Transcript: Ep 89 - Empathy Energy!

Hi. Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve the grand balance of being married forever while parenting together using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. It means that we have looked at what we dream and what we desire, and we have used the necessary skills to help us achieve that by applying those skills in wise ways within our marriages and when parenting your kiddos. We know this is worth the work, and it's very rewarding. 

So first of all from the D.N.A. method, we are going to need to define our desires or dreams, and that means today my dream or my desire is to be emotionally connected with my family and with other people in very kind ways. What is my N, my necessary skill? Today it's going to be empathy. And, the A is how are we going to apply it. Empathy, yes, for anyone in our family.
So, let's just move a little bit farther along now, and think, first of all, what do we mean by the word empathy? I know it gets kicked around an awful lot. And so, let's just, sort of, narrow down some definition, so that we know what we're talking about. (That's one of the first keys in knowing what your dreams and your desires are is to have them specific enough, so that everybody can get on the same page.)
Empathy is the ability to feel or imagine, experience another person's emotion. One type of  empathy is called affective empathy. It happens when you are scared so I become scared with you. I feel you're scared. Okay. If you are super sad, I'm going to feel super sad with you. I might also call this sympathy. Other people will call this affective empathy. 

Empathy changes when we add onto it an ability to think about another person's perspective. This happens when we think or wonder, "Well, if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way." And, I'm trying to imagine if I were them, what would I feel like? I try to imagine if I were in their shoes, or in your shoes, what would I feel like? What would I experience?
And then, another part of empathy is wanting to help. We can feel the sympathy (that is another person's emotions), and we can understand what's happening to them through knowing their perspective. And, those two types of empathy often move us to wanting to help. 

So, we're gonna talk, first of all, a little bit about this affective empathy. How do we begin to understand another person's emotions? For kiddos, we want them to understand that they have feelings and emotions, and we help them put labels to them. When we look at a feeling wheel, or a list of emotions, or emotion faces... (all of these things you can find on the internet pretty easily)... we can often help our kiddos understand what they're feeling by helping them see some different faces, and helping them put words to what's happening inside of them.
"I'm so scared," would mean that I'm worried something bad is going to happen.
"I'm so confused," might mean that "I don't know what do you think. I can't decide. There's too much noise. You told me to do this and this and this. I don't know which one to do."
That would be confusing.
"I feel so sad," is "I just want to cry. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry."
Those might be things that a kiddo might be able to say, and you'll help them put the emotion word with it. They are not born with those definitions in their mind. We help them learn and understand these emotions as feelings and as words.

Now the challenge for you as a parent, even as you are talking with your kids and teaching them, is to not put your emotions on them. Your empathy has to be understanding what are they feeling  Your kiddo might feel scared, and you might feel mad. And, those are different.
So, if you're helping your kids understand their emotions, so that they can feel empathy and sympathy towards others, your task is to really enter into their world, your kiddos world, and build their own emotional vocabulary. It will have some words similar to yours, but it could have words that are just theirs. You might not feel their emotion very often, but they do.
Not all the emotions that we learn as kiddos or adults necessarily stay with us.
So, I feel rage, maybe once a year. Not very often, but a three-year-old might know that intensity far more than I do. I have many more emotional regulation skills within my wheelhouse than what a three-year-old does. I don't want the three-year-old to continue to feel rage often. But, they don't have the emotional capacity necessarily to be able to regulate the incoming emotions, the mixture of emotions that create rage and be able to tone it down, reason it out, pull forward just the emotions that they need, and, sort of, let the other emotions fade in the distance. They don't have that ability. And so, they might actually feel really, really angry. It might be scary to you. You are the adult so you are going to calm your self down. Even though you might be scared and you will stay calm to help them sort through some of those different emotions.

If I'm sad; and I'm hungry; and I'm too tired; and I feel cornered, and nobody's listening to me; and I don't feel important: all of those things can mix together to feel rage. You're going to enter into their world of all of those things mixed together. Understand this mishmash of emotions for your little one, when they don't have the skills to pull some of those emotions and fears down. If all those emotions stay high this kiddo is going to move into what looks like a temper tantrum. When it's really is just the collision of massive amounts of emotions. 

