Transcript: Best Marriage Ever!

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, with my own marriage and with my clients, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve that grand balance of being married forever, while parenting together. I know, you know, we know, this is not an easy task or easy work, but it is very rewarding. And, that's why I do this podcast is to help build marriages forever, while you parent together. 

Our podcast today is focused on building up the skills we need for helping our marriages and our families flourish, regardless of the messiness of life. And, we're getting closer to being able to open up our DNA For Fun Communication Program. So I wanted to talk a little bit more about that. Now, don't turn off your podcast just yet because, as always, I work to deliver really healthy, good content, regardless of where you are in your relationship spaces. And so, even if you say, "Nope, I'm not buying that." Then, don't worry. Stay tuned, because this is still helpful for you, regardless of where you are in wanting some support for your marriage and your family. 

Today, we're going to talk about D.N.A. Now, you know the letters as they go together, because you hear it in the news or in the medical field. Right? And, it's just about whether or not the parts and the pieces that are the code, within our bodies, that help our bodies run well, is set up well. We come with it. It's born with us. We get half of our DNA from mom and half of our DNA from our dad, and those two sets of codes are supposed to mesh together to make you - you. And, those codes then send out all sorts of information that help us decide: how to think; what our preferences are; what our bodies look like; sometimes, what our bodies feel like; how tall we are; what our voice sounds like; so many things. And, that DNA strand is important in the information that it gives to us. From that DNA, then environment and other things play a role in terms of how we actually develop over the years. But, we start with that core piece of DNA, and everyone's DNA is unique to them. Fascinating.
Here we are looking at DNA within your relationships, your marriage, and your family. Because, that too is always going to be unique, just to you. Therefore, we can't make a course or a program that is going to be one size, necessarily, fits all.We know that because we have two unique individuals coming together in marriage or partnership that then it is also going to create a new and unique relationship that's going to be bumped around by environment, by other things that happen in life. And, if they can hold their DNA together, their identity together, their relationship and their personal and mental and overall family health will stay strong. 

So, you've just heard it from me. Like you've never heard it before, right? DNA is what makes us unique, personally and relationally. And, in the DNA For Fun Communications Program, it's looking at what is your personal DNA, not the links, not the science medical part of it, but what are your values. What do you DESIRE. It's the first part in this program is taking a look at what do you desire for your relationships? And, knowing those helps you then achieve them or adjust them. 

The N in DNA will stand for NECESSARY SKILLS. There are eight core relationship skills that help hold everyone steady, when they're developed and grown and used well. We start building them when we're young, and we often copy what is happening by our parents, or our caregivers, or the others that are close to us. These skills, the necessary skills are as necessary as: learning how to walk; or how to talk; or learning to eat; or catch a ball; or drive a car; or read; or write; or do math. 

We're going to talk more about those eight core relationship skills next week, because today we're going to focus on the D, the DEFINING YOUR DESIRES. But, let's finish it. Let’s get the D.N.A. strand finished. The D is for define your desires. The N is for building up your NECESSARY SKILLS. And, the A is for APPLYING THOSE SKILLS  ACCURATELY for any age or situation. Because, just like I would throw a ball differently to a three-year-old, than I would to a 13-year-old, than I would to an 83-year-old. We use our skills differently with different amounts of power and emphasis as our kids grow up. And so, if we can learn how to know what those necessary skills are, and then apply them appropriately for interaction with our spouse and, a bit differently, when we interact with our kiddos, it helps to make our family and marriage DNA strong and connected. So, like I said, today we're going to work on developing the D strand. And, we'll work on the N strand next week, and the A strand two weeks from now. 

