Transcript:  Mary, Marry and Merry!!

Hello. Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host, Jan Talen, and I've been with you all year long. This is our last podcast for 2020, and it's a bit of a story. I think you're going to enjoy it. You already know, I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I'm also a wife, a mom, and a grandma. And, I create this Us and Kids Podcast in order to help you guys be married forever while you parent together. I know, because I've raised four kids, and I hang out with my grandkids weekly, that parenting is not an easy task. So, I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids Podcast in your favorite podcasting app. I am glad you are here, so that your marriage and your home can be fulfilling and so very, very good. 

Well, as you probably know, Christmas was a couple days ago. Maybe you celebrated it a lot. Maybe you ignored it some. I don't know. But anyways, it's like most other traditions and truths, there's a fabulous story to go along with the tradition. And the tradition of Christmas is no different. It's got a story to it. So today, instead of really teaching and guiding you into the spaces about being your best self, or your best parent, or your best partner or spouse, I want to encourage you to relax. Listen to the story with all of the applications for your life today. For those of you who know the details to this story, you're going to be right. I'm skipping a few of those details, in the interest of time, and the focus of this podcast. I am leaving some space for spiritual interest and intrigue. I'm inviting you to wonder about yourself and your home. Take a few minutes to be introspective, and use this story to upgrade your life story in some small and good way. 

The players in the story, as I will tell it, have Mary, Joseph, and a baby, along with these events: marriage, divorce and merriment. I know that's a funny word isn't it? Merriment. It means just being happy, and it goes along with Mary, and marriage. And so, all of those M's, I just had to throw together. Here we go. Let's start. You ready? 

We're gonna start with Mary. She is a tween-age girl. Somewhere, we think, between 12 and 15. She's pregnant. She's surprised, and she's courageous. She was going to start a new chapter in history with big things. But, how was she going to do this? What can we see from her, about her, that helps us on our parenting journey? Here are a few things we can observe.

One of them is she was accepting. Now, we don't know her innermost thoughts. We do know that she pondered the events around her. Ponder is not a word we use often nowadays, but it means to think deeply; to wonder about the short term and the long term effects; to think about how do I want to best respond and react; to plan your own space, as you know that events that are going to happen.
She pondered. She thought deeply. We think that she thought about pregnancy, and what motherhood would be like, or about. What this would mean for her? How her life would change? Thinking helps us make good decisions. Decisions that stay within our character. Decisions that don't have regret. Thinking, when well done, also includes understanding as well as being aware of our emotions.

Mary, in the beginning, and, I think, throughout, was often scared and confused. She could feel those emotions. She knew they were big, and she did a smart thing. She went to an old aunt of hers. She trusted this aunt. Her aunt was wise, and she stayed with her aunt for quite a while. Together they did life. They compared pregnancy notes. They laughed, and they cried. They encouraged each other, and they were good for each other. 

Well, what about you? Do you take time to think, actually think, and move your emotions and look at the consequences to Plan A, or Plan B, or Plan C? And, do you have someone, a good person, that you can lean into, rely on, who is there for you and interested in your best. (One) who doesn't trick you, or blab about you in other spaces, but just gives you their best input and honors that relationship and space.
These are good people to have in our lives. Nowadays, we might call them a mentor. Some of you would call them, "Oh, that's my therapist." And, you're right. Often a therapist can help you think through things wisely, patiently, and thoroughly. 

You see, it was good for Mary to be able to go to her aunt and just absorb some strength and some wisdom for the road ahead. Being a young mom is not easy. (It) wasn't easy then.  (It) isn't easy nowadays. And, her good old aunt helped her become more ready for her adventure into adulthood. So, like I said, I hope that you have someone like this in your life too. Even if that person isn't old. You may have a friend who's very wise, but the same age as you. Lean into them, and they will cheer you on and give you wisdom that will help you make decisions that don't have regret in them. 

You could also hear that Mary was pretty alone. It was unusual, in this Jewish space, long ago, to be pregnant before marriage. Women were often strongly chastised for their situation. And so, Mary had to be strong emotionally. She had to stay true to her convictions that she was going to keep and carry this little person through to life in her arms. She knew the truth about her little one... that he was precious, was needed on this earth. And, she didn't sway from that truth even when others mocked her, and when others rejected her. 

Well, what about you? What do you know about you that others don't, or wouldn't believe? What do you know about you that is good, even though other people can't really see it. It's scary to bring it forward.

Live into that truth, with grace and with power. Stay with the good truth that is true about you. A good truth for you might be that you have good boundaries with your kids. Those boundaries work for you, and your kids are healthy and developing and learning. Then don't listen to all the other noise.

Live into good truth and stay with it. Truth that we live into, that is healthy, sets us free. And, truth, when we understand what is not healthy, can also release us from that stuff, so that we are more free. 

