Transcript:  10 Tips Playing as an Adult

Hi!
Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients of over 35 years, I have worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve the balance of being married forever while parenting together by using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. We know this is worth the work and very rewarding. 

The D.N.A. method is, just briefly, about knowing what you want. What is your end dream or desire? And then, what are the necessary skills, that the N, necessary communication skills, personal growth skills, to help you achieve those dreams? And, how do we apply those skills, that's the A, so that they work for any situation in any person that we're interacting with our little ones, and those more around our own age, or goodness, even her grandma. 

Join me for a few minutes while we talk today about 10 Tips For Playing As Adults. Now you might say, at first, how is it different than playing as kids? And our tasks as kids (as we said a few episodes to the 10 Tips For Playing As Kids), that the kids play has more personal growth in it and brain development. Playing as adult has a little bit of a different angle to it. (It is) still very, very crucial to healthy living, to building good relationships, to keeping your own brain and body in a really good space for relationships, and just your own personal mental wellness and physical wellness.

So, Tip Number One: yes play. This means giggle. It means move your body. It means do something new or interesting, because playing relieves stress. Now you and I both know that just plain-old being adults is stressful. And then, we add trying to think like a two year old, or that newborn. And then, add a five-year-old or a seven-year-old in there, and it's too much thinking. And, too much out of our body experiences as we try to think like this newborn, and what's happening inside of them? And then, why is my three-year-old melting down again, and how do I think like them? And, all of that can wear us out. When we can be playful, it releases the endorphins that help the body feel better. It calms us down. It improves our overall sense of well-being and even can temporarily relieve pain. 

Have you ever had this, where all of a sudden you found yourself just giggling and giggling with your three-year-old, and you didn't really mean to, because you were at first sort of  ticked off at what they were doing.  But then, you both started laughing.  And, all of a sudden, your brain feels better. And, you're not so ticked, and your three-year-old feels better and willingly climbs in the car.
What happened? You played. You laughed. Those endorphins came into your brain, in your body, and you felt more confident and more calm. And, your kiddo followed. Playing, laughing, doing something silly, even if it's just for a few minutes, can relieve that stress. And so, that's Tip Number One: when you're stressed out, play, because it's going to help you. You just heard me say, it doesn't have to be real long. It just has to be a little bit to get those endorphins moving. 

Tip Number Two: Playing comes in a whole lot of different ways. It wouldn't be for me, but some people like playing chess, and that's relaxing to them. Some people like making puzzles, that's a little more up my alley. Some people like things that challenge their brains like Sudoku or crossword puzzles that challenge their memory, improve their brain function.
Other people say, "I don't really like that stuff. If I'm gonna play, I want to do things with friends and family." The truth to this is that in our Tip Number Two we're playing, because it improves your brain function. Remember that stress, weariness, worry, anxiety, all of those things, gum up our brain and make it so they can't move very quickly or efficiently. (Our brains) can't open up the right pathways, and so, we start to do something and can't remember what we were doing. We start to say something,  (we) can't remember the end. We knew we were going to remember this... oh shoot, we forgot, because we're stressed out. But when we do something that has play in it; that challenges our brain a little bit; that makes our brain, sort of, creeping down into other areas, our brain opens up. The gunk goes away, because Tip One: the endorphins came in. And now, any variety of play settles down some of the anxiety and helps us accomplish something else. 

The more brain pathways we have, the more options we have to get to a different place, to get to a different thought place, or a different emotional place, or a different reaction space.
I live in Michigan, and in the summertime, it is road construction time. To me, this construction challenge is just like our brain when it's under stress. There are construction detours everywhere I go. There are orange barrels. There's a detour here. We can't go over there... back and forth. And, I'm like, "Well, how do I get there? This is taking me 30 minutes too long." And, I become stressed.
But, when the orange barrels go away and the things are fixed, it's just like when we start to play something and, all the sudden, we can move around freely again. Our “orange-brain-warning barrels are out of our way and we can move freely about our brain to get the decisions and thoughts we need for the day.  Use play to improve your brain. That's Tip Number Two. 

