Transcript: Encourage

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

It takes a lot of courage to do that, and it also takes a lot of encouragement to do that. The D.N.A. method of communication often talks about this need for having courage, but also how to use encouragement to help build up courage. We know this is worth the work. Being married forever while you parent together is so very rewarding. Last week, we talked about the ingredients for courage. We mix them up and blend them with all sorts of characteristics and skills so that we grow and nurture over time. And those actions help us have courage. It includes some things like self-confidence, integrity, compassion, willingness to change. We've said that as the ingredients grow and develop; as you use them, you become stronger with your courage and you're able to use it more often. Then,  what you'll notice, is that you become intrinsically motivated. This means that you are okay with doing things without being bribed or paid, or have an extra plus benefit. You just do it, because it's the right thing to do. It's a good thing to do. Why not? 

That intrinsic motivation is really key in terms of how we parent our little ones as well. And in the DNA method, we talk about pursuing your dreams and your desires for yourself, but also for your family and how you want your kiddos to be. You play a role in that, and knowing what you're parenting towards is important. So what do you desire for yourself and for your kiddos? And then, what skills do you need? And in the DNA method, that necessary skills, the N, necessary skills, includes things like: being able to connect with a good amount of vulnerability and honesty; managing your emotional self; being able to listen accurately and speak clearly; and being able to use honor and protection and equipping; along with the courage and the compassion to give benefit of the doubt when you don't know what’s in the blank spaces of info; and being able to stay close to each other, even when you're under tension and disagreement. All of those things take courage and growing courage is something that we often have to practice every day. You know what else? We can help each other grow courage by encouraging each other. 

So today, I just want to talk a little bit about how do we help each other? How do we encourage each other? What does that look like and sound like? One of them is, we've heard it before, is that, "Yay for you!"... encouraging words of saying, "You did it!" "You can do it! Yay!"
It's positiveness. And in this positiveness, what we really want to do is we want to encourage or affirm the effort, not necessarily the result. What happens in a brain is that when the encouragement or the affirmation comes from a finished product, for kiddos and for adults, we see that the only time we should really have courage is if we are going to be sure that the result is going to be good. And so, in the long run, it can hold us back from taking more courageous steps, because we're not sure of the end result. When the praise and the affirmation is in the effort... "Wow. Did you work hard on that! Ohhh man, I could see the hours and the thought and the determination you put into that!" That kind of encouragement, with those kinds of directions into their character, helps them see that when they use those elements they can try anything. I hope that you can hear the difference.
It's praising the effort that motivates adults and kiddos to keep trying and to do something again, because it's about their effort, not about the end result. When the affirmation there about the effort, rather than the end result, the courage - and the kiddos don't crumble so quickly. The kiddos and the adults understand that when things don't work very well they could put in a different kind of effort. They realize they have the power over the changes and could do something different to get a different result. This encouragement increases motivation. 

It also increases the resilience, so that the shame doesn't sneak in when something doesn't go their way. It could be the shame of, "I didn't win that game." "I missed that goal." Or, the shame of, "I didn't get a good grade." Or, the shame of, "My mom and my daddy who weren't pleased with me."  Where we don't want shame to stay and creep in, because it will always cut out a space of being in-courage, in a space of courage. So, those affirmations of actions and choices that are specific about an effort are really important to do.

For example, I was watching a little kiddo yesterday make a puzzle. And about a month or so ago... maybe six weeks or so, this little guy had said, "I'm not very good at making puzzles." And so, we sat down together, and we made a floor puzzle together. We talked about: how you match colors and shapes; and how you try... you have to pick it up and put it in, you can't slide it in; and how to hold a big puzzle piece with their little hands, so they could get it in the right spot. And, there he is sitting on the floor, all by himself, separating the colors and making the puzzle by himself.
And, my sentence to him was, "Wow! You have done a really good job at remembering how to put a puzzle together, and this is an even bigger puzzle! You're gonna solve it really well!"
Rest time is over. I come in. There's the puzzle, and it is done.
And I say, "You concentrated so much. I'm so impressed, and this is a beautiful puzzle." And, we talked about the characteristics in the picture in the puzzle. How much purple there was, and the picture of the castle. You can hear my affirmation here is very specific, and it's about the effort, more than about whether or not he put the puzzle together. 

Another way to use encouragement is to not use it manipulatively. More accurately said: When we give positive information, we are giving it to build them up, not to trick them. You have to watch your own personal agenda here, whether or not you're giving praise to trick them into doing it more or doing it again.
Kids and adults can tell when that praise is not genuine. The sentence such as, "Good. You did really well at that, but I know you can do better," is intended to motivate someone to do harder and try more next time. This kind of encouragement that has that control in it instills a bit of temporary self-worth, because now your kiddo or spouse is only good for a moment and approved of for a moment. And, their self-confidence becomes shaky because as soon as they didn't do it or do better next time, even if they put out their best effort... even if they don't do better next time, that means that their self-worth is not as much. 

