Transcript: Loosen Up Day!

Hi!
Welcome to the Us And Kids podcast. I am your host, Jan Talen. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us And Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. It's not an easy task and it's easy to get uptight, wound up, perhaps a bit more anxious during these last two months of the year.  I want to encourage you to subscribe to Us And Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I am glad you're here, so you're married and your homes are fulfilling and so very good.
Are you ready??
“For what?”, you might ask.
“For learning about how to loosen up and lighten up, even in the midst of November, December.”
What do you think when you hear those words loosen up, lighten up? Do you just get angry, wondering who has time for that?
Or do you think… “I loosen up when I'm drunk or when I'm away from home or when I'm not with the kids. I'll loosen up when I'm on vacation without my kids and without my phone.” And I agree with you, every day is tough and intense.

So, Stephanie West Ellen made this day to help us find our lighter side while settling down our serious side for a few hours. When we loosen up, lots of good things can happen and our worlds will not fall apart. They might in fact, even improve a bit.
You see, when we lighten up, when we don't cry or scream over spilled milk or crunchy Cheerios or yucky diapers or the Play-Doh and the paint mixed together, but instead, we sigh, we lower our emotions, sometimes the joyful emotions, as well as the uptight ones and just take care of things.

Then we have the emotional energy for things that are truly more important. Like what?
Like forgiving your spouse for forgetting to buy the milk,
listening to a friend who's dog or fish, or mom or kiddo has died or
the energy to laugh and to smile when your kiddo shows how they can clean up the milk and they use the things from their toy kitchen to do it, and then they give you a hug and they say, they're so sorry for knocking over the water, into the plant.

You can see, in the space of being filled with tension and uptight and stressed, the stress hormones of cortisol and adrenaline naturally block our creativity. They are made to focus in on a trouble spot because it perceives the spot as being dangerous to our personal safety. Often, as we live intently day after day for days on end, those hormones figure out it's just easier to stay on than to go on and off and on and off.  Those stress hormones are being used so much, and so often that they often perceive that everything out there, even the glass of milk or the dirty diaper is a threat to our safety and our wellbeing. As that happens, our relaxed, joyful hormones of dopamine, norepinephrine, melatonin learn to just lay low, sleepy, and very slow to respond. And that lowers our courage and our confidence, which of course then lowers our optimism. And then... pessimism, sadness, blahness moves in. It’s what we would call overwhelm and depression.

So let's go back to this Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day idea. It's here to help us honor and give the rightful spot back to those energetic and optimistic, courageous hormones. That way we can regain our personal selves and reconnect with those we love.

This is the space that says we are safe to be with, fun to be with and that our optimism and courage becomes a bit contagious to others. You know, I think that it's possible that this could send you all on a “guilt run”.
So hold on. The truth is that loosen up and lighten up is important for each of us at any age and any stage as adults, but also as little ones. 

The DNA method of communication that we teach in the Us And Kids Communication Program is knowing what we desire. It’s understanding what we want at the end of the day or the end of a communication and conversation with our kids or our spouse to look like, or be like. Knowing what we desire is important. Most of the time we go emotionally, conversationally and relationally where we look. So, in light of Loosen Up and Lighten Up Day it could be wise to determine our emotional stance to be lighter, less intense, less bossy.

Determining our emotional stance will set the hormones to wake up and join in on the fun. They will wiggle and jiggle your muscles free so that your face can be more smiley. Your eyes can be more shiny and open, and the tone of your voice will be more gentle, more patient, more soft. And as we do that, as we set our direction into a gentle space, those gentle connecting communication skills that we teach in the DNA for Fun method of communication will also wake up and you will see that these connecting communication skills are really necessary.

It's the N in the DNA. There is D: Define your Desire and the N is use your Necessary skills. The tone of your voice will help you pick the more patient, kind and goofy words for getting cooperation and action to actually happen. You'll hear that you're suddenly, gently saying what you need to have happen. It’ll sound soft, like, 
“It's time to take your clothes off, get your PJ's on.”
“Okay. We have to finish eating now. Can you take another bite?”
And helping them get their shoes on and then also get their dolly to bed.

You can do these kind, soft words by focusing on your Defined definition of how you want this conversation to end up and also using your Necessary skills (of tone of voice, eye contact, clear communication, good word choices and eyes) that are calm enough for your kiddo to look into and feel safe enough to follow you and obey. They'll feel that your body is soft and safe, not tense and tough. And you'll see the same from your kiddos. And from your spouse.

So here are a few things that can keep you and help you loosen up.. even when you are too wound up. They include things like taking a trip. Uh, sure. You'd love to, right??
Let's explain what “take a trip'' means in your mind. Taking a trip might mean a trip to the bathroom, to the bedroom, to the garage, to the corner closet.Taking a trip in your mind will help you remember what your end Desire for this day is.

Your Desire might be to have a peaceful and pleasant relationship. Your desire might be to have more cooperation without so many tears. At the year end, your idea might be to have memories that have no shame, no regrets...such as, “ I don't want to put my hand on my head at the end of the day and go, I am the worst parent ever.”

Take a deep breath. Take a trip to what you Desire.