Tip Number Three:While playing improves your brain function it also boosts your creativity. We know already that kids learn best when they're playing. And you know what? That's true for adults as well. A new task or a challenging task is more fun when you're relaxed, and there's something sort of playful in it.
So, let's say that you're trying to put up wallpaper or you're trying to paint your wall in some way that you haven't really practiced before. Or, you've never practiced painting before, and this is a new idea.
So, you put on some music and you looked at your YouTube videos. You're mostly following the directions and thinking you're getting the hang of  this thing.
Now, as you start to paint and concentrate, you are also able to relax a little bit and enjoy the music. You might even be relaxed enough to enjoy the beauty of the new room you're creating. Because you're relaxed and having some fun creating something new, even running into a problem is somewhat manageable. For example, realizing that the wall you are doing is not square could create some challenges. The relaxed space that you are in will help you figure out what to do about that. Another problem might be that you are running out of paint...  what are we going to do?" Instead of becoming all bent out of shape, you might be able to say, "It's probably a good starting point. I'm a little disappointed. I wanted to finish it, but it's 2 a.m. We might be better off just letting this rest now and taking a look and seeing once if we really like the color. This will help us know if we really need another coat, or if we just need to finish this back wall. It will help us decide how much paint to get."
What you've just done as you planned for your new task, is that you also gave room for flexibility, for problem solving, for creativity. Because your mind was relaxed it stayed open, and that allowed for that boost of creativity and problem solving. 

So, as we continue to think about why playing is good for adults, our Tip Number Four is that as we play it can be  helpful to do it with somebody else. Now sometimes, they're across the room. Sometimes, they're across the world. Playing helps relationships.
If your relationship and your argument is not getting anywhere, finding something somewhat fun to do can be really helpful. Not something that's necessarily talking, but something that relaxes you. Something where you can help each other a little bit.
So, let's say that you're going to go bike riding together, and you have to help get the bikes in and out of the car, because you don't have a rack. And so, you have to work together a little bit to not get the pedals and the handlebars all entangled. You can do that gently and kindly. You'll build a little more empathy and a little more compassion.
Even in those small things where we play together, trust regrows.
Let's say we're playing catch with a baseball. You both enjoy that... just playing catch... having a ball and mitt. And as you do, you can trust that your spouse is not going to whip that ball at you and aim towards your head. That trust then helps with also knowing that when they're going to talk with you, they're not going to whip words at you. Because playing, Tip Number Four, is used to help improve relationships and your connections with others.
So another way to think about this is... I'm just contemplating that for a minute. When we're in a ditch with our spouse or with a kid, it can be hard to be willing to play until you realize that, "I don't know what else to do? So this probably isn't going to hurt."
And truthfully, it probably will help if you lighten up a little bit. You'll see ways that you still connect nicely, and that doom and gloom of, "This will never work... we will never connect..." can relax a little bit. And, (it can) give room for, "ohhh... there's more to us than what I was given us credit for. We are pretty good together."
And that gives hope and movement towards healing in the other spaces. Give some room to play with those that you love, even if you're under tension. 

Tip Number Five: A playful nature in stressful situations can help you loosen up and stay more calm, more open, more compassionate. It can help us, in a playful way, break the ice with strangers. It can help us make new friends, and it can help us at work when we stay somewhat playful. Maybe other words I might put in there are joyful or optimistic. 
Developing that, "playful... it's going to be okay" nature can help us keep the tension from growing, and often, can help the tension relief. My husband and I are sailors, and when we're on a boat we know that even under tension and can stay playful the task at hand goes better.  So, when we're looking for a mooring ball or we're trying to drop an anchor, one of us is navigating the boat and the other one is navigating the equipment. And, if we can stay playful about that, it helps us catch the ball the first time. It helps the anchor set nicely, because we've lowered the stress. And, we've worked the language between each other, so that our first effort is often the successful effort.
It wasn't always that way. But, we had to talk about, "Okay, you know it when you yell at me, I just freeze. And then, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn, and I don't know what you're asking."
And so, we laughed about, "You know, what do your signals mean?" And, we laughed about being accurate about things. And, it lowered the stress. So that, in those stressful moments of not wanting to hit another boat, making sure the anchor sets, we were okay.
This is an internal attitude, and that's really the tip that I'm talking about here. It's an internal attitude inside of you that has optimism. That says, "It will be okay. We're in it together, and we're okay. We'll figure it out." And, if you're worried, you're gonna say, "Yeah, but we got one more thing we got to cover." And then, as you end it, you wink. You high five. You say, "Thanks! We're going to be great together," and away you go. These aren't always easy tips. But, you know what? Learning how to play, even under tension, remember, opens up those endorphins. It builds the connection, and that builds trust, so that in those stressful situations, you know the other person is trying to be the best, not trying to embarrass you or shame you. 

