Transcript:  10 Tips Playing with Kiddos

Hi!
Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients of over 35 years, I have worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve the balance of being married forever while parenting together by using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. We know this is worth the work and very rewarding. 

So briefly, let's just say what D.N.A. means in communication.
When we talk about it, the D means DEFINE or know your DREAMS or your DESIRES.
When you know those, then you would use the necessary skills, the N NECESSARY SKILLS, such as: listening well; speaking clearly and kindly; being emotionally connected; knowing the importance and appropriate use of touch; how to use honor, and protection, and respect in marriage and in a family; how to use benefit of the doubt and turning towards to solve conflicts. Those are the necessary skills.
And when we apply, the A is APPLY THEM WELL, then it circles back around, and our dreams and our desires for our marriage and our family life become fulfilling, unlimited, and so naturally good. 

So I want to encourage you to think about those things for a bit, even while we listen to the 10 TIPS FOR PLAYING WITH YOUR KIDDOS. This is not about how to have your kids play by themselves.
This is 10 tips for how you can best play with your kiddos. A couple of notes here. First of all, Albert Einstein, (you know he's a smart man), and his little comment about playing is that "Play is the highest form of research."
My comment is that, "When we play, we are so busy using so many different aspects of our brain in: problem solving; in being creative; in trying new things; and seeing how things fit together, or don't; seeing what appeals to us, and what doesn't; seeing what happens when we stack this on top of that, and why it works, or why it doesn't work, and what would make it work better." Play IS the highest form of research. Important stuff for kiddos to do.
Diane Ackerman says, "Play is our brain's favorite way of learning." Yes. We don't learn separate from play, we learn while playing.
It's true our entire life. It’s not necessarily how our educational system is all set up, but still very important for us to remember that playing is our brain's favorite way to learn.

So what are our 10 tips? First of all, let's just define it. Our tip is, "what is play?" Let's have a tip for how we know, so we're on the same page. Tip number one is play is any activity that someone enjoys doing.
If you call up your friend and they say, "What are you doing?" And, your friend says, "Well, I just listened to Jan's podcast, and I'm playing."
And, you say, "It sounds like you're doing the dishes?"
And, your friend says,, "Yeah, doing dishes is something I enjoy."
'Well, why do you enjoy it?"
"I like having things clean."   Thus, doing dishes is playing for your friend.

But now what happens when your kiddo says, "Mommy, can I help you do the dishes?" because they enjoy it. Through doing the dishes, maybe with you, and maybe them by themselves, they are figuring out: how to hold something and balance it; how to decide if it's clean or not; they're looking at colors and shapes. They're using their skills in terms of their gross motor and their fine motor skills, and they're enjoying it. That made it playful.

So often, remember that play is our brain's favorite activity. This is true for our kiddos. And, if we can make so many of everyday tasks, even if it's clearing the dishes, or cleaning up a little bit more playful, something they would enjoy doing, then their brain is going to cooperate with you more.
This is not manipulation in the ugly sense of the word. This is helping your kid's brain to see that it is enjoyment while exploring slippery water with plates and silverware in it. I'm not sure I would give them glass glasses, but I'd give them a whole lot of other things they could play with in that sparkling water. Right?

Tip number two... the most important kind of play, or type of play, is usually free play, especially for kiddos, but some with adults as well. When somebody says, " No. I don't follow directions. I just tried to put it together." They're free playing.
And when our kiddos don't have to follow exact instructions that say, "Now do this, and this, and this." "This is the only way you can build the Lincoln Log house." "Follow the instructions from the Legos step by step, so you make it exactly the way it's supposed to be," they will build and create with their own imaginations.  The instruction, step  by step creations are called organized play, and it's good to know how to follow those details and tiny instructions.  For many spaces the type of play that's best for your kiddos is when they can just create whatever they want to create. 

This often means they make a mess. They do. All of a sudden, the Legos are being interacted with the Lincoln Logs are being interacted with the dollies are being interacted with the playdough. Oh my goodness.
“Look at all those things to put away!” is what we think.
But what our kiddos just did is put their imaginations and their abilities all on the same place and mush them around until they came up with something that was really interesting to them.
Any activity that a kiddo chooses to engage in independently, or with someone else that isn't tightly organized, who doesn't have a whole bunch of rules with it, is usually really important for them in figuring out their life and helping their brain become more organized. It's a good tip. Let them play and make messes. Not dangerous messes.
But, play and making messes is really good for their brain and their emotional development. 

