Transcript:  Anticipation and Hope

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent togethe. You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

We're moving towards the end of the year, and so you're sort of curious, I'm sure, what is she gonna talk about in December?? Last week was about dads, and it didn't seem to have anything to do with the end of the year. However, dads are so important in the role of parenting and in their space within the marriage place, that I just wanted to be sure that we highlighted them and said, "You're an important player in how we end the year." 

Today, we're going to talk about an ancient story and about anticipation. So anticipation... this can be a negative word or a positive word. Like, we could expect something really, really good to be happening... looking forward to it. I think we've had these emotions of looking forward to it, only to have that anticipation be radically rearranged into anticipation of, "Oh, we don't get to do that birthday party. We don't get to go on that vacation. We don't get to..." And, our anticipation has twisted and turned from expecting something to not expecting. (Therefore), changing it into something that's a little more sour. 

You know, a lot of people talk about, "Well, you just have to pivot. Pivot one more time. It's okay. You keep finding something new." But you can pivot till you're dizzy. And, people talk like, "Oh, this is so much fun." And, maybe some of it was and is, and there are places of gratefulness. However, usually we experience the pivot as more fun, when we’re the person in charge. When you are the person in charge, then the pivoting is fun. It's not as much fun, when it is sort of put upon you, and you didn't plan it. Pivoting when you are not in charge changes the anticipation to have an element of shock or fright, and that makes our brains often more weary and a little more scary... a little harder to get back up on our feet and find a smile. 

So, I said, we were going to talk about anticipation and an ancient story. The ancient story is the story of the wiseman from the Christian story of the birth of Jesus. But don't fret here; we're not going to have this be a "Come to Jesus Moment." This podcast is really going to be about the anticipation, disappointment, and joy that the wiseman experienced. Because, you see, at least in my world, as I think about things in funky ways, I think that the wisemen had a year like us.
They started out with great anticipation for a great adventure by following a star that had showed up unusually into the unknown. And, no they weren't going into the unknown of the outer space, they were going to follow this star on land.
And, just like us, we started 2020 with anticipation and eagerness for the next year and the next decade. We didn't know where it would go, but we knew we were headed into it and away we went. We had eagerness. We had joy. We had hopes. And then 2020 started, and just like the wisemen who had to drudge through desert spaces, boring places, probably a bit of tension filled spaces where they had to barter to get passage through, we also started with anticipation.
But then we discovered there were places of desert. There were places where we had to barter our way through. They had to accept that dust and sandstorms, conversations and tensions about which way to go... “Should we keep going??”... was a part of their everyday life as they took this journey.
Sounds familiar? Maybe we didn't have dust storms, but we certainly have had our share of unusual weather. And, we certainly have had our share of conversations and tensions about what to do and how to manage it. Not just as a nation or a world, but also, within our houses.
How do we take care of the kids? "I can't do that and then work until one at night. I'm too tired." "Well, I have to be at work, or I'll lose my job. I have to go there." "Yeah, but I'm too scared for you." "Oh, I'll be fine." And, you can hear those conversations. You've had them. And, it's scary, and it has tension in it.
You've had conversations, my guess is, about food and about household supplies and about daily needs. And then, those conversations that, "This is taking too long." "I want to go home!" "I want to go see...." "I want to do just what's normal!" "Yeah, but grandma or aunt, or cousin, or good friend, needs me." Those desires are all put on hold, just like the wiseman. They entered the adventure, knowing that once they entered it, they weren't going to be able to turn around. We entered into 2020 knowing, we're going to go forward, whatever it holds.  Here we go. It's a bit familiar for both of us. 

Now, I've included some details about the wisemen that we don't have written down in the Bible anywhere, but our imaginations can fill some of that in. Right? This is a group of people traveling together, into the unknown, with unexpected things happening. Probably true for us too. We entered into this 2020 unknown, with people that we knew. Tension does normally build when there's so much change and curiosity and concerns. The wisemen expected a great adventure, and you know what? They got a long and tedious one. Really familiar, right? They were sure, in the end, they were going to meet a king, who was going to be greater than any other one, so they held on to hope, and they kept moving forward. This power of hope, for something better, for something bigger, is what they had, but it's also what we have. Hope for a better future. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that we can make it through the day. 

This element of hope is important to continue to share with each other, to help us look forward to something that's going to turn out okay - something that says, "We may not have dared hoped that that everything will be okay, but I certainly am going to be glad and rely on the fact that I'm doing it with you." And, that connection of the relationship between us is crucial to the joy in our daily lives no matter how old we are. So when I'm talking about this hope, I'm not just talking to you adults, but I'm going to invite you to bring  hope into your home and to your kiddos. 

The wiseman had to keep on holding onto hope. They kept looking into the future. They kept looking at that star, and saying, "Follow it. Follow it. Follow it." And so, they did, but, at times, they got off track. And, they had to reset. We've had to do the same thing. Right? We've had to sit down on the couch. Or write some texts, and say some things that say,
"I'm sorry. I'm over the top crabby."
"I'm over the top with anxiety. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry I'm not talking to you, I'm going to do better at that."
"I'm sorry I didn't listen carefully, or kindly to you, I would like to change that. I would like to do this___."
"I'm going to start doing the laundry instead of you."
"Enough already. I'm going to put my phone down, when I walk into the house. And, I'm just going to be with us."
Okay, "I'm telling work no!  That when I come home, I get the hours from 5 until 9:30 (p.m.) for just us. I'll check back in from 9:30 to 10:00 (p.m.), and then I'm done."
You've reset some boundaries, because it helped to bring hope and connection and stability between the team that has to make it through 2020; you and your family. 

