Transcript:  10 Tips for Intimacy

Hi!
Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host, Jan Talen. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve this grand balance of being married forever while parenting together. Yeah, it's not easy, but it can be easier using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. And, we know that this is worth the work and very rewarding. 

So, just briefly, a little review about DNA. It's unique to every person, and this method of communication is also unique to every person and family.
The D stands for know what your dreams or your desires are. Not just for a conversation or for the end of the day, but also that longer range plan of: what do you want your marriage to look like; what do you want your family makeup and experience to be? Those are your dreams and your desires, and that's your goal.
So now, keep your eye on the goal as you develop your N:  necessary skills. Necessary communication skills and personal growth skills to help you achieve those dreams and desires.
And then, use those skills, or A, apply those skills in the way that best fits the age of the person you're around, and the situation that you're encountering or engaging in. And then, you have D.N.A. that is healthy relationship D.N.A., that blossoms.
This is worth the work and very rewarding at any age or stage of your relationships. I encourage you to continue to look at the Us and Kids website for when the next class for the Us...and Kids Communication Program is offered. In this program you will learn the D.N.A. Method of Communication.

Today, we're doing our last podcast about the 10 Tips. And in doing our 10 Tips, we're going to end on a little bit of a saucy note that we haven't ever done before, that I can remember.
This is podcast number 99 moving into podcast 100. So, I thought about what I haven't really covered in all those podcasts?
And, I realized I haven't really directly talked about intimacy, that beautiful, special, personal space between husband and wife. Intimacy comes not just from having bodies close to each other, but it also comes from what happens before those bodies ever get nearby. So as we talk about intimacy, I'm talking less about close bodies, and more about what happens before then. Which makes then that time of close bodies really enjoyable.
So, take a listen in, and see which tip would be good for you to use in the next week, or month, or a year, or forever. 

Here we go.. Ten tips to being intimate.
First Tip... this is your own personal growth tip. Be trustworthy. Say that a different way. Be worthy of someone's trust. Act in such a way so that the person you're going to be intimate with, knows that you will do anything for them.
You will help them be their very best person.
That you are for them.
You are not crabby about them.
You are not disgusted with them. There may be things that you would like to process with them, but they know that your base to the relationship is that you are for them.
That they can trust you with their emotions, with their thoughts, with their reactions, with their shame, with their excitement.
And, that you will join in looking out for the best. And, that is the definition of being trustworthy, and it is the first and most important tip to having the intimate space in your bedroom really click. 

Tip Number Two... a little bit more direct.  Be able to talk some about your intimate space. What kind of sex are you hoping to have? There can be the "we just need a quick and sweet connect and sleep kind of sex" anywhere down to we need "lingering lusciousness."
If you are trustworthy, (Tip Number One), you're going to be able to just chat for a minute. Develop your own language about where are we falling on the continuum between Quick and Sweet and Lingering? Now sometimes, you automatically know. And sometimes, one person is so dead tired that they've got nothing besides, "Fine. It's good to connect with you for three and a half minutes. Thank you very much." And, the other person is really looking for a more lingering connection, because it will strengthen them, and they are feeling lonely. You need to talk for a minute. Don't argue.
Be trustworthy in your kindness, and your care, and your willingness to sacrifice for the better of the other. And there in, you'll find a fine space for this. 

As you process those things, and even before that, Tip Number Three is a throwback to when you were dating, I'm hoping. But you figured out how to: hold hands; how to put your arms around each other; how to look into each other's eyes with honest kindness, with joy, with "ooohhh, I like you." And, those things are so important in: the building of trust; in the building of "you are for me"; and in the interlacing of those endorphins that say, "Ooh, I like you;" that comes through eye contact and physical, non-sexual touch. 

And, Tip Number Four is saying nice things like compliments, but even pleases and thank you's, or "that was really sweet of you." "I really appreciate your help here." Those nice things help us know that we're being trusted, and they soften the fear of really connecting, because you are saying that you are for them, and you like them. And when you do that, that then helps the vulnerability that happens when you're more intimate.
Those kind things: that eye contact; those holding hands and looking at each other;
Those kisses hello and goodbye;
Those sentences of "good to see you" or "I'm gonna miss you."
Tips Three and Four: Touch; use eye contact; (and) say nice things really build up that trust so that you're more easily back to Tip Number Two: going to be in agreement about what kind of connection do we need tonight?

