Transcript: Adjusting to a Newborn

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

So today's show, we are going to talk a little bit more about the D.N.A. process. We've been talking a lot about marriages lately. And, what I wanted to do was say, "Okay. Let's pay attention to those kiddos." So we're just going to talk a little bit about one of your hopes and dreams. If you're listening to Us and Kids you probably had a desire to have a family. And, that's part of what that D is in the D.N.A. is: what are your DREAMS?; What are your DESIRES?; and helping understand what they are, so you can make plans on helping them come true. 

One of those dreams or desires could well be to have a family, and so now you have a new baby arriving. This will make your family a family of five with three kiddos under the age of five. So you've gained some of the Necessary skills already. You've defined some of your Desires. One of those was to have a family. That's on its way, developing nicely.
But then, we have to use the N, the necessary skills, to make sure those dreams and desires continue to come true. And, you've been practicing some of those. You've learned them already, because you already know the basic skills. How to change a diaper. What to do with newborns belly buttons. What about nursing and bottles: finding the right ones, cleaning them; figuring out formula and milk storage processes. You have figured out how to dress a tiny little one. How to give them a bath without drowning them or freezing them. And, you know something about tiredness, and the need for easy meals, an easy meal prep and cleanup, and snacks for kids. Hopefully, you also know how to interact with your kids in a gentle sort of way, even when the “tired” for everyone is significant. 

And today, we're going to focus on what happens to those two little ones you have in your house, not your newborn, but the other two. We're going to help you figure out how to apply the A in the D.N.A. process. How to Apply those Necessary skills in a way that calms and connects with your older two: your two-year-old and your four-year-old. This is a big adjustment. Their brains are not very well set up for this kind of adjustment, so you are going to help them. And, you can be like, "Oh no, no... we have a newborn. That's all we can put our energy into." And, I'm going to remind you, do some of this work with your four-year-old and your two-year-old. Breathe in and breathe out, because it helps in the long run. These two have to continue their development process as well. 

We consider birth and adding a new child into the family a trauma for every one there. And, traumas, if we don't work our way through them, tend to make us stuck emotionally in the place where the trauma is. Well, I can assure you and I think you would agree - You don't want your four-year-old to stay four, and you don't want your two-year-old to stay two. So that means that there has to be some intentional parenting with this four and this two-year-old as well.
Let's hang in there together. This doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be in process. 

There has to be some intention to it, because one of the best ways to create good adjustment is to plan ahead. What rules are you going to have for your two and your four-year-old about the baby: about carrying the baby; or touching the baby; or playing or holding with the baby?
And, what rules do you have now that you might bend? You could keep them, but you might bend them. Like, right now, maybe your kids are bringing their plates, if they're not too full of leftovers, from the table to the counter, or the bottom of the dishwasher where the drawer is shoved in, but that way they can just lay it right on the opening of the dishwasher. Will that rule of carrying their dishes to the sink stay? Or, does it have flex in it? What about bath time? Is it every night right now? Are you going to keep that, or are you going to switch it up? Are you going to do daytime baths? Or, are you going to decide that if they played in a bathtub for a while just to distract them and just to contain them in a space,does that count as a bath? How are you going to take care of that bath time rule? 

What about the roles between the two of you?
Who gets up with the other two, and who handles the baby awake night times?
Who makes coffee? Who brings coffee upstairs?
Who makes lunches?
Who packs the oldest twos' travel bags?
Who makes sure there's gas in the car, or pays the bills, or moves the laundry around?
I don't want to overwhelm you, but I want you to remember that one of the ways to lower the overwhelm is by thinking and talking about these situations.
You know other situations, and you know the ones that are sticky or tricky. Talk about them and make at least a suggestive plan. Something that you can try.
I'm talking about this to you as the adult and the parents, because the kids are going to follow you. And, the more chaotic you feel or act, the more chaotic your kids are going to feel. The more planned out you are and the more on the same page you are, the better your kids will adjust. If you are safe and secure, (not totally you have a newborn in the house, right?!), but where you are safe and secure and somewhat calm, your kids will follow. 

You can hear in this I'm using some of those Necessary skills. We're trying to stay connected. We're thinking clearly, and we're listening to each other spouse to spouse, partner to partner. "What are you saying?" "Is this what you're suggesting we try?" And, "how many rules do we bend before we bent them all in our houses all upside down? We don't know the rules." You're going to listen carefully. Speak clearly. Come to an agreement, and write it down. Those are Necessary skills. 

