Transcript: Keys to Your Car and to Your Relationship

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together!  You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

So I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're a part of the Us and Kids Community, so that we can encourage each other to make our homes, our marriages, and our family life so very, very good.

You and I know it's not an easy task. You and I know that having some support around us can really help keep us moving along in the right direction and keep the detours from becoming too crazy. So I want to encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I am glad you are here, so that your home and your marriage can be fulfilling and so very, very good.

And today we are taking a little more lighthearted approach.  I had this sort of funny thought driving home from work one day, and that would make an interesting podcast so I've been fiddling around with it in my head. 

Today we're talking about keys. Most specifically, in my mind,car keys, but we're gonna start out with  just keys in general. So the things that start your car or unlock your house. I am trying to think whatever else you have locked up... like your bike lock maybe. And what do those keys have to do with a relationship?

Let's start by thinking about just keys in general. Because usually a key by itself without a lock or something to go into is not of much value. I have keys around my house that I don't know what they go to. I can't figure it out. And so eventually, those keys often get thrown away. We have keys that maybe we have used.  They used to be on a lock to our own house or to our old boyfriend or girlfriend's house, or to something else. But now we're like, "No, I don't even need the memory, throw the whole thing away, because the connection there is done, and gone."  

My point here is that keys usually connect us to something valuable. And so in a funky sort of sense here as we move on through the podcast, we're going to think of the key as being you and the place that it's being inserted into as being a spouse or a significant person in your life. Andin general, I think mostly that the key has to fit the keyhole. And if it doesn't fit all the way in, or fit well, then the whole thing doesn't work especially for our car. If the key doesn't fit all the way into the ignition and we want to start that car ...well...that car is not going to go anywhere.

And in many cases that's true in a relationship. If it doesn't fit together well then the relationship won't work as well.

Let's think for a minute.  I'm thinking back to - (I'm a little older than many of you, but don't tell anyone) -the key is that I had from long ago.  The key to the car I  drove was also needed to unlock the care  door.You could lock the car door by pushing the lock down on the inside. And if you wanted to unlock it, you had to fit the key into the keyhole in the door. That was the only way to unlock the car.  And in the beginning of a relationship, often, that is how we start out. We have some boundaries around ourselves like that car does.  The only way to get in it is to have exactly the right connection in exactly the right space before giving away any treasured secrets.

 I think sometimes that's appropriate when we're just getting to know each other is to say, "No you don't get all of my secrets right now. You don't get to see all of my dirt and how I drive around,and some of the crazy things I store inside of myself, (ie inside of my car). That's my space.We have to fit really perfectly and be pretty safe. Before I let you unlock my car and climb on in.

That's good relationship stuff for when we're starting out  I'm thinking that most of you have been in a relationship longer than a couple of months. And that you have moved on down the way a little bit farther, just as the keys have developed differently for our cars as well. 

The next kind of car key that we got was the kind that had a clicker to it. Many of us still have a car like this. The key fob has a battery in it with some small buttons on the outside of the fob. And we need to click or press those buttons in order to unlock and lock the car, the trunk and  maybe it'll  turn on some lights and might have a panic button on it. So it's a little bit more extravagant.

This represents a relationship where we are clicking together. Even though we don't have to be exactly match up at the moment. We have to be near each other. If I click my car and I'm in Minnesota, but my car's in Michigan, it's not going to unlock. But if I'm reasonably close to it, then access to the car, ie access to the relationship is going to be relatively easy.

I don't have to fit it exactly in the right slot. I don't have to do all the things just  right. I just have to hit the right button, and the rest of it just sort of clicks. So the vulnerable spots in the relationship become open and known. We're now sharing our car. And we don't have to have it exactly right because safety has developed. 

This is what I'm thinking about you looking for into your relationship. You are in a space where you can both, within reason and within closeness to each other, be able to share things, and be able to let someone else in. We still have to have the right key. The wrong key won't open the car. And so it still has to be spot on to that person and to that relationship. It won't unlock the relationship next to it. Just this one. And that's how we want our relationship to be is that special. Just you and me. Nobody else can unlock my car, but your key. And that's where we want you to be able to share those special moments and memories, those needs. Those places of joy, those fears. And then we want you to be able to comfort each other. Compassionately, wisely, with encouragement, maybe with a new idea, but with no insult, or shame or ridicule.

