Transcript:  Thanksgiving Grief and Gratitude

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent togethe. You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

Well look, you probably know what week this is, at least in America, it's Thanksgiving week. It's a week that we take to remember that we have many, many good things... freedom, and ways of work, good friendships and connections... so many good things. And, it's important now and then, to take that pause and to be grateful for what we have. Oh maybe, if you're even lucky, you might get to go Black Friday shopping or Cyber Monday shopping. On top of that, as a way to show your thanks to others in your lives by giving them some wonderfully good gifts. 

But I'm gonna make a turn on this, because for some of us, this year has been tough to find anything thankful in it. It has had challenges we never thought we would have. It has had death, loneliness, loss of income, fear of the unknown, a new sense of the things we cannot control and the unsettling emotions that come with it. I'm sure you can add other things. A year of stress, arguments, being on different pages about priorities, use of time, what good health care looks like, how to live in the same house 24-7 with all of you. 

And now, even Thanksgiving is messed up. Once again, nothing seems normal. Things that were fun now have stress and disconnectedness in them, even when it's just Thanksgiving fun and football. And, if you're like me, you're tired of the usual being twisted into being unusual. And, you're tired of being creative about it. So when someone might say, "Oh, let's be thankful." You might just want to like barf a little in your mouth. What? Not like in front of them, but just a little. You might just be exhausted and trying to see the good is hard. And, trying to see the good through the bad is exhausting, because it feels like we're trying to ignore the bad, and there's too much to ignore. 

Which leads us to what to do with Thanksgiving? So here are some approaches in managing this holiday, and maybe Christmas as well, and any other situations in between. 

One of these skills is just acknowledge your grief. Understand that some people are not going to want to hear it. Don't acknowledge it to them, unless you want to have an intense conversation, and you have the energy for it. In your own heart and mind, in your journaling, in your singing, acknowledge your grief. Parts of this year have had lots of loss: of people, of hopes, of connections, financial stability, career achievements, and even loss of identity of who we are and who we thought we would be. The situations can create and pull different characteristics out of us we didn't know we had. We aren't really glad we found them. We find ourselves able to be more snarky or more snippy. We find ourselves drinking more, sleeping more, adding 22 pounds. You would add other things to your list that you want to grieve: the people that have died or moved away; the people you haven't been able to see due to COVID-19; as well as those loss of jobs, and money, and pets; and disconnection with kids, your children, or with your parents, or with your grandpa and grandma. And grief is normal. It is a healthy reaction to loss. Grieving is healthy when we have loss. Grieving means that you might feel sad, or empty, or confused, or befuddled, or angry, or depressed, or just wanting things to go back to the way they were. These are normal reactions to grief. I listed them as if they were this one, or this one, or this one. But often, they're all of them. And they're all mixed up, and they can fly through your body 49 times a day. And, it's exhausting. 

What do we do with grief? My suggestion is when you have a few minutes by yourself, instead of sleeping or zoning out on your phone do this: Take some spiritual space. This means quiet space. For me, it would mean journaling with Jesus, with His thoughts on what I know about His character, there alongside me. But it could also be talking with a good friend, and just putting into words your sadness and your grief. 

When we talk about journaling, we don't mean English sentences, like what you would turn in for a paper, for a teacher in school that could be graded in high school or whatever. We just mean putting your thoughts into actual words onto actual paper, because this cleans up your brain and moves your brain and your emotions around to give room for some relief. Give it real space. Give your grief real space and validity. 

If you need to, give your grief some attention every day. Give it a place to be alive. Pay attention to it, like you would a child or a pet. As you give some attention to it, not all day, not sitting in a puddle of tears all day, but as you give some attention to it, you will see that there are other thoughts that grow out of it. That gives you some forward movement. If you're too stuck here, then, of course, you're going to find a good therapist in your area. Or you're going to email me, and I'm going to help you find a therapist in your area. Right? You're going to talk with a good friend or your doctor, if you're too stuck. (My email is [email protected] if you want help finding a therapist:) 

Right now, in looking towards the holidays, which everybody says are supposed to be wonderful, and often, the truth is, they often are not wonderful. I invite you to just give some room to acknowledge what we have lost. It will also, (don't barf!), but it will also help us see what we have. So, along with this grieving, you might have the energy to be able to note in your writing or in your mind why you grieve these things or people. What do you miss about them? 

You see, we grieve things that are precious to us; things that brought value; things that helped us be interested and alive; they brought us competence, or maybe safety. And so, when we pay attention to why we are grieving... what aspect of that person or that event we are grieving, then, we can begin to see the good that is there. And that might, could be still there. As we do this, those feelings of confidence, and joy, and aliveness can awaken. Not like a bouncy three year old, but just awakened, like stretching... just some at a time. This doesn't deny the grief. It gives the grief room to move. 

