Transcript: Anxiety and Breathing

Hi. Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked over the years to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve the grand balance of being married forever while parenting together. We have used the D.N.A. Method of Communication. It's a simple method that's well organized, and we know that working on our relationships, at any age, at any stage, is worth the work and really rewarding. 

We also know that there are times when there's a little emotion. Well actually, often a big emotion that can really mess things up. We're going to talk about anxiety.
Anxiety is often physiologically, a sense of overwhelming concern or worry, because there doesn't seem to be a good way to bring resolution to a situation.. And even if it's resolved, there is still a nagging thought, "What about next time, and what about next time after that?" So, it's a worry about things in the future and worry of the unknown -the things that we don't have control over. Sometimes we don't know exactly what we're worried about, we can just feel that concern running around in our head all the time. 

Physiologically, what does it feel like? This is for really any age. So, a two-year-old who's worried, and a 42-year-old, or a 92-year-old, much of these are very, very similar. Often their heart rate is a little higher. Depends on how high the anxiety is, but the heart rate is going to go up. There's a little bit of dry mouth. Headaches are pretty common, so are body aches. "My neck hurts." "My shoulders hurt." "My head hurts." "My back hurts." This is where our body is working really hard, putting all of our body energy into trying to solve a problem, and that means all of the muscles as well. So those muscles stay tense, always at the ready for whatever's going to happen. Even though maybe, nothing's going to happen. Often we sweat. We'll complain about being very, very confused. "I can't think clearly." "I can't decide." "I don't know what to do." Very common words to say, "My brain is so foggy. I can't get a solution to the problem that calms me down." And often, that makes us crabby. Crabby can look like anger. Crabby can be crying. Crabby can be silent treatment, and crabby can be just snapping. When just a simple, "Oh sure," would be easy if we weren’t anxious, instead we say, because of our anxiety, "Do I have to?"

Kids... what do they look like when they're anxious? They often cry a lot. We're gonna talk about the physiology of breathing in just a second. But they cry a lot, or they fight, or they resist. They use loud volumes. Lots of air comes out of them. So the word NO... short... two letters... can last for 14 seconds. They're often wiggly. They need to move, so they squirm. They resist your hugs. They don't want to sit still. They don't want to watch something. They're always doing and moving something, often at the peril of the things in their path. Their need to move comes and overrides in their brain their need to think about things. Kids often have to move when they're anxious because they don't have language to be able to say what's going on. And so, the only way they can relieve this anxiety is by moving their bodies. 

Often for kiddos and for adults, if we don't have a good sense of the trust that others around us are for us, and will be helpful for us, or protective towards us, then our anxiety goes higher, because we feel like it's all on us. "Only me will protect me." Instead of knowing that, "Well, I will do my part in protecting me, but others will protect me as well with food, with money, with physical protection, with help, with compassion." 

Anxiety often changes an eating pattern and a sleeping pattern, either overeating or under eating. True for kiddos, and true for adults, that a steady and good sleeping pattern can be really difficult. For kiddos falling asleep anyways is a challenge. But, when we're anxious or worried about something; when we're not clear about what's going to happen; or about whether or not we're going to be safe; then, sleeping and falling asleep can be really hard. And you parents will say to me,  "I ended up sleeping next to them. I've been sleeping next to them for two months." And, I might say, "Well, that's quite a while to sleep right next to your four-year-old or your seven-year-old." We understand that what you're doing is giving them the confidence that you're for them, and that calms them down.