Let's move to Tip Number Five. You can hear it. What happens with your clothes on, really impacts what happens with no clothes on.
Kindness brings courage. Yes. Kindness doesn't bring wimpiness. Kindness develops courage. It releases norepinephrine and dopamine inside your brain that helps to say, "I can have the courage to be physically vulnerable with you." And, I don't care if you've been snuggled next to each other 100 times, 500 times, every time there's a bit of courage. As we: age; as we have babies; as we have stress; as we recover from COVID, we might not have the same body shape we used to have, and it takes some courage to be that close and vulnerable.
When we know that you like me with my clothes on, I will be less intimidated when my clothes are off. Tip Number Five: Pay attention to how you're reacting and interacting with your comments and attitudes towards your spouses’ looks. The roll of the eyes; the negative comment, even if it's meant funny, might have a little too much poke in it. What happens with clothes on impacts what happens with clothes off. Tip Number Five: pay attention to what you're doing there. 

And Tip Number Six... This is a little bit more of a strategy piece. It's wise to separate your planning nights from your date night. My husband and I had regular Sunday night planning meetings. We sat with paper calendars. We walked our way through: who has to be where; who has to be picked up then: who's going to do this; who's going to do supper; who's going to take care of the soccer run; who's going to do the swim run; who's going to pick up the kids from daycare. And, we wrote it down. We planned it out. But, I can tell you, that was not a date night. I was always relieved when it was finished, because I felt like we were now on the same page. That I had all my bases covered.
But, a date night meant that I was dressing up. I was going to act like I had no kids. I was going out with my sweetheart. And, we weren't talking kids. We were gonna go laugh. We were going to go just be able to talk about things that we wanted to talk about. The planning was important, but it's not as fun as a date night.
Separate those two, as best you can. It can't be perfect, but it can be a goal. And, it will help you in your intimate moments. 

Tip Number Seven: Talk in their love language, or live into their love language. Now on podcast 23 (Feb 10, 2020) we have talked about love languages. And, that could be a good podcast to listen to again. Talking in your spouse’s love language,(as presented by Gary Chapman), helps you know and understand how your spouse feels love and knows love best. It may be that they feel most loved if you've done an act of service for them, if you cared for them? Do they know love best when you touch them? That touch would be their love language. That's when they go, "Oh, she loves me! I'm okay." Maybe your act of love, your love language, is when people say nice things to you, when they use words of affirmation. Right? Maybe, it's when they do kind things. Sometimes, we just call that shoulder time. Maybe, it's when they give you a gift, big or small, like, "I hung up your towel." Or, "I made the bed for us, babe." Those might be acts of service, or they might also just be a gift of "I got it done. You don't have to look at the messy bed."
When we talk in our spouse's love language, not ours, but our spouses, it helps to turn on their sense of security, and their brain and their body going, "Ooh, they really do mean it. They really do love me." It's important and nice to know your love language, but it’s more important to become bilingual and learn your spouse's too. And, as you do, then often, that synergy of "Yes, I trust you, and I'll be with you forever" happens. Learn their language. 

Tip Number Eight... We did this in the last podcast, because we're talking about playing. But, it doesn't have to be playing. It can be something else. Tip Number Eight is do new things together. This is take on from adventure. I don't care if this is we ride bikes together, but we've never been on that trail. I'd say, "Yes. That's a new thing. Do that together. It's going to improve your intimacy. It's going to improve how you're connected to each other, and your trust with each other. It's going to make funny stories. You're gonna end up with a little joke between each other."
Do new things, because it releases the norepinephrine, and the serotonin, and the dopamine that helps create this bonding that we talked about in module one of D.N.A. That the necessary skill is connections that matter. And, those connections start out with chemical releases that happen in our brains.
And, we have to turn those chemical connections on again, over and over, throughout the course of our marriage. We do that by doing new things, with camaraderie, with cooperation, with helping each other.