So, we've been saying this in a little different way this Tip Number Six is a reminder that play is one of the most effective tools for keeping your relationship fresh and exciting. So, we've talked about it before through the other tips about how it helps you to problem solve and to improve your own self-esteem, and those kinds of things. And, move that just a little bit here in terms of saying that play is one of the most effective tools for keeping your relationship fresh and exciting. It brings joy, and resilience, and vitality to relationships. Play helps to heal resentments and disagreements. Play builds a sense of trust and safety. 

My husband and I have been married for 42 years. We got some natural play going on when we were raising kiddos, when they were around. But, they've been out of the house for quite a while, and we play with their grandkids plenty. But, we've also noticed that playing together is important. Keeping an optimistic attitude is important, but so is pulling each other waterskiing, going out and sliding down the snow on our skis and or snowboard, those are important things to us, because it helps us stay refreshed. It keeps us young, and it keeps us in a new adventure together.
Do it with each other. Keep finding a way to play with each other, because it brings that freshness. That's often one of the first things we did when we were dating. Probably one of the things you did too, right? Is you had playful things you did either with your attitudes or with your actions. And,as that often is the base of your relationship, it's important to keep that base fresh and growing. So, have fun with each other. Do something new. Bring up something you haven't done for a while. And, do some of the good things that you just know how to do, so they're easy, and they're fun. 

Because, Tip Number Seven, reminds us that playing together helps us to build that trust, so that we can work together. In that trust then we become more willing to be intimate, both in the bedroom, and emotionally intimate or honest. This trust that we grow as we play together and do new things together, helps us be courageous. As you incorporate humor and play into your daily interactions with each other, you're going to find that people trust you more, because they've seen your true heart. And, your true heart is one that says, "I'm for you. I'm a teammate with you. I got your back. I'm not going to shame you or blame you if you don't make it to third base." We're gonna laugh and cheer each other on. We're gonna say, "Hey, that was the best inning yet." Keep on playing, because of the trust that it builds. And, that's my Tip Number Seven is play grows trust.  Use it a lot. 

Tip Number Eight: I think you can hear it in here, but playing helps us keep up our social skills. For kids' play, (we talked about this in that other podcast), we remembered that kids learn all about body language and communication, how to share, and what teamwork is through play. As adults, we assume that you know those. You might be able to refine them some though as you play. As we use playful communication, our social skills are always being pressured. There's always a new situation. 

It often seems to me that I wonder, "How do I respond to that? What am I supposed to say to that?" And, it's probably because I'm not very good at being really snarky. And my own personality has a desire to be sincere and encouraging. But sometimes, I'm speechless. So when I am goofing around with a friend  and we talk about the situation, all of a sudden, that comes to me, "That's what I should have said!" I bet you've had that experience too.
It's in that playing around with it, and laughing at my own speechlessness, that helps me to develop and improve my own social skills as I use that type of play along with a gentleness towards myself for being “such an airhead!” (gently said to myself:). 
Shame won't help you here. Embarrassment won't help you, but being a little playful, and say, "Yeah, I really blew that one." If you really have blown something, through your play, and you're chatting it through, and you figure out what you would have liked to have said, quickly go back and heal that wound by saying, "I'm sorry I didn't have good words. This is what I wish that I had said, and I'm sincere about it."
Now, what we just did in Episode 97 about forgiveness can happen very, very quickly.
Back to playing, because it keeps our social skills up.  (It) keeps us from just getting locked into just always thinking and being so adult. Let's not do that. Keep on playing. 