We're gonna add one more piece to this physiology piece, because you've heard me mention, that so much of this is about breathing. Yes breathing. You see, often, when we are anxious, we don't breathe out the air as much as what we have breathed in. Yes, like (sound effect of deeply gulping in air)... that's an exaggeration of gulping in air. And, in this (sound effect of deeply gulping in air)... what happens is we have flooded our brain with oxygen. But, that oxygen then quickly, and appropriately, accurately turns into carbon dioxide, which is a known toxin to us. It is. We are supposed to breathe it out, so that our plants can breathe. Remember that our plants, or trees, or bushes, or flowers are all, as they take in air, turning it into oxygen for us. And, as we breathe in air, we breathe out the carbon dioxide that they need. It's toxic to us.
And, when we don't breathe out all of the air that we took in, our body stores that carbon dioxide. This is true for any age and stage. And so, we have to get rid of this carbon dioxide. The first job of our brain is to protect our body. And so, our brain is always running a carbon dioxide meter. "How's it doing?" And your carbon dioxide meter, much like your carbon monoxide reader in your house, goes off if those levels are too high, your body does the same thing. There's a part over your brain, if you take your index finger, and you go right over your right eye and you, sort of, just stick it right through your skull," poof", you'll run right into the part of your brain that sends off alarms when the carbon dioxide in your body is too high. And, those alarms are going to force you to breathe in a more regular pattern and get rid of some of the carbon dioxide. Oh, this sounds so simple, doesn't it? It's not that simple, but it is the truth. 

We have to get rid of the carbon dioxide. So, we will cry, because we're blowing out a lot of air. We will move, because as soon as we move... we walk fast. we run, we vacuum fast, we begin to breathe on a regular in out pattern. And, it might be heavier breathing, but we're breathing in the same amount we're breathing out. And, that carbon dioxide gets released. As soon as we start to relax, if somebody rubs our shoulders, or we play some calm music, our breathing starts to reset into a more normal pattern of in and out and in and out. And, the anxiety will start to release and go down. 

There are some other tricks we can help kiddos and adults do if they're feeling really anxious. One of them is to just breathe out. We can practice it in some funny ways if we want to. They can be true or not true, it doesn't matter. One way of getting rid of this toxin quickly is by sneezing. Now please, in the age of COVID, be careful where you do this. If you fake sneeze, two or three times... Just (fake sneezing sounds) achoo...achoo.... achoo… You have blown out a lot of air, and that is going to help your body reset. You've gotten rid of some of that extra carbon dioxide.
What's another way you can do it? You can yawn. I don't care if it's real. I do care if you do it in front of somebody else, and they're going to miss read it as you being bored with them. But that big breath in and that long, slow breath out is releasing the carbon dioxide. You can also just take a really deep breath. I sort of think of it in terms of math. Take a deep breath in on a four count 1 2 3 4. So, 1 2 3 4... hold it for 4 counts: 1 2 3 4... now blow it out for eight seconds. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. I'm out of air. Now all the air, from the bottom of your toes, right up to the top of your head, all gets blown out. If you did that slowly two or three times, it would also settle down some of that anxiety, and help you think. If there's carbon dioxide in your brain and those alarms are going off, it's much like if the carbon dioxide or the fire alarm is going off in your house - it's  so distracting you can't think or do anything else. You have to get rid of the beeps. Same thing here. Deal with the carbon dioxide, and everything else will make sense and settle down. 

Get rid of the carbon dioxide. Help your kiddos to do this by some breathing. But you know, there's a funner way to do this. And, that is laughing. Not at someone, but with someone. I don't care if you need to turn on something funny to watch or listen to. My little 5 year old granddaughter yesterday was galloping like a little horse. But, she kept her eyes on me, while she asked me a question. And, she galloped probably 10 feet to the right, and 10 feet to the left, but the whole time she kept her eyes on me. And, so as she turned her head and kept on galloping, and then turned her head the other way just to keep her eyes on me while she was trying to ask me, "Could she....?" I ended up bursting out laughing, because she was so cute, and she was so funny. I had been working on something on the computer, and I was a little stressed out. This relaxed to me. She didn't know that she was doing anything about my anxiety, but I can tell you I sure felt better after laughing. So, if it has to be something cute or something funny to lower that anxiety, do it. Do it with your kids. 

