Transcript:  Marriage and Family Happy Hour!

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent togethe. You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

We're going to talk today about Happy Hour. Now you may think, oh, Happy Hour... when is Happy Hour? I would have to get out of the house to have Happy Hour. I haven't left the house in months. My question is could there be a Happy Hour at your house? I didn't say an alcohol hour. I was just talking about a Happy Hour. Hmmm... How about a happy minute? How about a happy event? Or, is it just make it through the day? Sort of, don't kill anyone. Not that you would kill anyone. But the saying means don't let your emotions become too ugly. 

Did you know that in November there is actually a celebration, or a day set aside for celebrating Happy Hour. Actually, the idea apparently dates back to the days of Aristotle. For us Americans, it dates back to early Navy days when the guys regrouped after a busy day at sea. The idea eventually spread around the world. After a hard day at work, get together to just chill and relax., It is usually centered around alcohol. But alcohol began to become a problem, so much so that, interestingly enough, some states and countries have banned Happy Hour, as it relates to the sale of alcohol. Who knew? However, just because they banned alcohol doesn't mean we can't still have Happy Hours in our homes. 

Hmm, the question is, first of all, what is happy? We know that happy is usually listed as an emotion. But emotions are fleeting, and finicky, and temperamental. At least mine are. And, even when they want to stick around, it’s usually not the happy ones that hang around in my head, it's the crabby ones. 

So where do you get happy, and how do you get happy to stay? You're right. I mean we can't always guarantee that what makes us happy one minute will really make us happy the next. And to compound that, we can't guarantee that what makes other people in our household happy in one moment, will be happy the next. Goodness sakes, right? Just check in with your two year old who  one minute wanted that cracker, and the next minute threw it on the floor. 

So we're going to take a little look at what are the components of happiness. This is going to be true for your little ones, your 7- 12 year olds, your teenagers, and even you adults. So this is a multifaceted application. Take a listen. 

There are three approaches, or stepping stones, each one building on the other that builds deeper happiness. There are a lot of studies out there about happiness. I have picked this one to talk about today, because it seems like it fits within our podcasting time. And, I think that it's applicable, easily enough, for you guys to do in your busy everyday lives.

Here's the first step. The first step of happiness, or place of happiness, is in that finicky, emotional space. It's where you'll find enjoyment or pleasure in something that's small and simple. It's what makes us smile, or giggle, or a pleasure. So, sometimes this is just somebody being kind to us. Sometimes, it's when your two year old actually went potty in the potty. It's when your husband, your spouse, says, "I'll help you with that." The small things... it makes us smile; makes us laugh; and helps us have compassion or generosity towards others. Usually when we're happy, we feel safe or comfortable with those that we are around. This is a component of that emotional experience that is safe and comfortable. Happy often helps to build our confidence that we are liked, and we are appreciated, or we are needed. 

In our DNA Communications Course, we understand that so much of the fighting and the tension within us is about whether or not we are liked. So, what it looks like on the surface is usually, underneath a worry about what we need. Are we liked? As you can see, these surrounding components: Am I liked? Am I safe? Am I comfortable? Those things are important for creating spaces of happiness in your home, or in your Happy Hour at home. 

So if you want a little more bounce of happiness in just the brief emotional experiences,  then this is step one. Speak to the question that hides within and say loving, affirming words to each other. This has to be done in order for step two to work. Work to create those spaces, by saying,  "I love that about you." Not just I love that. That's about the cracker that they gave, or the water they brought to you or whatever. “I love that about you. That you thought of me.” That says, "I like you." And, that builds happiness. 

You're getting the takeaway here, aren't you, for step one? Build up in your household. Talk with your spouse, and those you live with about giving compliments, affirmations, encouragement, high fives, smiles, and the words, "You can do it," and "I'm proud of you." And "Please," and "Thank you." Those are some of the comments along with the looks and attitudes, that help people feel relaxed enough to let the emotion of happiness come to the surface. 

I hope that some part of your Happy Hour is filled with those kinds of happy interactions coming out of your mouth. As you share it, more happiness will come out of someone else's mouth. This is when everybody around the table starts to smile, or giggle, and relax a little more. When we have these kinds of uplifting words and interactions, we can feel more confident. And, that is when the next step to feeling happy, in the long run, comes our way. 

