Transcript: Necessary Core Strengths

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

I'm glad you've joined us today for this episode about the core pieces in D.N.A. that's in your marriage. As you know from our last conversation last week, each marriage is unique, just like our personal DNA is unique to us. And yet, like our personal DNA, we also borrow or copy from others many ways of being and doing. Last week, we looked at the values that we bring into our relationships, and how those values build up the basic structure of our relationships with our kids or even with our spouses. 

So today, we're going to look a little bit more at the particulars that hold this structure together. This structure and the particulars we're going to talk about are important for your marriage and for any age kiddo that is sitting next to you. So, this applies all the way around. (It) has lots and lots of application. So, it's really worth hanging in here and listening in. I'm sure you can find something that you can say, "This is my next step." 

So like I said, there are eight particular structures that we're going to look at. The first five we're going to look at today. And, the next three we're going to look at next week. All eight together is a little overwhelming. These first five build the strength within our marriage structure. The next three build on those first five to add complexity and nuance that makes it so that we can manage any situation that comes our way. So if you can take notes, do it. If not, be sure to grab the printables, because they're going to help you in your everyday life (to) upgrade your marriage and upgrade your parenting. It's good for you, and it's good for your family.
And, I'm sure you're dying to know, right? What are those five? Get with it, Jan. So, here we go. 

The first one, somewhat in order of importance, because if we don't have the first one: CONNECTIONS THAT MATTER, the other ones fall rather flat. And then you'll say, "None of this makes any sense, Jan." So, connections... connecting is a process, both of action, of verbal and physical interaction, and of hormonal release. So, let's start from that last sentence.
Connections happen on the physiological level, when hormones of dopamine, and norepinephrine, and other ones start to turn on. And, we look at someone... and we like the sound of their voice; and we like the way they look; and we like the way they feel, if we're holding hands, or sitting next to them. There's a "like" in there that gives us a little more courage to be a little more vulnerable. There's a sense of trust that happens with that hormone release. Now sometimes, it gushes out like crazy, and other times it just slowly turns on over time. You may say, "Yes, I don't know? We were just friends. And probably, friends for five years before the oooh... I think I liked you more than a friend thing turned on." Some connections take a while to build and to develop. Some develop quickly and with more rapid intensity. And, all of that is fine. 

Hormone release also happens when we have babies. It's supposed to. They're supposed to be a lot of transition of, "Oooooh, wow. What is this?": an amazement at the gift of birth; an amazement that that used to be in my belly; and amazement that you all of a sudden have so many feelings of protection, and of care, and of wonder  looking at this new, new, new little one. I hope to hold a new little one in the next week or so. Not mine, but a new grandbaby. And, I know that I'm, sort of, looking forward to that hormone release, when: I first get to hold her; and snuggle with her; and smell her baby's skin; see her little tiny fingers. And then, I'll have another hormone release of love, and of joy, and of pride in my daughter, and my son-in-law, and their two kiddos, as I watch them fall in love with their little baby sister. (News flash:  Momma, baby girl and family are doing great!)

Hormone release for connections is important. And, hormone release doesn't just stay just because we have hormones. It has to be continually nurtured. And, we can help this by being kind with each other. This helps to build those connections in the long run. That "crazy in love thing" that I felt with my husband, what 41 or 42 years ago, maybe even longer... 45 (years ago) when we started dating is still around. Every now and then, it’s important that those hormones turn on again. And, it turns on by playfulness, by kindness, by protective sacrifice.
So, a little while ago, my husband and I went on a week vacation to someplace warm. And, one of the reasons why we do that is because it cuts us off from almost everything else, and we play. Our play has a bit of adventure on it. Almost always, our play is on water. And, almost always, our play involves what is the wind going to do. But, we have to work together as a team in order for that playfulness to really work. And, when things aren't going quite as smoothly as what we would like, we have to remember to be kind to each other. When we sense that there is something, sort of, like, not quite right... There's a line that's not quite right, and we haven't finished that detail yet. Then, there's a protected piece that says, "Well, hold up, or backup, or wait a minute." And, sometimes the voice is loud because the instruction is protective. And, because we've agreed that we have to stay connected in order to be safe, and safe helps our play be more fun. So, we worked those playfulness places. And, we work the connections. 

