Transcript:  10 Tips for Talking!

 Hi. Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients of over 35 years, I worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve this grand, tricky balance of being married forever while we parent together by using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. We know this is worth the work and so very rewarding. 

Let's pause for a second to just remember what does D.N.A. stands for. The D stands for what are your dreams? What are your desires for your marriage and for your family? And as you know those, you'll be able to use the necessary communication skills... N is necessary... communication skills that we teach in the D.N.A. Method of Communication. These are communication skills, and one of them we're going to work on today is the skill of being able to talk clearly, kindly with a way that builds good communication and connection. And then, we use A. This is applying those skills. All eight of them, in a way that fits the age and the situation that you are interacting with. So these skills work with your four-year-old, your two-year-old, your 14-year-old, your 74-year-old mother, or mother-in-law. We know the D.N.A. Method works and that building up your marriage and your family in calm and connecting ways is really, really rewarding. 

And so today, we're working on our 10 tips, and today, we're going to do 10 Tips About Talking. And in our 10 Tips About Talking, we're going to borrow some information from the corporate world and the neurophysiological world. Our Program talks a lot about talking. There's a whole module about speaking and speaking clearly. So we're not really going to repeat that information. We're just going to take it a little different angle and apply what we know from corporate studies of communication in groups and upper management and apply those to own relationships.
I think it's fairly easily done, and it just is a little different way of thinking about things that often can open up and help us just make those three to five percent shifts that make such a difference in our relationships, so that they're more loving, more lovable, and just more engaging. 

So, here we go. Tip Number One is to hold your speech, your idea, what you want to say  in a rather tender or flexible way, because you might be missing something. So that when you give your idea or your opinion, say it in a way that says, "Am I missing something?" or, "what else do I need to know?"
This overall tip that we're going to often be working with here, as we talk our way through things, is that, when we talk, remember that there might be more information out there that we need to know. And as we get to know that information, we'll be able to change what else we're thinking and what else we need to say. So that as we're talking, we're absorbing other people's information, sharing ours, and then, we're advocating what we think while also asking what do they think?
This is what talking does. When we talk, and we listen well, we then have a slinky (the toy)feel to the conversation. This is where we share our thought, and then it's the other person's turn, and then our turn, and then their turn. And as we do, there's a lot of fun, and excitement, and connection that goes along the way.
In the world of physiology, we're watching what happens to the brain with different approaches of conversation and different approaches to how we talk to different people. We will be talking about approaches that build oxytocin because oxytocin builds the idea that I'm connected with you. It builds courage. It builds camaraderie. It builds connection emotionally and psychologically. 

When we talk with others, (our Tip Number Two), is focused on building up this oxytocin. It happens through our tone, in our approach, and in our words is a concern for others. This is Tip Number Two. In your conversation demonstrate concern for others. It will build cooperation. This has to be genuine your concern for others.
So, when you look at your spouse when they come in the door, and you just keep stirring something on the stove and you say, "Yeah. How are ya?" And, they walk by and say, "I'm fine." there’s a small connection. It's a different connection when you stop stirring for a minute, and you look up and you give each other a small hug and a nice, little kiss and say, "How are you?" And, they go, "Yeah. Not a bad day."
And, you're like, "Okay. Good."
And, they say, "How are you?"
And, you say, "Ehh.... I'm just stirring the stuff on the stove trying to hold myself together."
A little... another little snug or squeeze of a hug and all of a sudden those words demonstrated "I care about you."
And now, you're connected, and you both feel a little more optimistic, a little more like, “We can do the evening together." 

As we do that, we've just been and used Tip Number Three. It's being truthful about what's on my mind. And so, even in that short, little 35 second exchange, about "how are you?" "Eh.... I'm okay. How about you?" We've been truthful. And when we speak the truth to our spouses and to our kiddos, that oxytocin gets released and it gives people courage to be more truthful, which helps build the connections in a way that isn't false or flimsy, but in a way that is firm, connected, solid.
We didn't tell the truth in an ugly way. We told the truth in a kind way. So, I could be making something for dinner, and my spouse might say to me, "How are you?" And, I would say, "I am so ticked at you, because you are home late again. And, I'm sick and tired of you being home late. And, I really don't care if you'd ever come home at all again!" Okay. That's truthful, but it's not kind. And, that would release cortisol, instead of oxytocin. That would break up the communication and the cooperation. So in speaking that being truthful about what's on our mind is really important, especially when we can do it kindly. 