Remember that when your kiddos are resisting you, when anybody's resisting you, it's usually because they are worried. And, when we calm down and talk about what's happening... "What do you want?" You see, my little granddaughter could tell me her desires. She wanted to go outside, which was a fine idea. She had a desire. She wanted to go outside. I had to use my skills of not looking at the computer but watching her and settling my own worry down about what was in the computer and listening to her accurately. I got a little distracted, because she was so doggone cute doing the little pony dance. But, there she went. And, as I listened and heard her accurately, I could now reply saying, truthfully to her, "That's a good idea. And, you are so cute. And, what's the name of your pony?" I listened to her, both with her body language of being a pony and with her verbal language, of "Can we go outside?" I said, "Of course the ponies can go outside. Go for it." And, as we did, we bonded and reconnected through that laughing. She came back in later with another request, and you know what she did? She did her pony dance. Because she had gotten a "yes" last time. She thought she'd get a "yes" this time too, and she did. I don't remember what it was, but I laughed again. You see, using my necessary skills of connecting and managing our own anxiety so that it didn't overflow helped me respond appropriately to her.  I could have been crabby about the anxiety that I had in my computer and said, "No, it's not a good time to go outside." That was my own anxiety talking. That wouldn't have been true for her. When I could settle my own anxiety down, taking care of my emotional me, then I could hear her accurately. And, I could respond kindly. That pulled us together in a nice little bond. She felt honored and protected and went out and had a great time. 

Later on, her cousin came running in and said, "She's stuck in the tree." Now, I could have become anxious about that, but instead I went outside. and I looked. And, sure enough, she was stuck in the tree. Now, she wasn't very high, and she could get down part of the way. And then, she could just, sort of, jump into my arms. It worked out fine. You see, we could make this into a really anxious situation, where I could have become angry with her about climbing in the tree in the first place. But instead, I use those skills of staying calm with my anxiety and problem solved it with her. It worked really, quite nicely, and it was quite fun. 

I want to just invite you to think a little bit about your anxiety. When does it show up? What does it look like? Now, make little notes. Start to pay attention to the people in your family. Even infants have anxiety, and that's why sometimes we say, "Let them cry, because it's their only way to talk." And, they need to reset that carbon dioxide. They're going to do that then by breathing out through their crying. It resets for them. Our one and our two-year-olds still do some crying, but it's because they don't have words. And, they know they have to reset. Make sure that they are running and moving. They've watched the show, and it's created some anxiety in them. Now, let them go run. Help them do something that's fun or funny. 

Being anxious, having anxiety at bedtime is very, very common. Work to keep your own anxiety low by building a plan and working together. Tell your kids about the plan, so that they can play into it some, with some reward... an extra book, or some stars, or an extra show the next day, or time with mom or dad.
Plan that there is going to be anxiety, and then plan so that you can manage it. It's a normal part of life, and we are going to learn how to use it to our benefit. So that when we're really anxious about something, and we need to tightly pay attention to it, we'll have the energy to do it. And, we'll be able to say, "This is what I'm really anxious about. And now, I'm going to breathe out, and I'm going to problem solve. I'm going to ask for help if I need it. I'm going to look at my options. And, I'm going to choose the best one for the moment and for the long haul. (While) paying attention to what my desires and my dreams are; to the skill levels that I have; and to the support that I have around me. 

Life isn't easy. Life is always going to have anxiety. But, when we understand that it's about breathing and thinking, we now don't have to be so anxious about where did it come from? It came from you holding your breath. It sounds so simple as soon as you begin to reset your body. 

I'll give you a few other ideas,  I guess, because we can think a little bit broader here. We could use some of the mindfulness techniques. Use some meditation. For me, I had a little kiddo last night. He was sleeping over, and he was just crying. And, he just wanted his mommy, and his mommy couldn't come. So, he cried, and I said to him, because this is a Christian faith that we live and work with, I said, "You know what, Jesus knows what your worries are. And, He knows that you want your mommy. And, Jesus is going to be extra close tonight." And so, I just said a little prayer that God would come and show this little guy His peace. That little guy fell asleep soon enough. I knew that he was just worried, so he needed to cry for a minute. It was his best way. He didn't have really good words. He just had crying. And then, we just prayed some peace into it. 

Maybe that works for you. I hope it does. But maybe also, yoga works, or some meditation works. Maybe a massage works. Do what you need to do to lower that anxiety. You are worth it. Your family is worth it.
If you want to know more about how to really work on that anxiety, calming stuff, and get some really good communication skills, then really look at the Us...and Kids Communications Program and the DNA Process that's on the website at usandkids.com.
I am cheering for you that you will have a calm, and a peaceful, and a joyful day, filled with laughter. You are worth it. So is your family, and your spouse, all those good relationships around you.
Thank you for joining today.