Transcript: Imagine Confidence

Hi. Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve the grand balance of being married forever while parenting together using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. It means that we have looked at what we dream and what we desire, and we have used the necessary skills to help us achieve that by applying those skills in wise ways within our marriages and when parenting your kiddos. We know this is worth the work, and it's very rewarding. 

Today, our topic is all about using our imagination to build confidence. This is a timeless podcast, because we are whether adults or kiddos, encountering new things. And, we can either become scared and a little shaky or unsure of ourselves, losing our confidence or lowering our confidence. Or, we can be confidently confident of ourselves and what we are able to do. Imagination plays a significant role in building up and maintaining confidence. 

So, let's talk first of all about what do I mean by imagination. I think of using our imagination is using our brain to create an idea or a plan of what we would like different, of what we would like accomplished. So, my imagination might say that tonight I wanted to accomplish finishing this podcast, and then getting things set up for laundry and going to Chicago over the weekend. Now, how does my imagination play into that? The answer to that is that I have been imagining throughout the day the things that I have to remember to pack up to go to Chicago to see my daughter. And so, is it creative? Not necessarily, but I have been running that list through my brain and saying, "Don't forget this. Don't forget that." The answer is yes, and that's builds up my confidence that I won't forget things.

What about you? When do you use your imagination?  Do you imagine what supper is going to be like? And, how you're going to put it together? And, how it's going to be presented or brought to the table? Are you imagining macaroni and cheese in the pan on the hot pad? Plop. There you go... some grapes and some milk. Done. It's a fine meal. As you imagine it, it helps our brains take the steps in order to be able to create it. So that when we are doing it and the kids are around, and it's sort of a messy supper time, you can follow the steps, because your brain has already practiced it. And, that's part of what imagination does.. it practices those steps. 

But maybe you're thinking, I was gonna make macaroni and cheese, but boy I am low on milk. I wonder what I can substitute? Now, listen to your imagination. What are you going to do if you have to substitute, because you don't have milk? You can use water, or you can use cream. I don't know. Would a little hazelnut cream tastes really good in that macaroni and cheese? Sounds like, "oooooh," to me, but maybe you'd like it. That's your imagination working and saying to your body and to your emotions, "I can figure this out." 

What stops us from using our imagination?
Usually when we focus on the "I can'ts."
"It won't work."
"Oh, nope. There's no way around that."
When we focus on the obstacles, our confidence goes down and so does our imagination, because it turns off and sort of just shuts down the electrical circuitry that works in your brain for problem solving. And, it lets the fear of "I can't," and the low confidence shuts down your brain. Anxiety goes higher, and that short circuits electricity that matches your emotions with your thoughts. Confidence feeds creativity and pulls those emotions and thoughts together to create different pathways or different ways of solving a problem. 

This information about confidence, and imagination, and anxiety is true for us as adults. It's also true for our kiddos. When you hear them say, "Mom, I can't." They're pretty stuck. Their brain is pretty frozen, and it's probably going to be wise for you to come alongside of them with empathy and with care to help them get around whatever they're stuck with. 

I had a little girl the other day playing with the dolls in my house. And, she was trying to get the clothes off from the doll, and the doll's arm was, sort of sticky-rubbery. The clothes were sort of snug on her arm, and it wasn't sliding off. She was pretty frustrated, almost to tears. It's just the dolly, but she was stuck. So, we sat down on the floor for a minute.
I pulled her on my lap, and I said, "Let's see once, how can we get this dolly to get her clothes off?" And so, we helped her relax. Imagination is hard to work if you're all uptight. We helped her relax, and we took a minute to look at how the clothes were stuck. Then we looked at how we could get the dolly’s arm to move around a little bit, so that it could slide out of the clothes. But, we had to imagine by studying the problem for a little bit, and then we had to imagine what would happen if we twisted her arm a little more backwards. Thankfully, it was a doll, and her arms slipped around a little more backwards and that helped release the clothes. 

What am I suggesting here? That part of using our imagination in building our confidence is often having somebody alongside of us. It helps to hold us steady and helps us to overcome the obstacles. So, when you're talking with somebody, your spouse or your kiddo, about a problem solving situation, and you hear that "I can't." Or, "It won't work." "Oh no, that won't happen." You can hear that there's probably some anxiety or some worry in there, and that often pushes you to stay stuck where you are.
Now, if you can, (and I hope that you can) lead to a place of, "Let's just keep twirling this around until we see what's what other options are there." So if I go back to the macaroni and cheese situation, and somebody suggests the hazelnut cream.
And, I go, "Oh no, that's a bad idea."
And, somebody else says, "Well, we can try some ice cream."
And, you go, "Hmmm... we could. You think it is worth it?"
And, somebody says, "Well, let's imagine what that would taste like?
And so, we go a little sweeter? I wonder how much ice cream we'd have to use? Right."
And we say, "Well, let's imagine that that goes really bad, and the kids are still hungry. What are we going to do instead?"
And, somebody says, "Just serve them icecream. Forget the macaroni and cheese." (That's  an option, right??
This is creative thinking. Somebody else's way, "You could serve them ice cream, but you could also then make sure that they have some peanut butter on a spoon.
Or, make sure that we give them some french toast with their ice cream.
We could make scrambled eggs and ice cream." 