You see, these truths that Mary knew: that her little one was necessary on this earth; that she was going to be a good mom to her little one... She kept that truth in her heart. It was part of, what I think, she pondered, and it kept Mary from disowning herself and to start believing ugly things others were saying about her. She stayed true to herself. And, I think, that in her spaces of loneliness, and of overwhelm, she probably did rethink her decision and the reasons for making it. And, as she did, I think, she reset herself with resolution to stay the course, physically with a pregnancy, as well as, spiritually, and in her relationship with Joseph, her fiance. 

What about you? In your quiet, lonely spaces, as you rethink things, can you reset yourself with a resolution to stay true to what is good; what is healthy; and what is wise? Put some effort and some courage into it. It will give you some strength to stay steady, and calm, and connected. 

Alright, let's talk about Joseph. As far as we know, he was a fine gentleman. Maybe, he was a little bit older than Mary, but was not a dad, that we know of, and we don't think he'd ever been married. He was looking forward to, at least in my mind, a normal married life. What kind of married life do you think that would be? What do you think he was looking for? Maybe, some of the same of what you were looking for. Or at least, what I looked for. I wanted my married life to be calm. I wanted it to be easy and fun. I wanted what roles and expectations there were to be well laid out and not confusing. I wanted enough money and things for comfort. I wanted love that was safe, and solid, and good with lots of trust. How about you? What do you want out of married life?

Joseph was setting himself up with a fine young girl to have a fine married life. It had a little twist and turn in it. What about you? Have you had some twists and turns this past year? Things that have challenged your marriage? Things that have challenged yourself and your family life? 

Well, let's see once what Joseph does with this. You can hear Mary and Joseph have a rough start. Mary is pregnant. Joseph is not the father, and it's a mess. Relationally, in this community that they lived in, this was a mess. And, maybe even you know some of this yourself, where the pregnancy and the plans were not really how either one of you wanted it to start out. But, you didn't really want to break up either.

There seemed to be no good way out of it, or through it. No matter what choice you made, it wasn't the dandy choice. It wasn't the one you had dreamed up. Well, what was Joseph gonna do?
Joseph had done, or acted, somewhat like his girlfriend. He took time to think. While Mary was gone to her aunt's house, he thought through his options weighing them with the long and the short term consequences. What to do? Quick - break up with her? He could. In that culture, this could seem like the best option, even though it would be deemed a divorce, and Mary would be destitute. If he did it discreetly, the impact on Mary would be less, and they could both move on. And, Joseph quietly, in his heart, began to make those plans. When to do it? What to say? How to handle Mary's reactions? How to handle the community's reactions? And, how his own heart really felt?

When and where have you been considering divorcing? Maybe not really talked about in your relationship, as sometimes, but just thought about in  your own heart and mind. Maybe a smaller step. When have you considered it, or perhaps, made the choice to just emotionally step away from your spouse and yet not be “in it” with them. Give some distance, gently, not really saying anything. You just quietly built a little stone wall to trip you up. Maybe you holding an attitude that says, “I'm not giving that much of myself to you.” 

These were options that Joseph considered, but we know he didn't choose them. Why not? He had a powerful encounter with the truth that divorce and separation would have had long term consequences that would impact his life forever. And, that staying with Mary, even with her baggage pregnancy, would be more fulfilling and satisfying than the other option. He understood that either way had risk to him, to her, to their kiddo. Either way has an impact on family life and extended family relationships.

This is no different than today. And, it became clear to him that his first desire to be with Mary, as his wife, was also true even in the darkest of the circumstances. What he knew in his heart, when life wasn't complicated, was that he wanted Mary to be his wife, and he knew that was really still true even with the confusion of the culture and her pregnancy.

Joseph took great courage to stay true to his heart, to do what he knew to be best and good. He had the courage and the determination to go forward with that. He decided to do the best thing even though it was also going to be the hardest thing. He decided to stay with Mary and marry Mary. 

For you, I encourage you. Work to stay with right, good, and best choices. They are not often the easiest. They required sacrifice and honor and leadership. They are worth it. They deepen in your life with rich memories, with new strength, with the sense of accomplishment, and wholeness. Work on it, because you are worth it. So is your spouse. So is your family. I'm not talking just to the guys here. These are universal truths, like what we said, and so, these can apply to either of you.
They decided to stay a couple. Woo Whoo! Right! 

Mary and Joseph put effort into their daily life. They stuck together even though their first year of parenting was very unusual. But, maybe you've done this as well. They traveled across the country together poorer than church mice. Maybe you know the feeling? Not much money.. only having each other. And, a family that was watching, skeptical, wondering would they make it? They weren't really helpful. They were just watching.