Now, the D could stand for many things or attributes that make a relationship strong. There are a lot of D words that we could put with it. We made it DEFINE YOUR DESIRE. But, in that “Define your Desire” is often pieces of what you have dreamed about. Often in defining desire, there has to be determination. There has to be courage, or daring. And often, in defining our desires, we've realized that we are different. All of those things are part of what helps make a relationship strong. We know that if you define your desires, if you clarify them, it's much like learning to throw a ball or driving a car. Because, we know that if you look where you're throwing your ball it's probably going to go there. We want you to pay attention to the road, because where you're looking is where your car will go. And, what you're looking for, if you're clear about what you want in your relationship, what you desire, if those desires are clear, your chances of getting your relationship there are much, much higher. You see, when our desires are clear, then we can bring our actions, and our words, and our attitudes all in line to help us achieve our goals. 

I'm not a golfer, but I hear my friends who golf talk about needing all of the muscles to work together; and to line up well; and to release at just the right time, in order to, hit that silly little white ball and make it go flying through the air and land someplace actually near the pin. I can't do that, at least not with golf. But, it's that golf idea of, all of those muscles have to line up and release, in order to, make a little something fly. It's very true in our own marriages and relationships. Set your eye on the goal. And, now work and grow those muscles, so that they work together. Those muscles we'll talk more about in our next podcast about those necessary skills. Those are the muscles. 

First of all, be clear about where you want to go. And, that's what we're going to keep on developing here. How do you design your desire? Right? Well, what does that mean? Gonna start by just taking a little gander back into childhood. (There) might be some messy places in there. (There) might be some scary places. (You) don't have to stay there long, but pay a little bit of attention. Let your mind meander through there, while you're driving maybe. (Pay attention to the road. Remember your car's gonna go where you look.) 
In some spaces where you have a little bit of empty time, put down the your phone and think,
"What do I remember about childhood?
What did I like?
What didn't I like?"
If you think about how did you play?
Did you use cars, or trucks, or dolls?
And, how did those cars, or trucks, or dolls, or whatever, make friends? When you played with them, did they fight and make up?
Or, did you not really care about any of those things, and you prefered to be a builder. And, so you used Legos, or blocks, or almost anything you could, and you're always building towers.
Or, you were an arts and crafts kiddo. And, so you always were making a mess that your mother was groaning about, because the markers were out; and the ruler was out; and the paper cuts are everywhere; and you're always busy making and creating. 

Sometimes some of these ways of being, when you were a kiddo, can help you understand what your desires are now. If you remember playing with your dolls, and that they were fighting, and making up, and fighting, and making up. You might notice that there was a power structure in your play, that you might now have a desire for a peaceful household; or a well led household. You might notice that you like a clear power structure in your household  and knowing who's the boss. Sometimes these things can  come from the way that we played, and what we saw in the households around us. It doesn't make it good or bad. Just helps you become aware of what did I learn to value and and why.
Now, if you're an arts and crafts person, you might have a relationship that has some quirks in it. You might like the exciting part of always doing something new or creating something interesting. You might like the idea of every year you have a new challenge in your relationship. And, you love those things, because it forces the creativity that comes from being a builder or an arts and crafts person. Don't go too far with these scenarios that I am offering. These are ideas, and you'll have to know for your own self what values did you take from your childhood. 

In the next week or so, I'll put it on the printable as well. In the next week or so, you can start to make a list of your relationships, and what you enjoy in each relationship. You can go broadly and include: your guy friends and your girlfriends; as well as, your spouse and your partner and your kids; maybe, include your parents; or your siblings.
Just jot down what the relationship is, and what do you like about it.
And then, notice any common threads.
I'll have some values listed in the printable, as well, because that common thread will usually be about the values. Those values are principles or expectations, that usually focus around behavior... but not always. Values, or principles, or expectations are things that you want in your everyday life. Values are part of what holds us mentally and emotionally steady when they are a part of our life, and when they are wise for adulting. 

A little aside here is a value that might have been necessary in childhood, but might not be so great in adulthood. And, that value would be the value of lying as a kid for safety. That now that you're older and often those safety issues have diminished. And, your coping skills have gone up so that now, lying is not a good coping skill. Is not a good value, and truth telling would be the higher value. We have to be wise, right? Because, we would prefer the value of lying to be replaced with honesty and clear relationship behavioral boundaries. 

