Transcript: Back to School - One Way or Another!

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together!  You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

So I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're a part of the Us and Kids Community, so that we can encourage each other to make our homes, our marriages, and our family life so very, very good.

Today we're talking about going back to school! You and I know going back to school for our kids and for us parents can feel sort of daunting or weird. I'm sure, by now, you have looked through what your district and what your schools are offering, and what the choices are for online versus in person, and trying to make the best decisions you can.  

Remember that the best thing you can do for your kiddo, no matter where they're going, is to be supportive of them. You are the best buffer for them against the stress that they're going to feel in making this transition. The more calm you can demonstrate with your kiddo, the more calm they will be able to be. 

Let's just talk through a few things that can help a kiddo adjust to going back to school or reincorporating back into a daycare situation in some format or another. First of all, is to remember to practice things.  Kids experience the whole piece. They are very good inside of their own imagination, but in the imagination of the practical, in the real world, they're better off practicing it for real rather than just talking about it on the couch. 

So, if they're going to a new daycare place or to a new school, go there. Walk around it with them (to the extent the school will let you in), and let your kiddo just look around. Don't rush them. However long they want to stay and look and listen...Let them do that. They might just want to say, "No, I want to go!"  And so your first step is driving into the parking lot and maybe getting out of the car seat. "No, mom! No, no Dad!" Here's some little permission to say, "OK, let's climb back on the car. And let's drive around for a few minutes. Maybe we'll go to the playground, and then maybe we'll stop by again." We're not going to do this 15 times in one day. Instead, over the course of time, we're going to slowly let their brains acclimate to that it's okay; that mommy and daddy are not setting them up for danger or for failure. 

Your kindness in this is really important to them feeling confident. And that's really key here for them to become is confident that mom and dad are with them on this and not being cruel, or dangerous. Their first brain's job is to protect themselves. And that's what they're reacting to: This doesn't feel safe, this doesn't feel safe! So you're going to slowly help their brain learn that it is safe. Then sit with them, down at their level on the kindergarten floor with them. See what they see. Notice their perspective of tables, books, doors, desks, cubbies.  And just gently converse with them. Hold their hands. Look them in the eye. Give them some snuggles. Have a lot of compassion.

You're going to practice visiting.This is in the physical sense such as just walk around with them. And then listen to them, because they have key words are going to tell you (not big sentences or paragraphs usually), but key words. “It's cold in here” might  be one of them. Or, “I don't have a place to put my shoes.”

Oh -  that's a problem!  “Where do I eat lunch?” 

They have simple little questions that may seem so obvious to us. They're not obvious to them. And those are the things that frighten them. Listen to their little sentences. Give them time to say the whole thing. And then answer that question. Ask, "Do you have a solution? How do you think it would work?" The more they can talk and verbalize and ask, the better that is for them. It doesn't let those worries run around in their head and keep turning blacker and bigger and blacker and bigger. 

We want it to slow down for them. You're the buffer...you are the person who's going to absorb some of this fear, and then be able to trade that fear in for them with some calmness and some courage. 

What else do you do? Listen to them. Don't add your own fears to it. If that means that you have to go first to school or to daycare to scope it out and make sure that you're settled with this, then do that. When you lead your little one into this, you'll have to demonstrate that you are okay with it and that you are sure your little one is going to be okay. 

Don't need to say to them,  "I know it's really scary place. It's really big, isn't it?!"  Back away. You might be able to say to them, as you are at their little two and a half foot level, "Wow it looks like a big room, doesn't it. Let's walk around and see what's what we can find." And then you can help them see that this is the shoe corner, and this is a puzzle corner, and this is the eating snack corner and this is the read stories corner.  Now there are corners, or spaces, and it's not one big massive room. Help them find the clue about how to find the exit out of the classroom. Or where they are supposed to go to find you when school is done. Help them find the clue for that because that's going to settle their little heart down. It gives them the skills to do school/daycare in manageable pieces. They need little brain size pieces. Go slow because they've got so much to sort through here. They just need to go slow enough to be able to process and process it slowly and thoroughly. 

You know, this is a rough space for these little kids in the times of covid but also just in the everyday life of making an adjustment, to be honest with you. And we're the parents and so, staying together in this even when we come back home from work  is important.  Often our little’s will act brave when they're out there visiting. They are not going to cry over there! But they're going to come home, and they're going to have scary thoughts or images or ideas! Giving them space to say what they are scared of is important. Give them room to talk about it. Somebody might say, "I can't reach the top shelf there." "Oh, yes, you're right, that would be too tall for you. You are a little one. Mm hmm."  But they don't know how to say that right there. They think that the teacher will get mad. And so, listening carefully to what your little one is saying is important to keeping this transition calm. 