I had a child who studied and worked diligently in school. We did the worksheets. We reviewed. She could spit out information to me like no tomorrow. She'd go to take a test, and it didn't happen. I had to be careful to not over-show my reaction when the grade didn’t reflect what I know she knew. I didn’t want her self-worth to be based on the value of that test, that letter on that test grade. She would sink. And instead, we talked about the value of grades, and we talked about that we knew she knew the stuff, and really, that's really what mattered to me. It isn't what the grade was. I didn't want the letter on a test to be contingent for her self-worth and have her dig a ditch just because the grade didn't come back as she and I had hoped. When we're doing encouraging, do it straight up. Don't don't with trickery. (You) can sort of hear this... this encouraging place, it has to be genuine. 

What happens when we add a place of comparing one kiddo toward another. “You know you're not like your brother," or, "you're so much like your mother." That kind of stuff erodes confidence. It doesn't build it up. It doesn't give them courage to improve. Instead, it says, "Oh dear. I'm not going to be as good as them." It adds depression, and it eliminates motivation.
So our encouragement to our kiddos and to our spouses has to be clean. It has to be full of integrity.
"I am proud of you for putting in this effort in learning all of these chemistry words." (That's) something I would have said to my daughter. "That's what I'm proud of is the effort you put in." I don't ask her, "How did your other friends do?" Sometimes, I want to know. I wish I knew the curve, like how many other kids didn't pass this test either? What we want to say when we're praising someone, when we're encouraging someone, is that, "I'm pleased, impressed, encouraged by their efforts." When we say it the other way around, and we compare them. "Well, how did your friend do?" Or, "how did the rest of the class do?" Or, "I don't know why you can't keep up with so and so, or this or that," we watch the other emotions creeping in: frustration, anxiety, helplessness. Resilience goes down.
Encouragement has to be genuine, straight up, clean, and genuine. 

When we overpraise for something that was really simple, it's insulting. And, we under-praise for something that somebody who worked and worked and worked on, that too is insulting. Either way we haven't spoken into the amount of confidence that they used, the amount of courage they had to muster up to keep going forward. Kids and adults can hear when we're insincere, and when we're not interested.
Use your praise and affirmation in ways that match the intensity of the effort.
That means you have to be paying attention, and you have to have the courage to be able to find good words, even when you think their effort wasn't very big. They didn't try very hard. One approach might be asking for more information. "Tell me about how hard this was for you." "How much effort did you put in?" Not in a judging way. You can hear, I'm going to be curious. This is not sneaky, because I want to know. Sometimes they say things like, "I put in so much effort, but it's because my partner over here, he didn't do anything. And so, I had to keep trying to stay on track, even when he was doing this or this or this." (They may) say, "I'm not very good at drawing, and they wanted me to draw. And, this was a lot of work for me to draw." You can hear when we're really pushed into a new skill, and we don't think the result is very good, our kiddos, even an adult, may have said, "(This is) so new to me that this isn't probably going to be my best ever, but it is my best first." And, when we honor their best first, as being just that, and with full of enthusiasm for the effort, the ideas, the courage that they used, we affirm their start.  Even if it looks to us like they only used 3% courage and 97% fear, we focus on the courage and encourage them to keep on doing something new. 

And finally, in order to build up someone's courage, so we're going to encourage them  spontaneously. When they're right on target, and you can see what they've done, give them that big hug and high five!  Let them know from your heart that you are impressed with their courage and effort! Then, the kids and the adults know it's straight from your heart. It's so true from you to them, and that energy is encouraging. It builds up courage in other people.
I have a little guy who I'm around right now, and he's in the process of learning what we call “how to go in the potty.” And so, we were practicing that yesterday, and he would hop up, and he would say, "I did it!" And, I would say, "A high five," and away he'd go. He'd come running over to me bare buttomed as could be, high fiving me. And, he would say, "I need a chocolate chip!" And, I would go, "Yes, you do." Away we'd run to get the chocolate chip, and then we'd work on re-clothing the little guy. But, whatever landed in the potty was worth the high five, and I was going to be all in on helping him figure out how to control all of those muscles in his body. I was genuinely thrilled. He's old enough, and he's smart enough.
So, as you think about how you encourage. I've said some things. "Do it this way." "Don't do it that way." Be sincere. Be genuine. Look more towards the effort and the energy than the end result. 

Do your own little evaluation.
How are you as an encourager?
For your spouse, what would be better?
For your kiddos... look at each one. They're all different. They need different ways of being encouraged in order to grow that courage inside of them.
And, you're going to look at what do they need?
What do you want them to be... that end desire? 
And then, how are you going to change your encouragement, so that they can grow into that? How are you going to change your communication patterns with your spouse, so that they can grow in courage?
And, how are you going to change your own self-talk, so that your courage can grow as well?

Life will continue to change. Adversity and challenges will continue to show up at our doorstep. As we grow in courage, and we grow in encouraging others, these challenges become easier to manage. (They are) not always fun, but easier to manage.
I am cheering for you. I hope to meet you someday in the D.N.A. For Fun Communications Program.
And, I am cheering you on to live well with integrity, with compassion, and with courage.
Thank you for joining.
Bye, bye.