Tip Number Nine, goes along with this. As we play, we continue to remember how to cooperate. Yeah, for us adults, there are continual barriers to situations, to reactions, to adult things that we often  baffle us. Playing is the first places where we have learned how to cooperate. In order for our team to function well, we had to figure out how to play together. We had to learn how to give and take. And the same is true in our communication with other people. But, we learn the first skill by playing.
If you have a family situation that people just cannot seem to be kind and talk with each other, sometimes playing a game, a time or two... some basketball, some baseball, maybe a board game... playing a game can sometimes just help to build a little messaging about cooperation without having to talk right to it. And, we see that it's okay to cooperate with others, even if we're not in full agreement. These are good things to do for your relationships.
Cooperation has some sacrifice in it, often, some give and some take. As adults, we know that we can stay whole and healthy, full of integrity for ourselves. Keep on that positive, optimistic attitude, so that you can have good cooperation with other people. That's Tip Number Nine. 

And, we are on to Tip Number 10: Play for adults can heal emotional wounds.  The truth is that playing is very important for kids to help to heal the bumps and the bruises of growing up. And, that's true for adults too. Play molds the brains of kids, so that many pathways can open up, and they can figure out different ways of feeling and different ways of thinking while they're playing. They do this through their drama play. They do this through their building and their creating. They do it through coloring. They do it through pretending. 

Those playful behaviors that help build good emotional health in kiddos also help good emotional health and positive changes in us adults.
Here’s an idea. If your spouse is really scared about something or pretty insecure, but you're fairly confident, you could, without shame, come alongside them. You might say, "Come on. Let's practice. We can do it together."
When my husband and I were practicing tough conversations for one of our kids, one of us was more unsure of it than the other.... of the direction that we were going to go. How we were going to apply the skills that we wanted to use? But, often, in, playful ways, we would roleplay a little bit.
So, "You be her." (We have three daughters, so usually it was her. But, it could have been to him, because there's one son in that mix.) "You be that kiddo. And I'm going to be the parent. Now, how does that sound?"
And then, we would laugh, because it would sound true and funny, or true and awful.
And then, we could slowly build the conversation in the direction, or the desire, and the goal that we wanted for the end result of that conversation with that kiddo. Truthfully, one of us was  usually more hesitant, and so we had to practice together. That helped us stay together as a team, but it also helped to take care of an emotional tender spot within one of our kiddos. And so, we used play often to keep our own emotional insecurities, at bay or without growing into big ugly pieces.

We also used play to help heal a wound between us as parents and a kiddo. 

Usually our punishments did not include long time outs, or being grounded. They usually had the idea of, "your punishment is going to be to do things with us. And so, you can help us. We're going to go and shovel the driveway, or we're going to weed this flower bed together. We're going to go on walks with each other. But, we're going to do something together." And then, we will try to make that optimistic and positive, because we knew it would reset the trust between us. And that playing, even for our kiddo, would help them feel okay again. And when kiddos are feeling okay, they're usually going to be more cooperative. They're going to be more willing to follow our leadership. 

You can hear me saying, "these tips for playing are playful." Right?
They have good, playful thoughts, good, playful body movements.
They're gentle.
They're engaging.
They're interesting.
They're good.
They take time, and sometimes intentionality, real focus.
But, I can tell you it is so worth the work.
Sometimes play is work.
Sometimes work is play. 

I'm cheering for you to make so much of your relationship, so much of your own personal thought and attitude. One that has optimism, and joy, and positivity in it. In that, your relationship for being married forever while you parent all those kiddos, through all those years, will be so very, very good.
There was always a printable here, so that you can glance back at it and say, "How are we going to do this? What tip were we going to use?" You can grab that tip and go.
Of course, you can also let me know at hello@usandkids, or on the Us and Kids Podcast Facebook page, what your favorite tip is. We'll talk more next week.
Thank you again for joining.
Bye, bye.