Sometimes, as they begin this process into making this kind of change they will have bad dreams. And really that's just the release of their own worries and concerns. It's their brain's way of figuring it out and getting rid of the fears that don't have words. So on the one hand, you can be troubled by it. On the other hand, I'm going to say, "Well good! I want them to dream it out.  I want them to figure it out."  If they can talk to you about the dream, then help them figure out what important role they played in the dream. Somewhere in that dream, they probably were strong or courageous. They knew when to stop the dream. They knew how to kick a bad person out, even if it was by stopping the dream and waking up - they still got the bad guy to stop. Encourage them as they're dreaming to tell you some about it. And then, point out where they were courageous or brave and protected. And also comfort them. Scary dreams are no fun! Where you have a spiritual place to talk about Jesus being with them and not leaving them any place, then do that. Remind them that mommy and daddy will always be there to help them. It's really important for a little one to hear.

Along with those dreams can come these funny feelings that maybe they haven't paid attention to before. Perhaps some separation anxiety can come up, and they're just worried. So, this looks like (in a little kid) resistance or defiance.

Saying "No". They might also ignore your instructions or requests by not doing what's asked, not cooperating with a timeline. So their logic might go like this. "I'm not going to sleep because that means that I'll have to wake up and go to school so if I don't go to sleep then I won't have to wake up to go to school."  That's not how it works to the adult world but in a little kiddos brain that's how it can work. If they're afraid of a bad dream and they're afraid of the dream the next morning,  listen to it. I wouldn't want to be in that little's shoes. But I'm going to climb in those little one’s shoes, because I'm the mom/dad.

And I'm going to be empathetic towards their fear. They're overwhelmed. And I'm gonna snuggle with him. And I'm gonna give them a picture of me to take along or a little cheap piece of jewelry or note. Maybe I'm gonna bribe them with something like a treat at the end of the day. This is hard. We don't want the anxiety to hold onto them. I want them to be able to learn from you about how to think past the fears and how to use a coping skill to get past it. Coping skills for little ones are things like looking forward to a treat after they make it through. 

It's also a coping skill of being able to talk about what we are afraid of and the two of you being able to talk about a good solution.  And sometimes the solution is an action, but sometimes it's a thought. Sometimes somebody will say, "Well, when I'm that scared I pretend like I'm Batman! I stand up tall and I square my shoulders, and I just pretend in my mind like I'm Batman and what would Batman do?!?"

Great idea, right!?!

It gives him the courage to move forward, past the anxiety and into an action that is good and valuable.

Ask your little one.  He probably has an idea of what he could do. Help them learn that. Give the teacher a hint if you need to so that the teacher knows your  little one’s  plan.Then, if he's really stuck about something then the teacher can ask, "What would Batman do?"  

A little one, when they're this anxious and afraid of a change, can display some other things that might drive us adults a little bonkers. They include things like our kiddos can be forgetful. They have one shoe on and not the other. They're going to brush your teeth. The toothbrush is on the kitchen counter... it's still got toothpaste on it!

Ah, right.

We got things here that just happen. Our llittle ones, when they're anxious, their brain goes into that problem solving and protective mode and tooth brushing is not part of problem solving, and it's not protective. So (in the little  one’s mind) forget that (toothbrushing thing).... I gotta go figure "this" out. And we find them playing with Legos and pretending. They didn't really forget the toothbrushing. They had a more important psychological need to work something through their Lego building.

Almost all play for children is problem solving in some way or another. It's an emotional release. It isn't like we don't have them brush their teeth, if I'm not saying that.  I'm saying that having compassion towards our kiddos while trying to figure things out is important. They'll act forgetful. They'll act distracted. In that play we'll see them daydreaming. But they're trying to figure it out in their head and decide what they are going to do. They don't always have words for it. Often it's images. They don't really have a way to tell you what that image is. That's why they play or they draw, or why they run around the yard yelling, or screaming or kicking something. There aren't really images or words, there's just action to release the emotion and to clear the brain so they can think of something else.

Our kiddos also can be over reactive. At least it looks that way to us. I just mentioned kicking something to release anxiety. And as adults we are probably going to react with a Stop! order.

Their muscles have to release some of that tension and so they go into very fast, not real appropriate, at least from our point of view, behavior. They're looking to get rid of the same energy and make it so that their brain can think and problem solve and become calm again.  

I'm not going to give anybody permission to break somebody else's things or to be destructive. I am gonna give mom and dad a whole lot of encouragement here to stay in it and to find calming ways. This means you have to stay calm, calming ways to say, "Stop. Stop." And that means I'm probably standing, probably standing in intense behavior. And I'm probably going to scoop them up if I can, and take them to a place where it's just you and him/her.  We will get calm and then talk about, "What do you need to do. You're really worried about something." And they'll probably mouth off about something that wasn't fair, that wasn't okay, that wasn't... And it might be exactly about that, but it might not be. I'm gonna listen, and then I'm going to help them solve what the real problem is. And then we problem solve to what we could do when we're that ramped up and we want to break one of our sibling's things. 

