Transcript: How Can I Help?

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

Well, what in the world is D.N.A.? You want to know... right? Or, you're thinking, wait, I know. That's like something underneath my skin with the way my body is made. True. It is also a way to communicate that is unique to you, but also very well organized, just like your DNA. It includes Defining your desires and using necessary skills, key skills, for achieving those desires in a way that keeps you in close relationship with those around you. And, that happens by A: applying your skills, appropriately to whoever you're interacting with at their age in their situation.
And today, we're talking about, "How can I help?" Or, "How can I support?" I've been a bit busy with helping or supporting the kids and the people around me. And, this is not a sentence about complaining. It's a sentence about me looking and watching. "Why are they asking?" And, "how can I help?" I remember saying that several times or thinking it in my head. "How can I best help them?" "What would suit them best?" "What would help them the most?"... thinking about their age, thinking about their situation, and thinking about what skills I had available. 

So, we're going to work our way through the word SUPPORT in a bit of an acronymy sort of way. But, looking at each letter briefly from both: What if you're looking for support, what would you do?;  And, if you're offering support, or being asked to support someone, or help someone, what's your best way to respond? What skill is usually best in that situation?
The S in support. If you need something, SAY SOMETHING. If you need it, say it. Say, "Please, bring in the groceries." Say, "Please can you take the kids for a bit." You can hear it right? It's a little vulnerable to ask, because it admits you can't do it. On the other hand, the asking is what brings us a connection that we talked about in D.N.A. It's the connections with others, and they matter. And, if we ask for support by saying something, then that person can connect with us. And, how do you connect? By smiling and saying, "Yes!" Or, saying or asking, "What can I do?" Smile and, "Sure, I'll do that. I can help." Oh, it's so wonderful when somebody asks for support, and someone says, "Yes." The relief that happens and the connection that happens, now you've joined together. That's an important part of those necessary skills is connection. 

The U. What does the person who is asking for help usually need? UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, not judgment. That means, that when you're the helper, you have to set aside your judgment of, "Not again!" Or, "I don't want to do that. Well, I'll help them with this, but I ain't helping them with that!" Because, they can feel that's not unconditional love, and that helps them hesitate to ask you. But, when they know that you're going to smile and say, "Sure. What can I do?" Then, they're going to be empowered by your love. They need unconditional love. What are you going to do? Bring understanding and cooperation. This doesn't mean that you have to do things illegal, immoral, way, way, way outside your comfort zone. You can have some boundaries around things. But, you're going to do it with a lot of compassion.
When we talk about the skills in D.N.A. For Fun Communications Program, this is what we're going to talk about. In many ways, is that the attitude we bring into a relationship really impacts that relationship. 

The next letter is P. Usually if somebody is asking for help, often they're asking for PEOPLE HELP. They're not asking for help from the dog. Now sometimes, they're asking for money help, but that's still gonna come from you... a people. Right?
How do you bring help? Two places here. One of them is bring help with power. Not like a bull in a china cabinet kind of power, but with power and protection. The power that says, "I have the strength and the energy. I'll take the time to do it." No problem is the answer here. When they need people, your answer is sacrificial, "No problem." "How can I do it?" "What do you need protection with?" Now sometimes, this is just a little bit of transportation. Somebody says, "We're out of milk again, and breakfast is so awful if we don't have milk." "Oh... well, I can bring you milk." Right, I have the power to do that, and I can protect your breakfast and start to the day by getting you some. Listen to the "I can," because that speaks of confidence. And, it brings in that you have listened well to what the request was. "I need milk for breakfast." You've listened accurately to that, and you've spoken right to it. "I can bring that milk." Now they're connected. They're not judged. 

