Transcript: Necessary Core Strengths - Part 2

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

So, I'm glad you've joined us today for this episode, because today we are talking about the last three of the eight core, or necessary pieces, that we know makes the D.N.A. in our marriage and our family life really strong and healthy. You and I both know our marriages are very unique. And, even how our marriage was five years ago, and how it is now can be very different and look very different.

The D.N.A. of our marriage -  that outer structure - stays somewhat consistent, because it has our values in it. And, those can shift some. Certainly they can shift some when we change a job, and they can shift some when we have kids. It's important that we know how to keep those values together. Not every marriage or every person in the marriage has the same values. But, learning how to value what our spouse values, while our spouse learns how to value what we value, really ties the relationship nicely together, much like DNA is woven together.
In regular DNA, there are several components that the strands that go between the two outer rods. The values are the outer rods of the D.N.A. and the core values, the Necessary skills that we talked about last week, and we're going to talk about today are what holds the structure in place, so that it stays healthy, and it then builds healthy relationships out of it. 

So last week, in brief review, we had talked about the first five necessary core skills to keeping relationships strong. We noted that it doesn't matter what age this relationship is. It doesn't matter if you've known this little one for three and a half minutes or for 35 years. These core skills are important in building and maintaining relationships. They are Necessary, not optional. The stronger they are, the stronger the marriage and the family structure is. 

 So, last week we had talked about five of them. I'm going to run through them rather quickly, as a review. If you have a moment, take some notes and jot these down or go to last week's podcast and grab that printable, so that you have these in front of you. The three that we're going to expand on today are going to build on the five that we talked on last week.
What are the five from last week? Here it is. First one: CONNECTIONS MATTER. This hormonal release is important in building the courage to bond. And, what are those hormones? Some of them are dopamine, and serotonin, and norepinephrine. They build calm; they build courage; they build interest and energy that helps us make it often through tough times. But also, helps us stay connected even when there isn't much to say. Not necessarily because it's been ugly day, but sometimes just because we're tired, which is possible if you're parenting. And, I'm not parenting anymore, I still get tired. Sometimes, just sitting on the couch by my husband is really calming to me. We're not talking, but we're connecting. Other things that build those connections are kindness, protection, sacrifice, generosity.
And, in those connections, we become more aware that the emotional self that we bring to the relationship. The emotions we bring into relationship matter. They impact how the relationship develops. And so, learning how to know your emotional self and how to  MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF is important in terms of being able to build steady connections. It’s also important in terms of being able to build honest and good conversation, which is really helpful when it comes to problem solving, or when it comes to being stuck in a rut about something.
Being able to stay emotionally steady, while also connecting with your spouse in those connections that matter, helps to build the platform for the third one which is BEING ABLE TO LISTEN. Not just to the words, but knowing and hearing the meaning behind those words. Not your meaning, but understanding the meaning of the speaker.
That builds empathy and understanding, so that when you SPEAK, (core necessary skill number four), your words are wise. They are compassionate. Your words match your tone, and your eyes, and your body, so that your nonverbals... 85% of that communication is nonverbal... matches those few words that you have to say. So, that you are now connected with compassion, with generosity, with interest, sometimes I hope often enough, with joy or with giggles.
And then, you can pull all of those together and remembering that TOUCH REALLY HELPS all of this. Not cruel touch. If you grab your kiddo by the arm and yank them off to the bathroom, I think you're gonna mess up the ability of that kiddo to listen to you and respond well. Now, they might cooperate it out of fear, but they won't be able to do it very repetitively, because you scared them. The same would be true if you did that to your spouse. The touch that matters in building core skills and really building connection is the touch that is kind. That is meant to reassure. That is meant to say, "I'm in it with you." 

 So, let's say you have all five of these Necessary skills working at, oh, a B+ to an A- range. So not perfect, because living is messy, but working at it and somewhat aware of it. And now, we're going to look at some upgrades. These are added actions and attitudes that just add a little extra bounce and power and make it so that when there are bumps in the road of life, you have the stamina to make it through.
The first one is KNOWING HOW TO HONOR, PROTECT, AND EQUIP THE OTHER PERSON OR PERSONS. Yes, this includes little ones. 

