Transcript: Explore and Expand

 

Hi. Hey, welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. I share my ideas from my experiences in each one of those places, often all of them put all together. That's what has created this Us and Kids Podcast, because in my life journey, so far, I have realized that it takes a lot of energy and focus to stay married forever and to stay really well connected in that marriage, while we try to parent together. It's not an easy task. I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite app. Or, sign up for it through the website, so that you can always get the freebie, and it's right there available to you. Each week, we put out something that is about how to be married well, and how to parent well, so that you are learning these skills. And often, they are interchangeable. We just adjust them a little bit for whatever space you're in, or where your struggle is. 

 

We also have a course called DNA For Fun Communications Course. And, it is a course that will help you with the core communication skills. Help you develop those, because those core communication skills... there are eight of them... help you build your relationships with your spouse, or your partner, as well as with your kiddos. The same core skills, and that's what's so important, but also what's so easy, because, we don't have to learn different skills. We just adjust them a little differently. And then, they work well, for most situations. So, that's a little bit about what's coming up down the road. Pay attention to the podcast or to the website for when that course is being available again. 

 

Let's talk about Chapter Four of The Five Things Book. All this time, in January, we've been talking about how to make sure that you are set up to get a really good run out of 2021. 2020 could have been very draining, and we don't want what you lost, what ground, maybe, you lost in 2020, to continue to stay at that level. We want it to move back up into a good B+ or maybe even into an A or an A+ range in terms of skill, connection, and enjoyment. 

 

And so, we've been talking about the five things that you need for building up your marriage and making them strong. The first one were interactions that have good intention in them. And, how do you know what an intention is? How do you make it so that your intentions are purposeful and take the energy to think about it, so that those interactions are really good? And then, we talked about setting up for calm. And, how our smiles or our facial look; our eyes at eye contact that is gentle and on purpose sharing encouragement through our eyes, instead of shame, or blame, or anger; and then, adding a tone of voice that helps to build trust. And, as trust grows between you and your littles, and between you and your spouse, there is always more room to grow more trust, as that grows, calmness builds into the relationship and into the flow of your household. As that builds and grows, so does compassion, and so does cooperation, and so does courage. And, those are elements that are really important as we move forward. Because, then last week, we talked about routines, but really what we were trying to get at through the back door was how to slow down the overwhelm. Life is busy, way busy. There are moving pieces and things changing all the time. We don't need COVID in order to know that. We just know it without it. And, talking a little bit about how to set up a good routine. How to make it happen, and how to make adjustments if the day has gone way south. Or, how to make adjustments when we're in tension with each other as a marriage or with kiddos.

 

So today, we're in chapter four, and we're talking about exploring and expanding, because a part of building strong relationships is that courage to be with each other and by each other to try new things, to experience things together. Because, it expands the way that you are connected, so that if one of the connection points isn't as strong, there's another one that counterbalances that that is. So, this fourth thing is all about having the courage to explore ideas and experiences, so that we can bond or attach more. The more that we are bonded or attached to others, the more responsive we can be to them. The more helpful we can be. The less spinning wheels and the less frustration with, "Well, I tried to help, but that didn't work." We can be more responsible and helpful in ways that really bring calm and connection. And, these things work with our kids, as well as with our spouses, or partners. 

 

This bonding and attachment that we're talking about that we need in order to be able to explore. Let's just talk about explore for a second. My definition of explore is trying something new. Or, taking something that we know and expanding it into a different area or place. So, exploring takes some courage, because it's a bit of going into the unknown. A bit ago, we were up in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and we were riding bikes around. And, we were having a ball, but we came to the end of the road. And, we knew we wanted to get back to the State Park. And there, we looked at this skinny, little trail, this Woods, the road ended and there were woods. And, we knew to the left of us was Lake Michigan. So, we looked at it, and we went, "Huh? Look at that. Should we try that little, skinny path with our bikes that we're borrowing from someone else? Should we go explore?" And, we did. And, the more we explored, the farther into the woods we got. There was always a path, but it kept getting skinnier and skinnier and skinnier. And then, it started getting boggy and mushy. And, like, step in it, and your feet just got filled with black goo. And, it wasn't real pretty. We had fun exploring. Eventually, the path led us to the State Park. It was fun to do together. We had to carry our bikes over logs. We had to detour around the marshes. We did it together. And, it built a good memory for us. It was going into the unknown. 

