Transcript:  DAD:  Defined

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent togethe. You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

In this podcast we are going to focus on the word in the attributes of being a dad. 

Now, if you're not a dad, don't check out, because you probably know a dad somewhere.

 And as you listen to it, if you're in the not dad space, then just listen to it in ways that you can encourage, affirm, and be delighted with the dad attributes that are around you. 

If you are a dad, remember that being a dad is one of the most challenging jobs around. And that every day is different. 

Step up and do your best. Some days your best will look better than other days, because it's such a challenge.  And, it's perpetually changing because you are growing and changing, but also, because your kiddos are growing and changing. 

Everything here has some fluidity in it. It's like the smoothies that I make in the morning. There are never two that are the same, because I dump, and I mix, and I don't measure. But, dads are somewhat like that too. Anybody who is parenting knows that we have to be just as creative as every... well, I guess I thought, every Michigan day. Because we (as Michiganders) laugh and say, “If you don't like the weather, wait two minutes, and it will change!”  And sometimes is true when we're parenting. Not just because our kiddos shift and change, but also because we change. 

 

So, I just want to encourage you to stay with this podcast and listen and learn without being hypercritical. Find ways to simply say, "I'm going to step up and finish this year by using this_____  (attribute) a bit more - or less." Remember, if you want to hear good things about how to be a good dad; how to step up in parenting; how to understand your kids better; and how to be a better husband or wife, then sign up for this Us and Kids Podcast in your favorite podcasting app. Ask for a printable, and be sure that you get my email every week telling you what's coming next. It will encourage you and help your marriage and your home be fulfilling and so very, very good. 

 

Okay, so back to dads. We're going to take each letter: so D. A. D., and we're just going to talk about some attributes in each one of those letters. I just want to remind you that you, as a Dad, are a work in progress and in a process. 

I know - there are two Ds, and that means that we're going to talk about a lot of things that cover Ds. But, it's also going to be just sort fun! 

Dads are often DETERMINED, meaning they are Driven, intentional, or focused. Now this isn't about discipline, or about being harsh. This is about having an idea of what want to be remembered for, and known for, as being a dad. What attributes and qualities do you want your kids to develop? 

The one follows the other, and the kids are going to follow you. And so, when you are intentional about wanting your kids to know how to be kind; or, when you're intentional about wanting your kids to know how to do a task reasonably well for their age, you stay with it, without flying off the handle and wanting them to be a mini you. Being determined would be like saying, "Come on. Hold my hand. We're gonna try it one more time." And, you'll find ways in that focused place to encourage your kids to do the next step and to do it as best as they can do it. 

 

A three-year-old cannot clean the sink, or fold their clothes, the same way that a five-year-old will be able to because they don't have the fine motor skills to be able to do that. And, they can't really see how folding things makes it into a square. They don't have that visual idea built up in their minds yet. And, so you might be determined to help them do something with the laundry while you're working on it. Remember that really what you're doing is helping them learn how to do a task with you. So, dads are determined. 

 

What else is in that word determined? They are doing things. Determination has an action in it. It's a moving word. Meaning that there are things that are going on, and so, we're doing things. Being that we're active means that we are also interactive. Both active and interactive are important. You are active by being an active part of the family. Your role is so critical in a child's development, but also in family development life. We study both, and over and over, we noticed the role of dads in doing things: doing things with mom, doing things with the kids.  And, not just for them, but with them. Let's talk about John for a minute, because John is an active person. He works out. He goes to work. He does things with his friends. He takes care of his cars, and he loves the garage. He pays attention to the yard, and he'll help his wife on the inside, when she asked for it. He's active. These are all important things that need to be taken care of. But often, he's doing them alone and asking the kids to stay out of the way. And, there are times we have to have them out of the way. I understand that. I agree with that. But now...keep listening….

 

Doing for a dad also means being interactive. That means finding ways to include the kids in what you're doing. And so, John was going to rotate the tires on his car. And, he invited his little three-year-old to come on over, and he gave her a little step stool. And, he gave her the tools he was going to need. And, he asked her to hold them and hand them to him. And, they chatted the whole time he rotated the tires. He talked about how strong he had to be. He talked about having to match up the holes in the different lug nuts. When it was time to tighten them down, he invited her to hop off her stool, and give a push. Now, he was fairly good at changing tires and rotating tires, so, that didn't take really long. It was movement enough that she could stay engaged for three out of four tires, and they made a great memory around it. And, in fact, I have a little picture of John and his little three-year-old girl, and they are doing the tires together. It's very interactive and cute, That's what we invite you to do: Help your kids do what you're doing in whatever way they can do it. 