 Let's do a few just quick definitions. To honor someone is to hold them in high esteem. (It) is to say and to live into the reality that I value you as a person, as a partner in my life, as a member of this family, you are important to how we function. And, you show them that honor:
by putting them first;
by helping them;
by giving them small gifts;
by supporting them; and sometimes, that is just
by listening accurately and using empathy.
Honor is also shown by speaking well have them in public. 

 Flip it over and consider what is dishonor:
When we are disruptive to our spouse.
When we talk about our disappointment of them in public. So, when you say to your girlfriends or to your buddies, "You know what she did?" And then, you tell on them in public. And, there your spouse stands. What are they supposed to do? That's not honor.
And you've dropped the honor ball, as well as, dropping the protection ball. Because protection is being truthful and kind. 

So the other day, I sent out a text that wasn't my best choice of words. Of course, it was a group text and my husband was on it. And, he sent out another text that was much better than mine. And, we talked about it as supper for a minute, and then,
I said, "Yeah that probably wasn't my best self.
And, he said, "No. That's why I did the follow up text." 
I wasn't very truthful or kind. Now, I'm not very good at being really, really, mean or snarky, so often, it's me that feels shame more than how other people receive it. But, in my own mind and heart, I know I'm not in the right. And, I didn't protect the relationship, or even that whole conversation, very well. 

 See, when we protect someone, we believe in them. We are looking at helping them out and building them up. We are looking for the best in them, and nurturing or encouraging the best to come out. That's what protection is.
And, we do it with our little ones by saying, "You can do it," or, "I'm so proud of you" when they have done something, and it's not perfect, but it's there.
And, they did get that silverware on the table. It's all over the table, but they did it.
They did get their shoes on, but they're on the wrong feet. But, they did it.
They did brush their teeth. Well, you know, they stuck the toothbrush in their mouth. And, instead of saying, "No, no, no. That's no good." You would be able to say, "Oh, that's really good. You got your whole toothbrush in your mouth."
And then, we're gonna move on to that third part. We're honoring them, holding them esteem. They're important, even their teeth. And, we're going to protect them by saying, "You got that whole toothbrush in your mouth."
And now, we're going to equip them by either getting another tooth brushing and brushing around a little bit, or helping them wiggle their little hand around those little teeth. We're going to teach: with kindness; with affirmation; with lots of encouragement; and "you can do it."

This goes for doing something with our spouse: learning how to cook together; learning how to change a tire together; or do the yard; or whatever. That we do it with protection and with honor, because when we use honor, protection, and equipping: in how we speak; and in how we listen; and how we manage our own selves, we tighten those connections, so that they are strong, and they are close. 

 And, that's important for this next step of being able to give the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. The benefit of the doubt is just that. You have some doubt about whether or not that whole story is true. But, you also know that their intention behind that story is good. And, you'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of saying, "Aw, aw, aw.. it was seven and a half minutes, and then that happened!" And, you pull out a little detail and pointed out to everybody. Whoops. You've just dishonored and not protected. Better choice would have been to be gracious enough to give the benefit of the doubt. Does it matter if it's seven and a half minutes or 10 in the long run? Probably not. And, even if there was a space there where the information is inaccurate, you would give the benefit of the doubt by saying quietly and protectively, "I think it was 10 minutes more than seven and a half."
You see, with benefit of the doubt, you are offering trust. And, as you offer trust, (a core piece in the D.N.A. of the relationship, the values in relationship),  it  helps others behave in trustworthy and truthful ways. And then, you can have really strong connections, because you know exactly what you're connecting to. There's no deceit in it. 

