deepest wounds, and sorrows and pain. That was their professional healthy input. And they leaned into it together, encouraging each other with what they knew to be true.  And that helped them to number four…

4 - Let their selves calm down. The Bible where this story is recorded is pretty silent about how stressed or overwhelmed Mary and Joseph were.

We do know that they knew the God of the Bible, of the Old Testament and the God of the Jews  and that God had promised peace and protection.
For them, for Mary and Joseph, they would have known Psalms (songs) written by their Kings, especially King David, psalms that cried out to God for protection.  They would have known the psalms that called and spoke to God about protection and God being their fortress and their protector. Those words from the Bible would have calmed them down.
Mary and Joseph also had unusual things happen to them. Things such as angels coming to them, both alone and together, to reassure them that what they were doing was right and good. I am sure that they went back to the words from the angels: “Do not fear”, more than once to settle themselves down.
Let yourself calm down.
Use what you know.
Use good words from other people.
Let yourself calm down and that will then move you into number five. 

5 - Reset with new information. Mary and Joseph had had a few resets.

First of all, they understood that Mary was a virgin, carrying a baby from the God of the Bible. I know, we don't even consider this to be a possibility or an option if it were to happen today. It did happen to them. And with that info that she was carrying a baby from the God of the Bible, they had to reset how they treated each other and how they could stay in good relationship with each other.

They had cultural pressure all over the place. For Joseph to leave her would mean, for her, that she would be treated like a terrible, terrible woman. She would be kicked aside of community, family and protection. They had to reset into a space that said, “We're not going to do what culture says and we're going to stay together.”
And they did. They went to Bethlehem together.  They had to figure out how to be in a barn and, and how to have a baby without help, and how to run to Egypt quickly.
So many resets and yet they did it. We don't really know how messy these resets were...If there was tension between them, or who was the optimist and who was a worrier. We do know that somehow they reset and they stayed the course.

This is my cheer for you this Christmas.
The end of the year is full of chaos.
And so is this first Christmas story.
And yet our model is one of
tenacity,
faithfulness,
courage, and
flexibility.
Yes, for me as a Christian, I believe that the story is accurate and miraculous. This is my favorite story for my marriage and for parenting and for managing chaos.

If Mary and Joseph could make it through this, I can make it through things as well.
I encourage you to stay together. Emotionally, physically.
Stay calm, listen to the angel say to you, and to me, “Fear not. Jesus knows chaos and will lead you through it.” 

Merry Christmas.