Tip number three. Yes, play needs change as we age. True for kiddos. True for adults. Just look at your infant versus your two- or your three-year-old versus your five-year-old. They want different toys. They want different things. You end up with a mishmash all over your house, because their play needs change as your kiddos age.
What they need to do when they're able to walk and talk, or carry things, or go outside by themselves for a bit is different than our infant, who needs to have things to play with but needs a play mat, or something a little more safe, so the dog doesn't always lick their face.
Just pay attention. Are the needs for your kiddos being met? Or, do they need something a little different at the age and stage they are in? As you look at birthdays, or Christmas, or garage sales, think a little bit in terms of where they are developmentally, and then choose what gifts or purchases that would be close to your kiddos next step of growth and play.  (An 18 month old is working on recognizing faces, putting things together and apart and working on walking/balancing.  So a dolly with a sturdy stroller, or play bed would work.  A dolly that needs clothes on and off will be more tricky and need more help from you.)

Now, let's talk for a little bit just about some of these different stages. Tip number 4 is about baby play. These are infants. Usually we are doing some of the initiation, because our babies are bundled into a babyball.  They can't fall. (We can drop them but they probably won’t fall down on their own).  They can't usually roll over very well. Maybe they're able to sit up some.
And, you are part of the playful space, because they really want to see your face. And,in watching your face, they learn to respond to your expressions. You know how good it feels when you're, sort of, talking baby talk to them, and, all of a sudden, they smile. And, you're like, "Oh, I got it." And, they then smile again, because they're trying to read you and figure out you. This is part of their play, and you're interacting. As you tickle their toes, as you wiggle their feet back and forth, as you help them play pattycake, or “So Big!”  That is baby play.
One of the things that you're doing is helping them learn that they can trust you. This key to their emotional and psychological development. It's this place of trust that is crucial to all other social and emotional development.  Our babies learn that they can trust us - and other humans by experiencing your  kind and helpful touch, voice, and your face. BABY PLAY IS REALLY IMPORTANT. They usually can't do it on their own. They need you around some. Be sure you are: looking at them; holding them; touching them; bouncing them on your lap; singing funny songs to them; giggling; telling them funny stories; singing. All those things (are) really important for those infants. (It takes) a little bit of time from you, but you're going to hold them anyways. So just go with it. 

As they get a little bit older, your play becomes a bit differently interactive. Play tickle monster when you get them down from their high chairs. Or, play "this little piggy went to market" with their tiny toes while you're putting their shoes on. This just shows your kiddo that you're involved. That you're there for them. And, it builds their confidence. Not just in themselves, but also in their relationship with you. This is the base that will grow their personality and grow your relationships together. . It's the stuff you do in their infancy. It's an important phase. 

Tip number five... this is about toddler play. And as your child gets older, he's gonna want to be able to move around. Obviously he's thinking, “I conquer the world!”  because now he's crawling on everything. They're figuring out how to throw balls, and they’re giggling when it rolls under the table, or when the dog chases it or, when they get it to bounce. They love clapping their hands. They love doing things with body movement to them. Trying to do a jumping jack is hilarious. They're learning how to do manipulative toys, so big puzzles and blocks. This is toddler play. They are beginning to be able to do these things on their own. And you're going to be able to leave them, and they'll play often for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. let them play. Let them make messes.
When they're frustrated that the puzzle won't go together, sit down with them and help them for a few minutes, with lots of affirmation and lots of just good words towards them that they can do it.
Give them little hints about how to line things up the color or the shape. They'll figure it out. When we're playing with our toddler kiddos, take turns. This takes patience from a parent. I think how often I sit with one of those puzzles where the pieces match the shape that is cut into the base. This is where the horsey goes, and this is where the cow goes. And, this is where the sheep goes." And they all have their own little space. I just want to plunk them in the right spots.
But instead, it's important that we take turns.
And then, I play along with, "I can't get it in just right," so that they can help me a little bit. And then when they can't get their cow in just the right way, so it snaps into the little spot, I can help them.
This taking turns is part of their brain being able to see this is how we work in relationships together, and they like it.
This developmental skill works the same if we: roll a ball back and forth and talk about taking turns and passing it back and forth; or playing peekaboo; or hide and seek. All of those things are fun for kiddos and are important in building the skills of relationship building. 