A couple weeks ago, we talked about cleaning the refrigerator, and the things that get moldy. If we don't give grief some space and some air to move around, it becomes moldy and ugly. And it's not supposed to stay in our beings or in our refrigerators. And so, pay attention. Why are you grieving, and what do you miss? Give it some space for writing, for thinking, for talking. Now for those of you who are grieving, but you haven't been able to, won't be able to be by grandpa and grandma, or mom and dad, or your best friends over Thanksgiving, I'm inviting you, do not deny the sadness. And then, I invite you along with sadness, to notice why you will miss them. And, that you are missing them.

Now grandpa and grandma for me, remind me of unconditional love. They might remind you of sweet tenderness they gave you over the years; or of their funky sense of humor; or the way they put up with each other. And those actions and attitudes from grandpa and grandma, you haven't been able to see for a while. And so, it's hard to copy them, because you haven't seen them. As you remember them, as you FaceTime them, or talk to them on the phone, take time to bring up some of those things that you liked about them and that you miss, because it reawakens those attributes in grandpa and grandma. And, it also reawakens those attributes in you. Put it into words. Have a little courage. Put it into words. Some people make a poem. Some people draw a picture. And, then they explain it through the poem or picture if  saying it straight out is too much. 

So you see, if you look at the good things that are included with your good people and experiences that you miss, you can realize you do have some power and influence in creating good things this Thanksgiving season. They may not be the same things. They aren't going to be the same for me, I know that. But they could and they might be able to have some of the same energy or qualities that create a delightful memory, and that's what you're after. Not a stellar memory, but something that has some delight in it. And I agree, when we are holding sadness in one space for ourselves, and trying to create, or at least not stop, a happy face for ourselves or others - this takes intention. It takes energy, and it takes focus. So, team up with somebody, so you could do it together. You can wink. You can smile. When they're scowling, you can wink at them, or come and rub their shoulder for a minute. That pulls you back together, and together you have double strength. So, it might mean that from noon until 3:30, you and your team mate, your spouse, your kiddos, somebody else in your circles, or your bubbles, have teamed up, and you've created a scavenger hunt, a football betting pool, and some stuff to decorate cookies. These were things you didn't do in other years, so they're going to create some new memories around this new mix of an experience. 

And, you could decide, partly from listening to the podcast right before this about Happy Hour, that you're going to take on the challenge of learning something new and staying realistic about the old. This means that you will move. You are in control of your emotions. Your emotions will move into confidence, compassion, and optimism.  You will probably be able to use those on the front, more visible side of your interactions. This clears the back seat for your sadness and grief.  Not as if kicking them totally out, although if you want it to excuse them for the day and give them the day off, that could be fine too. It does mean you might have to force some smiles and some energized tones, out of your mouth. Here's what happens as we do that, and we become the boss of our emotions: our brains lighten up. Actually more electrical lights/movement go on in your head, and the pathways to lightheartedness, competition that's friendly and good, camaraderie all reawaken. They light up - and so will your heart!

Okay, I want you to be sure that you hear this. I'm not suggesting that this work is easy. I'm suggesting it is worthwhile... worth your while, worth your energy. Turn off your phone and do some of it. The first 15 seconds are the hardest, and as you get started, you'll see that it has relief in it. Work on it yourself, and work on it with your spouse. Talk about it  with your kids that are old enough to understand and join in the conversation about how shall we do Thanksgiving?  Help them be a part of creating the new memory and experience, so that has good value and purpose for everybody. It will help you and your family feel like and actually be stronger.

Being able to hold both sadness and happiness in your Thanksgiving memories is a bit like sweet and sour. And over life and through time, for yourself and for your kids, knowing how to do this skill of holding sadness and happiness together will build optimism and strength, appreciation for the past, and hope for the future. So I am wishing you this week and in this season, a sweet and sour, a strong and passionate Thanksgiving. 

We have included two printables here today, not just one. The first one is just about this podcast.  The way the printable usually is.  It has a few reminders and some suggestions. The second one is an acrostic about Thanksgiving. So if you just need an little something else to create some thoughts and interactions for the day,  then grab that printable as well.  We printed it last year, and we're just rerunning it, so that you have a little extra in your house of something to do. 

Now once again, I want to thank you for listening, for being a part of my weekly life here. In chatting with you, and imagining your faces, and what your situations are, I am hoping that I encouraged your hearts and your minds to be married well and to parent well. 

Of course, you can always sign up and join the Facebook page, so that you get a little more interaction from us. Each podcast, even this one, we teach a little bit from the DNA Communications Course. Stay tuned, because this next cohort and class run is going to start soon. And, this will give you the opportunity to learn how to think and react to all of these different challenging marriage and parenting spaces. We work on marriage and parenting together  so that it’s effective and efficient, and it stays compassionate. Visit the Us and Kids website to get all the information. I sure look forward to meeting you there and talking with you soon. And, I wishing for you a blessed and joyful Thanksgiving weekend. Bye bye.