Transcript: SET for Calm

Hello. Hey, welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen, and I am glad to be with you to start out this year of 2021. You know, being married forever while you parent together is not an easy job. And, that's why I share with you some of my expertise that I've learned from being a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 35 years. But also, what I've learned from the real work of being married for 41 years! And parenting children and now interacting weekly with my grandkids. Raising kids and staying married at the same time is not an easy task. So, I encourage you (to) subscribe to the Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app, so that you can get this podcast and a little bit of just refreshing information every week. It's important for you and your sanity and calmness to know that your marriage, and your home, and your kids are fulfilled. And, you're fulfilled, and that it is very good. 

It's good to have you back here again. We're working our way through a little book that I wrote a while ago, and we're just taking it chapter by chapter to help you get off to the right start in 2021. The little book is about the five things that you need for being married forever, while you parent together. As many of you know, that's our theme and our main focus for the US and Kids podcast and website is how to be married well, while you parent kiddos and doing them at the same time. Last week, we talked about intentions and how to make good intentions and be aware of what we are bringing into a conversation or into a relationship space, either marriage or with your kiddos.

So today, the second step to that is knowing how to reset, so that you can get some calm. We'll do that reset by talking and thinking about three things: smiling, eye contact, and tone of voice. So, let's keep going here a little bit more, and just explore those three things for setting ourselves up for staying and being calm. Okay. So. I said, you have three things: smiling, using your eyes and your tone of voice. 

Well, let's first of all talk about smiling. What does a smile have to do with being calm or helping things be more calm? When I'm distressed, the last thing I want to do is smile. I've got a scowl. Hello? Okay... I've got a smirk. I have snarky stuff in me. I feel sly, or sort of evil like a snake, when I'm distressed, and when there's chaos all over the place. Well, you know, the little saying, my guess is that you know this, smiling turns your frown upside down. And, it's true. Yes, it's true. We don't necessarily even care whether or not you're happy in your heart. We know that if you change your facial muscles by smiling, and smiling takes far less muscles than frowning, that it also changes the way your brain thinks and works, just by adjusting that muscle shape. And so sometimes, we say, "I don't really care how you feel. Put your head down. Put your hands in your face. Your face in your hands and just put on a smile." Regardless of how you feel, because it will help you become more calm. In order for the situation to be calm, because you're the parent, you're the spouse or the partner, you know, you get to do the leading. Now, lead into a space that is helpful, that calms the chaos. When we can stop the frowning and the scowling; and just the tension wrap that goes all in our neck and our shoulders and our arms and our hands; when we can slow that down, the headache begins to go down. All of that energy spent on all of that tense muscle, eats up the energy for creative problem solving and for having more courage and for having access to the compassion that you know you have inside of you. You may be disgusted or just stressed about something that someone did, but my guess is that usually you were also still in relationship with him and you still care about them. But, when the tone of voice and the look on your face comes out like an angry monster, then the only thing that happens is that everybody becomes frightened and creates more chaos. If you can pull yourself back for a second and let those muscles in your face and your shoulders relax, you'll be able to breathe a little bit easier and that will access the compassion that you have. When compassion shows first, even when you're disgusted, then both you and the person that you're interacting with, regardless of age, can become more creative and courageous about how to settle down and move into a different space, attitude, or action. I know I make it sound easy. It's not, but it's worth the effort. 

What else does smiling do, besides release a whole lot of anxious energy that's going into all your other muscles? The brain releases happy hormones when we put her mouth into that smiling shape. I know weird, right? But happy hormones: dopamine, some serotonin, maybe some norepinephrine it releases things that help our heart become calm. So, I'm saying it again: sneak away to the bathroom; step outside and go to the garage and get something for a minute; stick your head inside the refrigerator and look for something; and smile. I don't really care where you're going. I care that you put yourself in a place that is just you for about three and a half seconds and smile. Repeated again and again. And, when you've got enough of it gathered, then look at your spouse or your little one with a smile, because it helps them to trust you. It has to be genuine, of course. Right? When we smile at someone, we've taken that three and a half seconds to just pull ourselves down and settle down, we build trust. And, when we build trust that the person we're interacting with knows that we're for them. We're not against them, and we're not gonna, in quotes "kill them." Then, they settle down. The calm begins to move in, because they trust that you are for them. And, that's a game changer, when it comes to calming chaos. This, "Let's do this together. I'm for you." It's not easy to do, but it's important to do. And, it is the first place that we have to go, when we're going to calm the chaos and reset, creating some calm is building a smile within you and outside of you. 