Look at that and get yourself reset.
Find the calm.
Remember that everybody's okay. No one is going to die.
We are all going to be okay.
And let some of those truths calm you.
Give those truths permission to come out of hiding and help you.
It's the main reason they are in your body to help you reset and become calm and connectable.

Let them be free.
How do you do that?
So you've taken a trip back to your desire and realized where you want to end up by the end of the day without regrets.
And now step two, begin with a smile. I don't really care how you feel. We know that your brain changes when you force a little smile upon your face. So begin with a smile.

You can do that smile on your trip. Nobody has to look at it. And let it grow into a little giggle and then into a laugh. Use the muscles, even if you don't have the joy, but as you do smile, giggle, laugh. You'll end up looking into someone's arms and hugging someone. Their eyes will twinkle. And so will yours. You can see smiling is so good for our facial muscles. Because they help those hormones release. Yes. Help those hormones released by smiling. And you'll see, your mood has begun to lighten up.
Don't forget your kiddo sometimes needs help with this too. Sometimes they're fine and calm. And sometimes they're just crabby. And I guess, given that they're not coming down with a sore throat or an earache, or are too tired or hungry, that then you can share some of your kind encouraging, affirming words and actions and looks for them. And they will follow you into your space of safety and calm begin with a smile.

Number three. Remember that hormones and moods need food too. So feed yourself and those you love with real food. With protein, with veggies, with fruits, with fats and with water. Keep the sugar count low as the higher sugars make for faster rise and fall of those hormones.
And that makes everybody confused.  Especially for kiddos, being overwhelmed looks like crabbiness and resistance and defiance. But often they're confused and anxious, which leads us into number four.

Take the time to listen and to talk. Use real words that are not just directions or corrections. Use real sentences that share a pleasant part of your interaction or a painful part, but use those real sentences in a kind way.
That means eyes and tone as well as word choice, cruel words said calmly are still cruel.
Real sentences have ways of encouraging cooperation and send a message that we are safe to talk about this. We use these skills, not just with our spouse, but also with our kiddos. Looking, eye to eye, valuing their words and their stories and mixed up sentences that make little sense to you, but from our kiddos is so important to them. Honor them by listening and they will learn to honor and listen to you.

Number five. Oh, those devices, they are not very friendly to our hormones and our mood status. And so sometimes it is important to remember that you are the boss of them, not the other way around.

Put them down and away so that you're relaxed, playful hormones can just come out and be. You see, if the news feed, the Facebook or the Instagram scrolls are always in your eyes and your mind, you  never know what's going to come at you. Then the tension and the fear hormones stay high and stay alert.  And they box out the joy, the calm and the connections that happened when two hands, two eyes, two ears blend with one great smile, a cozy hug and lap that are all in and all available for your adult, special someone and for your special littles. Put those devices down and be all in on being all human with those that are near you.

And number six. I know you hear it all the time because it's so important to do: Keep those hormones balanced for those around you and those hormones that are within you.
It's this. See the good. Look and be grateful. There are possible bad things. But maybe you can give what is bad, a score of a four instead of a seven.
And that would be movement into the good.
Deciding your  D of the D.N.A. for Fun method is to decide in your mind.
Decide what is tragic enough to blow your lid at and to over your use, your voice and your strength.
Decide in your mind - what emotions, actions and sounds/volume -  is worth your energy for you. Does the kiddo bouncing around the house post bath time? We don't know where the towel is, we've lost half of the PJ's and there are no diapers. And they're giggling all the time.
Do all of these really require a lot of stress hormones or could there, would there be, a better blend.
Now, consider your hormone stress and blend into it that your spouse is late, again. Or overspent money, again.
How bad is it and how do you want to communicate it so that those hormones stay balanced within you?

Number seven is something that my husband says he often thought of when we had kiddos everywhere, I think he thinks of it now and then, still. And his thought is that for generations, people have had children and messes and stress everywhere, and they all mostly lived reasonably well together. Yes. We know there are sad and bad stories too, but he often wondered,
“How did they do it?”
How did they make it through?
And he realized they had faith.
Faith in themselves that they could do this, that things would be okay in the end, they would get through it together in community; the community of their marriage, the community of their family and the community of their extended family and friends.

For many others, they also added a spiritual faith that the God of the Bible would help, provide for them, emotionally, financially, and relationally. And He did.
So, yes. Have faith.
Keep the faith, use your faith, share your faith.
Lightening up often means allowing more peace, less anxiety. Help each other with this.
Help your littles by using one or two of these ideas. They will help you as you help others, which will in turn, come back around to helping you.
And so this lighter, happier cycle goes and goes as you come into the new year.

There will be another way to loosen up the tension that can build up over the year because the Us and Kids Communication Program teaching this DNA method of communication will be opening again.

It is a unique online program designed to build up the core skills, those necessary core skills, of communication that enhance your marriage energy and build your family strong. Stay tuned or check out that website for more information.

Once again, I want to thank you for joining me in this podcast. I am glad that I could share these ideas with you, and I encourage you to share them with your friends.

Remember that there's a printable and you can grab that for helping you. Just remember these questions:
What was I going to do?
How was I going to do that?
Because sometimes a piece of paper or something easy to find on your phone is really helpful when those stress hormones want to go wacko. 

Cheering for you! Have a great week!
We'll talk to you again.