Transcript: EASTER

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

So my question right now is: “Did you make a New Year's resolution to become more of your best self?” Are you telling yourself, or someone else telling you, that you should make better choices about food to eat, or the way you use your time, or your energy, or your emotions? Have you thought that you should make better choices about your clothes, or your words, or your use of alcohol? Are you becoming more aware that what you want or desire, the D in the D.N.A. is not that easy to get?

So today, we're going to talk about Easter. We're also going to fit that into our desires, and the skills that we need to achieve our desires. This is not a highly spiritual, Christian podcast in terms of that we're not going to talk all about the Jesus part of it. We're going to talk about the good human health part of it. And you're right, Easter is based in a Christian belief. We can make it so that it also works with everyday life, and how it does fit into your spiritual life.

Let's go! We're wondering about that desire. I just said, "Did you make a New Year's resolution?" Are you living up to it? Living into it? Or, are you thinking, “This isn't that easy!”  We can often figure out what we desire... what our dreams are. But then, we become discouraged, because we can't get there. And, that's often because we don't have the necessary skills for achieving those desires. And sometimes, we have the necessary skills, but we surely don't know how to apply them well. That's the A in the D.N.A... your desires, your necessary skills, and good application. 

So, let's just review for a minute what the necessary skills are for being nicely connected in a snug, secure relationship in our marriage and with our kids. These necessary skills are:
Knowing how to connect and how to reconnect.
Knowing how to manage your emotional me.
Knowing how to listen accurately, so it's not just the voices in your head, but actually the words that are coming out of someone else's mouth that you were able to hear accurately.
And then, knowing how to speak kindly, using touch, so that it builts connection. And in that, using honor, protection, and the process of equipping to strengthen relationships, to build courage and compassion and connection. Along with that would, of course, come cooperation.
Knowing how to give grace by building in benefit of the doubt. And,
knowing how to stay connected, even when there's tension, by using the skill of turning towards each other.
So, those are the eight necessary skills that come out of the D.N.A. Communication Program.

They are also the skills that we're going to look at now, when we break down the word Easter to explore some ways that we can live really well, as we continue into 2021. 

E... EAT REAL FOOD. I didn't say eat more food. I didn't say eat less food. I just said, "Eat real food." My definition of that is more protein, less sugar. More complex carbs, less food that really does nothing for my body except for fill it.
We know that feeding your body is important. That's not a trick, is it? We also know that feeding your body and your brain in the morning is still the most important meal of the day. We often make it sound like it (the most important meal) is supper time. But, breakfast is what kicks our brain off in the morning after giving it that six to eight hour of sleep or resting. (I know...you're laughing because you think it's more like four hours of sleep!) And now, your body and your brain are hungry again. It wants protein in order to be able to think and complex carbohydrates to be slippery enough to send electrical currents (aka thoughts) to the right spaces. And, my friends, sugar and coffee does not have protein or complex carbs in them. If that's your only part of breakfast, then I'm going to invite you to add some protein. Because, as you do, this will help you manage your emotional self, which will keep you calmer and start the day off on the right foot. You're saying, "Oh no, I need my coffee." I'm sure you do need your coffee. Add with it real food, because it will get your brain started off in the right space. As it does that, it will also then get your emotions in the right space, in order to manage the bumps of good mornings when you have littles around. Now, I know some of you thought is, "It's not that easy." And, I will agree with you. Littles in the morning is not always easy, especially if we have somewhere to go. Getting them real food, and you real food will help all of you manage your emotional selves a bit better. 

The next one... answer your questions that are swirling around in your head.
If E is eat real food.
A is ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. Listen to your self. Your self... two words Write those questions that keep swirling in your head... write them down. They don't have to be public... wisely if they're not. And then, quietly, (this often for me happens in the shower), use your mind, your body, and your spirit to listen to what some of the answers to your questions might be. Listening here is listening to your nudges, but also listening to your emotions, to your worry, to your hopes, to your anger, or your frustrations.

I'm not inviting you, right now, to act on your answers. I'm asking you to get to know your answers, because as you gently listen to your self, you will get that hint that says to talk to somebody else about this. Or, to write this down and figure it out, so that you have a good, no shame, no regret solution. Sometimes in listening to myself, I hear, "Let it go Jan. It's not that big a deal." Or, I hear, "Talk about this when things are calmer. Everybody is too bumpy right now. This is not the time to do that." Sometimes, I hear, "Then set a time to talk about it. Be intentional."