Because step two for growing happiness is when we take on a challenge, or a bit more difficult activity. It is different depending on your age. Two and three year olds can take on different challenges that a 13 year old, or a32 year old. No matter what age, the challenge should be one that we most probably can succeed at.  So it’s not an over the top in difficulty or something you wouldn't be able to do anyways, but something that you probably can do. It's just a little bit outside your wheel well, and you succeed! When we succeed at something that pushes our skills just a little bit, this sense of happiness, a sense of accomplishment grows. You see, when we learn something new, and we succeed at it, we grow in confidence and that helps us grow in compassion. Those two elements are key in what we just talked about in step one for feeling happiness. It’s the growth in confidence of ourselves that we can do something a bit bigger than what we thought we could that boosts the sense of happiness. 

I am not a good cook. I don't really like to cook food. I like to bake fun things. So when I try a new cooking (not baking) recipe, and it works out, I feel a little more confident. And I'm pretty proud of myself, happy that I actually did something that really tastes pretty good. I might be willing to serve it to somebody else (compassion). 

Now think about what do you do, and watch your little ones, when they do something by themselves. I was with my grandkids. Monday is Grandma Day. And, the little four year old put on his Batman tennis shoes, and he stood up straight and walked to me. And he said, "I did it by myself." I can tell you those shoes are not easy to put on, especially when you won't wear socks. And, I can tell you those shoes were certainly on the wrong feet. They looked funny. And yet, he was proud of himself. He took on the challenge and did it. He took on the challenge of his two little shoes. He was proud because he had accomplished getting them on his sweaty, sockless feet! I was proud of him. We smiled. We high fived, and we went outside. (In Michigan when it's 75 degrees in November, you go outside!). He took on the challenge, and he succeeded at it, and that gave him more confidence. He felt safe around me to tell me. He felt safe enough with those shoes on backwards. He ran around with them for two and a half hours. Winning at a challenge builds our confidence and our belief in ourselves. 

Here's another example, Susie, she's seven. Mom asked her to please move the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Susie knew the difference between the washer and the dryer. That part is good. But, she didn't really know what it took to move laundry from washer to dryer. So she started to whine and say she couldn't. Mom knelt down by Susie, eye to eye, and told her, "I want you to go and open the top. And then, I want you to make sure that the dryer door is open too. You have to pull, sort of hard, to get it to open. But pull hard, and it will open." And then, she said, "I want you to just take out one or two things at a time. Just reach your hand in the washer. It won't bite you, and pull up one thing, and then push it into the dryer. Okay, it might be sort of stretchy, you might have to tug at it a little bit, but it's okay. Just tug at it a little bit. Be strong. And then, throw it into the dryer." Mom said, "When everything is empty, you can stick your head down in there and look, the washer won't start. And then, when you're done, just push the dryer door closed strong. And then, push the start button." Susie had pushed the start button before. 

Mom smiled at Susie, she was looking her in the eye and gave her clear confident instructions. Susie felt happy. Mom was sure of her. And, when Susie got up to the washing machine and got everything but Dad's jeans and the big towels out of the washer, Mom didn't scold Susie for not being able to get everything. She just showed Susie a little bit more about how to grab the corner one of those big things and tug it a little stronger so that it came loose. Susie did have to trust she wasn't going to fall in the washer when she pulled out those things. As Susie tried it and was able to do it, Susie and Mom giggled as one of the pant legs came out first, just dangling all over Susie.

 And, you can see Susie took on the challenge because of Mom's confidence, and Susie was  able to accomplish most of it on her own. Mom, with joy, not crabbing at her, continued to teach her, and encourage her, and together, they won! ...Not just in how to move stuff from the washer to the dryer, but also how Susie and Mom build trust with each other. That Mom was for her. That Mom believed in her, and that helped Susie trust Mom that what Mom was asking her to do was going to be good for her. 

Let's move on. Because right now, we have that finicky just emotional experience, right? And then, we're going to build on that. The momentary part of happiness by adding a bit of a challenge that we're pretty sure we can do, even if it needs a little support. 