Your empathy towards that is going to be the key in helping them settle down their temper tantrums. Not your sternness. It's going to be your empathy in entering into their world and just speaking some to them. Their brain is disconnected when they're in a temper tantrum. As you just start to speak some of those emotions, "what are you scared about?" "How can I help you?" Okay. "Is this too loud for you?" Okay. They're saying something about they don't want to go. They don't want to go. And, they can say, maybe you would say, "I know it's time to just stay home. I can feel it too. We have to go get your brother from soccer." They're not going to understand your logic, but they're going to understand and feel a little more calmed down when you say, "I don't really want to go either."
That doesn't mean you're not going to go.
It simply means you're right to match their feelings of, "I don't want to go. I don't want to be strapped in my car seat."
Hmmm, let’s think or wonder.... Maybe they get a little carsick. Maybe they're too hungry, and they wanted to eat. I'm going to enter into their world in order to help them move into a calmer space. And that's much of what this affective empathy is. (It) is really entering into "what are they feeling?" 

So, we're doing this in two parts. First of all, I am helping my kiddo learn the emotional words that might go with the feelings that they are experiencing. And, I'm going to use my empathy to enter into their world and to feel what they feel. It builds compassion, and it builds insight for me. So that as I imagine what's happening for my little person, I can respond with more kindness, and probably more wisdom, instead of more fear or more sternness.
The other part of empathy takes into account their perspective which often helps us connect and do more reasoning. I have to think, while I'm looking at my little three-year-old who wants to throw a tantrum but is working hard to not do it. I can see his little mind is fighting the fraying of his logic and emotions and the anxiety my little person is feeling. This isn't good - and your little person knows it but can not (truthfully) stop it. Put yourself in their shoes. Understand their perspective. This is a key part of building empathy. 

It moves us a little bit into a place that we would call cognitive empathy, and that is not just the ability to feel someone's feelings, but the ability to understand why they feel what they feel. Now, this is true when I'm talking with my spouse, and they feel really deeply about something that I think is nothing. Maybe they feel really distressed that Saturday is going to rain. And, we can ask, "Why does it matter so much to you that Saturday is going to rain?" And, as we listen to their perspective, it was about, "I was going to go golfing with two friends that were going to be in town I haven't seen for two years. And, the rain is gonna throw that off, and I'm really distressed about that, because I really wanted to see them. The only thing they're coming here for, really, is to golf on this course." 

Now, as I listen to my spouse's conversation about that, now I understand his perspective. I'm not a golfer. I don't care. These are old friends of his. I'm not connected at all with the guys. But I can put myself in his shoes about wanting to reconnect with friends and trying to figure out how to do that in the middle of rain, because golfing and rain isn't necessarily grand. And, I can sympathize with him about being disappointed and frustrated. And, I can understand his perspective. 

So we can take cognitive empathy and add in affective empathy while also mixing in a desire to help.
This ability to imagine another person's perspective also helps me identify perhaps what that person needs. So, what might my husband need in terms of wanting to get together his friends and thinking, "the only way to do this is golfing." What if I said, "I don't know. Is the fowling place open? Could you go do that? It's a funny game that we have in our town? Could you go bowling? Maybe that would work. Could you just go out for dinner? Would that work?"

You see, I'm trying to just identify what would be helpful. And, maybe I will be able to say, "You know, they can come over here. I don't care if they're over here. You guys can game down in the basement." Now I've entered their emotional world. I've entered his perspective. And now, I'm looking for are doable ideas.

Now sometimes, he will say, "No, no, no, no... none of that's gonna work." Then the message from them is that they want to figure it out on their own, and mostly, they just wanted to be emotionally matched. They wanted you to understand their perspective, and from there, they feel empowered to problem solve it themselves. 