But, now I'm going back to just reminding you, I want you to just make a little list about what relationships do you have, and what do you like about them.
Other values, just to get your brain going here, might be: money; or security; or peace; or cleanliness; or timeliness; or intimacy; or playfulness; or independence; or cooperation. There are lots of them. I'm listing a few just to get your brain going. I know that two, maybe three, of my long term values have been: kindness; having options or choices; and money. 

I'm the third of six kids, and the youngest of the first three. So, I have two older sisters. And, from what I remember, we were born within three years of each other, a little bit less than three years. So, we were snuck right together there. And, from what I remember, we got along fine. I became more aware of the noise and the messes that come with kiddos, when the next three came along.
When my next sister (child number four) came along, I was now five. And, I had things that I valued, and things that I wanted to keep organized and in its place. They were things that I had put in special places for the last five years. And now, I have a little sister who's messing things up. As those kiddos, my younger siblings, grew and messed up my stuff, and they cried, and they fussed.
I figured out I don't like all this fighting. And so, I switched to trying to keep the peace. Instead of fighting with my siblings, I gave them whatever they, sort of, wanted. I tried to find a way to make everybody happy. I became quite responsible, even at my young age. I took care of my own stuff. I started doing helpful little things for mom, without even being told. I learned how to dust. I put things away. I kept the toys organized. It kept mom aware of me. That was important to me. I had been the youngest, and it kept some peace. 

In those five years, before the fourth, fifth, and sixth kiddo came along, my mom was quite sick. And so, I had been sent to my Aunt's house with my two older sisters. It was a fine place to be, except that, I was young. I was three and a half, maybe four, and I knew I wasn't at home. I didn't really know why. I think they tried to explain it to me, but I was three and a half. My sisters were with me, but because I was the youngest, they went to play with the older cousins, and I wasn't really included. So, I became bewildered and aware that I didn't have any options but to stay there. And, in my little three-year-old brain, I could figure this out. “You have to stay Jan. You don't have anywhere to go.” And, there I would stand. I have a few memories of that, just looking around wondering what to do. Well now I know, my mom’s situation was probably handled as well as it could have been done. But, I developed the value of wanting: options; choices; and input or influence, even at three. And so, one of my desires, when I was dating, was someone who respected and included me in decisions and thought processes. 

Now, go a bit farther down the road. I think I'm in middle school. A conversation with my mom came about. She was talking about switching me from my Christian school to a public school, because dad was starting a new business. And, they might not have the money for tuition. Well, I didn't know much about switching schools. I had never done it. So, I didn't really know what to say, except because I wanted to keep the peace, "I guess it will be okay."
I think that from that conversation, I grabbed on to another value. And, that was of financial security. Now, it's sort of funny as I look back on it now, because I did not recognize all of the financial adjustments my parents were making to afford the Christian ed tuition. My clothes were all made by Mom. I learned how to sew. Sale items were almost always the only items purchased. Making Christmas gifts were common. Eating out was very, very rare.
The conversation about switching schools was way outside of the norm for me. And, set me up for understanding the role of money in keeping my world peaceful, and kind, and steady. School choice didn't feel like an option. It felt like my Aunt's house. Just cooperate, because your input won't make much difference anyway. And from that, I built into myself a value that I wanted to have enough money to stay steady. 

You're right. These are values I live with yet today. You probably have stories too. If you wander through your childhood, a little bit, you'll see some things that weren't intended to be bad; weren't necessarily intended to turn for good, but they played into how you think today. I live with these values.
They're not bad, except for when I make them all about me. They were helpful in choosing who I dated, and who I'm married. And, they have helped me in my parenting choices. We know we weren't perfect. Some significant times we messed up, but we tried to keep our kids informed about changes in schedule and in other things. When we messed up, we felt pretty bad about it, because the value was there, and we had ignored it. 