If we can do it kindly, then we can use Tip Number Four, because that encourages discussion and curiosity. So, if I say, "I'm really tired of you being home late. When you say that you're going to be here at 7:00, and you're not here until 8:30, it makes me worry. I'm exhausted from parenting, and I don't understand why you won't join in with what's going here. We got to get kids to bed, and I need your help."
Now, I'm trying to stimulate conversation here, because I'm not wanting to really pin somebody against the wall. I'm wanting to say, "How can we figure this out better?" I'm looking for discussion and curiosity.
And if I can stay calm, that oxytocin can be produced in the brain where someone can respond back with, "I'm really overwhelmed by work. And, when I come home and have to really engage in the kids, I just feel like I do a crappy job. And, I just think we're better off doing it yourself." Oh...well... that's information, right? And now, we can continue to move on to how can we do this better together? It's the curious piece. 

And in Tip Number Four, we want you to use your talking to stimulate or to motivate discussion and curiosity in really kind ways, because when we do Tip Number Five comes into play.
Now, we can work towards a picture, and an idea, and a goal, a dream, or a desire from our D of D.N.A., a picture of what do we want that time to look like? How could we do this? I mean, maybe, we have to throw out what we were doing right now, and try again in a different approach. But if we can talk about that with curiosity; and with different ideas; and with "let's try it"; we can begin to have this picture of mutual success. 

Remember that it came with my starting about, "I have a good idea here." Or, "I have something I want to say, but I might need more information." That was Tip Number One.
Tip Number Two was to be concerned for others.
Tip Number Three was truthful about what's on my mind and being curious about it.
Tip Number Four was looking for conversation and being curious in my conversation.
So that Tip Number Five, we can look for and develop in our conversation an avenue towards both of us winning and being able to get the kids to sleep and actually taking seven to 10 minutes of just us on the couch together. No phones. No nothing else. We actually have energy for us. 

When we can work on those five pieces, we probably then also can do the next one and that one is Tip Number Six... being open to having some of those tougher conversations: about work schedules; about how elaborate dinner should be; about how to parent the kid who's just seems belligerent; about what to do about financial stresses. But, you see, we have worked to continue to build into our relationship communication in talking or speech that releases oxytocin. Because, oxytocin in our brain builds courage. It opens up problem solving pathways. It gives us good ideas and creative avenues that we often need to solve those difficult situations. 

Now, I started with the optimism piece here and wanted you to hear the six tips so far are really wanting to say, "Oh, let's pick one of those (tips) and make them grow when we talk with each other." 

How you guys are married together, really impacts how your kiddos are going to be. They're going to follow you. And when you can demonstrate talking and communication and conversation this way, you help them figure out how to communicate with their friends, with their teachers, with their babysitters, with anybody.

So now, we're going to take a few minutes to talk about a few of the more of the "let's not do this..." the things about "what NOT to do" when talking. These negative things that I'm going to talk about produce cortisol, instead of oxytocin. Now we all know, I think, that cortisol is a stress-producing hormone that ends up in our brain. And, what it does is it creates anxiety, and anxiety blocks the rest of our brain from thinking clearly. It's mucks up all of the electrical circuitry, so that problem solving, and staying calm, and really able to hear accurately is messy. Our anxiety goes up. That triggers anger and discontent, or disconnection, and all of a sudden we have to become self-protective.
So how do we turn on this cortisol? I'm going to tell you how to turn it on, so that you can be more aware of it.
And then, I'm going to say, "Now, go back to Tips One through Six, and this is how you settle out the cortisol." 

Let's move on to Tip Number Seven. These are cortisol producing behaviors or conversations, and they will break up our connections with our kiddos, or with our spouse.
And, one of them is if we use a tone of voice in our talking and approach that says, "I don't trust you." "I don't think you're up to any good." As soon as we bring that into a conversation with a four-year-old when we walk into their room or out into the outside, and we say, "What are you doing?" That little kiddo fills with cortisol...with fear. And, all of a sudden, (he/she) knows you're not on their team. Not for them. You're against them. And, they are going to become defensive, which means they're probably going to act angry. They're probably going to lie, and they're probably going to blame it on somebody else. You won't get a good conversation out of this, because they're too filled with cortisol. You didn't trust what they were doing. Now it doesn't mean that what they were doing was okay.
But if you come in with a concern, and remember that that is Tip Number Two, a concern for others, and you're open to the difficult conversation, Tip Number Six, that now you can come in. And, you can lean down by your little four-year-old, and you can say, "What's happening out here? Tell me about what you're doing?" Okay, and then, they'll tell you why they put the dog food all over the ground, and they're watering it. Doesn't look good to you, but they had an idea. Now, you can be curious, and you're going to work towards that place of mutual success. But if you come in with a tone and an attitude of "I don't trust you," the people listening to you are going to become scared. 

