Transcript: Parenting Refresher

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together!  You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

So I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're a part of the Us and Kids Community, so that we can encourage each other to make our homes, our marriages, and our family life so very, very good.

You and I know it's not an easy task. You and I know that having some support around us can really help keep us moving along in the right direction and keep the detours from becoming too crazy. So I want to encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I am glad you are here, so that your home and your marriage can be fulfilling and so very, very good.

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. You know parenting is not an easy task. It's not very easy to take time off. Our kids are always there with us. And even if they aren't, it's on our mind about,  "How do I solve this problem? How do we fix this; I don't like what's happening here, but not necessarily an easy one. So I'm glad you're here for this podcast. I also just want to encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. That way it easily shows up for you each week.  I'm glad you're here, so that your marriage and your home are fulfilling and so very good. 

And today we're going to talk about our kiddos. And this is a little bit of an angle on parenting and making sure that we understand what's happening as our kiddos make this adjustment into school. We've talked a little bit about this in the weeks past and now I want to just sort of do a little refresher, because by now we're probably three to six weeks in, and maybe our kids have sort of braved up, and done fairly well.  And now this would be a space often where we might see things crumble. So I just wanted to give a little bit of encouragement for you, that you can pass on to them, Like we've said before, you are the best buffer, in terms of absorbing stress, so that they can continue to develop the best way that they can.

Let's talk for a little bit about what can be happening to a little one. At this point I'm thinking a little one is anyone from infancy on up in age because they're going to pick up on your stuff, and on the stress in the household, or the stress in trying to get them to daycare or managing the changes the changes of shifts, as one parent comes home from work on the other one leaves. Use this as an overall learning tool works for almost any age.

Let's remember, for our kiddos developing really good impulse control four years old and under, because of how the brain is developed, but their brain is not really well developed until mid to late adolescence.

Yeah, that. Thinking that your kiddos have all the self control that maybe you have is an overreach. Their brains do not have enough strength to hold their emotions and their logical thoughts together tightly enough to always be under control. And that means that our job to continue to help them develop is ongoing.  Like long term: ongoing. 

Try not to become too exasperated with this because they're just doing how their brain is made.  They're not trying to be disrespectful, or cruel, or really trying to take you out and insult you as a parent. They are just working they're brains.

You're right. They're going to continue to help them develop that self control, but not too harshly. Instead, consistently.

So an example for this might be that my seven year old refuses (at least it looks like this to me) to put their backpack and their shoes in the mudroom. Those things come out and just get left strolling through the house back to the bathroom. It doesn't matter. A chart doesn't seem to work, a reprimand doesn't seem to work. You can just pick it up and ignoring it doesn't seem to work. What am I supposed to do with this? Take everything away?! And that's one response. I'm not sure that it's going to be really effective.

 But I think that may be helping the kiddo as he comes in the door to say, "Can you drop your stuff right here?" What's the first thing you're doing, and he is going to say,  "I have to go pee!!" Oh,right? You're right, you probably do. So you might then talk about if  we have a bathroom stop earlier at school. And maybe the answer is, "No, there's a bully in the bathroom. I'm not going there, mom."  Okay, got it. Note to self: "What's happening at school?" Then maybe there's a, "You're right, run in and go to the bathroom, but then the next thing you have to do is come back here!"  And you're going to actually physically practice that little circle with them.  Run to the door, race them down to the bathroom, through the bathroom, race back to the mudroom. Practice it.

Because as they see that you're in it with them, they see that you're not mocking them - you're helping them. They are not really trying to get in trouble with you the minute s/he walks in the door. The first thing on his/her body and brain is the need to go pee. And he's been trying to hold it the whole time because he's afraid of the bully. "I'm sorry, hon!"  Isn't that your  response?? And sorry  - that's a hard way to end the school day. I agree!   Let's figure something else out! 

For kiddos, learning to control their own impulses takes a long time. And so this means that you continue to parent. Encouraging parenting is far more successful and effective than harsh, critical parenting. Critical, harsh parenting creates fear in the kiddos brain. And so now they're worried about pleasing you and they can't remember what they were supposed to do, to please you! That's backwards, isn't it. But that's what happens in their brain. They become too frightened of disappointing you. And so now they can't remember what they were going to do.  If we are just calm about that and encouraging them, then they'll remember more easily, although not always consistently because they are growing, but more easily they'll remember. You'll be able to say, "You know, the shoes made it but where is your backpack??"

