Transcript: Shame, Responsibility and Honor

 Hi. Hey, welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. I share my ideas from my experiences in each one of those places, often all of them put all together. That's what has created this Us and Kids Podcast, because in my life journey, so far, I have realized that it takes a lot of energy and focus to stay married forever and to stay really well connected in that marriage, while we try to parent together. It's not an easy task. I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite app. Or, sign up for it through the website, so that you can always get the freebie, and it's right there available to you. Each week, we put out something that is about how to be married well, and how to parent well, so that you are learning these skills. And often, they are interchangeable. We just adjust them a little bit for whatever space you're in, or where your struggle is. 

 We also have a course called DNA For Fun Communications Course. And, it is a course that will help you with the core communication skills. Help you develop those, because those core communication skills... there are eight of them... help you build your relationships with your spouse, or your partner, as well as with your kiddos. The same core skills, and that's what's so important, but also what's so easy, because, we don't have to learn different skills. We just adjust them a little differently. And then, they work well, for most situations. So, that's a little bit about what's coming up down the road. Pay attention to the podcast or to the website for when that course is being available again. 

Let's get started. We're going to start by talking about yourself, because so much of our parenting and interactions in our marriage can come from a place of shame. And, that can be somewhat contagious. So, like often, we need to start with a definition. What is shame? Shame has been studied by several people. Probably one of the most prominent ones in this day and time are the studies done by Brene Brown. She would say that shame is our most powerful, master emotion. Meaning it has a lot of power, and it's a master over the other emotions. So, it becomes a bit of the boss. It is from Brene Brown's standpoint the fear that we're not good enough. It's not that our actions aren't good enough. That would be guilt. It's that we, as a core, as our person, as our being, is not good enough. It builds in a belief that says, "I am not a good enough mom." "I'll never be a good enough dad." "I'm not a good enough spouse." "I'm not a good person." And, that core belief is the master then out of where our other emotions come from. It's a belief that there's a core flaw to me and within me. It makes me inherently bad. And, if I'm inherently bad, then whatever I do is also not going to be good. 

Let’s think about this from the food standpoint by looking at an apple. His apple has a piece of it that was just, sort of, rotting out. I just did this with some apples that I had taken on a trip. And, I loved them. They were just some of the best apples I had had, but some of them had sat around a little bit. And, they were getting mushy, sort of, brown and squishy. And, somebody said, "You gotta throw away the whole apple." And I said, "I don't think so." And, so I took the apple to the sink, and I cut out the bad parts. They said, "The whole apple is bad, because there's a mushy part." I said, "Okay, that would be a shame... the mushy part is just in one place.” But they insisted that the whole apple was bad and wanted me to throw it all out.  I said, "No, there's a part of it that's bad. And, I can get rid of that, but the rest of the apple is gonna be delicious still." And, that's what I did with my apple. 

Now, we don't cut ourselves apart, but we do want to realize that there are places where we might say, "I'm not all that I want to be." "This doesn't have enough honor in it." Or, "I can do better." That's a transition in thought. From, "I'm no good," to "I could be better." And, those small transitions in the way we think, bring us to places where we can gain honor. It also gives us some strength in order to take responsibility.
Now my apple obviously has no emotions and no thoughts, so it can't really take responsibility. But, I could take some responsibility for how I treated my apple. It’s the same way I can take responsibility for how I treat myself. I didn't keep my apple in the refrigerator. I kept it in a warm place, and I could see that parts of it were becoming a little yucky. But, I still kept it there. And, I watched the yucky spaces grow. 

Sometimes that happens for us. We can see that we've done something that is not wonderful. That has some shame... some embarrassment... some "I wish I didn't," "I wish I wasn't." Instead of taking it out and taking care of it, which is what I should have done with my apple. Instead of that, we keep it hidden. And so, the shame grows like what happened to my apple. 

The option for me and the option for you is to take care of it sooner. When we hear in our own little heads and our hearts, "I'm not good enough." "No, I'll never be that..." Pause for a minute. The apple is never going to be in orange, but the apple can still be good. And, you may never be, I don't know, president of your baseball league. Or, you may never be the leader of some group that you're with. You could be a very honorable and integral part of the functioning of those things, because you do have good qualities. They just get buried underneath the shame. And so, moving the shame away happens as you begin to develop a stronger self belief that you bring value and strength into the relationships and the interactions that you have. Think of that for just a minute.