After all, who wants someone riding in their car telling you what a piece of junk it is. And that it's dumb and you should never take this car on the road. That would be like saying to the relationship, I don't know why I've ever gotten this piece of junk . It's gonna fall apart. I hate this relationship. My relationship or my person is way better. Ooh. Ouch. Be careful how you talk to each other, especially in those tender moments when you're both in the relationship car together. So that there's honor and there's tenderness towards each other. 

In the DNA for Fun Communications Course we talk some about this in terms of being able to manage our emotional me, our emotional selves, so that we can build really good connections with our words and with our attitudes; what we say and how we hear what our spouse says. I just mentioned four of the five modules that are key to really building really good relationships. We are working towards a relationship that is as close as the car and the key with a clicker on it is. We have to have that kind of tenderness and  care towards each other to keep that relationship running smoothly. 

Let's move on. We have one more key to think about here. I was giggling about this one a little bit because my husband recently got a car where he just has to keep the key in his pocket or close to him. And as he walks up the car door automatically unlocks. He can touch the handle one way or another, and it does something else and I'm like wow, this is weird... a little too much. 

But now let's think about it in terms of a relationship, because this is a relationship that's a little bit more developed. And it's intricately connected to each other. As your spouse comes close to you or as you come close to your spouse, you can easily and quickly sense what's going on. And you can respond with that gentle touch or with that sweet eye look or with that hug or with knowing that you should step back and give them a little bit of space. This is when that person walks up and they get seven or eight feet away from their car, then the car automatically unlocks and the lights go on. And that's what we want to have happen when you come close to your spouse. 

Does s/he automatically open up her heart, and smile with a twinkle in their eye and say, "Hi!  Good to see you!" That's when the lights come on. I'm open to you. I'm glad you're here. With that kind of joy or excitement that said, "Come on in. Let's go on a relationship ride together!" And in the car while you drive around to chat about the day, and talk about things that you see outside, you sing a song with radio. It's easy and it's good. 

And that's part of what we're looking for in a long term relationship is that it becomes easy and good. It's an easy fit together. You've worked the other key steps of matching up closely and being sure that you're a good fit, not forcing the key in, but seeing that it slides in easily, and when the car goes to run the relationship runs well.  As you move along in their relationship you can see that you click together, like with the clicker. And you're glad and safe with each other inside the car and outside the car. So that as that relationship takes the next step in maturity, it becomes one that you can read each other, and respond quickly to whatever you can see is going on for your spouse. Your spouse can respond quickly to whatever is going on for you. 

This takes time. But it also takes practice. It takes some self sacrifice to continue to get to know your spouse and honor them. Not ridicule or insult, or demean, but honor them with love, with understanding, and with encouragement. There are times when we have to change: Our spouse calls us out and says, "You know, that's getting a little old. Your silence is sort of cold and old. I'm a little over it. I really want you to figure out how to say something." So however you want to figure that out, do it.

The DNA for Fun Communications Course has a segment about that kind of silence and about how to undo it. So you could take the course, and you could also probably find a book or two that will write something about it. You can also work with a therapist who will help you figure out how to develop those feelings into thoughts that turn into words that are words that eventually are worth speaking because they'll have value in developing the relationship. You are worth it. And your relationships are worth it. So I want to encourage you today to take the time to talk with each other. 

What kind of car do you think we have? What kind of keys are we managing here? And make the adjustments that you need so that you could also get the upgrades when you're ready. As your marriage is steady, your family becomes steady.

You are the leaders. And so taking time to tend to your relationship, and make sure that your keys are working well in your car, the relationship is clean and good is worth your time and your effort.

You also know that if you were to leave a review here about what you have learned it will also encourage someone else in their relationship development. So that not only would you be helping you and your spouse, you'd be helping somebody else out. And I always think that that's just a good thing to do all around. 

Share some encouragement wherever you can. So, I'm encouraging you to live the best married life you can! Be the best married person you can be. And watch your family and your marriage grow!

Thank you again for joining me today! Always glad to have you stop in! We'll catch up again next week.

Bye bye:)