And they'll look around, "I don't know, I don't know, going out to play baseball. "

Parent, "Oh, where's your backpack. Look around, find it! Find it so that you can go out to play!" And as they go out the door, they grab that backpack, and they can throw it in the mudroom as they run out the back door and you can give them a high five. Might as well. Right? Well done!

Another thing about our kiddos growing up, is that we forget that we can easily and quickly over stimulate them. Their brains are already so busy, and if we could see in their brains what was going on, we would see consistent flashes of neon colors, over and over and over and over and over again. Once I was in China. And China lights up  their buildings at night. Lots and lots and lots of colors flashing on all of their big buildings! And it's almost for me overwhelming- the amount of flashing that goes on as one sign changes from one ad to another to another in neon blue, and yellow, and orange, and green, and purple and all the shades in between.

That's a summary of what happens is happening in a kiddos brain -  it's going that fast. Often and all the time. And now you add more stimulation to that. Slow it down, help them to slow it down. Meaning make it quieter:)Try not to have the TV, your phone the iPad and something else going on at the same time. Pull it down. They've been stimulated with somewhere between 10 and 30 other little people at school, along with academic learning, along with trying to block out the sounds and the noises of the kids.

And now they come home to people being loud with each other, and then add the TV and add a radio and add somebody else, yelling over all of that. It makes them nervous. Cut the stimulation. As you want the day and your household to be calmer, lower the lights, lower the sounds. Lower your voice. Lower the speed of the interactions. Imagine my voice...pace, it out. As you move slower. They will follow you, five to 10 minutes behind but they will follow you. If you and your spouse are together, slowly go around, turn things off, turn lights down,  (use your dimmer switches.) It slows everything coming into their brain down. Now, they can lower their anxiety. They don't have to move so fast or be so loud. Because you're helping them settle  down. Just by helping their heart rate go down and their breathing rate go down. Now some of the cortisol that their body is reacting to can settle out, and can get washed away, and now they can think more calmly and realize that they're safe enough to end the day. Lower that stimulation. And you'll see a calmer house will come around. 

Remember that kids have big feelings. We think oh they won't be this scared about that - it'll be okay. A lot of kids are really really sensitive and they pick up on all of this information that's coming in, but they don't have this coping skills. And so it's hard for them to know what to do. 

Give them some space to have big emotions.  Talk with them about what is that big emotion. What things came together to make that amount of fear or worry come together. Talk about this without judgment, but just with slow listening. Maybe you're building with some Legos, maybe you're coloring, maybe you're just going for a walk or hanging out on the trampoline, but you're just gently talking about it.

Your kiddo may not fully know but she may agree she's got big emotions.

Now, you're going to listen as well. And pay attention to what his personality or her personality is because this often our kids with big emotions are often very sensitive. They're very emotionally aware and very emotionally intuitive, which can be a downside for them, or an upside. It depends on how we help them figure out how to build a filter around it. They're really good at feeling. That is going to help them in adult life. It's a little tough in child life, but in adult life it's going to help them. They're not going to have enough words and that's where you're going to parent and help them develop more words to say what they're seeing and experiencing and making meaning of.

We also have this with our creative kids.  They can be highly creative... meaning that they are making messes of creativity all over the place. Okay. The downside to their creativity? Messes that parents who are organized want to just wreck their head around. For the kiddo, this is a core part of their personality. And so we're here to help them appreciate that or that part of their personality that we may not think that great. It's not going to leave them. So we're going to help that be counterbalanced with a skill that balances messy and organized at the same time. You're probably going to help them with this over the time of them being a child in your household. You're going to have learned how to have some jokes around it as they get a little bit older. You're going to be pleasant and affirmative about the good in their personality. They are created that way. You're not going to change it. So helping them embrace their personality and giving them the skills to balance out what edges are too sharp is really some of the most pleasant parts of parenting. It takes time to slowly shape this.  But  when it gets shaped and as you see it grow -  you'll see little colors of it, when they're seven and when they're nine and when they're 10 and 11 and 14 and 18. And you'll say, "Look at that. The best of both worlds, their full personality, in a way that really works well with other people!" Give them room for big feelings. Give them room for big messes. Give them room for loudness, and.... our introverts, more silence. It develops their personality, as you help them also learn the opposite side of it.