Do you know that feeling of people judging? You can feel the sinister come right out of them, when really you could have just used a little help and support. But nobody's giving that support to you. They're just watching, seeing once how you're going to manage this.
Well, that was Mary and Joseph's experience as they traveled to Bethlehem, alone and together. I imagine, in my own, little brain here, that as they traveled, they talked about hopes and dreams. They talked about the way life ought to be, with love and family support and easier every year. But then, they got to Bethlehem, where there was a lot of family, and they found out family wasn't that great. Rejection, ignoring them, and aloneness was what greeted them. 

But, maybe you've been there. Maybe there's a critical mother-in-law or other-in-law that just spreads ugliness about you and around you. You can feel the vibe. And, it rattles you a bit inside, because you're not sure what you have done so wrong. Maybe whoever their family is, didn't like your choice of bride or groom. They didn't like it that you didn't have a job, or a big paying job; or you weren't starting life out on the wrong foot. Instead of helping and supporting and seeing the good, they stared. They judged and alienated you. 

Mary and Joseph we're in this place. Let's see once what they did. We don't really know how much tension there was between Mary and Joseph as they traveled into Bethlehem. What we do know is that they didn't have much time to focus on it. Because, as soon as they got there, Mary went into labor. Yes, she traveled being pregnant. They didn't have cars. She gave birth to a baby boy. Now, this should have been fun... celebrations; family cheers; claps on the back; tears for moms, aunts and family, friends. But that family had turned their back on Mary and Joseph, and so this experience was just between them. 

This happens to us. There are times in our lives where it's trauma, or unusual events, make it that it's just you and your spouse doing it alone and together. What did you make of it? Think about those events. Talk about them with each other, a little bit. Touch base and say, "What do you think?
How did we do with that?"
Did you pull closer together?
Did you grow in admiration and appreciation for each other? With the, "I couldn't have done it without you!" Or, "I am so, so, so glad you were there with me." Or, You helped me more than, whatever person you want to name, ever could have." And, "Well, you know, if we can do that together... Heck, we can do anything."

You see, sometimes these traumas, where we thought we would have help, but we ended up being alone with each other, build strength and trust and love for each other. And, Mary and Joseph were gonna need those things: strength, trust, and love in the years ahead. This was a rough start for them. But, I think it really beefed up the relationship skills and the connections that they were going to need for the long haul. 

Mary and Joseph did decide to marry, but they also did life so that they were merry... Like happy. They have learned how to think and feel. They did the pondering part. They relied on family, when family was good for them, like Mary's old aunt. And, they learn to rely on each other. They also learn to rely on what they knew to be truth, even when their truth was unusual and scary. It can be scary to stay in a relationship that takes work. It can be scary to have so many changes happen when we give birth, (and) have newborns in our care and still have everyday living to do.

Stay with what you know is good and true, both of those together. If it's bad and true, then take care of the bad, so that it becomes good. If there's a better truth that you learn from a friend, then it's wise move on to that and move into it. This is what Mary did when she hung out with her old aunt. This is what Joseph did when he pondered his options about staying with Mary. As he saw it, he saw that it was wiser to stay with her, albeit, harder. Joseph did. He stayed with her.

Mary and Joseph found the merry part of living by staying with each other. They honored their own character in the promises that they made to each other. The story doesn't say much about how much fun they had: playing with their son; watching him roll over; take his first steps; learning to talk, giggle; snuggling daddy's arms at night. I am sure they found merry in doing life together... the good and the hard. Knowing they could lean on the other: for support; for a better perspective; for comfort; and for wisdom. And, I'm hoping that as you have listened to this, you will see spaces in your life where there is merriness... merriment... happiness.

Some of the lessons Mary and Joseph learned in deciding to get married, apply today, as well. As you might know, this is an adaptation from the Christmas story. The complete story with angels and other flying things is found in Matthew Chapters One and Two and Luke Chapter Two of the Bible. If you want an easy find, just google it. In the Christian faith, Jesus is the Son of God, and Mary and Joseph were ordinary, every day, Jewish, young adults trying to live the best they could, much like you and I.

That's why I find this story inspiring every year. It has so many living-life- well-in-the-midst-of-uncertainty-and-chaos tidbits in it. For me, the tidbit that I lean into, probably, because of my Christian faith in Jesus as my Savior, is that the God of the Bible uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things for the good of the human race.
I am praying for you. I am praying with you...that good for the human race, on a large scale, and on the scale of just you and your little household, will be true, as we end this year.
Mary and Joseph kept Jesus in their life. Without them, their life would have been empty and confused. That is true for me as well. With Jesus in my life, I have courage and joy, merriness. If you add Jesus' joy to your life, if you want to, let me know and I'll help you understand how that works.
So to end this, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year as you celebrate being married, and the things that help you onto merriment.
Of course, there's a printable for this one. I hope you find it sort of fun, and
I look forward to growing with you and getting to know you more in the New Year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Bye, bye.