The third part  has to do with setting goals. Now pause. Don't groan just yet, because I sort of agree with you. Setting goals feels like a chore, and it feels intimidating and judgemental. And, even when I set my own goals, it can feel that way. Heck, if I don't meet my goals, then I easily can feel like a failure. And, that doesn't feed into being happy at all for me. So hang with me here a minute. Hear me out. 

The backstory to setting goals is more about our personal approach to life. This is a much bigger umbrella type overview. The people that study happiness are aware that how we approach life, how we think about life impacts how we are going to feel about it...how happy we are going to feel about life. The edges of the spectrum of thought about life might be on the one side that life is going to be good, or, on the other end,  it's going to be ugly and awful. And, how we think about life impacts our positivity level. Now, you might say, "I'm a realist." "I'm a pessimist, and want to be proud of it." And, I'm going to suggest to you that those are good qualities, when mixed in with positivity. Running all the way just on positive is not going to be very healthy. But also, running just on your realistic or your pessimistic level, is also not very happy and healthy. Here we go. We want to be able to blend those in some level in a way. 

If we take the bumps that we have throughout life, and we interpret them into victim language and belief then we will have more struggles experiencing lifetime happiness.Victim thoughts might be, "They're always after me. I always end up in the bottom." "Or, I'm the martyr. I always have to give in. I always do everything for everyone. Nobody does anything for me." If we take on life with either the victim or martyr approach, it becomes a bigger struggle to access those emotions of contentment or happiness. Likewise, if we hold grudges and resentments, because they seem more protective than forgiveness, we will have a bigger struggle of moving to this third layer of happiness and contentment. 

However,  in your self evaluation, be sure to be gentle on yourselves. We'll get past this, okay? If you notice that you can be easily insulted, quickly spiteful, good at insulting and belittling, or deeply cruelly sarcastic towards others, these are clues for you and understanding yourself that moving to this deeper life perspective of happiness might be a bigger challenge. This doesn't mean you won't do it. Don't hear that about this. It's not impossible, but it will take some focused intention to rewrite some of those thoughts to ones that are more true and optimistic. 

 Well, some of you are thinking, "Oh Jan, you don't know my life. If you'd walked in my shoes, you'd be angry too. I really am. I really was the victim. And, I really do get the short end of the stick all the time." Stay with me as I would like to say to you, and I hope that you can hear this, that so much of life for many people is ugly. Life is not all pretty. Even if you're pretty happy people. It's not all pretty. Everybody has a story and a life and your story and life are real too.  

If you are in this spot of ugly right now, I would like you to listen to this segment with an option of looking at it as an avenue of hope. There are actions and interactions that certainly create a victim space for us. It is not uncommon that someone has used us or abused us. The challenge, the goal setting, is for us to not let them, not give them, the power to create our identity and hold us in that place. As we give them,(ie: those that have used us or abused us), the power to define us as abused, not okay, damaged goods, we also give them the power to control our identity. But it is your identity, not theirs.  If we can, bit by bit, (the goals here are small), just keep chugging away at changing the ugly lies of nothingness, unworthiness and ugliness into words and beliefs of light and truth such as valuable and valued, worthy of honor and protection, beauty within the life scars, and you'll find that your happiness grows over time. We can defy those who want to create an ugly identity within us, we can defy them by creating the space that says, "I will win. I will be kind, and I will be truthful." 

Remember those first elements in the first step there. I will not copy the behavior of those that have hurt me. You can hear you have to set up a challenge. And, in the section just above this, this challenge is to learn something new. And, it might be just this, a new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe not all the way different, at the moment, but one little segment of it. Maybe you can think of yourself as, as when I'm parenting my kiddos, I am a kind and generous Mom. And, when I can feel the intensity and the fear grow inside of me, my challenge will be to take a breath and step aside for a minute. Because that way, I'm going to win at being a Mom. "I am worthy of giving myself honor and self respect. I have value. I contribute in ways that are good for people around me." Now, some of these might be a challenge. And set up the challenge, track it. Write it down and do it. This is not quick. It is good and long-lasting.  

That first step one is emotions that are fleeting, they don't stay around for a while. The second step is to set up a challenge to get yourself to continue to try new things to think of things a little bit different, a little bit better. The third part is to set longer range goals about what is my mindset about myself.

Because I'm a Christian, I often have to reset my mind to remember that Jesus loves me, has deeply forgiven me, and is not ashamed of me. I am best when I remember that His mindset is the more accurate one. And, I have to continue to challenge myself to buy into that truth. 