Back to the wisemen, they got to what they thought was their destination. They got to the palace of the King Herod. I believe it's King Herod. I didn't read my Bible about that this morning, but they got to the palace of the King. Oh, they were confused and hopes were dashed. They were at the wrong place. There was no king there besides King Herod.
We've been here too. We thought we got to the end of the COVID stuff; or the end of homeschooling days; or the end of working from home; or the end of not working; or avoiding loved ones; or not hugging. Summer came, and for many of us, life got somewhat easier. Tensions eased in some ways. But come Fall, we are now dismayed, disappointed, maybe even in some places distraught. We thought by Christmas, we'd be having celebrations about how this year was, and we made it through.
And, much like the wisemen, they thought they would be celebrating a new king. But, they were sent away, out of the palace, without so much of a glance at a new king. He wasn't there. Much like our hopes and anticipations of a vaccine, of wearing out the virus, would bring a celebration and joy. And instead, we're back on the road of separations, rules, missing those we love, trying to pretend like it's all okay. 

How's it going for you?
How's it going for your kids?
How numb are those emotions of yours on a one to 10 scale?
How hit and miss are your connections and relationships with those that you are usually close to?
What's your apathy rating?
What's your lonely rating?
What about the ratings for your kids?
What's happening with them?
As they started school reconnecting with friends, now there's a good chance they're back home again.
Take a few deep breaths here. And, take a few minutes, maybe 15 (minutes), if you're lucky. Sometimes the shower, or the bathroom, is the best place to get that work done, you know. Answer those questions in your heart, in your mind. Answer them. Take a few minutes. Turn off the TV. Stop YouTube.
And, watch your spouse, and talk about how your feelings towards each other.
Are we alive and vibrant?
Are we just slowly, sort of, becoming callous towards... why I've got to become callous towards everything else, so I become callous towards you too.
I have to pretend like I don't care. 

You see, the wisemen had to reevaluate their plan. They came to see a king, and they didn't. They ended up at a dead end. And, they had to look over their hopes and dreams too. Just go home? Oh my word... What are you going to tell your family when you do that? Okay, look at a plan, and say, "There's got to be a different place where this king is." They set a new goal towards a quieter place, a less known place, a small, insignificant town, Bethlehem. We have had to, and, I think as November and December has come, at least for me, I've had to reevaluate my plan and set a new goal. I’ve had to admit "It's gonna be quieter. It's going to feel more insignificant." But, like the wisemen, they went into Bethlehem (that quieter place), and they found a king. They experienced the joy and the anticipation that was held in check for them. For what we believe is months, to maybe even a year of travel, they held their anticipation and hope in check until finally in Bethlehem, in the small insignificant spaces, they found that King! 

So how about us?
How about you?
Can you reset and re-evaluate?
How do you want to get to the end of the journey?
It doesn't have the glitter, or the bounce, we thought would happen in January... the anticipation and the eagerness for a great new year.
Try this.
Prepare your heart to give energy and attention to those you are with. Also, in some ways, to those that you miss.
Prepare your mind to not mind being interrupted by your littles, or by your spouse, but instead to see it as an opportunity to connect with them and to give them the gift of you.
Prepare your body to have energy and strength. My subtle hint to this is lower your pot, lower your alcohol, lower your stress to the extent you can. Up your sleep and your good food. It will give your body the energy and the strength for the emotional space that you are in, and for the physical space that you're in. With those littles and with other people often around you 24/7, it takes a lot of energy and strength of your heart, your mind and your body.
Prepare (for) that. Be wise with it.
And then, prepare your ears for listening, not just to words, but to tones into approaches so that you can hear with your ears and with your hearts.

You see, our kids show up with us. They have energy, and they have desires. They too have been on a road to 2020, and their energy and desires are often to be near you, for comfort, for strength, for reassurance, and for growth. We've said it before, I'm just going to gently remind you, they want to follow you. They are going to follow you. So make sure that you are giving them an accurate path to a place of joy. Even though it feels like playing with Legos (or) reading that book for the 20,900th time is insignificant. It's significant to them.
Give hugs. Give kind looks. Do a smile.
Sink into someone's attempt at generosity, even though it's not perfect. Sink in... melt with someone's effort at tenderness, or kindness, because it will seem insignificant.
But as it builds, you will find that it strengthens and brings joy into your heart, in your mind, and into the person who offered it.
This has not been an easy year. But, I am hoping that as you reset, like the wisemen did, a powerful joy in the small and the big things will end up with wonderful memories for you. 

Thank you for joining me today. You know, this is not an easy conversation. It's not been an easy year. We're not done yet. But, I'm just going to continue to bring you a podcast the next few weeks that helps you bring a nice, big, red bow around this gift of 2020,  but doesn’t make you gag with optimism and joy that is manufactured and fake
We're gonna keep figuring out how to end 2020 with grace and with joy. You are worth it. Your family is worth it.
I look forward to talking with you next week. You, of course, can find the other podcasts on the Us and Kids website, or in your podcasting app. You, of course, can always grab the printable, because it's going to give you some of these hints about, "Oh yeah. What were we going to do? What is that thing about insignificant, that turns into joy?" Some of that will be in the printable. And, that will help you remember it in those moments of tension.
Thank you again for joining, and look forward to talking with you again next week.
Bye bye.