So, there you stand with a smile plastered on your face. What's next? Well, if you want the smile to have a little more punch, which you probably do, and the punch... maybe that was a bad choice of words. Right? Let's see once, because we're trying to calm chaos, not punch somebody out. Here we go. Let's talk about eyes. Coming eye to eye with someone. Not evil eye. Not devil eye. I'm not, "I want to kill you with my eyes." But remember, we're gonna smile first, that compassion and gentleness is going to move up through our face and in through our eyes, out to someone else. Our eyes talk about emotions, and it's a bit more vulnerable. But, I can tell you that being vulnerable and kind really helps calm to come close by. You see, when we use the smile to calm our hearts, we can then access the trust, and the honor, the compassion, and the courage that we want someone else to use in changing what they're doing. To change what we do, we don't just have to change our external behaviors, and what our muscles are doing, and how our arms and legs are moving, we also have to change the emotional space within us. And, when there's chaos in the house, that emotional space is usually in a fair amount of distress. And, that distress then shows in the behavior. So, you use your smile first, and then you come and you look eye to eye. More than once, I've held a little person's hand, and, more than once, I've held my husband's hand, and said, "Look at me. I have something to tell you. " And now, I'm going to tell them something good. Often I say, "No shame. Don't be scared. Come and look at me." "I like what you did. I could see that you were trying to share. I know you didn't intend wrong, because I know your heart." 

When we do that and we look straight across the room, the words are nice, but you don't get the extra 15 points worth of value. You don't move it from that B to that A+. And, you could. You could just give it a whole nother layer of sweetness, that tightens everything up, so that there isn't room for chaos by simply doing some eye contact. 

So I've just put words with my eyes, but sometimes my eyes are just full of tears. And I say, "Just look at me," because I don't have words. I love you. I don't want to be mad. Let's get this figured out. Sometimes, eyes without words include a wink, or sparkle, or a twinkle that the other person knows we're okay. And, as soon as we're okay, big or little person, they settle down. Because, that's usually the first question when there's chaos is, " Are you okay with me? Am I okay with you? Are we safe together?" Not just physically safe together, that's a question that needs to be addressed, but "Are we emotionally safe together? And, when we do eye to eye... if you can look eye to eye three seconds,  that's pretty good. If you can make it 10 seconds, that's probably even better. That's a long time to look somebody in the eye.Work it. Practice it, so that you aren't so frightened by it, and the other people you're around aren't so frightened, but they know that eye to eye brings that emotional connection that settles things down and pulls out good, good character traits of kindness, of honor, of patience, of gentleness, and self control. 

Now, in all of this you could hear, I've changed my tone from time to time, because that's that last part of reset, right, is ,what's your tone like? So are you smiling? Can you get some good eye contact? And, make sure your eyes aren't piercing daggers through somebody. And then, can you work your tone of voice, because our voice tells both our thoughts and our emotions. So, it's a double power here. And, our tone of voice comes from that blend of thoughts and emotions. And, while our emotions are probably true, and often, have some validity to them, how we express them, will really make a difference in how people receive it. Okay. When somebody is really, really, excited and they're cheering, and they are jumping, almost somebody somewhere around goes, "Whoa.. slow down. It's okay. Yay, you're excited." But, they're a little pulled back from it. 

When someone is screaming or just at top of their volume lungs, and voice, and look, and tone, and says, "I'm the boss, and I am going to make it even! And, you're not doing what I want, and it's not okay with me!" And, look out, the monster has turned on and here I come. This has just created chaos. Now, it might be true that what is happening, absolutely needs to be stopped. It needs to be settled down, like, very quickly. It takes a lot of control in order to make it, so that you can use that energy inside of you of, "Whoa... this has to stop right now," and do it with a tone that helps people listen and cooperate, without becoming overly frightened. 

I think we've said it before, and we'll just do the reminder piece to it now that when our tone becomes too big and too loud that what happens in a person's brain, big or little, is that they become frightened. And, most of the brain freezes, and no electrical current happens in it. Yes, you have electrical currents in your brain, and it's what helps send thought through, so that you can carry out a wise action. But when you become frightened, there's fight or flight, and that's that freezing piece. If we want to have a conversation or want somebody to actually move in our direction, then we have to lower how much fear we're delivering by our tone of voice. Now that will come, along with what our face looks like, and what our eyes look like, of course. But often, if you're yelling at them from the other side of the kitchen, nobody's looking at you, all they hear is your tone. And, they can read into that: what your face looks like, and what your body looks like, and what your eyes look like. So, listen to yourself once. What does that tone sound like if you had to listen to you? How would you react? Would you move in a way that was cooperative with you? Or, would you freeze and go "No, naw... I don't trust you." People transition, even people that we know and love well, transition, when they know that you are for them. That you love them. And, even under tension, people will transition nicely, when they know that you are for them. And, that's usually the question that often if we answer it first by our smiles, by our tone of voice, and by our eyes, then cooperation begins to build. And, it's not always right away. But, as they can hear and see from you, what your face looks like; what your eyes look like; and how your voice sounds; that you were for them. And, that when this pickup is done; when this mess is settled out; when pj's are actually on; when the chores, or the household things that needed to be done are actually finished; we're gonna settle down into a nice place of calm. And, that bumpy road that we just went through is going to be behind us. That's right. Behind us. 