Take a look. Who are you following? What mindset do you want to have? And now, set goals to continue to get there. These are lifetime goals, but they build a lifetime of happiness. And that's some of what we're after here. It's not just fleeting happiness, but a base for happiness.

I'm sort of inviting you to look at what annoys you? What ticks you off? What creates sadness or dismay inside of you? Continue to be real about your emotions, as well as being gracious, because that means that you can give the benefit of the doubt, to yourself and others, and you can more easily forgive. So, of course, this would include understanding others perspective and yours, not necessarily agreeing with everybody, but just understanding it. Others, of course, live and feel differently than you and that creates different approaches to things. When we see others through their lenses, we can hang on to the compassion that works in both building happiness in a challenge, but also builds happiness in the small pleasures. 

Let's go back to Susie. Okay, change it up a little bit. The story could have gone this way. Susie's Mom and Dad are not very happy or confident people. They don't tell Susie about their love for her, or their confidence in her very often. So, when Mom asks Susie to go move this stuff from the washer to the dryer, Susie says, "I don't want to." And, she just tells Susie, "Just do it." I said, "Just do it."

 Mom doesn't really encourage. She doesn't give any explanation about how to do it, so Susie continues to resist and whine. This makes mom feel like a bad mom, not a happy man, because their little girl won't even move the stuff from the washer to the dryer. How hard can this be? Susie's not cooperating with anything, which must mean that Mom is a bad Mom. You can see here that, because Mom is down on herself, she is crabby towards Susie as well. And, Susie has a choice in her own little seven year old brain. She can stomp up to the washer and the dryer. Yank the clothes out of the washer. Throw them in the dryer while some of them just fall on the dirty floor. Oh well. Close the dryer door. Don't start it, and walk away. Yeah, she probably knew the dryer had to be started, but she's just doing what Mom said. "Move this stuff from the washer to the dryer, and I guess that's how you do it." 

So, Mom goes back to check and realizes Susie never started the washer and left some clothes in a heap, on the messy floor, and Mom's angry! She calls Susie over there. She says, "Look at this!" Mom is a victim of Susie's behavior, but Susie is the victim of Mom's behavior. 

So, Mom has to listen to this podcast and do some thinking about her own approach to parenting in her own life. When Mom comes up to Susie and is sitting in the La-Z-Boy says to Susie, "Hey Susie, I noticed the stuff today got moved from the washer to the dryer, but the dryer didn't get started." Susie starts to yell, "It's not my fault. It's not my fault." And, Mom smiles towards Susie and softens her tone of voice, and says to Susie, "I'm not mad at you. I think you goofed. I think I goofed. I didn't really tell you how to do it. I just bossed you around. And... I think we would be better, we would be better, if I had talked it through with you, or showed you how to do it. I'm really sorry. You really did a pretty good job for never having done it before. So, thank you for taking on that challenge and doing a pretty good job the first time." 

Oh, Susie hasn't remembered her Mom talking that honestly and clearly to her before. She's not too sure what to think of this new Mom. But she can feel in her heart that she's a little more settled and calm, and safe. Mom can feel it too. 

So Mom, because she's the parent and the leader, put a note in her head, and on her dresser, and on her phone to remember to be more soft, more smiley and more encouraging. And when Mom did this with Susie, Susie became more cooperative. 

She skipped and jumped more than she's done. She giggled and she smiled. So did Mom, then so did Dad. And then they begin to have a Happy Hour and a happy home together.. not every day, but lots of days. 

And that's my wish for you too. That you will use these three steps to continue to build a happy home, and happy hours and hours of happiness in your home. 

Thank you for listening and joining me. We have a Facebook page for you to look up other things on. We also teach a little bit about DNA For Fun Communications Course in each podcast. And this certainly had parenting information in it, and emotional control information in it, both of which we approach as we talk about how to parent well and be married well together in the Communications Course. 

Stay tuned. We're going to start a new section of that Course soon. It will give you the opportunity to learn how to think and react to all those different challenging marriage and parenting spaces. This Course is effective and efficient, and compassionate. Visit the Us and Kids website to get the information. I look forward to meeting you there, and talking with you soon. Talk to you later. Bye bye.