As I get the answers, as best I can, I now can more accurately listen to the story in my head and make it more true.
As the story in my head is accurate,
then my emotions will be more accurate,
and that will help my connections be more accurate,
which will help what I think and what I say be more accurate.
And by accurate, which is also an A word, which is why I'm using it. I really also mean kind, connective, cooperative, gracious.
So, answer those questions in your head in a way that builds you up and strengthens you, as well as, building up other people. Use those skills we just listed to answer your questions. It will help your heart settle down. 

S... STAY AWAY FROM SHAMEFUL THINGS. Stay away from shameful things, thoughts, and actions.
Let's just define shame. Shame is thinking and believing that I, as a person, am inherently bad. I will never be good. I will never be good at being a parent. I will never be a good enough spouse. I will never... and it goes into a self belief and identity that beats yourself up and holds you down. And, it eats up confidence and courage.
Now sometimes, we can feel guilty, and we're supposed to if we did something wrong, if our action was wrong. That requires, sensibly so, an action of asking for forgiveness and of making it right.
When we are working on staying away from shameful things, thoughts, or actions, usually we will say that using self-control, that emotional control in module two, is going to be important. We are going to add to that honor and protection. Because, when we stay away from shameful things, we are now protecting ourselves, because we are worth protecting. And, we are honoring who we were made to be, instead of putting your heads down and saying, "I'm a nothing." We are lifting our head and our shoulders physically, mentally, and emotionally, and saying, "I have good, and I'm bringing it into these relationships. I'm not here on accident. I'm here for a reason, and I'm going to make that reason worth my energy." 

This isn't easy work. That's why I say, "Stay away," because recovering from shame is a little harder. When you can see yourself wanting to sink; when you can hear that storyline run through you that says, "See, I told you you weren't going to be any good at that." "See I told you, the kids are always going to like their dad more than their mom. You're just not a good mom." Those are shameful thoughts, and we would now use self-control to say, "Now, just pause a minute. Pause a minute, Jan. You're not a bad mom, because you said that they (your kiddos) had to wear their shoes outside today." That's not being a bad mom. They can scream all they want. It's probably a wise idea for us right now, in Michigan. It's about 30 degrees. "Yes, maybe we do want to wear shoes. Because our kiddos resist, doesn't make me bad."
Listen to how I've given my own self talk. Using my own self-control to not just say, "Oh, screw it! Nevermind! Do whatever you want!"
That's not honoring to them or protecting my kiddos, but it's also not honoring and protecting me. In my self-control, I will be able to say, "You know what, they're gonna resist me asking them to put on shoes. So, I'm just going to honor them, not by cooperating with their bad idea of going barefoot, but I am going to honor them by saying, I'm wondering what shoes you would like to wear? You can wear your rain boots. You can wear your winter boots. You can wear your tennis shoes. You've gotta put something on. What ones do you want to wear?" And, I don't care if they pick one of each. Course, it would be three-footed, but you get what I mean. Right? Stay away from those shameful things. 

So, so far we're eating real food.
We're answering our questions in our head.
And, we're staying away from shameful things.
T... TELL THE TRUTH TO YOURSELVES AND TO OTHERS. This feeds into the answer your questions and stay away from shameful things is to tell the truth to others and to yourself.  The end word is important... kindly. Rash, brash, crash make a mess. Telling the truth is challenging. When we parent our kiddos, and they obey part of the instruction: “Get ready for bed.” And so, they put on their PJs, but they skip teeth, hair, clothes away, whatever else there is.
We say, "They're not telling the whole truth."
And so we mention to our kiddo, "You lied to me when you said you were ready for bed."
Can you hold yourself up to that same standard? A part truth is a lie. And, lies always entangle us - personally if we're lying to ourselves. Relationally, if we're lying to other people. Even if no one else knows about the lie, it entangles us. It trips us up. Because to lie means that we break connection with our true self, and the truth about ourselves. Hear that accurately. To lie means that we break connection. Module number one, necessary skill number one is connection. We break connection with our true self and the truth about ourselves. It's also one of the most powerful ways to disconnect from those we love and are in relationship with. It takes courage to think and deal with the truth. It also often takes time. 