Now, we're home and back to the day to day life. But all the same, we watch that hormone release. And, we'll work on it as we sit next to each other on the couch almost every night (for) 20 or 30 minutes with usually stupid, worthless TV and calmness between us.  We add a little bit of conversation about the pleasantness of the day, and encourage each other what for whatever the bumps were. Those connections, through kind words and kind actions, matter for the rest of what happens in our relationship DNA. 

The second necessary core skill that matters here is BEING ABLE TO MANAGE THE EMOTIONAL ME. That's right. In order for a relationship to work well, we have to know how to take care of our own stuff. And, not by passing it off on everybody else. So, I was anxious, but what that really meant was that, then I made everybody else crazy. And, now I feel better, but they're all distressed. That is NOT managing the emotional me. If I'm anxious about something, I'm best off owning it and just being able to say, "I'm really worried about that."
I said to my husband the other day, I said, "I must be a little off on something. I've sent three or four, sort of, “off the mark” texts to people. (This is) not my usual self." And, my note in my head was, I haven't managed my emotional self very well. And, I better take a few minutes for me in: prayer; some meditation; and self reflection; maybe some journaling to figure out what's going on inside of me.
So, we notice our anxiety or depression, and then we take care of it. And then, we use truthful kindness. When part of our emotional me is distressed, because of something that someone else has done, we use truth for kindness. Not rude, blunt  kindness, but truth when we're trying to not break the DNA chain. We're trying to keep it strong. Being truthful keeps the connection together by being kind. Sharing our emotional self helps us stay together and stay connected so we can move forward together. 

There are lots of other ways to manage the emotional me. There are lots and lots of other emotions other than the few I have talked about. You know what yours are, and I'm going to encourage you to continue to learn about them. The DNA For Fun Program For Communication is being offered again in about the next three to six weeks. And, that will really help expand this for you somthat you can really grow in this and get yourself under control. Of course, that will then also nicely enhance your relationships. 

For today, we're gonna move on to what's that third core skill. It's LEARNING TO LISTEN. Now, we all know we can hear, for the most part, right? But, listening means being present. It means that we have managed our emotional selves; and we have worked on staying connected, so that when we're listening, we're picking up on what the person is saying with their words but also with their tone, with their emotions. We are hearing their actual words and understanding the meaning behind those words. Not our meaning behind those words, but the speaker's meaning behind those words. Often, when we listen well, we begin to understand that what someone is talking about, (especially when they're under stress or pressure), is their fears and worries. It often doesn't come off that way. But, when we can then, in listening, understand you're scared. Then, we can become softer in our hearts; listen to our emotional me; settle ourselves down to go, "oh, oh, hon it's okay." "Oh, I believe in you." And, as I say those things, I'm managing myself. I'm helping them manage themselves. And, I'm building those connections through my empathy.

Number four, we got to REMEMBER TO SPEAK WITH OUR EYES, WITH OUR TONE, WITH OUR BODY. Those are the three main places that speaking starts. You're going,  "Like really? Speaking is, like, with words." And, I'll say, "You betcha... all 15% of it, 15 percent of it." Because, our communication is about 85% non-verbal. And so, when you speak, if you want those words to matter, you have to line up the words. You have to consider if you could say that nicer. It's wisest if you line up your eyes, and your tone, and your body to match your words. So, if you say, "I love you," while you scream at them and while you slam the door,  they're probably not gonna believe you an awful lot. Because, the nonverbals, even: the sound of the tone; the look in your eyes; that slamming the doors doesn't really sell, "I love you," the same way as someone who is holding your hand; looking sweetly at you, and saying, "I love you." Same words, different experiences because of the non-verbals.

If you are the listener, and someone is speaking to you, you, as a listener, will probably retain about a third of what the listener is only going to remember a third of it. Think clearly. Manage your emotional self. Listen to each other carefully, so that your words matter. So that they can hear all of them. They're still going to pick up about a third of them, but you'll get a better chance of them hearing what you want them to hear if you matched up with your tone and with your eyes. 

