Transcript:  Clean Your Refridge!

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent togethe. You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

Today, we're going to talk about something I think all of us have... one or two of them, maybe? For me, right now, I have two little ones outside and one inside. It's my refrigerators. And yes, I have a couple outside for summer time fun because of the amount of beverages, not all of them alcoholic, that we go through. I'll turn one of them off come winter time. But you know, the one inside my house stays on all the time. Just recently, one of my kids said to me, about my refrigerator, "Mom, what's the matter?" I said, "I know there's not much in there, is there?" And they were like, "Yeah, Mom, usually it's stuffed." And I said, "Well, I was gonna go away for a little while.” So, you know, we went on a little vacation, which we're back from now. But, I was gonna just let the food go away.  The kids said, "We haven't seen your refrigerator this empty in a long time!!" 

The nice thing, or not so nice, about an empty refrigerator is that I could see how dirty my refrigerator was without all that food stuffed inside there. And then, I looked at my calendar of what's today about, and I saw that coming up in November... November 15th is Clean Your Refrigerator Day!! Did you know there was such a day? Cleaning Your Refrigerator Day? Once a year, you should do it. I don't know if you can do it on November 15. I'm not doing mine on November 15, I know that. What I do know is that cleaning your refrigerator and what you find inside your refrigerator as you clean it, can be very similar to cleaning yourself and your relationships. We're all about marriages and families and having them be good, and clean, and efficient, with love and with joy. And so, I thought, let's talk about refrigerators and relationships. Hmm... I know you're thinking, really? Are we going to do that? And my answer is yes, we really are going to do it. 

So, the outside of my refrigerator often looks fairly nice. Defining nice... it's full of grandkid pictures. But, I'm not really a fan of all the fingerprints and the sticky on the handles. So I like to keep the parts of the refrigerator that we can see, that's like the parts not covered in pictures, fairly clean. I don't know about you. The outside I want to look pretty good, presentable and inviting.  I don’t want someone to say, "Ooh, I'm not touching that handle." But instead, like, "Oh, let's go in here, and see what we find." 

We can compare that outside of our refrigerator to the outside of us. We want to look good. We're fairly nicely decorated. We put up a nice picture that we're full of relationships, and that everything is great. And, it can look like an invitation to look inside. But sometimes, when we go inside my refrigerator, or into getting to know a person more, we discover that the door on the outside, the outside presentation, is a bit different than the inside one. Let’s go inside and see what we find!

So my refrigerator, probably like yours, has shelves on it. And, my shelves are sort of organized, at least in the beginning of a new grocery run in terms of, this goes on this shelf, and this goes on that shelf until there's a little bit of organization. The most clear one is that I have a shelf for all of my little individual yogurts, because I eat one a day. There's a shelf that holds some milk. There's a long, skinny shelf that holds long and flat things. When I go through some of those shelves, I find that, sometimes, I have some very interesting things snuck into the very back of them. I haven't paid any attention to them. Sometimes I haven't paid attention to them for months. And, it's good, now and then, to look through my shelves and go, "Oh yeah, I still have some more caramel sauce. Oh yeah, I thought it was out of sour cream. Now, I have three of them." Because I didn't pay close attention, and it's a good thing, now and then, for me to look through those shelves and say, "Okay, what needs to go where? How do I rearrange this? Let's get things back in their place. And, what don't I need anymore? What's too old, too yucky? Gonna dump it." 

The same can be true in my life, probably in yours too, maybe even in your relationship lives, as well. We have them somewhat organized, but then as life goes on, they get messy, and that creates some confusion. And so, when you go to someone, and usually they say, "Yes, I'll gladly help you get stuff to the car." But then they go, "Quit asking me! Do it yourself!"  You are like, "I thought helping me was usually on this shelf, at about 7:30 or 8:00 o'clock or 10 o'clock at night, and all of a sudden; it's not?" And, we get confused. 

Look into your self a little bit. How is your life organized? Is it reasonably, not perfectly, but reasonably organized, so that you can find the emotions and the thoughts that you need for the different situations around you? Ones that you need to use for talking with just your husband, and your wife, as a spouse and adult. Ones that you need for talking with your kiddo, who is so tired after daycare or after school and just doesn't have a calm or cooperative space inside of them. Look at your shelf with them, and see what you can do to clean it up so that there's room to function kindly and effeciently. 