Now, let's talk for a minute about your four-year-old. Oh yes. She's cute. She's rambunctious. She's very, very kind. Her name is Mandy. We know that Mandy, at this stage in her development, is growing in self-control, because her brain is connecting the emotional pieces with the logic pieces and segments of her brain. So now, they can work at the same time. They can communicate with each other, not perfectly, but certainly somewhat doable unless she's too tired, too scared, too worried, too lonely, or too hungry. Those are things you're going to ask and wonder about when she's off the wall,. Before you go off the wall with her, you're going to check yourself too. Am I too lonely? Am I too tired? Am I too scared? Am I too worried? Am I too hungry? Take care of those before you become off the wall with Mandy. And, if she's off the wall, answer those questions with her. 

he is excited to have her new baby brother. At least, she thinks she is. But brother now has been home for a month, and Mandy has turned into naughty, non-cooperative. What happened to her? She's mouthy. She cries loud, quickly, and a lot. It seems like it's just to get away; or to make the family late; or to just disrupt something for the sake of making a mess. And, whatever is supposed to be done, she doesn't want to do it, even the things she likes to do. And, playing... doing some things by yourself... whoa, oh goodness no! She has to have mom or dad by her side. 

You might know a Mandy. And, it might not be Mandy, it might be Mike, but you know, these kiddos are looking to have and keep the connections with you. And, they can feel that somebody else (baby!) entered the room is taking up a lot of lap space and arm time. And, so the arm that used to come around her and snuggle her now isn't. So, the first thing you're going to do- moms and dads - is you're going to remember that it's important to touch her, to have eye contact with Mandy, to smile at her. Don't always have that baby in your arms or even in wrap. Sometimes return to what Mandy knows... you and her, arms around, just next to each other. It's important. 

(You) can't quite figure it out. Mandy is getting up again and again. It's not even 11 o'clock. The girl's been asleep, but she wakes up. And, then it's another 20 or 30 minutes where you stand around waiting for her to go to sleep. And, you could be harsh, but you don't really want her to cry. You don't really want her to scream, because then she wakes up her two-year-old sister. "Ahhhhh!!!"
Okay, the first approach is to use that skill, that necessary skill, of being connected. So, I am going to say, right now in the nighttime, spend more time: touching; scratching her back; sitting near her; holding her hand. Remember that our skin, her skin, absorbs so many good messages about safety and about togetherness and "I'm there for you." When touch is kind, and soft, and gentle kiddos calm down.
So linking a pinkie for a minute, touching her cheek, or her shoulder, or her hair can just help all those unspoken, unknown fears about being rejected, or less than, or not loved. It can help those fears calm down. As her fears calm down, her cooperation and ability to rest and go to deep sleep will also develop.  During the day, you can also work these connections skills by touching her, by looking her in the eye, by smiling right at her and with her eye to eye, sometimes with baby brother in your arms, and sometimes not. Remember she knows you and her, not you, her, and brother. So sometimes, give her what she knows, so that she can sink back into "that is still true too."
And, of course, compliment her. Affirm her. It's in these compliments, in these kind of touches, that she will begin to believe you that you are there. You love her as much as you love her brother, and she will begin to reset. Some of this will make logic sense to her brain, and so her emotions will be able to calm down. You have to give her some of both. "Mommy's here." "Mommy's not going anywhere." "Daddy still wants to read you stories, your favorite stories. Brother doesn't want those stories. You do. Let's you and me read stories." And, read them together, okay? If it's daddy that usually helps her ride your bike  - do that for a while." Make sure you're still doing that. Those things, when you do these skills, of compliment, affirmation, touch that she will help her brain to grow together, so that her emotions and her logic can talk to each other and reset. 

So, bedtime seems a little better, but she is belligerent. Our kiddos feel safe when there are boundaries and rules. Not stern ones. Not harsh ones, but just good ones. And, you had some of those before baby arrived. It's wise, where you can, to keep those boundaries. They might need a little more flex in them. So, letting Mandy talk back, or hit or throw things, are things that you would want to redirect and reset rather quickly... not harshly, just quickly.
So before baby brother’s arrival, when Mandy would scream, "I don't want to!!!" One of you, the more calm one of you, (or the moment you took to become calm), one of you quite smoothly and quickly responded with the expectation that she brushed her teeth, and then, offered the consequence. No stories if teeth are brushed by the time the timer goes off. Or, a star for your new toothbrush when she does it well. And, you let her choose.
But now, she is screaming, "I still want to!!!" And, the calmer of the two of you, or the calmer you, know she's not really trying to be naughty. She is trying to connect.
Here’s what you do. Keep the rules, and the rewards, and add the connection, the physical connection point for the time being. And, be okay with getting the toothbrush in her mouth. Worry less, for a time, about how sparkly clean each tooth is, because she's really asking about is she important and is she safe? And, as you answer those questions, she will reset. Not instantly, but with ups and downs over the next few months. You have used the necessary skills of getting her connected. The connection, when she feels safe with you, helps your brain grow in confidence and security and courage. You have used your Necessary skill of emotional control and listening accurately to her, not just her words, but her emotional hunger and speaking clearly what you expect. 