As another, little thought that often we can use with speaking as well is the Principal of Five.  As  you choose our words, think, "Okay, how important is it that I share this with them? Will it matter in five minutes, or will appeal have long forgotten it? Then, maybe, I best just be quiet." "Will it matter in five hours, or five days, or five months or five years?" And, that then can help us determine how much to say. Because, sometimes we rile things up in the moment or in the hour. But, you know, in five days, you're, sort of sorry. Speaking takes self control to really choose what you're going to say. And, that means that you know how to listen carefully. And, you know how to keep your own self under control, so that you continue to connect with those that are listening. This is important both for you and your spouse, or your partner, but also for you as you talk to a little one at any age. 

And finally, the last one. It's not the least one. It's the most important one for these first five that really build the structure and the strength to our DNA. It is TOUCH That  MATTERS. The skin is our biggest organ, not like an organ that you play to sing with. But the organs in our body. Amazing, isn't it? And, it has little nerve endings all over it. You know this, because you're trying to tickle your little ones and they giggle, and you think it's cute. And, you give them zerbert or a big fat kiss, and they snuggle and they laugh. And, you love it when that little three-year-old runs up to you, wraps their arms and legs around you so glad to see you with a full body hug. You probably also love it when your spouse gives you one of those big bear hugs and just puts their cheek next to yours and whispers in your ear, "So good to see you." Because that touch sends so many good messages to our hearts into our minds.
Remember, we started out by saying connections matter. And, this wraps right around that circle because touch matters. Those touches turn on those hormones, which help us reconnect, and in reconnecting, it gives us the courage to take on life's daily grind, as well as life's ugly, ugly twists and turns. 

So, does it mean that you have to have bare skin all the time? No, I think, now and then, it's a good idea, but not all the time. Holding hands; arm around each other; sitting next to each other, legs touching every now and then a really nice; or big kiss. Okay?
For your little ones, use kind touch when you want to talk to them or just help them get ready for the night. When they're just distressed, and they've been crazy all day, sit down with them: having them right on your lap, so they can feel your heartbeat right through your chest; so that you can hold their hands. When you're trying to tell them something you mean sincerely, touch them. 
It calms people's hearts and minds at any age, from one-day-old to 100 years old. This touch sends messages through the hormone system and through the connection emotionally so that we know we are not alone. And, in not being alone, comes courage; and from that courage comes cooperation; and from that cooperation comes collaboration, creativity, and lots and lots of joy. 

So, let's just review them briefly.
We said connections matter: touching, looking kindness, sacrifice, protection. And, as we connect at any age, we also want to be sure that we know how to manage our emotional self, so that we don't tear apart those connections.
And, because you’ve spent time knowing about yourself, and knowing how to take good care of yourself, your emotions don't become nasty and naughty.
And that will help you learn more how to listen. Not just to the blah, blah, blah words, but also to the meaning behind those words. Not your meaning, but the meaning of the speaker.
And, in doing that, then when you reply back, you'll be able to speak accurately to them with good choice of words and good choice of approach so that your eyes, your tones, your body, and your word choice are able to be absorbed.
If you want to give all of that a little boost, use some touch: hold hands, sit by each other, use hugs.
Just take time to show people, the ones in your family, that they are important.
And, as you do, you will see that the values that you share, the structure of your relationship, that outer structure becomes stronger, and that the bumps of the day now are just a little bumps.
They're not: tip you over; oh dear, we need an ambulance; the whole household is on fire. They  are little bumps. And, we made it through the day, because we stay connected with kindness and with care. 

Our DNA For Fun Communication Program is being offered in the next three to six weeks. Pay attention to your email. Grab the printable. If I don't have your email, grab that printable, so that I'll have it. And, you'll be able to get in first on the specials that are being offered and you’ll also be sure that you can be a part of this program.
It will help you upgrade your marriage skills and your parenting skills with one eight week class (including) lots of professional support; lots of additions along with just good solid video teaching. I look forward to talking with you and meeting you in that program.
If you're not quite ready for this program, of course, grab this printable anyways! You, and your marriage, and your family are worth working on and right now you can take a simple step in one of these five Necessary core skills. 

I'm proud of you all.
I want to thank you for listening, and I look forward to connecting with you next week, while we finish this little conversation about the core skills that we need. We will cover three of them in our next podcast.
Take care.
We'll talk to you later.
Bye, bye.