And, their peace that moves in that next part. The next P is PEACE. Often when people need support, and we're saying, "How can I help?" They're saying, "I'm not at peace with what's going on. I'm troubled. I'm overwhelmed." And, when we bring in a way to solve the problem, we bring in a way of bringing them peace. And, it's protective. When they suggest, "Could you get me some milk?" And, you say, "Sure. I can." And, you know, it's 11:30 at night. The grocery stores a half hour away. Then, it's another 15 minutes to them. You're gonna be on the road for an hour and 20. And, it's sacrificial there. It's generous.
These are elements of when we are using our necessary skills of speaking, and listening, and controlling our own emotions. We're doing that by saying, "I'm willing to sacrifice my time, some of my energy, so my gas... for them." Listen to the peace that that would bring if somebody sacrificed like that for you. Would you not feel honored? Wouldn't you feel protected and loved? And, when we feel honored, protected, and loved by someone else, it often calms our brain down. And now, we, the person who needs some support, can take that deep breath and move forward. 

The O. We often need OTHER PEOPLE'S ENERGY. We're out. That's why we're asking for something. Right? So we need other people's energy. And remember, you're going to have to say something if you need it. When you ask for other people's energy, your answer is, "Okay."

I'm aware that some of you are going, "Wait, wait, wait... too much. This person would ask for this and this and this and this and this." Yep, they would. There can be some boundaries around those. But, when other people ask for something, and they need some of your energy, there's a good chance you have it. Don't be stingy. Say, "Okay," and give them some. 

So, what kind of energy you're wondering? And, we'll move on to the T. (This) kind of energy that takes TIME, often takes some TALKING, some TENDERNESS. Sometimes some TRUTH. What do you bring to them? You're the one helping. Those things... your time; time to talk, time to be tender. Sometimes truth, very gently done. Remember they're weary. They asked for support. So, slamming them with the truth about something, and that they need help again, probably is not going to build that connection. And, when we talk about listening accurately, and speaking clearly, and managing your own emotions as necessary skills, those are skills that you're going to do with great compassion and care. Because, you're going to protect the relationship over your own emotions about helping again. 

There's one more thing that the person bringing support would bring, and that is the ability to think a little bit more clearly. Some time to think ahead.
"Well, if we do this, what are the consequences? If we do that, what are the consequences?" Being able to talk that through with the person who's asking for help, often brings around a lot of calmness. Because, that's part of why they ask for help is they're overwhelmed, and they can't figure it all out. There's too much going on at one time. 

So now, let's just take a minute and let's remember we said, say something and smile. Use unconditional love, understanding, and cooperation. Remember that the need is often people. The people bring power, protection, and problem solving. The need is for other people's energy. The ability for us to be able to say, "okay," is smart. It calms everybody down. And then, we often know that it's going to involve time, and talking, and tenderness, and gentle truth, as well as, thinking. 

Let's just talk for a minute about a couple of different situations maybe that we could pick from. My situations lately have been helping people pack and move. And, this involves the adult and the kids. So, I'm going to think about when I was helping one of my grandchildren, and they had to pack up their bedroom. And, they were overwhelmed because they had put a lot of stuff in their bedroom.
And so she said something to me, "Grandma, are you going to help me do my bedroom?"
And, I smiled, and I said, "I am. That's why I came tonight." That was my, "Yes, I came to do your bedroom."
We were sitting and sorting, and she had boxes and things and lots and lots of treasures. And, we had made three different piles. I was  non judgmental, I just had a lot of love and understanding that this was something she had never had to do before. She had been able to save everything she wanted to save. (She) had no need to throw anything away from kindergarten on up.
And now, she had to pick, and she had to put them into different piles.
I had to understand and cooperate. She needed me. I was a people, and I offered some protection. This is not a slam on her mom. But for her and her mom, this would take hours, and I offered that protection. They don't need this kind of stress between them. If I can sit on the floor and accomplish the same task as mom, (she and I think very similarly), without creating struggle, but instead keeping the peace, I can do that.
And, she needed someone else's energy. Her’s wasn't good enough, and she didn't understand really what to do...how to sort her things.
And, it was important that when she said, "No, I need to keep that piece of paper. It's from fourth grade when I did this." It's a piece of paper. I said, "Okay, then put it in your keep pile." We talked. We took a lot of time. We were tender. She told me a lot of truths.
We could think ahead a little bit like, "When you come back and you open this box again, are you going to be glad to still have this?" And, sometimes she went, "ehhh." And, sometimes she said, "Yes."
We defined her desires. What did she want to keep? What did she want to throw away? What did she want to store to keep? What could she bring with her? We used the necessary skills. I listened carefully to her. I understood what her desires were in her three piles. And, I honored her when she said, "I needed this." I honored those. I protected that stuff. When I didn't really understand what in the world she was talking about, I gave her grace, the benefit of the doubt, another necessary skill. And, I worked with her like she was nine, not like she was 29. Those are different conversations. But, she's just nine, and so we just worked our way through it. 