So now, let's do your one and a half year old or your two-year-old. (She has) much less language, and so there's less emotional logic in their brain. This is Sarah, and she has been moving since she was conceived. And, boy does she seem to be able to make a mess and a bigger, faster mess now. You say, "No." She goes faster. You discipline. She rebels. She becomes more intense. Now her brain is a little different than her older sister’s, so from a parenting angle, she is more challenging sometimes to manage because her brain, not her intentions, is not as put together. 

Dan Siegel in his Whole-Brain Child book talks about her brain being like an open hand, and the emotions are in the core of her brain which would be, in his example, in the palm of your hand. These emotions came with her - ready to go. Just watch your newborn, and you will agree. Their emotions came with them, but her fingers, the logic segments of her brain, are floating around like one of those advertising blow up things that wave around with the wind.( They're tall and skinny, and they blow in the wind wobbly and goosey and funny looking, not really connecting to anything.) And, that's the logic part of her brain, it's not connected to the emotional part. It doesn't get connected until she's between three, four, and five-years-old. This doesn't mean you don't talk calmly to her. You will, and you do.
You're going to teach her logic and talk logic to her. She's just not going to get it all the time. That's all good, except for she's two, and you have a newborn. And, she has to understand that you cannot carry a baby around the house by the arm. So, this takes some emotional and mental planning on your part, because the best parenting here is usually to have some rules, expectations, to have rewards, and to have distractions, more than the harshness or yelling.
So you see Sarah poke her brother's eye, and you can run over there and slap her.
Oh, please don't.
You can run over there and get right within an inch of your faces and scream at her.
That's not your wisest either.
Or, you can come quickly to Sarah's side and quickly grab her and hug her. Not mean.
This is a loving hug and say to Sarah while you spin her around, "You are checking out your brother, aren't you?
Does he have two eyes?"
And, now that I've got snuggled right close to me, meaning she knows she's connected to me, I'm going to now be able to bend down by brother. And, we can look at his eyes, and then, we can look at my eyes.
And then, we can get a dolly, and we can see once, "It's okay to poke a dolly's eye but not a mommy's eye and not your brother's eye."
And, what I've just done is, first of all, emotionally said, "You're with me and you're safe." And then, I helped her do the exploring. She wanted to explore.
So, in this I use the Necessary skill of connecting. I used my necessary skill of emotional control. I used my skill of watching and knowing. 
(And,) listening.... "What's she doing?" I'm listening to her whole body, not just her words. I'm gonna pay attention to her words too. And then, I'm going to speak clearly and kindly.
I'm going to help her explore, so that it's safe.
We need lots of things to distract our two-year-olds. We can't always be there to grab them. But we can often have something that's on the floor that if we're nursing, we can kick the ball down there and say, "Go find the ball."
They're so easily distracted here, and it's so wise to distract more than discipline. 

This is challenging work. I want to encourage you to do it with your spouse, and I want to encourage you to do it kindly.
This is a process. It takes three to six months. Each day, bit by bit, you'll see things change a little bit, get better. And, you'll see that you had to readjust. Keep on doing it. It's tiring work. If done well, in six months, you will begin to see yourself come nicely out of the woods and be nicely connected. 

If you want to know more about how to build these Necessary skills, so that those Dreams and Desires of yours can really grow and the D.N.A.,: the uniqueness of your family can shine, then be sure to look on the Us and Kids website.
There is a new start up for the D.N.A. For Fun Communications Program coming soon. And, you can sign up there.
Or, you can email me at support@usandkids and let me know that you want to be in on the ground floor.
Looking forward to talking with you again next week.
Of course, there's always a printable here for you! It will help you remember what to do.
Alright, cheering for each one of you.
Talk to you later. Bye, bye.