When we give this benefit of the doubt, we encourage others to stay close to us. We are safe, and we are gracious. We give room for people to have mistakes. When I was talking about that text, my husband gave me some room to own it myself. But, he also was kind enough to just be able to say, "It's okay." He didn't broadcast it to the world. He didn't berate me in any way, he simply said, "Yep." And, I said, "Thank you for having my back," because he's stepped in and just did a little more protection. But, he didn't say, "You're always that bad," or, "What's the matter with you?" or, "You are so strange." No name calling here. Just kindness.
That kept us connected. I trusted his words. He listened to me as I said it wasn’t  my best self, and together, because we were eating dinner, he put his arm around me and just said, "It's okay." We reconnected, and instead of me sinking in shame, I took it as a learning point, and as a "pay attention to your emotional self Jan and manage it." I'm working on it. You can hear me thinking about it with you?:)Thank you for joining in. 

 Our last one that we need to pay attention to here is TURNING TOWARDS.  This is turning towards versus turning away.  I want you to think of it with your kiddos or with your spouse of being face to face with each other, like sort of square. Face to face. That is turning towards. Turning away is doing that exact turn, so that your backs are to each other. And, you can't see what's going on, so you can't be helpful.
Now often, in an intense conversation, we want to turn inwards, because we have tried to manage our own emotional self. And, because we don't feel like the other person is necessarily really protecting us. They don't have our back. And so, we had to gather our stuff together, whatever emotions, and emotional ammo, and verbal ammo, that we have. We have to gather that up, so that we can turn around at them and go bang, bang, bang bang, and get them back. Well, that will create a relationship mess, at any age. 

Turning towards is saying, "I don't need any ammo. I can control my own emotional self, because I would rather stay connected to you than win. My relationship with you is more valuable than my desire to be right." That's right.
Turning towards says, "I'm in it with you, because now I can see you. And, I can help you, and you can help me." We do that by staying connected, so that we can share what we're experiencing, and what we see coming at us. And that then, we could also hear each other carefully, and accurately, and be able to respond with empathy or with good information that adds honor and protection.
It gives grace when we have to have some benefit of the doubt. And it says, "I'm here for you." You see, my husband is here for me: my protector; my supporter, my best cheerleader, therefore I can be all in on being there for him: his protector; his best cheerleader; his best supporter. We've turned towards each other, even under tension, and we know that we are going to stay together.
We're using all of those other necessary core skills in order to do it. And it's going to keep our D.N.A. strong. The values that our relationship is built on are staying together, because we are staying together: using our self control; using our connections; our listening skills; our speaking skills; and our time to touch and reassure each other. 

 Relationship building, you're right, is a lot of work. It is! It is also a lot of fun? If you've played any sport, or practiced any musical instrument, or learned any new skill you’ll remember that it was a lot of work, at first. But along with it, now there's enjoyment, and there's balance, and there's energy now because you don't have to concentrate so hard at it. It comes more naturally.

My husband and I have been together 45 years, married for 42. This hasn't all been roses, folks. We have worked at it. Seasons of tension. Seasons of joy. Bumps and bruises, and looking and learning how to turn towards each other and stay with it. Believing and living into, "I am for you."

I encourage you... help your kiddos to hear these messages, to help your spouse to hear these messages. Live them truthfully. Live them with courage.
And, if you're thinking, "Whoo, we need a little upgrade on this. I'm not sure we can do this all by ourselves, Jan. It's overwhelming." I'll agree with you. I've thrown a lot at you in a few minutes here.
The DNA For Fun Communications Program is going to be ready again for new participants in the next three to six weeks. So, grab the printable, so that I have your email, and that way, you'll be sure to be able to get on the first run of goodies and extra offerings. I'm proud of each one of you.
Keep listening to the podcast. You and your family are worth it, and, for goodness sakes, the podcasts are free. Why not get some free professional encouragement? It's good for you!
Thank you for joining me, and I look forward to catching up with you again next week.
We're gonna finish this D.N.A. conversation by talking about how to Apply it well.
I Iook forward to talking with you then. Bye, bye.