Our kiddos are wired to be independent. How does that work while we're parenting?? Right? We're supposed to be the leaders. We're supposed to help them develop and grow in the right way. And yet, they always resist!  It's, "NO! Me do! I want to! I can do it myself. Let me do it. Leave me alone. Hmm. Yes. Remember, they're not trying to say they don't like you. They are trying to say, "I'm trying to build my own level of confidence. I'm trying to figure out how to have this skill myself because I know eventually, I'm going to be not with you. And I'm going to be on my own and I've got to be able to do this myself!" A three year old will never say that sentence to you, but a 16 year old will say,  "I want to do this myself because I've got to know how to do it myself!"  Sometimes mom and dad, "Let me try it myself. Don't just make me watch you fix the car, or mow the grass or fix something else. Let me do it myself."  And with some guidance, let them do it themselves. You'll be pleased, they're wired to be independent.

Your job is to help them be safely independent by coaching and by teaching and by encouraging and by giving them the tools, literally and figuratively, to live life independently; with integrity, with compassion, and with good relationships with lots of people around. Work with it, because you can do it, and they can do it.

Our kiddos are also wired with a need to play. This is really about body movement. They have a tremendous need to move their body. It helps with not only body coordination,  but with brain coordination. So, you're right, they can play games on their screens. It's not the same as playing outside and playing with Legos (and I say that often but Legos are common around my house:) playing with Legos, playing with dolls, playing with trucks, playing with trains, playing with whatever. I don't care if they play with your Tupperware. They're building things and creating things. And that is what helps their brain grow. It also helps their confidence in themselves grow. This gives them courage to try new things, to work out problems, to see different solutions even to the lego thing that does stay together, or why the train falls off the track all the time. And those problem solving skills are so important in everyday life, the framework for that is set while they play.

So playing with things but also playing in the bigger sense of playing tag and running around the backyard and doing somersaults and swinging on swing sets and climbing up and down the jungle gyms. All of that builds their brain to have multiple neuron connections, so that they can problem solve in a lot of different ways. And it gives them their confidence and bravery in jungle gym. That translates into confidence and  bravery in the classroom. And that's really what we need. 

 As the academics are weird this year, but just as the academics move  along throughout each year they go to school. Give them room to play. This doesn't stop when they're 6 or 7 or 12 or 14, they still need room and time to play. Open up the schedule. Don't make it so tight that they don't have time to goof off.

Now there are times when our kiddos goof off. And we're mad -  we think they're being naughty. We command, "Stop it, pull it together! Be quiet! No you can't do that!"  And our kiddos don't stop. And we feel insulted or ignored or disrespected. The kiddo didn't stop because the kiddo didn't have the language to say, "Mom and Dad, I miss you. And the way I really connect with you best is when you play with me." His internal need was to connect to you. And he will go for that need - It is so deep within a little one, that he will go for that need in a million different ways!

Playing is one of their best ways of connecting. It can be hard for our brains to know how to play like a two year old or a four year old, or a seven year old. Oh, they can do it for hours because they're that age. We're not that age, so it's hard to spend time in that space. However, take time to do it. Honor your child by entering into that space. And you'll probably can't do it for three hours -  you probably don't have three hours to give away, - but you can do it for 20 minutes. And you can hug them and you can say that was fun. And I'd like to do that again. 

That play time is their connecting time. And when they're being naughty and continuing to play, in the words of John Gottman, a relationship specialist, that kiddo is extending a bid or invitation of their need: “I need you to play with me.”  And that's what they're telling you. 

If you can listen and respond, even if you can't play and shoot hoops right now. Reassure them that after you are finished with ( ___name the task and time___) you will  make it xxx minutes free for them. Set a timer. Now hold to your words and go out and shoot those hoops. Put your heart and your soul into it. Don't keep your phone in your hand. Put it down. Leave it in the house and join them. 

The more you join, the more calm and cooperative they will be. You know this is true even for your spouse and you.  The better connected you are the easier it is to cooperate with each other.  If you're connected well, things are smooth. There is intention. The same is true for a kiddo. 

So I want to encourage you today to continue to parent well, be as consistent as you can.  Be in agreement with your spouse about what the rules are. Change them as you need to. Let the kiddos know when you have to change a rule so they're not surprised. Continue to remember to think like your kiddo. That empathy of thinking and knowing them is really key to having them follow you, cooperate with you and develop the good character and virtue base that you want in a healthy adult. 

You're the parent, you're doing the best job you can continue to lead your kids. Be supportive with each other because parenting takes two. I know many times there's just one parent and that takes a lot of effort! Support each other. For goodness sakes, support the single parents around you as well! 

I'm glad you dropped in and listened today. If you have a comment or a word of encouragement that you would like to leave someone else in the comments section here, I think that's always good too. We're in this together. Let's hold each other up.

Thank you again for joining. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Bye bye.

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