 

I don't know if that would have done it myself. But, I know that when I had Chipper with me that together we'd be fine. He's much better at figuring out how his phone navigates things, and he would check on his phone and say, "Yep, we're still headed towards the State Park. Let's keep going." Okay. We'd look at our muddy shoes, and we'd just, sort of, look and go, "Yeah. Well, that's mud." Because, at that point, it's too late. It's muddy. And, we didn't really realize, when I stepped on the log, that the log was going to sink instantly down into about six inches of muck. Yeah. We kept on laughing, because that's often what it takes to explore is an attitude of, "I'm in it with you, and some things that don't matter are not going to matter. We're not going to make a big deal about muddy shoes. Okay. We're not going to make a big deal about that."  And, that tree that fell over is about three feet in diameter, and so, I have picked up my bike. And, I'm, sort of, gonna hand it to Chip on the other side. Right? And then, I'm gonna lay on my belly and climb over the log. He can step over. He's a foot taller than me. I can't. I laid on my belly, and, sort of, slumped my way over the log. It was part of the exploring experience. And, it expanded our trust in each other. It expanded the fun that we could have in a memory bank, and it expanded our knowledge about the woods and the shores of Lake Michigan that not many other people get to see, frankly, unless you're in the boat. 

 

Do you see how we did this? First of all, we interacted. We had intentions. We knew that there's going to be some stress going into the woods. But, as we interacted, we kept our tension and stress low. Every now and then, we said, "How are you doing? You want to keep going?" And, because one of us said, "Yes," the other would say, "Yes." Sometimes, it's sort of alternated. We probably checked in two or three times. It probably took us an hour to get through the woods and to the other side. Probably on the road, it would have taken us 15 minutes. But, we wouldn't have had this experience. So, we had to watch how we interacted. But, we also had to watch the frustration, when I first put my foot into that pile of muck. It was, "Augh!!!" But, Chipper looked back and said, "You okay?" And, I said, "My shoes are full of mud." And, he said, "You okay?" And, I put a smile on my face, and said, "Yeah. It's only black mud. Good thing my shoes are navy blue." I put a smile on my face. Took the lighter attitude. And then, when we were close enough to each other again: and checking the phone; and where we thought we were; and how far we had to go yet,  we did a little eye check with each other. So, "You okay?" "Yep. I'm okay." That eye contact set us for calm. Our tones were good with each other. When one laughed, the other laughed. We didn't mock. We didn't say, "I'm tired of you being way behind me." We kept going together. We explored, and we experienced a whole new section of woods. And, how to bike ride through muck, and swamp, and other things those bikes weren't made for. 

 

It was the third part, out of our routine. We aren't normally big bike riders. So, all of this was a little out of a routine. And, as we stepped out of our routine, we learned a new one. Because, part of routines are in being able to make adjustments. And, we talked, a little bit in terms of, what would we have done differently? Okay. Should we have tried turning around and gone back to that busy road? No, I was tired of the busy road. Our routine here was in evaluating would we do this again? And again, and saying, "Well, what about it was okay? What about it wasn't?" It wasn't a real organized conversation, but it was enough for us to say that routine of, when you come to the end of the road, and you want to try something else, you take it bit by bit. And, you keep checking in with each other. And, if both of us are okay and honest and calm, we'll be okay. We'll keep going, and we'll make it to the other side. We expanded. That was, sort of, a long, little story about something that happened with Chip and I. Right? 

 

But now, think about it for you. Where have you taken time to explore?  Maybe not the outdoors, but maybe exploring how to make a new Lego something, or Duplo something, or Magna-Tile something with your kiddo. And, as you explore with them, they show you something that they know how to do, that you didn't know they did. And, you also have a shared experience of building something together. That little kiddo can say to the other parent, or to one of their friends, "Look Mommy and I did that! Daddy and I did this!" And, expands how they know their world, and how they know you. Those things build trust, and it's in that trust that gives the courage to then move forward and explore again, and redo an experience, or upgrade an experience. And, that then once again expands skills. It expands Lego building skills, but it might expand cooking skills, or conversation skills, or emotional skills. 

 

All of those build attachment. And, it's in that attachment, when it's a safe and secure, when it demonstrates, in the exploring, I'm for you. If one of us had said on our bike ride, "You know, I'm just not into this. And, I think that I'd rather just put the bikes and walk along the Lakeshore. And, sort of, make our way back to the road. I think I'd rather ride on the busy road. If one of us had said that, the other would have listened and honored it. There might have been some disappointment. There might have been a little exploring about, "Why? Or, how can I help you?" We would have stayed together, because this would have been an experience of expanding our trust in the other person. And, there's always room to do that. 

