Transcript: Truth or Lie

Hi. Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked over the years to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve the grand balance of being married forever while parenting together. We have used the D.N.A. Method of Communication. It's a simple method that's well organized, and we know that working on our relationships, at any age, at any stage, is worth the work and really rewarding. 

 And today, we're going to talk about being honest. Now, honesty comes in many forms, right? Honest to ourselves. Honest with others. Honest about our emotions. When you hear the word honest, or when someone says to you, "Oh come on, be honest." How do you respond? Are there different levels of honesty? Because then, that begs the question, "Well, are there different levels of lies?" Hmm.... And, what do you want to teach your kids about being honest and about lying? The two conversations, sort of, go together don't they? Because, it's gonna go on a continuum of honesty is gonna lead one way, but as you slide away from honesty, you're automatically going to slide into the world of lying. 

So, what do we do about this? Well, the first part is we're going to remember that we want to have a goal in mind. So, what I was just talking about is what do you desire for yourself, and for your kids, for your household? Do you want a household that is truthful and honest? Or, do you want a household that has sort of deceit or half truths in it?
Because, what you want is what you're going to get. You see, as you look towards what you want, a truthful, honest house is what we're going to talk about today. Then, that is what you're going to have to build upon is that dream or that desire. And then, wondering what are the necessary skills that we're going to need to get that kind of truthfulness? And, how are we going to apply those skills? How is it different when a two-year-old doesn't tell the truth, and a 10-year-old doesn't tell the truth? Because, there is a difference there. And, applying our necessary communication skills would be different for a 10-year-old than a two-year-old. 

Well, let's go back for just a minute and remember this other basic piece. Especially in the parenting world, but also in the relationship world between you and your spouse, is that honesty is always the best policy. How you deliver that honesty is also an important policy. If I deliver honesty loudly and cruelly... so, in my mind I'm thinking they're so stupid. Why don't they remember this? And, someone says, "What are you thinking?" And, I blurt out, "I think you're so stupid! I can't figure out why you can't remember this." Ooooo, that “honest” is true. That's what you were thinking.
But now, what happens when you do that honesty with kindness, or with tact, because that would be, for me, what I would desire to model.  (It) Would be the skill of being truthful and kind or tactful. So, in thinking about, "Well, you're so stupid." I might be able to soften that way down. And, I might be able to say, "I'm wondering what's going on, because usually you remember those things." It's the same sentence with a lot more tact and honesty that is more empathetic. 

Do you see how this works? When our two-year-old says, "I did too eat my whole lunch." And, you look at the plate, and there is certainly a half of a pb&j on the plate. Are they lying to you? Or, are they using, in their mind, what they thought was their whole lunch. Meaning their tummy got full. Or, they got distracted, and they didn't need any food. It lost priority, because something else became more important. So, you can then be mad at them, and say, "You did not! Now, you're lying to me." And, they are two. A young, young brain not able to really even figure out what truth and a lie is.
And then, you might be able to scoop them up and say, "Here... some more lunch." Now, they might be able to say, "No. I don't like it." Or, "I'm full." Or, "I want to play." Because, that's what they were saying the first time, but they didn't know how to say it. Now, this is helping that kiddo be truthful. Giving them a little teaching about, "your whole lunch is when all of your sandwich is gone." And, our little kid is being honest when they say, "I don't want it." It's an honest sentence. "I want to go play." (is) an honest sentence. And, we want to reward that as well. Because their brains are so little, they're just going to be figuring out what is honest and what is not. And, that's where then we will use our teaching skill. This honors them as a two-year-old to teach them what it means to be honest.

So, I might I sit with them. I did it just the other day, and he was running away, And, I said, "Wait, wait... come back here." And, he stopped in his tracks, surprisingly. And, I said, "You have more bread on your plate." And, he said, "No. Don't want it." So, what he really meant, because I know this kid and how much he eats is that  he really meant I don't want it right now. (He) Doesn't have enough words to say that. I knew in my brain we had to keep this food going in this body, because it was going to be naptime. And, so instead of being mad about, "No I don't want it, and I'm all done with my lunch." I simply, out of kindness,(a value that I have), and I guess a way of building cooperation, was I simply brought the sandwich to him. I said, "Open up." And, he' did. He just doesn't want to touch the sandwich, because he's got his hands full of two little trucks. "Open up." He open up his mouth, and I say, "Monster bite." He chows down on it. (This) Doesn't work for every kiddo. (This) Doesn't work for this kiddo every time. But, I was being honest with him that he needed to eat more food, And, he was being honest about I want to play with my trucks. We can both be honest and cooperate. And, that's what we did.
What I'm trying to say here, in this parenting space, is to model honesty. We did it when we talked about the two adults saying, "Well, how stupid are you." Let's model honesty, truthfulness, always with kindness. If you want to be heard, make it kind. 

There's another thing we can do when we're parenting, and when we're with our spouses, and that is tell the stories truthfully. I know it's fun to embellish the stories. However, with as much memory as you can, also tell the story truthfully. This helps kiddos and other people around see you as being a little more real. And, your truthfulness helps them become more truthful.
So, I can tell a story about one time when I was snowboarding, and how I would embellish it and said, "I did three flips down the hill." I didn't. I slid 30 feet down the hill. Those are different. And, if I tell the story truthfully, then they see that I am going to tell them the truth, too. If I lie about it, if I embellished it, then the people listening, big and little, don't know which to believe the big story, or a different version. And, they don't know who they're attaching to. When we're honest, we know who we're attaching to. 