We're going to make a way so that they can release that anxious energy, without having shame or regret. It might be jumping up and down, hitting a pillow, running to the back of the yard and back again,  doing somersaults, walking the dog, finding a place to go cry, grabbing their snuggly or their favorite blankie. They need a way to calm down. You're going to help them figure that out.

Other ways that our kiddos show anxiety here. They have tummy aches, headaches, they can't wake up, or they can't go to sleep.

Little more bedwetting, they're getting pickier about food. So they eat tons, or they don't eat anything. It's their way of telling you that they're nervous.

And it's your way of knowing that putting down your phone, putting down some of the other busy work and taking an extra 7 to 10 minutes to talk and to "be with" will really help our kiddos settle into what is going on, and finding good solutions. They usually have a solution that they know will work. They just have to get past the crazy inside their head, in order to have it come to the surface so that they can use it. So you validate them. You agree this is unusual. You agree: that's a big room! You agree: this will be really early in the morning! You agree: we're going to be busy, aren't we? And you remind them that you're going to be with them because you are the buffer that will absorb the stress and the fear that they have. You're going to work to keep routines, as best you can and make bedtime at bit earlier and stick with it. Don't get them to the overtired overstimulated space. It's way too hard to unwind that.  Often kiddos like to have a schedule and they like to know what's for supper. They want to know who's picking them up. And so a weekly or monthly calendar with stickers or with symbols or with real words, that says who's dropping them off, who's picking them up, what's for supper, and if there's a special activity can be really settling. They want to know, "What is that?" And you might say, "So Grandpa, Grandma are coming over here" , or "We're going to the soccer game over here," or "This is church day."  

All of those things in the calendars help kiddos know that mom and dad have this under control. And it calms them down. One surprise after another is not handy for them and their little brains. Give them a written schedule and stick to it. Give them an earlier bedtime, and do it. Keep supper time consistent with real food. Let's be realistic. I can talk like this works 100% of the time and a real parent does those things perfectly. Be careful here, easy on yourself, because you and I both know that days and parenting is messy. And so be gentle with yourself when the day has gone sideways. Pull your little one up on your lap and say, "You know the things we had on the calendar aren't gonna work today. And so instead, we have to have cereal for supper. It'll be sort of fun." And they say, "Can I watch a cartoon or a show too? That's what we do on Saturday morning!" And maybe this is the day you say, "Yeah, a 20 minute show is not a bad idea." Not as a habit  but when schedules get messed up and it's wise to just be gracious to each other. And then you get back on track and do it again. You just heard that in there. When they asked for a choice you let them have a choice. When you can give them room to pick what they want and how they want to do it, let them do that. 

Oh, there has to be within some reasonableness,  right? But at the same time, with the more things they can choose to do and follow through on, the more is  gives them a sense of power that they can do themselves! And this gives them a sense of protection when they're not around you because you are saying that you believe in their choices and that their choices are good. And that then, with that confidence that mom and dad believe me, and believe in me, is really valuable as they have to go to school and make so many other choices without you around.  

You know, going to school is a deal. You and I are probably all have lived through it if you're listening to this. And you probably remember some bad things and some good things. What you did well. And what your parents did well when helping you get to school. Pick some good things out of this - one or two or three that you and your spouse agree. This has to be our focus. Now we'll write it down. Get it on the refrigerator! Don't think it's going to stick in your head because it's not. There's too much else going on! Put it in a visual so that you can see it. Grab the printable so that you have some of the hints for when you say, "What else do we have to add - this isn't working."  You can quickly go shopping down the list, and say let's try this or this. You are worth it. And your kiddos are worth it! These are big adjustments in big times . Do them gently and preparingly. I don't know if that's a word, but if you're prepared for it. And you do it gently, you will see that your kiddos will follow you and the whole house will stay calm. That will keep your marriage connected and your family connected.

If you are in a space where you're saying, "All those things you talked about we don't really know how to do!"  I want to invite you to sign up for the DNA for Fun Communications Course.  In just five to eight weeks we can get these skills well started within you. You will use them the rest of your life; we can get them started for you. And it might not start right at the beginning of the school year, but it can make this school year run really well for you. Just check that out on the website usandkids.com, and see once what there is there, so that you can make your best choice. It's worth your time and effort to keep your marriage and your family well connected.

 So, once again, I want to thank you for listening. If you've enjoyed this podcast and have something that you think someone else would be encouraged  by leaving a comment, please feel free to do that so that you can encourage others along the way. And I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Have a great week you guys,

 Thank you again for listening!