And, there we go... on to Tip Number Nine: Help each other out. Don't sit back and watch. That's not helpful. Don't just shout out instructions. Actually move in and help, unless the person says they're going to do it themselves. But otherwise, where you can, just pick up the slack and do it. You're in it together. And when we help each other out, we feel that trust.
Remember, Tip Number One: be trustworthy. This helping out builds a sense of trust of, "Oh, I'm not left with... this all your stuff to do, I ain't touching it. You have to do the laundry. I'm not moving it," while you sit on the couch and play on your phone. Not helpful. Now, you've created separation, and a little bit of pain or poke which hurts. But instead, as they're busy running up and down the stairs with towels, and with sheets, and other things. And, you're sitting on the couch, maybe, you'd say, "What can I do?" If somebody asked you, I hope that you answer with something. Even if it is, "Just finish getting the toys in from outside," or, "start the dishwasher." Both of those things will take you about three minutes. But, the payoff in the relationship is significant.
When we help each other out, we have shared a piece of vulnerability, and we have stepped into that with kindness, not creating shame or distance, but creating compassion and connection. And, that does help the space between the sheets. 

Tip Number 10: Mix up the routine. Yes, mix up the routine some time at home, so that you create a little different way. Like maybe, there's a little different way to kiss, and you haven't done it before. Maybe, there's a little trick about how you wanted to surprise your spouse. Do it. Maybe, it's just a little different routine in the bedroom. This is always the same way of interacting and being close.
Maybe, you change it.
Maybe, add a candle.
Maybe, add some music.
Maybe, you add some light.
Maybe, you make it more dark. I'm gonna let you be creative there.
Often, a little change in the routine helps us to experience our own reactions and interactions a bit differently, but also the reactions and interactions with our spouse. It's usually helpful if you talk about it for a second or two, instead of just totally surprising somebody, unless they're into that. Like, don't be afraid to say, "Let's try this." Or, "what about this?" Or, "would you like?" And, ask and talk. Maybe, you want to talk about it on Tip Number Six, one of your date nights. 

So, being intimate is an important part of keeping your husband and wife hat on, so that you don't forget that being husband and wife is what your kids need the most.
It's your marriage relationship that they follow. What they're really following is, "What does an adult look like?” They want to know, as they grow, how to live out love, self-control, patience and safe connections and trust with others.  You and your spouse are the model they will long to follow.
Show them by using these 10 Tips For Being Intimate.
Don't miss hear me. I'm not inviting kids into the bedroom. I wouldn't think that would be appropriate. I'm not inviting early conversation of sexual interaction as that is not appropriate for kiddos brain. They can't process it or understand it.
I am saying that these actions of being intimate, most of them we've talked about, are not in the bedroom.
But, they are what your are kids are watching. And then, they will know: how to be intimate with someone else: how to build a very gentle, trusting, trustworthy relationship that really honors the other person and treats them as precious. Treats them with respect.
And within those things comes the adult hormonal change and brain change that says, "Oooo, I want to be with you, please."

As you know, when we talk about the 10 tips, when we talk about anything in our podcast, we make sure that there's a printable for you.
And so, I want to encourage you to use that printable. Print it out and use it, so the two of you on a date night... I don't care if that date night or moment is sitting on the couch by each other, sitting in the backyard on a swing, going for a walk, or having a luscious dinner somewhere... spend time with each other talking about how can we make our intimate life a bit better.
You will enjoy it.
You will find that enhances your relationship, not just as mom and dad, but also your relationship as husband and wife.
This is worth the work and very rewarding.
Of course, I'm always interested in which tip was best for you.
And so, you can drop me a short email about it at hello@usandkids.
Or, you can go on the Facebook page, Us and Kids Podcast, and leave a short note there. Which tip did you like the best? You could tell me why, or you could just say, "Tip Number Eight," and we'll take it from there.
Podcast 100 is going to put together our 10 Tips from many different topics and put it all into one podcast, so we can pull these all together in one space.
As always, so grateful that you've joined me. So grateful that you take the time to listen and to then use these ideas in your home and your married life.
Have a good week, and we'll catch up next week.
Bye, bye.