r T's right now are truth, thinking, and time. The truth might be that you're feeling very down, blue, and unmotivated. And, that you've been faking it. You're crying alone. You're angry, but telling no one... just plastering a smile on your face. Always wanting a drink, not of water, to try to soothe yourself. But, you're afraid to even say something to anyone, because they won't believe it.
Or, other side of the spectrum, they would overreact. Or, they would say, "Shape up! You've got it pretty good, you know!" They would make it bigger or smaller than what it is, or they would make it about them...when really you just want to be listened to and cared about.
Not really cared for. Cared about. That's an emotional piece, not a behavioral piece. It's someone being empathetic with you. Sitting in your shoes, and saying, "I hear you. I understand your pain." And, not working to fix it, as much as care about it.
When you're that alone and blue, often the story can start to be that you're no good and shame fills in. My suggestion for truth telling to yourself is by telling yourself, (and for me, my Jesus), the truth of what I feel.  And then, I also add the truth that I know when I'm not in such a ditch. This truth might be that I will not stay in this ditch  - some food, rest and snuggles with my Chipper will help me think and feel differently (and more wisely). 
There are other forms of truth. Just like when we build something, we would see a different angle of the same picture, depending on which side of it you're on. Your house is the same house. But, it looks different on the north side of your house, than on the south side of your house, than on the east and on the west... same house. And, that's the truth as well. When we look at a situation, and we're struggling with the truth - try to walk around it and look at all the different sides. Because, the side you're looking at has a ditch, but another side of it might not. And, both are true. There is a ditch, and there are places in the situation that are not a ditch. 

Truth for me is that my emotions are not to define me. I am the one who defines me, not my emotions or my situations. You are free to define and redefine yourself as you know best. We call that growing and developing. And, if the you you know, is your best at the moment, but it's also ready for an upgrade, then own that truth and use the steps to get yourself into a better place. That could mean that you work on some of those earlier parts of this Easter acronym. 

E...ENCOURAGE OTHERS AND YOURSELF TO DO GOOD, WISE THINGS.
E... encourage. To encourage means we think the best of others, even when we have to overlook some of the bad to get to the good. 

A little girl I know is trying so hard to get five stars on her paper. And, when she does, she gets to go on a donut date with her daddy. All she has to do is stay calm and okay when going to preschool. Now, she's in a safe place, and she loves school once she gets past the first 30 seconds of being dropped off. The transition piece is so hard for her. Her mom and I encouraged her to work past those 30 seconds with some help from the teachers. We look past the shiny, teary eyes that are trying so hard to not to just turn into waterfalls, and we help her look into all the other minutes after the 30 seconds that were a good part of her morning. We help her to see the good, the wise, and the fun decisions she made with their friends and with her teachers.
We don't focus on the shiny, teary eyes in the 30 seconds. That's not encouraging to her. We encourage her to see past it and to work your emotional self until she gets to the good place.
So today, she had very, shiny eyes. Her teacher said, "She had a very, very, good day." And, she got another one of her five stars on her way to her sweet, fun date with her dad. 

Last one... R. RAISE YOUR HEAD physically. Raise your head; put your shoulders back; look up and around and see the goodness; and be grateful. Even in the mess of Legos, and toys, and diapers, and bottles, and shoes, and coats, and dishes, the gratefulness is you are alive.
The gratefulness is you have all that stuff.
The gratefulness means you have other people in the house with you.
This skill of being grateful is much easier when we are looking at others and not just looking at ourselves. Which is why I say, "Raise your head. Look around." We know how powerfully you can connect when you believe and see the good, more than the bad, in any relationship... in your two-year-old, your seven-year-old, your 12-year-old, and your spouse who sometime you think is still 22. 