 

One more thing about being determined. So far, we're driven, and we're doing things, so we're focused and we're interactive. And often, dads have different directions  than moms. Different directions in what way? Well, they probably, often, will say, "This is how we do...” and then may talk about loading the dishwasher. The dad may  have a different way of doing that than mom does. And, dads have different directions about how to put on your shoes; or how to comb your hair; or how to spit that toothpaste down the sink. Your dad-like directions/instructions help you develop a unique relationship with your kids. And so, when a kiddo looks up at you and says, "Mom says I can't do it that way!" You can  say, "Oh, but I'm the dad. And when you're with me, you can do it this way."

And moms and dads, you have to be on the same page about this. A different direction, achieving the same goal, is going to be okay. It helps our kids see that there's more than one path. In the long run, helps them build out the idea that problem solving skills can come from a lot of different spaces. 

 

So let's move on. Time for the letter A. For D, we are driven, doing,, and often, have a different direction. That means we're determined. For the A is AFFECTIONATE. You think, "Oh no, nope. That's not me... nope, not me. Nope, you are wrong. Go find a different word for the letter A. Nope." 

Let's talk about it a second. Stay here, because affectionate often means that you're available. This means available to listen and to hear; available to comfort, available to instruct or lead. It means that you are not always torn in trying to do something else. There's always something else going on in the background - we know that. When we're stepping up our game in being a dad, and we're really going to be active in that dad role, then we're going to put down our phones and be with our kids. 

Available means that when the kids say "Hey Dad?" You can say, "Hey what?" Or "Hey Julie," and be right there with them. You see, available has with it not just physical presence, but it has eye contact, and touch, and tone. These things are so valuable to our kids, especially in these young ages because it builds this trust between you that says, "I will follow my Daddy anywhere." And, that brings us way down the parenting road to when our kids are 12, 13, 14 (years old), when your role of being a dad is so crucially important to your kids. And, you're going to try to give instructions and try to protect from dangerous actions and interactions. If they don't trust you, which is built way down here in this affection and available space, they aren't gonna buy your words and follow your lead in those teen years. I don't want to be scary. I just want you to just know so that you can do this. Build this space of being available, attentive, interacting with them, because it builds this trust. And, in the long run, it's going to save you time and anxiety.

What else is inside of AFFECTIONATE besides available? It's appreciate. First of all, appreciate the good traits about yourself. You're working hard at being a dad and people can berate you and judge you, and say, "Well, you don't do it like so and so!" 

You are you. Now, there could well be that there are places for you to grow into more. Just accept that and do it. That's part of being affectionate towards yourself. But also, appreciate the skills and the traits that you bring into the relationship that are good. 

One of those traits often is that dads might be a bit more adventuresome. You’re often a bit more risky. And sometimes, you just have this different take on thing that is really good for kids. It helps them develop another way of thinking. And, it's important. So appreciate the traits that you bring. And now, watch the beauty and the fun there is in appreciating the traits that your kids have. 

 

So, let's go back to John for a minute.  John has sort of been thinking about this “appreciate” thing. And, he has noticed that it was time for him to appreciate that he really just liked being outside with the kids. He was the best dad, when he was outside. What he also had come to appreciate is that two of his three kids had little tolerance for chilly weather. They lived in Michigan, and it's getting chilly. And so, he had to think of ways to balance both desires. He wanted to bond and play with his kids outside. They, often, didn't want to go outside. So, he had to appreciate this was where they were right now, and then, he turned creative.  And, he found names for each one of their shoes, or their boots, and he found cool socks that went with those boots. And, he made sure they had a great coat. Often, they just put on snow pants, so they were warm. There wasn't any snow, but he just said, "We're just going to warm you up, and we're going to have a treat when we come in." But, he, sort of, found a way to just build into his dad time, and said,  “Let's go!” And, they put on their boots together, and they put on their fun jackets, added snow pants if they wanted to, and outside they went. And, you are right, it lasted 20 minutes, if yJohn was lucky. But, therein, dad was available, affectionate, interactive. He also used D, he was determined. He was going to go outside. He was going to be interactive, and it was going to be in a different direction than Mom, who is unique. This is building the D and the A together. 