So, when my refrigerator was so empty, the other thing I noticed is that if I took everything off the shelf, I could clean the shelves and the refridge walls. And, some things were not sliding around on the shelves so very nicely. Stuff had gotten gooey, gone sideways, overrun a little bit, the cover wasn't on just right. And, the walls on the side of the refrigerator were gross. It didn't take long to grab a rag, to run some hot water, and to wash them off a little bit. And, it really made the whole refrigerator look better. 

The walls and the shelves for us are sort of the framework or our boundaries. And, there are times when those boundaries are sticky, or they're confused. And, we can't move freely from one space to another without getting stuck or hung up on an old memory, or a tone of voice that just grates on you, or a look that stops you cold. These are the gooey sticky things on your shelves. And, every now and then, it's important to take them out, and clean them off. Sometimes you can do this with somebody, whatever it is that got spilled. So maybe, it's around finances? Maybe it's around leaving dishes out? Maybe it's around time and use of time, and feeling like somebody is lazy, as opposed to being helpful and in it with you? Those are things that can just stop everything else in the refrigerator, everything else in the relationship, from becoming easily moved around and easily found. The emotions that you need, and the thoughts you need, can get stuck on somebody else's attitude or your own attitude. And, every now and then, it's time to clean it up... without animosity, without anger, and without disgust. Just a sigh and saying, "It's time for this to go." It isn't always easy. But once we clean our shelves and the walls of our own hearts and minds, and we do this, then also, with our relationships, and we clean off a little bit, things are much better. 

So we've done our shelves. We've organized them a little bit, and now we're gonna get to those big drawers and those cubbies. Right? The things that hold our fruits and our vegetables, maybe our deli meat and our cheese, and then, all those condiments that go on the side. And, those things can just gather grunge, at least in my house they can. Sometimes I forget, "Oh yeah, I had that extra thing of lettuce, that's gone gooey. Oh look, that lime is gross. This orange got moldy." And, I don't always grab it and clean it out right away. Sometimes I don't even notice it. Maybe that's true for you too! 

These drawers and cubbies are the things that represent our everyday life. And, if we don't keep track of our everyday life activities, and attitudes, and actions, they can quickly create some mold, and some smell, and some yuck. They can go bad fast. These are the things that we should use every day, but sometimes we forget. They are the, "I love you." "You know, you are so precious to me." "Aww, I cherish you." "How sweet of you." "You are the nicest person ever." "This smile of yours, lightens up my load. Every time I see you smile," I think, "Oh, there's hope, and we're going to be okay." Then, add the "pleases and the thank yous" The, "What else can I help you with?" "Is everything that we need to get done, done?" You see, those are the sentences we should be using every day, and often every day, to everyone that we meet, our little ones and our adults, and our own selves. Those pleasant and pleasing thoughts are so much of what keeps us moving well. Just like our fruits and vegetables are so key to our everyday life. So are these kind, encouraging, affirming... "I'm in it with you" words and actions. Use them every day. When one of them is yucky, throw it out and start over. Just because I threw away the moldy orange doesn't mean I'm not eating the rest of them. I am. And, one moldy orange does it make all oranges in the world bad. So just because I get rebuffed by one of my "Thank yous," or, "Would you help me?", doesn't mean I won't say it again, and I won't ask it again. I will use them often. Because every orange, and every person, has a bad day now and then. 

Well, we've looked at the shelves. We've looked at the walls, and the organization of our refrigerator. And, we've looked at all those drawers, and we've cleaned them up some. Right? We've gotten rid of the stuff we don't need anymore, except for we've avoided the stuff that's growing green. You know, that stuff that was in the back, that we found and then we went, "Oh yuck." Because, if I opened the cover, it was gonna have fuzzies. So, you found something that's moldy, an old memory, do you have to throw out that memory? I hope not. Maybe, it's important to realize that those yummy wonderful things we make sure to keep in the front, and use it again. And, I'm not gonna let those yummy, delightful, encouraging, affirming interactions that I have with my kids, or with my spouse, and in our marriage, fall into the back and get forgotten. But I'm going to keep them in the front, and use them again and again. 