This is true for my husband who's trying to figure out golf.
And, it's also true for a little person that when you're throwing out ideas and they keep rejecting or ignoring them.
Let's say that my five-year-old desperately wants to go outside and kick the soccer ball. But, it is 7:30, and we are trying to get pjs on.
"Please to bed. It's time. We have to do this."
I can be really stern about this. Right? "No, we're not kicking a soccer ball. No, I don't care. No, you are putting your pjs on there, right there. Put them on, on my little guy. (Maybe it's my little girl (who) is kicking her soccer ball around:).
I could be stern. It's probably not going to be very productive.
My other parenting style is going to be to say to my little one, (this time I'm going to pick on my daughter)...
And, I'm going to say to my little daughter, "Hey, what's happening? How come you wanna kick a soccer ball right now?"
She says,"I just do. I just do."
And, we're tired. I'm going to intervene into her world of her tiredness.. She's not trying to be obstinate. She's tired, and she's trying to find a way to unwind. And maybe, she's feeling a little angry, or a little antsy, and angsty inside of her. There's a little extra anxiety, and so she wants to move her body and kicking a soccer ball might feel really good to her. So, that's as I enter into her world.
Now, I have to decide on the parenting space of which direction to go. Do we go outside and kick the soccer ball and get her running and laughing, so she cheers up. But then, all of that running will wake her up. And then, it'll take longer to go to bed. Or, will it take just as long if I say, "Absolutely no to the soccer ball." And, we fuss, and we fight about putting pjs on. And, I make her cry instead by being stern. It's another option. 

I've listened to her emotions. I've entered into that, and now I have to think with both my adult brain and with what my kiddos perspective is. So I might be able to say... (Kids are wishy washy, little skittish, so not everything's gonna work... but, I might say, "It sounds to me like you have some extra energy, or that you're a little worried about something."
And, she might be able to respond to that with, "Yeah, I just want to kick my soccer ball."
And, I might say, "Could we sing some songs instead, or do some jumping jacks while you put on your pjs?"
It will be messy, but it might work.
I might be able to say, "You get your pjs on, and I will raise you up the stairs and down." This keeps me from going outside, and then having to make the transition back into the house. I keep her in the house, but it would give her some room to run out her energy. Maybe her dad's around, and I could say, "How about three flip overs instead." (I don't do flip overs, but Dad does.)
And, maybe that would help her.
I'm imagining her perspective. And now, I'm wanting to help her get rid of some of that anxiety. And, I know for her, sometimes, singing works. I often know that running or moving her body works. And, I also know that eventually I want her to settle down. I know that if she does flip overs with her dad two or three times, which will make her giggle, that he also will probably pull her in close, and hug her, and rub her back. And, she'll squirm at first but she will settle down. This is my looking for ways to help her and ways to apply how I use empathy and perspective for her age; giving her room to talk about her emotions; giving her room to decide how she wants to settle those out in a way that works for both of us. 

This is not easy work, because I'm tired too. And so, if my husband were to come up behind me; and were to rub my shoulders; just walk by and just do a shoulder squeeze for a minute, I know what he's saying is, "I see you're tired. Hang in there." I'm getting somewhere with her. He's not gonna bounce into this right now and mess it up. He's gonna: walk by; give my shoulder a squeeze; give me a little wink; and keep on going, because he's my backup. He knows my perspective, and he wants to help as well. But, he's now going to be empathetic and build affective emotional connection with me by knowing my  perspective and looking for ways to help. 

It's important not just that we, as adults, know these things, but that we continue over the years... this is a long term parenting process... to help our kids.

However, these three steps into good empathy can feel really overwhelming to a kiddo.  It's too distressing for them because their own emotions are overwhelming. If they try adding somebody else's emotions, sometimes they often just want to shrink away.  Absorbing someone else’s  emotions creates more distress because their coping skills for mitigating and managing emotions are not well-developed enough.

When I see a child too distressed from someone else’s pain, I often invite them pray to Jesus with me. . Because if I can pray, "Dear Jesus, my friend is really sad. Dear Jesus, I am really sad. Please help me feel calmer. Please be close to my friend and give her comfort. Help her to find her stuffy and be safe." When I can pray those things with my little person it often calms us all because it helps our kiddo not carry the burden but rather bring their worry to Jesus who can calm and help.