Hmm. Listen to how we just problem solved the what if the macaroni and cheese go south. Because, we kept putting different, unique pieces together to see once what actually might work.
Would it be a normal meal? Certainly not.
Would it be memorable? Probably. Right.
And, what have we done now? Because we've problem solved together, instead of saying, "No, no, no." And, we said, "Maybe. Hmm... that's interesting." As we did those things, we not only build a conversation and some dinner ideas, we also build a better relationship. That is why when we blend imagination and let it grow into confidence through our conversations, these relationships become strong. We keep a sense of humor. We don't shut everybody down with insult or with fear. But instead, we are playfully and creatively trusting that what the other person adds to it will build cooperation and camaraderie. 

Now, listen to how that has just gone. We started out with, we have to imagine what to do with macaroni and cheese when we don't have any milk. And from there, we came up with all sorts of fun ideas. Now, we're laughing together, and we're making dinner. And, we're seeing what's going to happen. We might refine it down a little bit. And, we might have a backup plan, sort of, ready to go. What we've done now is problem solve, and we've have confidence. Not just in that dinner we'll be fine. Whatever it is, we'll be fine. We have confidence that even if it goes south, we've got good friends around. We're going to make a great memory regardless. And, that's part of where we want this imagination to go is to build that competence, and to build cooperation, and camaraderie. 

Let's think for a minute that you have a personal goal, a personal thought. And, you don't really tell anybody about it, but you keep thinking I've got to get better at being this parent person. Somehow my parenting has to figure out how to change some. But, you're just, sort of, foolish. You don't really want to copy how your mom or your dad parented you. It feels outdated. It never really set well with you as a kid, and you feel, sort of, stuck.
I want you to think for a little bit about if you're going to be a better parent... don't think of it as an overall big deal... think of it as, "I would like to be a better parent in this area." So, pick a specific area where you would like to become better and have more confidence and more skill. Let's say that when the kids are loud and crazy, you would like to be a better parent by staying calm, instead of becoming so anxious about the noise that you explode and yell at everybody.
First, you're going to imagine for yourself what would that feel like. This is imagination. This isn't an actual happening. The kids are not screaming around you. You're driving around in the car; or you're just, sort of, folding laundry; or you're mowing the grass, and you're imagining what would it be like to feel calm while the kids are screaming? Let your body feel that some. You won't be able to go all in on the first time around. You begin to imagine what does it feel like to calm when it's really crazy noisy. Feel that for a minute. Now as you feel that, begin to think about what you would like to say in the middle of the crazy. You want to say, "Hey, everybody's got to be quiet." Or, "It's time to be quiet. O.K. We have to now move over here and sit down and eat. So, you have to stop screaming and actually get your body over to your chair." 

Imagine what you want to say, and then imagine how you want to say it. First of all, you're going to imagine your emotion. I'm going to feel calm. And, what do I want to say calmly? "Hello. It's time to go sit down. Your chair is the second one on the end. Go find it."
So, I'm going to plan what I want to say, and I might say something specifically to each kid as I come near them. This is how I would plan it in my mind. I haven't done a thing here in talking to any kids yet. I'm just thinking about it while I'm mowing the grass. And, I'm thinking with this kiddo I'm going to hold their hand, and I'm gonna say, "Your chair is right here. Have a seat." And, with this kiddo, I'm gonna say, "You know what? There's a nickel underneath that if you sit on it fast enough." And, I'm going to joke with him. I'm going to - with my eyes, and my touch, and my tone - break up the noise by getting everybody over there. Now, it might be that I think maybe I've got to try to whisper. I may have to whisper, sort of loudly. And, my plan is I'm going to say  with a whisper, "Supper is ready. Aren't ya hungry? Go sit down. Find your seat. First one to sit gets the corn first." I'm going to practice it in my mind. I might even practice some of it out loud by myself. And, if I'm mowing the grass, I probably can do that. Nobody's gonna care, right? But listen to how I'm gonna practice feeling calm, and I'm going to practice how I want to interact. What do I want to say, and how do I want to say it? 