So, when my dear spouse Chipper says to me, "I love you too." I know he's being truthful. He said it to me many times over the 42 years we've been married. He's truthful about it. If there were times, and actions, and places where he acted consistently unloving, (not just when he's tired, I know when that happens)..then, his "I love you" would be more skeptical in my brain. The same is true with our kiddos. If we say, "we love you." And then, the next minute we're screaming at them…(careful on the guilt trip)... Let's just work this out a minute. So, we say, "we love you", to our littles, and then we're screaming at them or calling them names. We send them such a mixed message, and they don't know what to bond to. And so, that makes them more scared. You see, we have to be congruent in our honesty, and we have to be kind. 

Be sure you don't reward the lies, especially when our little ones are talking. We know they're little. Their brains are a little. Their imaginations are going, and they know how to tell stories. Right? And, those are really, sort of, fun. I don't mind the storytelling. It's use of their imagination, and a use of them trying to figure out how to have self-confidence. What I do worry about is when we reward the lie. When we, as adults, have done something that hasn't been very pleasant or honorable, and then we say, "Be sure that you don't tell Grandpa and Grandma, or be sure you don't tell Aunt Susie. Tell them this instead." And, we instruct them to lie. Then, we are confusing them, because, often, they don't know the shame that we feel about whatever we did. And so, they would just tell the truth.
Deal with your own shame. If you have done something that Grandma, and Grandpa, or Aunt Susie is not going to be happy about, deal with that yourself. If you don't want your kiddo to talk about this, then, help them learn how to say something tactically, or when to be quiet. And, ask them to say, "This stays within our family." And so, we won't talk about it in other places, but if your kiddo needs to talk about it more with you, be sure you take the time to talk about it some more.
I'm sure that you can all think of some time when your kiddo just blurted out, "Yeah, we ran out of gas, and then the policeman came, and he gave my daddy a ticket." And you're like, oh shoot. I didn't want them to know I got another ticket. And so, you say, "The next time, you tell them that that we stopped and helped an old lady. Okay, and she ran out of gas." That's your lie story. Your kiddo is really confused. So, help your kiddo, by saying, "When we ran out of gas, it could be important to say that a policeman stopped by to help us. And, Daddy had his taillight out, and so, Daddy got one more ticket." They can say all of that. Or, we can teach them how to be tactful about it and not say all of that to other people, when it's none of their business. 

Don't reward lies. Teach tact and teach truth telling with kindness. This isn't always all that easy to do. Right? Because as we've grown up, we, as adults, have learned how to smudge things. How to smooth things over. Yet, we want our kids to tell us the full truth.
So, what I'm also inviting you, as my adult listener, to do is to examine for yourself, where are you lying?
How much are you lying to yourself?
How much are you lying to each other?
I know we started out by saying this is about being honest.
But being honest is in that first question of how much do I lie?
And then, why do I lie?
What am I scared of?
Because, lying helps us get rid of responsibility, but it also makes us full of shame.
And when we tell the truth, we accept responsibility. "Yes, this is what I did."
And, we can either say it with pride and own it. Or, we can be sorry, and we can apologize. Or, simply say, "Not my best move ever."
If we want our kids to be honest, we're going to model for them, not just how to say the truth, but also how to take responsibility for the truth. 

So, my little one is now five or six-years-old and leaves his peanut butter sandwich, half of it eaten, and runs away and says, "I did too eat my whole lunch!" And by now, they know my definition of whole lunch is whole sandwich. Then, I can come back to them and say, "Please take responsibility for why this is your whole lunch." "Well... because I don't want to eat it right now." "Okay, that's a better sentence, than you ate your whole lunch. Why don't you just say, "I want to eat the other half later." That's what I'm going to teach my older kids. If they don't want to eat it right now, then they have to tell me why. "I want to eat it later." "When?" might be my question. "But, when it's later? Like next week, or what?" "No, I want to go out and talk to Jimmy. He's just walking down the street, and then I'll finish it. And then, we'll watch a show." Okay. I'm good with that, because they probably will. But, you see, I want them to take responsibility. 

Now, if I want my kiddos to take responsibility in their honesty, I have to do the same thing. Let's circle back around, as we wrap this up. It is truth that as we adults are parenting kiddos and working on staying married forever with our spouses, that this piece about being honest, gently and kindly, builds into the idea of leadership. When we lie, we don't know who we are. We don't present our full true selves, and people, especially those in our families, don't know who to follow. And, they don't know who to trust. When we tell the truth, kindly, consistently, appropriately, people know that you're trustworthy and that you are followable. That builds confidence in the relationships for our kids and for spouses. If you'll say you love your kiddo one minute, and then the next minute you're screaming about what an idiot they are, your kiddo desperately wants to follow you, and desperately is afraid to follow you. The trust is a mixed message, and they don't know what to do. 

So, I'm going to encourage you to start, because I think you're the adult who's listening, start with yourself. Look at when you are honest. Look at when you lie. And, move towards more truth, more kindness, more consistently. As you do, you will be able to help your kiddos do the same. Because, that then builds responsibility. And, responsibility, builds trust. And, a trusting person is someone we can follow and attach to, and that builds calm, strong, steady relationships.
I know you're working at this. I know this isn't an easy topic.
I wanted you to open your brains about it.
Open the conversations between you and your spouse. Admit you're wrong. Work with each other to become more honest and more kind, because you, and your family, and your marriage is worth it.
And, honesty is one of the key things that we need to have going on in a family, in order for that marriage to really last forever, while you work under the stress of parenting together.
Once again, (I'm) so grateful and glad you have joined me today.
I'm Jan Talen signing off and wishing you truthfully, all the best.
We'll talk to you later.
Bye, bye.