Now, if you're not going to use a prayer avenue, you can also send good wishes in your heart towards someone, it can calm you down. I don't think it has the same spiritual impact, but it certainly has a good physiological and psychological impact. Because, absorbing other people's energy, their emotions, can be very heavy. And, we have to also know how to not keep them stored within us unless we move it to prayer, or we move it into a meditation space. It's too much to absorb otherwise. 

And, I encourage you to do this self-care work of absorbing other people's emotions, knowing what they feel. But then, smoothing it out some by understanding their perspectives. And then, moving it into a place of help. Either helpfulness by praying or helpfulness in action, which may be like bringing somebody cookies... Which would be my go-to.  Or, it could be helping them by saying, "Let's go for coffee." Or, it could be helping by sending them a nice text, or a sweet voicemail, or a funny little gift thing. You hear the kindness in it. 

All of these things, as we demonstrate them to our kids, as we help them talk about it, and think about it, and learn the language, will slowly build our kids and our ability to emotionally regulate. Emotional regulation is the ability to manage how much influence our emotions have in our thoughts, and then, in our actions. So, what I often say to my clients, "I don't care how big your emotions are. I care whether or not you can think clearly at the same time as you are experiencing those emotions."

So, there was a time, quite a while ago, where I was standing in the back of my parent's kitchen, and I was stirring spaghetti noodles. I have five other siblings. They were all a little bit farther in the kitchen. I could hear them. They were all chatting about planning my mom's funeral. I'm not usually a stand behind the scenes person.
But, there I am in the back, and my brother says to me, "How come you're not joining in?" And I said, "Because I have a wedding to pull off next week. And then a week after that, I have to help my daughter move to Colorado.
And, I'm watching my siblings, and I'm watching my mom die. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what I am feeling. I have to stand down."
So I had mountains of emotions, and I knew I had to emotionally regulate these and verbally regulate them. As in, “Hold it in Jan, because you don't know what you're talking to right now. We've got too much going on.”
My brother, kindly enough said to me, "Oh, I get it. Stay right there. Anything you want me to say?" Awww, right?
And, I just said, "No. However, I have to grieve Mom. I will do it, because I don't know what I would add right now."
And, he said, "Gotcha." He didn't push it. He offered help. I said, "Thank you for the concern." 

That's a big story, at least in my world, but what I want you to hear is that I knew that I had to use my emotional knowledge along with my cognitive knowledge to stay empathetic to what my sibs were experiencing. But also to stay empathetic towards myself, because I was going through a lot. It wasn't their world. It was mine that was also marrying a child and moving a child. And so, I let them move forward. It ended up being fine. It was good that I could communicate some of that to my brother. It was kind of my brother to notice. He was sort of joking with me, but when he heard my response, he very quickly moved into a very gentle space. And, it calmed me down.

You know, empathy is not easy. I said this was the A B Cs.
It's the AFFECT part: knowing what you're feeling, knowing and understanding what other people are feeling.
It's the B part: BEING able to live in the moment and in that space with other people.
And, it's the CARING part: caring for other people; and what might their needs be; and what would be a reasonable way for me to help them get some of those needs met. So that they can calm down, knowing that they are loved; and they are cared for. They're not forgotten. This matters within our families. Loneliness creates crazy things. 

Be sure that your children know they are not forgotten: in the busyness of life, and the chaos of bedtime; scrambling to get out of the house.
Know and remind each other, you and your spouse, you and your kids... "I see you. I know you. I feel with you."
It's a deep way to experience love and to share love, and I encourage you to do that today. You and your family are worth it. 

Once again, thank you for joining. It's been a pleasure sharing this time with you.
If you want to continue to learn more about how to live in this kind of love and have a very, very rewarding, family and marriage experience forever and ever, then, of course, subscribe to this podcast. Sign up for the printable. Get on the email list, because it will help you each week. Right when you need a little boost, there it will be. Ready for you. Alright, take care. I'll talk to you next week. Bye, bye.