Okay, we'll switch to a little story here about a little, a parent, mom or a dad. And, we (as parents) might be believing in ourselves that we are not worthy to join. We don't have value. We should not be a part of the parenting arena of your family. And sometimes, then that leads to that next belief that what we do will hurt others, instead of help them. And so, this might be a parent who just finished feeding their little one. And, the little one is still crying. You're pretty sure the diaper is dry. That's okay. Nothing's poking them. They burped, but they just keep on crying. And, you're frustrated and exhausted. And, you don't know what to do. And so, you decide, well, maybe they just need to suck on something, and they've liked the bottle before. Maybe, you'll just give them a little bit of water in a bottle and see once what happens. But, in their crying, when we gave them that little bottle of water, they choked, and they gagged. It happens sometimes. But now, in your parent's head, you might begin to feel that you gave your child that water. You made that decision. And, shame on you, because it was a wrong decision. And now, my baby is gagging and coughing. And, my child is not going to be okay, because I'm a bad parent who gave my baby some water in a bottle. 

It's a little dramatic in some ways. But, you can hear how the negative builds on one to another, and it becomes a little bit over the top. Except for, that it sunk into your soul, in your being that you're a bad parent.
And, it drowned out the other truth.
That was, I was caring for my little one and trying to see once if this would be a way to calm them.
That was the compassion, and that's more true to the heart of you. And so, when you begin to say, "No, I wasn't being mean. I was trying to help. Clearly, my little one did not want water." On with the story...Now, from the gagging and the coughing, baby got the hiccups. From the hiccups, youI laid them on their belly. And, you walked them around, and bounced them until they started to reset. And then. all of a sudden, they went to sleep. Now, look at that. Are you a bad parent? Or, have you been a wonderful parent by persisting and trying to find ways to help your little one get past the crying and into a calmer place. 

See your little one is always going to be hungry for your love. As incomplete and imperfect as it is, that's what they're always going to be looking towards. And so, as you continue to find ways to accept yourself, to improve yourself, and to say, "The parts of me that aren't grand, I can get better." "The parts of me that are ugly and yucky, like the yucky parts of my apple, I can just not have in my life anymore."
Now, I know, “just” can be a four letter word, right? It's not always that easy to get rid of those things that we don't like, that are not good for us in our adult world. (They) may have been wonderful for us in our child world, but not good in our adult world. 

And, for that then we move into a space of taking responsibility and saying, "I learned as a kid how to lie. It kept me safe. As an adult, that's not my best skill. My spouse is not really a fan of that." And so, in order to not lie, I'm going to invite my spouse to often ask me, "Is there any more truth you want to tell me? Any part of that you would like to change?" You see, if she just says, or he just says, "Are you lying to me? I don't think all of that's true." Then, we're probably going to stick with lying. Those voices sound a whole lot like childhood, and that default back to childhood actions is going to be really strong. When our spouse, even if our own internal voice can go, "Tell it a little bit more truth. Make it a little more true. Tell the whole story. Be courageous. Own it and work with it." then we can step into confidence and courage to make the change and tell the truth.

From there, in taking that responsibility, we will find that our love for our spouse, for ourselves, and for our kiddos grows. The stronger the love bond, the stronger the connection. And thus, the greater the amount of cooperation and the greater amount of calm there will be in you. Now you have a circle of love that continues to build connections, cooperations, and calmness. And, there's joy and beautiful colors of emotions in that. Realize that it starts with you taking away the pieces of your being that are shameful and putting in there, instead, pieces of behavior and self belief that have honor. We're gonna remind you, our kiddos follow us. And so, as you show them how to continue to improve and change. And, you can also help them make their changes. 

So, let's shift a little bit about what happens when we see shame in our kiddos. We can often tell when our kiddos feel shame because they won't look at us. They won't look us in the eye. We, you and I, both know that eye to eye communication has vulnerability in it. It often asks and answers the questions of, "Do you love me and accept me?" And so, when we parent, one of the first things we want to do is establish to our kiddo that we are for them, and that we love them. We want them to know that we are going to work with them to help them be their best self. This is true, even when you're angry and needing to take a breath. Get down to their level, not by bending over them, but by bending your knees, or putting your bum on the ground and sitting by them. If they're not too intense about what has ever just happened, find a way to hold their hand, or to touch the top of their shoe. Do something that says, "We're okay. Your mom, your dad, we love you. It's okay." If they'll look at you eye to eye, then take a minute to say, "We're okay. Let's just talk." As you show your self control and affirmation to them that they are okay with you. You're not ashamed of them, they will calm down, and they will be able to take responsibility for their actions. 