Now, I know, sometimes their desire to play seems poorly timed to us. They want to play peekaboo, but you can't play peekaboo right now, because you got something on the stove you need to watch. You can't run and play hide and seek, cuz you got things that are happening.
Do it the best that you can. Don't go for 100%. Work yourself more to a 75 or 80.
Parenting is hard and it's busy, but do take and make some time to play with them.
Other ideas there if you want them. Play with their toys with them. Do paint with water. We used to have a lot of fun with this in California in the summertime. I'd get some of my old paint brushes from painting around the house, and then I put a bucket of water out. And then, we would paint all over the driveway with water. Sometimes we would have used chalk first, and now, we're painting the chalk with our water. Oh, they have so much fun. They cool off, and it never cost me a dime. So many fun things for them to do there.
They have an attention span about the length of their age. So if they're two, their attention span is about two minutes. Yes, and then, they'll go play something else for two minutes, and then they'll come back to their first, or their second, or their third toy for two minutes.
Don't pick up behind them, because you're just going to be frustrated. Just let them make the mess.  Do a pick up once or twice a day - like just before rest time, or afternoon nap, or just before bed. As you can see, their play, at this stage,  is active and ever changing.  This is a stage - so stay with it, and enjoy all the things they can create (ie - disassemble, pile up, move around, dump out) while they play.

Let's move on, because our kids are growing up and all of a sudden we have preschoolers and elementary, school-aged kids. Let's move on to number six, because our kids do grow up. This is preschool and elementary school kiddos, and these kids are transitioning some out of toddler play. They have figured out some how to do some pedaling, or riding their bikes, or their balance bikes. They're a little bit better with their hands. This isn't all new. And now, they're becoming a little bit more creative in their mind with their toys and with their relationships. So now, all the sudden, they start to play with their dollies, and with dress up toys, and with puppets, and anything else they can get their hands on.
And, you'll listen, and they're playing house, or going to work or to the doctor or mowing the lawn or trying to get the house cleaned up.
This what we call dramatic play. And, it's not drama. It's just that they're trying to figure out how to live and and move into the next stage of development by playing.
Do they still haul out a lot of stuff? Yes they do. As they are playing with their dolly (or car or stuffie) they realize they need a road or they need a fancy place for their toy to go; or they need to make a car. And, they create scenes and events for their toys.

When you join them in this play, let them lead. This is the tip. Remember, these are elementary and preschool age kids, so these are four-, or five-, six-year-old kids, maybe some seven-year-olds. When you join them, let them lead, and you will learn things about them. Often, this play works rather well if we just really say back to them... so um, let's see once, if a little girl says, "No, you're the mom, and you have to go over there. And, you have to put the stuff away in the dishwasher."
If you simply say, "Okay, I'm going to go over here and put stuff away in the dishwasher." She will very quickly carry on with the next storyline. And, you’ll learn things about how she's playing. She sees you as an important role, and she's practicing her leadership skills by telling you what the next step is.
Enjoy that kind of play. You do not have to do all the thinking. You just get to follow for a change. Go with it. Remember that these kiddos love you to play with them at home. They also love to go to the park. They like to go and kick a ball, or throw a ball with you.
You can do some teaching with that, and they love learning from you. It builds trust. It builds connection. It builds, "Oh, you will help me with anything, and I can rely on you" sort of sense inside their being. That will help build the base, so that when they have something in their older years, when they're 7, 12, 14, 18, they'll come to you. But, they learned that you were trustworthy, and you would listen to them by how you played with them when they were younger. 

Let's take a tip (number 7) here for what do we do with a strong-willed child.
"I want to do it my way! Only my way! Only my way works! This is how I want to do it!"
And, you can get really tired.
This is one of these times in parenting  that says, follow your kiddo. Keep reading…. And, this isn't real hard. follow your kiddo's lead, and then talk about it.
So let's say that your kiddo is using a tractor to push around the blocks. S/he is smashing them over here and over there. S/he continues to push them off the road, and there they go down the hill. And you, all you have to usually do is say, "Oh... you're using that truck to push those blocks around. Great thinking!"
Listen to my optimism here. And then, they might start stacking them up, and all you have to do is just notice. "Hey... look at the good stack you've got going on there." Are you really playing with him? Not a whole lot, maybe some. You might be there, and you might say, "Here's the red one," and hand them a red block.
They want to do it their way, and you're going to affirm their way is just fine. Just talk about what you're observing.
In this talk, it doesn't feel very playful to us. Within our strong-willed child is a lot of energy.  They need to figure out this energy inside of them, so their play is going to really be centered on what's going on internally.  It's important to let them do that.
As you come in, and observe, and cheer them on, they can see they have your attention. You're focused on them, and you're enjoying being there, enjoying their activity. And when you do that, enjoy their activity with them, they settle down, and they feel more safe.
They aren't being judged. They aren't being told, "Slow down," or "Not so much." You're just being there, enjoying their activity.
They aren't boxed into your expectations. They're just doing their own play. And, this is the tip for that strong-willed kiddo. Put aside your own play agenda and just really focus in on being there for them.  