If you add on to that a need of Tip Number Eight of focusing on convincing that you are right, and they are wrong, but you don't want any more information from them. You are right. This is the decision. They become frightened, because all of a sudden they become voiceless. And, they feel worth less. And that feeling of being very, very, small and intimidated, creates lies, creates disconnect, and creates uncooperation.
Better said, it creates low cooperation. 

Cortisol often grows with Tip Number Nine where we pretend to be listening, but we're not. How often does that happen? We're too tired. But we, you know, we've heard the same thing 49 million times. So, you know, why bother listening anymore. Okay.
Sometimes we pretend to be listening just because we feel like we haven't been heard very well in the first place. And, when that's happening, flip back up to your listening skills Tips One through Six and re-use those in your speaking. Go slower. Keep it calm enough, so that heart rate doesn't go up, and cortisol doesn't get released. Because instead then will be the oxytocin that will give more courage to deal with a difficult situations. Actually listen and be present, and then when you speak be honest and truthful. Pretending to listen, Tip Number Nine, will sabotage your long term goal. 

And, Tip Number 10, I'm, sort of, ending I'm a sad note. I'm sad about that. In Tip Number 10 is something that also releases cortisol.  It’s when your emotions are bigger than your ability to stay connected or calm. So if you're already just ticked off, and you just want to spit fire at somebody. And, you're just ticked at all of what's going on -  take a minute here.
It might be really wise at this point to use your talking skills to be able to say, "My emotions are a mess.
Okay. I am so ticked right now, I don't want to hear a thing you have to say.
Give me, I don't know, 20 minutes.
Give me time to take a shower.
Give me till tomorrow.
I've got to unwind here before I can even figure out what in the world I might want to say to you that could be okay to say."
I'm glad that that person just spoke truthfully. They're recognizing their emotions. They have a lot of cortisol running inside of them. 

And, my thought is that the listener at this point might also have some cortisol being released like, "Ho... whoa. This is way bigger than what I thought it was going of be."
If the listener can come back with the oxytocin release of Tip number Two, concern for them, then I think you could move this in 24 hours into a better conversational space.
If the listener can hold off on the cortisol flooding their brain with everything their spouse just threw at them and can say, "I hear that you got a lot going on and something's really quite not right and you want to wait. And, let's talk about it later. I think I'm okay with that. I really want us to be okay, and I want you to be okay. I love you. Let's figure this out. We'll talk tomorrow or something." 
If I can release oxytocin and introduce that back into the conversation, that cortisol is going to go down. And, all of a sudden, we're going to be able to be more open to the upcoming difficult conversation in a calm way that keeps us connected and doesn't let that cortisol totally knock us out. 

I think that you can hear in this that talking can be challenging, but also I want you to understand that everyone experiences these challenges.  And, sometimes communication is just tricky.
This is a mature place here to move into as you both really develop Tips One through Six, and save Seven, Eight, Nine, and 10 for really uglier situations and very seldom use them.
How your kids learn to communicate, with you and with other people, will be really healthy and strong. The stress in your whole family will go down.
So I'm just encouraging you, work on One through Six.
Do it.
Do it a lot.
Listen to this together and talk with each other about what can we do. So the oxytocin builds up, and you don't get flooded with cortisol. When somebody is flooded with cortisol... with fear, with anger, with distress, with dismay, with anxiety: Keep your own brain about you.
And, in your words, tones and body language, use things that are oxytocin producing: kind truth; concern; curiosity; mutuality; no fear.
And together, you will be able to build cooperation, camaraderie, and just really sweet, engaging, and joyful connections with anybody at any age and at any stage. 

I am cheering for you.
Conversations are not easy. Using those skills from the tips before about listening in the last podcast and this one, will really, really help you move forward into a stronger, more healthy, and happy relationship of truly being married forever while you parent together.
(I’m) always honored that you join me. (And that) you take a few minutes to listen in.
Thank you again. We'll be back next week.
And, grab that printable. They're always there waiting for you, so that you can use these ideas in your everyday life without needing your device to re-remember the information.
And....post your favorite Tip into the Facebook feed to enter into the 100th podcast drawing coming up in just a few weeks! 

We'll talk next week. Bye, bye.