Now, let's talk about an adult that said, "I need some help." And I said, "What can I do?" And, this time we needed unconditional love as well, because there was going to be a run to the ER. And, that meant the kids needed somebody to take care of them. And, who am I really helping? Well, the kids a little bit, right? They need a safe place to stay and be, and eat, and all of that. But, I'm also not judging why mom and dad are going to the ER. I'm just saying, "Yep, that's right. That's your best decision. That's what you're going to do. I'm in."
Now, you and I know ER visits are not usually short and sweet. So, I just came with understanding of that and with cooperation. I added power and protection. Powerful love for those kiddos, because the night was gonna be bumpy. This sleeping at Grandma's house on a school night is not something they usually do. And, they don't quite get what happened with Mom and Dad. (Things turn out fine.) They needed people around them. They got people around them. One of their friends brought them supper to the ER. They were texting and sort of joking, because I think they sat in the ER waiting room for two and a half hours, sort of deciding maybe it wasn't an emergency but they were already there so they waited.
But nonetheless, they needed people, and they needed some expertise. And, they did get some of that once they finally saw a doctor. There we go. We added some people, and some power, and some protection. As the evening wound up and everything sort of going back to normal, there is peace. And, we did some problem solving. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. So, they put on some tee shirts from us, and we grabbed their clothes, got them showered, and their clothes clean in case they needed them tomorrow.
Listen to the problem solving we used to bring peace, not just in the nighttime, but  for peace in the morning too. We looked forward and gave benefit of the doubt when we looked towards the future because we knew there was some tension or anxiety from the kids as they didn’t really understand what was going on.
But you know what, we can just problem solve and give peace away ourselves by saying, "Okay, it is what it is." And, not judging or being crappy about it, but instead using all of that energy that could go into that, sort of, crappy place, and putting it into a helpful space. We listened. We thought ahead. We took time, and we were tender. 

Do you hear this is what support is. When you need support, say so, even if it's just, "Could you please bring in the milk? There are two more bags of groceries there, but I've got a nurse this little guy, so can you finish the grocery thing and putting them away?"
There's a need then for the other person, or the people around to be able to say, "Sure. Okay." When you need support, remember to say something. When you are asked for support, remember to say okay, not just with your mouth, but with your heart and with your brain. Because, as you do, your hopes and dreams, your desires for your family relationships and marriage, will come together, because you will become more connected. You will figure out how to stay calm, because you can rely on the other person. And, you can work in any situation then. Applying, "You're okay," and your "I need some helps" to any situation, so that your dreams and your desires come true. 

Thank you for listening today.
There's a printable of these ideas right here available to you. And, I hope that you use it, so that when there's a tension between you and your spouse, or you and your kids, you can go back and look and say, "Where did I go wrong?" "What did I miss?"
You might jot down some of your own ideas about the best way you can support the individuals in your family. Notice how they feel best loved and best supported. Think about your kids, when they need support. Even your two and three-year-olds, even your newborn, needs support some time. What does that look like? These change over time. Think it through. Talk it through with each other. Jot it down. Don't expect your brain to remember all of this. Jot it down. Put it on your mirror. Put it on your fridge. I had papers in my kitchen cupboards for years telling me what to do. I use them. You use it too.. 

I'm cheering for you.
You know hanging around good people 24/7, living with people, is not always easy. But, when we join in and say, "How can I help?" And, we support each other, it ends up being a pretty doggone good time.
Hang in there. We'll talk to you next week.
Bye, bye.