You see, with this play with kiddos, it's that everything you do has a purpose. It looks like playing to the kiddo, and maybe even feels like, sort of, like wasted time to you. But as you interact with them, you're teaching them. You're shaping them. You're encouraging them in directions about: how to think; how to manage their frustrations when things don't go well; how to recreate, or redo something when things fall over don't work. 

So tip number eight... go slowly. And sometimes we know we’ve got seven minutes to play with them. 
That’s fine.
Take a breath, and let those seven minutes go really slow.
Kids love your presence, and they love to repeat play. I cannot tell you how many times I read: Giraffe And A Half; or the 10 spots with the cat (I can't think of that name right now); or Alexandra And The No Good Very Bad Day; or the “Goodnight Moon”.   They love hearing the same books. They love playing peekaboo. They love rhymes. Just go slowly and let those seven minutes be all in.
It calms your kiddos down. And when they can see that you were all in with them, they feel valued and known.
And, they will connect and cooperate, as they mature. 

Tip number nine... Read your kiddos signals. get to know them so that you can tell when: they're getting overtired; or that that's a sad cry versus a hungry cry versus a frustrated cry. And as you get to know your kiddo signals.
It's your task and your tip, adapt to them.
Don't have your kiddos try to always fit into your space.
It is just fine and appropriate to fit in to what they need. This is not spoiling. This is helping them see that: they are worth paying attention to; that their needs are valued. As they learn that their needs are valued and honored, they begin to build that trust in you at a deeper level. And then they will, as they grow and their brains adapt, they will learn how to be able to give and take. But that comes from a deep place of security. Your tip is to get to know what are your kiddos’ looks, cries, tones of voices, whines and needs.  And how to help your kiddo satisfy and deal with them in a healthy way for their age and stage of life. 

And, tip number 10... look around at the spaces you have for your kiddos to play. give them space. Don't give them a little corner, and the rest of it is adult space.
Give them a big enough space, so that they have room to explore and leave a mess without you being crabby. In our houses, we were always fortunate enough to have either a loft, or a back playroom that we could close the door, and we didn't see. So there was not much urgency in picking it up and making it look beautiful.
I did, (in every house), have a space that I wanted to look nice and organized by the time I went to bed. If that was reasonably put together I didn't care what the rest of the house looked like. So one house it was my kitchen. One house it was my living room. Another house was what was on the back patio. Often it was the last place I could see at night. For me, then, it didn't matter how neat the play space was. It doesn't mean, I didn't go in there every now and then and really re-sort things, and find what I was looking for, and/or reorganize.
Your kids are (probably) not that distressed by the messiness as what you are, because they just see all their things out as a reflection and reminder of what a good day they had and what they might do with their things tomorrow.
And, their imagination starts to soar. And as they do, you're going to want to watch and just enjoy their chatter about what they're doing and the decisions you hear them make.
You're gonna want to interact with them as you hear things that you think, "I think I'd like to teach that (tone, behavior, interaction) a little differently."
Maybe they're being really crabby to one of their babies. "Okay. You have to go to sleep! You have to go to sleep right now!" And, they're sort of slapping their baby down in this crib or whatever.
You might say, "You know, sometimes the baby likes to play like this..." And then, I might say, "Could I hold your baby for a minute?"
And, she gives me permission to hold her baby, and I might hold her baby, and I might say, "Baby, Baby go to sleep now. Here's your favorite place."
And then, I might look at my daughter or my son and say, "Do you want to try putting her to bed again, or shall I lay her down?"
And then, I'm going to back out of her play.
I just wanted to model for a minute  a different way to tell my “Baby” to go to sleep.
Our kids will usually let us duck in and out of there when we match what they're doing and we are very, very gracious and then we step back out. 

Playing is so much fun.
We started by saying that playing is one of the best things you can do for your brain and for their brain.
And so, I want to cheer you on.
Have fun with your kiddos. As you've listened to these 10 Tips, I'm hoping that you find one or two that you're like!

If you've got a great tip, be sure to share it with me on the Facebook page of Us and Kids Podcast.
I am cheering for you all. Have a playful and happy day. Talk to you next week. Bye, bye.
And, grab that printable. They're always there waiting for you, so that you can use these ideas in your everyday life without needing your device to re-remember the information.
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We'll talk next week. Bye, bye.