Let's talk for just a little minute about tone and your little ones. It's a little bit different space here, when our little ones are probably about four and under. Their language is not very well developed, and their brain isn't very well developed yet. It is developing, but it's not yours. It is not an adult brain. It is a kiddo brain. And, when the kiddo brain is distressed, confused, worried, overstimulated, overtired, they have to release anxiety and tension. And, often they don't have the words. And so, they make noise, or they misbehave. Not out of an effort to disrespect you. They don't even really know how to do that, or what that is. They're not trying to make you churned up and crazy. They're trying to tell you that they are distressed. That's right. Your little one is trying to tell you that they are distressed, or that they are the ones who is churned up and crazy. And, they're acting it out, because their request to you, even though they don't know how to say it is, "Mommy, Daddy, help me! I'm an emotional mess." And, if you become an emotional mess with them, you do have a mess. But, when you: slow down; breathe out; get on the same level, same height as your little one (On your knees on the floor... not bent over, so that you're, like, towering over the top of them); bend your knees and the hips and get down low; and hold them; hold their hand, and simply say, "What's up. You look really sad. You're being really loud. Can I help?" And then, they'll go off about something, "No 'cuz blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah," and, we don't know what it is even. Sometimes, we can't make out half the words. They're saying they don't know how to fix it. And, they want you to listen to it. So, just listen for a minute, and say, "Oh no! How should we fix it?" And, if you are with them, in tone, and with eyes, and maybe, with a touch, you'll be able to then also see that they'll have a suggestion. And, it may not be a good suggestion, but it's a start about how to fix it. "Give it to me right now! Give it to me right now! I want that right now," is something they might say. And, you might be able to say, "You want it right now." "Yes." And, then you might be able to say, "Well, we can't do it right now, but let's be sure we do it in 10 minutes. Shall I set a timer?" And, this is your message to your kiddo, that you are for them. You're not rejecting their idea. And, often our kiddos will follow, because that's the real message they want to know is, "Are you for me? Do you agree with me? Do you understand me? Do you care about what I care about?" And, even little ones want to know the answer to those big questions. 

So, in setting up for calm, we've talked about these three things. Take time to calm your own self, and often, that's easily done, or started, by smiling. I often remember through the day, and I remember walking around with those kids in the house. Often a hot summer afternoon, when we lived in California, and I was hot, and the kids were hot. And, I just couldn't hardly think anymore. And, I was getting crabby, but it was mostly because I was overheated. And so, I'd walk into the bathroom. I would go upstairs into my bedroom... walk into the bathroom and splash cold water all over my face. And, I would just, sort of, just keep splashing it until my body temperature came down a little bit. Okay. Sometimes, I'd stick my head under the faucet get my hair half wet just to give myself a different sensation. And then, I'd work up a little smile. This is before I had done any research on smiling. I just remember doing it, and thinking "You've got to smile sometime today Jan." And, as I did those two things, I was pretty powerfully reset, in order to be able to go back downstairs and re-engage in a way that didn't have quite so much shame for me around it. I often watched as I changed my tone of voice. And, I watch it, even now, when I'm on Grandma Day on Mondays and Thursdays, that if I change my tone of voice, the kids follow better. If I'm being pretty bossy like, "We've got to go! We've got to get in the car. We've got a preschool run to do! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go." If I'm that way, they're slower. If I sit on the floor and say, "Got your shoes. Come and sit by me." And, all of a sudden, a little donut pops on my lap, and we're putting shoes on. Same amount of time. Different use of energy. We are calmer, and now we're in the car. And not late, a pretty good success for me, my whole life if I'm not late. 

What about for you? Think about what do you need? What will you use more this week? Will it be your tone? Will it be your eyes? Will it be your smiles? I want to encourage you to keep listening here, and keep an eye on the website for the incoming things about that. This chapter of the book, with all of the working things, the exercises that go with it, this chapter of the book, is your freebie for this week. So it's worth the download, because it's got good things... ways to start conversations; ways to explore yourself; ways to include it in your marriage. And so, you don't have to come up with it. You can just look at the freebie. You got other things to do. Grab this freebie. It'll be worth it for you. Thank you for joining me today. This is Jan Talen signing off, until next week. And, wishing you all a wonderfully, married forever, while you parent together week. Talk to you later. Bye, bye.