You know, sometimes when I throw away something moldy, I sort of have the attitude of, “Well, you blew it, Jan. You didn't remember that it was in the back of the refrigerator. And, so now it's bad, and you don't get to have it.” And I create shame for myself. But I think a better option for me, maybe for you, is to think instead, "Oh yeah, that was really good. I could do that again." Even though we're done with that one (now moldy memory because we forgot about it), we can do that experience again, perhaps. And, I'm going to remember to use all of the components in that memory to make it really good. So that, in my relationship life, I will try to be as compassionate, generous, and gentle as I can be without holding back. This will make it so that what I store in the refrigerator of my relationships, I'll be able to take out and use again. And, it won't even be moldy when I want it!! 

You can hear that we have our relationship, and our refrigerator cleaned up. We've cleaned the shelves. We've done the cubbies. We've done the walls. One final thing. Time to take note, and ask, "What do I need to get, to restock, to refill my refrigerator? Hmm. I've thrown away some old stuff, and maybe, I want some new of the same stuff? And this time, I'm going to pay more attention to it, so that it doesn't get gross and moldy." 

Maybe, I've thrown away a sour memory of a conversation with a friend. But I don't really want to throw away my friend, or our conversations, so I'm going to invite or start a new conversation. I'm gonna re-engage with that friend, and be in life with them. And maybe, I pulled out some of my yogurt, but some of the other ones got stuck in the back and they are way past their expiration date. I'm probably going to throw those away. But, that could be like remembering all the things the kids have done wrong, and some of them got stuffed into the back. And, I'm going to remember those naughty things, and what they're prone to do. Or not, right? 

Maybe, a better choice for me is to remember that, as I engage with my kiddos, in that day to day life, like I do with my yogurt, I'm gonna remember to smile with them, to teach them, and to encourage them. So, I'm restocking, with a refocus on what I want in my life. It's much like what I want to put in my body or share with my family for their physical health. The food in the refrigerator can be a representation of, not only what are we putting in our bodies and our minds for good relationships, but also, what are we feeding and giving to those around us, for their mental, social, spiritual, and relationship health? 

Every one of us has a refrigerator. From the minute we're born up to today as we help your kiddos with what goes in their refrigerator? What goes inside of them? What's supposed to stay, and what's not supposed to go in there? Hey, putting your kitty cat in the refrigerator is not a good idea. Right? That's what we would say. Sometimes we have to teach our kids what's okay for them to hang on to, and what's okay for them to say, "No, no pet Kitty (or inaccurate thoughts) don't have to go in there." 

Like I said, November 15 is Clean Your Refrigerator day. I probably am not going to clean my refrigerator on that day. But, this podcast has helped me remember to think a little bit more about my self care, and how that impacts the people around me. And maybe there's an attitude or a memory for me, or for you, that it’s time to be done with it and not let it be inside my heart and mind anymore.

 And then what do I want? I'm going to restock for the rest of the year. What do I want to put in there? 2020 has been something, something... right? What do we want? How do you want to end it well? Now is the time. Clean that personal refrigerator yours. Do that personal work. Take the time to think, to pray, to ponder, to talk. And, realize what is wise to clean up and get out of your refrigerator, out of yourself... the grunges, the animosity, the anger, the angst?? And settle in with something that's a little bit better for you. 

You know, this isn't easy work. I don't really like cleaning my refrigerator. I don't always like doing personal work. But I know in the end, I'm really pleased that I took on the challenge, and I did it. I feel better. I'm not ashamed when somebody opens my refrigerator. And I'm not ashamed when somebody asks me a personal question. I can answer truthfully and without shame. Do the work. 

If you want help with this, of course, you can always join our Facebook group, and get more information there. But you can also look at the website, there's good stuff on there. And, there are some old podcasts that can just add a little more umph to this. But you can also look at the course, DNA For Fun.  It's a communications course that helps us look at our own self, and how we communicate.  And it  helps us build those skills between ourselves and our spouse, and ourselves and our kids.

I’m cheering for you, and I'm encouraging you to move forward with the cleanest refrigerator that you can get for the rest of 2020. 

Thank you for joining me today. Bye bye!!