 

Oh, let's talk about this in a little more, maybe, organized, less story form fashion. When we explore ideas, it helps to be curious. That takes some courage. Exploring doesn't always have to happen in the action world. Often exploring happens, first of all, as we explore whether or not we have the emotional energy and the skill set to be able to do the idea. Now it might be an idea about: how to cook something new; or how to rearrange a room; or how to get the car fixed; or how to rearrange the finances, so that we can do whatever. But, exploring has some of that courage in it to be curious and to be willing to start knowing that the end might not be as dandy. It might fail. That's part of exploring. 

 

You want to know when to explore? In my world, it's almost always. This curious mind, this wondering mind builds creativity, and creativity builds problem solving skills and attachment with those who do it with us. And so, helping you and your spouse explore, "You know, I was wondering why you made that decision? I didn't quite know what went into that for you. And, was it more thought based? Or, was there an emotional punch, of some sort, that said you wanted to do this, instead of that?" "Did somebody say something to you, or did you read something?" That's exploring. And, it helps us understand how our spouse thinks, and how they move. It helps us build admiration towards them and appreciation for their processes. 

We can also learn the same thing from our kiddos, because they are natural explorers. Our kiddos are. Just natural. We give them lots of room to do that. There was a time, I was babysitting grandkids. I don't think my kids know this one. I was at one of their houses, and the grandkids were little. They were probably one and a halfish. There are two of them that are five days apart. So, they're probably about one and a half, maybe close to two, and they're a little bored. It's cold outside, and this house is under construction or reconstruction. Remodeled, that's the word... remodeling. So, the floor was plywood. And so, I took a cookie sheet, and I dumped some water on it. And, I took a couple of bowls, and then put some food coloring in each one of them. And, I let the kids take a paper towel or a rag, and they would dip it into the water and some into the colored water. And, they got to paint the floor. Oh, was this fun. They discovered that colors make different colors. They thought it was awesome that when they dripped their drippy rag all over the floor, it left dots everywhere. Oh, my goodness was this fun to explore. Now, if I had been overly anxious about making a mess on the floor, or about the kids getting all wet, we wouldn't have had this little experience. And, we wouldn't have got the bonding and the adventure together. 

 

You see, it doesn't have to be big exploring. It's just enough to let people build some creativity, because then, when we were done, we had to talk about, "What should we do with a wet floor?" I often went there early in the morning, so often my hair was wet, and sometimes, I brought my hairdryer with me. And, one of the kids suggested, I could use my hairdryer to dry the floor. That's pretty creative for a little one, right? We didn't. We just let the floor dry, if I remember it correctly. But, I thought it was, sort of, funny. 

 

What about for you? When you hear an idea from someone else, are you willing to jump in on it, and say, "Yeah, let's try that. That's a great idea." You're willing to say if it doesn't work, we'll be okay. Because, either way, if we explore something, we experience the win, or the not as much of a win, together. And that, then holds us closer to each other. We have expanded our relationship. And, we can understand that even if it doesn't work out well, we're still together. We're still safe together. It's great for couples, and it's great for parents and kiddos. It's great in kiddo to kiddo space. Help them explore. Give them time and room to explore. Okay? Stay safe. Let it be a little messy, because it brings around such good interactions and attachments with each other that you can build on for years and years and years. 

 

You know, this has been a good time to remember that there's a lot of things out there your littles don't know, and you and your spouse don't know. And, you've got time and energy work towards understanding. Not towards shame or embarrassment, but rather towards appreciation and connection. You are worth it, so is your spouse, your partner, and so are your kiddos. 

We've taken this chapter of the book, like the other ones, and we've attached it here, so that you can have a way to get what's in the chapter, along with the workbooks, or the worksheets, that we've included with it. So, if you can't find it attached to the board you're listening in the podcast, hop on the US and Kids website and go in the blog section to Episode 73. And, grab that printable, because it will be worth it to work it through and to build up your exploring, experiencing, and expanding opportunities all together as a family. I'm cheering for you. I want to thank you for joining me today. I look forward to talking with you again next week about the last one, and it's about kisses. Talk to you later. Thank you. Bye, bye.