 

The other part to Affectionant  is a funny word: I'm going to use the word addicted. Not in the negative sense. What happens is when dads start to bond with their kids in this way (D’s and A’s together) it becomes a little addicting. You find out that you have fallen in love with your kids. And that, you just keep thinking about different ways to be with them and do things with them. And, that your heart does a little skip a beat when you're going home. And, even if you've gotten seven texts from childcare, or from mom at home, that says, "It's been a bad day. It's ugly. Get home. I'm out. You're in. I'm gone." You're Dad thought are, "Good. I love having the kids by myself. Here we go." Because you're addicted. This is what affectionate is. It bonds us in such a delightful wa, that there's joy with your kids and great love for them. And, as that happens, your patience grows, your creativity and problem solving ideas around bedtime; around food; around; "I don't want to;"  or what feels like the 17th temper tantrum. And, you can just stay with it, and in it, with them. Wrap those two together. Determined and Affectionate. 

 

And thirdly, we are DEDICATED. Dedicated defined means faithful or loyal. That's part of what the development of being a dad and growing into that identity means. A healthy Dad identity includes the attitudes and actions of dedication. Another word around that is devoted. It's truthful and loyal. When developing your identity, build in devotedness. That means you're truthful, and you're loyal. What else does that mean? You've got one, or two, or three, or four, or five kids floating around that house. Can you be devoted to all of them? Yes. Can you be loyal? This means that you are faithful, or you were true to what you say. Not in a harsh way, but in a consistent way, so they know that you are dependable. 

 

Part of what being dedicated is includes being devoted and dependable. It's also daring. Daring to stand your ground in leading, but also, daring to change, when you have new information that says, we should go in a different direction. It will impact the determined in some ways. It will make it so that you are able to speak the truth with love. We are going to change our plans, because Johnny is having such a bad day.. I'm picking on Johnny today, sorry... Anyways, Johnny, he is having such a bad day right now that maybe he's not feeling well. So, we are going to stay inside, instead of going outside. We can still put on our boots, but because we want Johnny to be with us, we're going to do the inside games here, instead of outside. You're just going to speak the truth. We're going to do it with love, without shame. This does take courage. 

 

So dads, be daring with your love. And then, be disciplined. This is another part of being dedicated is being disciplined. This is not disciplining your children. That comes under leadership and showing your kids how to live life well. This discipline is being under control of your self. This is about your own personal growth. It means that you have your emotions, your money, your habits, your phone, your thoughts, and your behavior choices under control. This is not easy. That's why it's called discipline. Discipline is a practice that we do, because we know what's good for us.  It will also be good for those that are around us in the long haul. 

And so, let's just pay attention to sort of how we define discipline. It's a practice of keeping ourselves under control. This means that we are keeping our thoughts and our emotions in conversation with each other. In our DNA For Fun Communications Course, we often talk about this practice of keeping ourselves and managing our emotional me. These things are really important, not just for our own parenting, and keeping that overall goal of what do we want our kids to end up like; what do we want this ending dad story to be like in focus. It's also about helping our kids see this is how we live balanced with our emotions and with our thoughts. We're going to talk about kids next week, but this week this is about you, and how you are disciplined, blending thoughts and emotions. Keeping ugly things out of your heart and mind in life will help you teach your kids how to do that too. And, that shows your dedication to them. 

 

You can hear that in each one of these words: DETERMINED, AFFECTIONATE, and DEDICATED all have some self sacrifice in it. There are things you set aside to become the best dad. There are also things that you gain. When you sacrifice one thing, you gain something else that is rich, and delightful, and satisfying. 

I want to encourage you, Dads, and those of you that are around dads, to remember that being a dad is not an easy task. We have so many pressures around us. So many expectations, and they are hard to pull off. 

 

As you sit down and talk with people around you, as you're around the holiday tables conversations, Zoom chats, whatever it is, and you're talking about how your Dad-year was you might find yourself saying, "Yeah, I sucked as a dad this year." Or, "Yeah, you know, it was a great time, because my kids were always home we had so much more time together." 

Either way, or whatever is in between...Take a look at what was good, and what you want to improve on. Don't stay in the negative. Instead, continue to find ways to move to the positive. 

Encourage each other. Encourage the dads around you. Share this podcast with him, so that you have something to bounce off from, and how else you would maybe make the acronym around these 3 letters: DAD. 

Stay tuned. We are going to start a new cohort of our Communications Course soon. It's going to give you the opportunity to learn how to think and how to react as a dad, as a mom, as a parent, and as a spouse, or a partner. There are so many different and challenging marriage and parenting spaces, we have filled those spaces in so many ways this year! We're gonna keep looking at how can we just soften the rough edges that may have developed and keep moving ourselves into the best space we can be given the pressures  we've been under in 2020. 

 

Once again, thank you for joining me. I appreciate your time and your attention. I'm cheering for you wherever you are in this big world. Have fun being a dad. Have fun with the dads you are around. We'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.