Now, we're usually around other people, and we cannot control how they are going to behave. They are still responsible for that. So, I am going to plan how I'm going to respond to their responses to me. I can take it as an insult, or as total disrespect if they don't do what I asked them to do right now. And then, my anxiety can go all high and crazy again.
In continuing to use my imagination here, I can decide in my mind, in my imagination that I'm going to stay calm. They can be as insulting as what they want. My end game is to have everyone seated at the table... time to eat... and getting them to transition from roughhousing to actually recognizing their hunger and eating. And so, I'm just going to stay calm and keep saying the same things over in three to five times.
I know that kiddos especially, even adults, often don't hear things the first time. They're so into their own game, and what else where they're goofing off with, they don't hear you. It's not an insult. It's how their brain works. Yours does too. The second time, they might have got, "huh...", but everybody else is still goofing off. So, my request just got thrown out the window again. The third time somebody caught on. And, if I can see that somebody who caught on the third time, they're my lead person to the table. But, I might have to say it five times. Calmly... and that's what I'm going to imagine is how can I say, "Get to the table. Go sit down. It's time to eat. Move your feet that way." How can I do that calmly 15 different ways, so that by the time I'm done imagining this, I have imagined lots of different ways for me to interact that won't throw me off my game plan of sitting at the table and eating without everybody crying. 

This takes some concentration in our minds, but the more we practice what we're going to do in our brains, the more our brains now build a pathway. So that when we're under some of this tension with all of the noise that three little ones roughhousing together can make, we don't have to create a new brain pathway. It's already developed, because you've been imagining it and practicing it in your mind. This is certainly a way that builds confidence, because you aren't starting it under pressure. You're starting it in the confidence and the safety of your own brain. 

Remember that especially for kiddos, but even for your spouse or other people you're in close relationship with, that when you are proposing something new. Probably this isn't sitting at the table, but it might be, "I'd like to propose a different way to do bedtime." Or, "I'd like to propose a way for you and me, husband and wife, to have a little more time together. Here's my idea." But, often that gets resistance the first time. They throw up obstacles, because they're not confident. (They are) not confident they will like it. They haven't had time to go into their imagination and imagine it. You have. They haven"t. So, they have a pause button on that. A "wait a minute. I have to imagine this for a minute." And, when they switch to doing something new, they have to be sure that they trust you. And so, because you practiced it in your mind and you know what you want your end game to be, you would talk about it with them and bring them into your imaginary process. 

So let's say that husband and wife would like to, somehow, not just be so tired that they sit down, watch a 30 minute show, and go to bed. Not a word said about how are we, or anything. And so, somebody is imagining that on Tuesdays, there isn't nearly as much going on. And so, maybe, we can really work together to get the kids in bed. And then, we could brush our teeth and wash our face, sort of, just get ourselves refreshed a little bit. And, we could sit in the other room, but not TV room. And maybe we could light a candle, and maybe we could just take 30 minutes. That's usually a show, and say, "How are you?" And, we could say three good things to each other, and we could say one request. And we could end with, "You know that I love you, and I'm thankful you did this for me this week." And, it takes about 30 minutes. 

Now, you've been thinking about it perhaps all week, wondering whether or not your spouse will even be willing to think about doing something like that. Remember that we'll have a new feeling for them, and they need time to imagine this as well. So give them some time to do that. You've just had 24 hours to daydream about it.. to imagine it. Give them some time to imagine it to. And remember that when you're imagining something and it's something that is vulnerable to add, that saying, "I'm willing to try it," is a good sentence. Because, trying it says, "I'm willing to lean into trust with you." "I'm willing to explore this imaginary idea to see once if it builds confidence between us." It's a good place to start with, "Let's try it. Let's do it three times and see what's what we think." 

And, we can do this with our kiddos. We can do this with our spouses. We can even do it when we're just trying something new ourself. Is that we start with imagination. What is a new way of approaching an old problem? We are going to think about it. How do I feel? What do I want to feel? What would I want to say? How would I want to say it, and how would I want to behave or engage other people? Then we're going to think a little bit more about watching out for that self talk of, "I can't" Or, "this won't work." Or, "they'll never cooperate." Or, the self talk of, "you know, I won't." "I'm not worth it." No one will really listen to me." "No one will invest in me."

And, we're going to imagine more positive, affirming words to ourselves, and words that we would say to others. You see confidence has kindness in it. It has empathy, because there's an understanding that I can, and I will be okay even if it doesn't go great. Those elements of confidence help us to stay calm and be cooperative and kind. And now, you get a really nice, sort of, swirling ,circular build to this that compounds in a very lovely way.
The more confident we are, the more kind we can be, because we know that we will be okay. And the more kind we are to other people, the more they will cooperate with what they know is good for them, but also what is good for the relationships and family life.
And as people cooperate more, they become more calm, and they become more creative.
And this is true, no matter who's in your family, no matter what age or stage.

You can hear that I love the idea of using your imagination to build your confidence and helping your kiddos use their imaginations to build their confidence around building towers; around changing dolly clothes; around how would they make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; around how to put their shoes on differently; around what to do with water play outside this summer. Find ways to say yes to imaginations that are really safe, because it builds creativity, and it builds that confidence.

I'm cheering for you. Imagination and confidence are so much fun when it's a fabric of a family, and when it's a fabric of a couple. So go ahead, dream up what you want, and then use those skills of confidence and kindness and compassion. Use those skills really well with your little ones, and with your spouse, so that you build one of the best family life and memories, you could ever have.
Always grateful you've stopped by, and we'll talk to you again next week.
Bye, bye.