It can be so challenging for a kiddo to share something. They are so scared to do so, and so they put all sorts of rules around it. "You could hold it with this hand." "You could only have it for two minutes." "You can't change my baby's clothes." "Or, you can't bring it outside."
We can understand that they are scared about losing their precious toy, or their control. And, we can come up next to them and say, "I am glad you're having so much courage to share your baby doll."
This is my gratitude. I'm raising my head, instead of feeling ashamed about that my kid can't just share everything without a problem. I'm raising my head, without shame, and I'm coming to my kiddo and saying, "You're doing a good job. I will set my timer for two minutes, and then we can decide if you could keep on sharing. Or, if you need to take a break."
This helps your kiddo lift up their head and see that they are okay and be grateful they have a mom or a dad who's next to them seeing their fear and protecting them. When we are protected, it's much easier to see the good around us, because we don't have to worry about protecting ourselves. Our mom, or our dad, or our spouse just did it for us. 

hat about for you? I'm guessing you're an adult and not a kiddo trying to share something. What about for you? Can you lift your head up out of your depression, out of your weariness, away from your anxiety, and see what is good? Not perfect. That is not where I'm going here. What is good? Notice, maybe a half a thing, whatever you can notice is good. Accept that. Raise your head with it. It's good. Where you can, find the energy to say, "Thank you." "Please." "That was nice." "I appreciate that." When we say those things, we not only lift our head with honor, but we also help others lift their heads out of shame and despair and into, "Oh, I'm valued." And, when we feel valued, we join in the connection, and those connections matter. As we speak well, kindly, somewhat encouragingly, it helps us think better and that builds hope and optimism, which then helps us connect to our real selves and to others in a more pleasing and pleasant way. 

So for E.A.S.T.E.R., we have gotten ourselves into the space of saying it is about EATing real food, because it matters how our brain is. ANSWERing our own questions quietly, kindly. In answering your own questions, we're STAYing away from SHAMEFUL things, or thoughts, or actions as best we can. And often, we can stay away from those shameful things by telling the TRUTH to ourselves and to others kindly. In telling the truth, we're able then to ENCOURAGE ourselves and others to do good and wise things like helping a little one learn how to share, helping an older one, and adult person, live and do what is right and good. That then, gives us courage to RAISE our heads, and look around, and see the goodness around us, and to be grateful. 

These are all good things and good things come out of Easter. As we said before, Easter comes out of the Christian faith and is a day of celebration for Christians, because we believe that Jesus was a person born about 2000 years ago who is both human and spirit based. His only mission for becoming a human was to relieve humans, (that's me and you), of the internal burden and the stress that doing wrong things creates in our beings.
His means for doing this was to live a human's life. He ate. He slept. He made friends. He had enemies. He started out as a baby. He lived to be an adult. He grew up in a family. He worked. He interacted with others. He talked about God's love and forgiveness until the end of his life, when he was murdered by Jews and the Romans of the day,. (Not the Jews of this day).
This is a historical event. Only he really understood that by killing him, they unleashed the love and the power he had, because as they killed him his love for humans took on all the evil of the world - ever - and took it away, now and forever.
That is a Christian belief. And, as he takes away all that evil, he did what no religious leader has ever done. He took away all of the sin and the evil in the world, but he also then became alive again. Yes. For real.  Alive... dead... alive. And, in doing that, he wanted to show us humans that when the evil has gone out of our lives by His forgiveness, we too become energized, and it feels like we're alive again.
I know this feeling. And, that's why we celebrate Easter is because when we interact with the good things that we talk about in the acronym, if we add this spiritual piece to it, it really does energize us and help us be alive again. I want, for you, a fuller, more satisfying life by practicing the E.A.S.T.E.R. acronym. 

If you want to do a deeper dive into living those Easter ideas well, then invite Jesus to be a part of your daily life. If you want to know more about what I mean by those things, then email me at s[email protected] or direct message me via my Facebook pages. I will share ideas and knowledge, so you can make your own best decision with just good information... not preachy, just informational.
You see, I want your family and you to be the best you can be. We're recovering from 2020. There's still some mess in 2021. And so, living well, achieving our dreams and our desires, using really good necessary skills, and applying those skills in ways that are good for us and good for others. It really does create delightfully good relationships.
Thank you for joining me today.
As you know, there's always a printable ready for you, so you can use these ideas. You can share them with others. You can help your kids understand things a little bit more. You can talk it over with your spouse. So, grab that principle and have a great day.
Thank you for joining. Bye, bye.