We worked with our money diligently. We had goals in mind for the ability to travel to see my family in Michigan. We were in California. Airplane travel was reasonably new, and somewhat expensive, but about the only practical way to get from here to there. But, we also wanted to take some family vacations. And then eventually, we wanted to be debt free. (You're right. Those student loans were a thing for us for a long time too.)
We have had some very tight, tense seasons, where we had deposits racing to the bank to beat the check that had been sent out in the mail. We paid “this” this time, and we paid “that bill” next time. We worked our money diligently. Not always handling successful, but we worked at it, and we still do. We still hold monthly budget meetings and frequent investment conversations, because financial security is important to both of us. 

Okay, so that's a lot about me. But, really what I want you to catch on to here is that you probably have stories and experiences that have shaped your values, and thus desires, as well. And, we know that, as we define our desires, it helps us shape, helps us figure out where we want to go or end up.  

I just told most of my story, but I didn't tell much of my husband's. As we dated; and then, we got married; and we worked on marriage; and we worked on parenting together (we became parents within the first year being married) we had to work to compare those values. They influenced our desires and our vision for our marriage and family. His money security value was higher than mine, and his options or flexibility value was lower. He prefers knowing the plan, and usually sticking to it. I prefer a plan, sort of, with flexibility if something better comes up. So for us, defining our desires came out of conversations; sometimes tensions; sometimes conversations that lasted two or three weeks, because we had to figure out how to give and take on our personal values. We didn't throw the whole thing out. We just had to shave some rough edges off in order to create shared values that we honored. 

So, I'm going to invite you (to) now think about what you desire in your relationship. Put those desires down into some different categories: desires that you have for your spouse; for your work; for your kids; for your friends. Pay attention to those desires or values (we can switch those words around some) and just write a little note about how each value plays a role differently in those different relationships. 

Truth might be high with your spouse and your kids. But, kidding around with your old friends, who have sort of storytelling written into the fabric of these relationships, storytelling that stretches the edge of the truth. Well maybe, you say, "No, I'm not gonna call people out on that. We've been telling those kinds of stories since we were seven." Well, because you all know that's what's happening. The truth value in that relationship slides a little bit, so the fun value can rise. If it works, and everybody knows that's what's happening. And, nobody's offended, then you're all good. 

Now, talk with your spouse. Compare notes. Share this podcast and say, "Let's listen, and then, let's sit by the fire, or let's snuggle on the couch, and let's go through this for a little bit.
Talk about what you want to be like as a couple.
How do you want to improve by the end of this month?
We just finished Valentine's Day. If you were going to say, we could improve this. Do this kind of date more often.
Are you going to set something up by the end of the month, so that you have something ready for March?
What do you want your relationship to be like by the beginning of the summer, think Memorial Day, or by the end of 2021?
You see, as you write your values and your desires down, then next week, we'll talk about how to figure out what skills to use to get there. Because, it's possible to get there. 

Our new program DNA For Fun Communications Program is coming soon. And, in that, you will be able to work with me personally to improve your marriage while you also improve your parenting. It's one course made to upgrade each room in your house: the kids' bedroom; even your bedroom; whatever room needs attention. It has course videos. It has workbooks to go with the videos, and it has practice ideas to help you develop those skills uniquely for the two of you to make the DNA of your relationship strong and connected and function well. And then, of course, there's personal coaching conversations with me to make sure that you're applying things appropriately and getting over the bumps and the questions that still pop up that are just unique to you.
I look forward to getting to know you and help(ing) you build the best DNA of your marriage in your family. So that it can become more fun, fulfilling, unlimited, and naturally good.
I said at the beginning of the podcast this is partly to help you understand what the DNA For Fun Communications Program is about. The information we just gave you here, you can work on, and it can add strength and value to your marriage right now and through the year.
Thank you for joining me.
Stay tuned to this podcast, Facebook, and the website for opening day of our program.
Have a good day. Bye, bye.