So, I'll tell you a little story. I am certain it never happened in my house, and I'm certain it will never happen in yours. So, this is totally pretend, and I'm totally lying to you about that, because this is probably a true story in every house. Then, we're gonna call this kiddo Charlie. And, Charlie had a football. Charlie's four or five.  And, all of a sudden, you hear noise. Oh, it's not a pretty noise. And, you look over, and the lamp is down. It is down for the count. It's not coming back up. And so, you come over to Charlie, and you say, "Charlie, what happened here?" I'm sitting down by Charlie, and Charlie would be able to say, "I was just gonna throw the football in the basket, and my arm went wrong. And, it didn't go there." Now,  listen to Charlie, because Charlie's telling you the truth. Charlie saw in your actions of gentleness and tone that you were for him.
Now, you might be able to say, "Charlie, I think you know we aren't supposed to throw balls in the house." And, Charlie would say, "Yeah, but Dad did it." For me, I would laugh, because Dad probably did do it. It's probably true. And, I'll be able to say to Charlie, "I know Daddy did it. He disobeyed the rules. We still can't throw balls in the house. What would you like to do to take care of this Charlie?"
Now, Charlie is going to look down, because he just jumped back to shame. He's thinking.. that I'm thinking that he's a bad person. And so, I'm going to say back to Charlie, "Come on, look at me Charlie. All we have to do is figure out what to do about it."
Catch his eyes. Make sure your eyes are kind. Smile a little bit. "We just have to figure out how to clean it up? What do we need to do to do that?" And, he might say, "We need the vacuum." Or, he might say, "I don't know." And, I might say, "Well, do you think we need your sister?" And, he'll look at me funny like, "No." I might say, "Well, Charlie, do you think we need your shoe?" And, he'll look at me like,  "Why?" "Well, what do you think we need Charlie?" Because, I think Charlie is old enough to know we might need a dustpan and a broom. Maybe we need the vacuum. Maybe we need a rag or cloth. We're just going to talk a little bit about how to clean it up. 

If Charlie's tries to pull away and go, "No, I'm not gonna!" And, he shrugged his shoulders. This probably means that his internal dialogue is still that he's ashamed. His language inside himself is that he is a bad person. And, he will always be a bad person. And, I'm going to move that into a place that says, "Charlie is just a broken lamp and a football. Throwing a football is a lot of fun. We just had to make sure we do it outside. I know you're very good at throwing your football." You try to pull him out of that ugly internal self-talk by giving him a little compliment that helps him say, " I am good at throwing a football." And then, I might be able to say to Charlie, "If you're sorry, Charlie, that you threw the football in the house, then you can just say that to me. You can just say, Mom, I'm sorry. I threw the football went the wrong way. And then, I can say to you, Charlie. It's okay, Charlie, I forgive you. Let's clean up the mess." 

In forgiveness is where Charlie takes responsibility and can say, "I'm sorry I threw the football mom. And, I think I'll help you clean it up. And, I'm going to even tell daddy not to throw the football in the house anymore."
Listen to the responsibility: your responsibility for your self talk, but also to Charlie’s responsibility about how he is going to take care of things. When we learn to take responsibility, to apologize, to demonstrate that you forgive and forget, then you know what? It can be, sort of, funny, because when we are relieved that we are free from shame and loved by those we are with, we might find ourselves in a conversation like this.
"What are we going to do Charlie? We need a new lamp in this corner now?" And, Charlie might say, "Oh, Mom, I can sweep your floor four times, and then I'll get $4. And, then we can go to Goodwill and get a new lamp." And so, out of the mouth of little kids comes interesting conversations. You and I know lamps might cost more than $4, even at Goodwill. But, we also know that if Charlie offers that idea up, we are going to say, "You betcha." And, we are going to buy a lamp from Goodwill, beautiful or not so beautiful. Our accepting and affirming actions are going to tell Charlie that he has a value. And, that when we do something wrong, and we make it right and take responsibility, we grow in honor. And, the more we grow in honor, the less room there is inside us for shame, even for Charlie. 

I want to encourage you today, continue to grow your own identity in ways that:
takes responsibility for your actions;
gives you space to change actions that need changing,
and beliefs, that need changing;
and lead your children well.
You and your family are so worth it. 

There's always a printable to go along with these podcasts, and I encourage you to grab one of them today and use it. It will make your family strong, and healthy, and well.
Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to chatting with you in the next few weeks.
We'll talk to you later. Bye, bye.