Transcript: Top Five Podcasts in Review!

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! This is podcast number 50, and I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma. And this Us and Kids podcast, just like the other ones, is about how to stay married forever while you parent together. You and I know, it's not an easy task. It's a worthwhile task. I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here because having a marriage and a home that is peaceful and full of fun and joy is so very good. 

This podcast is going to be a little bit different. Stay tuned to the very end, because there are a few things that we are offering, because it's our 50th podcast. And so, just wanted to make sure that you knew that at the end there are some really good things coming your way. Today we're going to do something a little bit different. I've looked through the podcasts and picked the top five. In the first few podcasts we talked about the first five years of marriage and how it sets the stage for the rest of your marriage. And then we talked about the first five years of a little person's life and how that impacts your marriage. 

So now we're going to use that idea of the number 5 and pick the top five podcasts that you, my valued listeners, have listened to. 

The first one that was listened to the most is about  what happened to “Us?”  We just had a new baby. The second most listened to podcast is about how we keep ourselves together with all the challenges that we face in parenting... Not just in having a new baby, but with all the challenges that we face. The third one that we're going to review is about the overwhelm. The house is too messy, everything is messy and I can't keep my thoughts together. It's Episode Number 22 if you want to review it.

The fourth one we're going to review is episode number 25. It's about how to create internal change. Not necessarily "how to clean the house better" kind of change, but change internally so that we become better people which helps us become better parents. And the fifth one we're going to review is about being bilingual. And this is a little review of the love languages. There are five of them. Handy, because that's our number today. And with that, then we will talk a little bit about how do you now best communicate with your kids, and with your spouse who might have different Love Languages than you. So you might become bilingual or trilingual or quadruple-lingual?!? Wow. That would be a lot, wouldn't it?! 

 Let me also say that with each one of these there was a printable available. And at the end of this podcast, you'll find out how you can get each one of these printables for free -  easy, right into your inbox. Then  you'd be able to use them for review and for personal growth. And when you don't have your phone around and you don't feel like having to find the podcast to find out what was taught - you just want the info - you will have the printable! So, that's part of what's on the end of the podcast here.

Let's get started. Here we go. The first one is episode number 26.  

Oh Wow!  We have a new (little) one!  And we are exhausted. And we're having trouble holding our selves together, much less holding our relationship together and holding our brains together. There is so much new that happens that nobody  really told us about.  Well, they tried to, but we didn't quite get it. Living it is so, so different from reading about it, or hearing other people's experiences. Sure, some of their info connects. But my goodness, this is amazingly different; freakishly different sometimes. Okay, how do we calm down, because we know our kiddos are so cute. And we don't really want to miss out on having them around and being present when they're around.

But, we're undone!

So here are a few reminders.

First of all, remember to eat real food. Yes, not sugar food, don't up the alcohol or the cigarettes or the marijuana at this point in time. Slow it down. Eat protein. Your brain desperately needs it in order to build all the new brain pathways that it needs. Yes, eat protein, and then eat some complex carbs along with it, and drink plenty of water to keep washing out and lowering out all of those stress hormones that want to cloud up your brain. You need real food. You know what? Your little one does too. And so whether or not you are nursing or whether or not you are bottle feeding, pay attention to the hungry cries, and feed them. Pay attention to the "Oh, I ate too much cry!" and give them a little rest.  Help and comfort and soothe them because they're trying to talk to you. Every cry is a different way of talking.  It's just a different language. You just have to figure out what it is. I know, I'm saying “just” as if it's easy.  it's not. But it's worth the effort. And it will be easier for you to do if you have some solid protein in your brain. Remember to eat and to drink water.

Secondly, that deep breath that I'm taking means Relax. Relax. As you relax your muscles you probably have to relax your brain some too. These are calming words of, "Today we did okay."  "If we didn't do so well today we'll figure it out a little bit more tomorrow." Tell yourself optimistic thoughts. Read and think about good things, put down the  scrolls about frights about COVID-19, frights about children who do this or that. Slow that down, slow the scroll and sit back and relax.  

Relaxing often helps. How to relax? We touch each other. Your baby's going to relax as you're relaxed. You hold her, or you're a little boy, and snuggle with him and take a deep breath and fall back into the rocker or into your other honey's arms. Everybody relaxes - and your little one will feel better. I just said slow the scroll. What that means is to read good things, not just to yourself, but also read good things to your little ones. Read rhymes, even if they don't make sense. Your little one is listening. He won't understand the words at this infant stage, but he will understand the sounds. And the more varied you read, the more they're going to understand how those sounds fit into words and into sentences. Your voice calms them. When your voice is calm and sweet and intriguing, they pick that up. It will help both of you relax and both of your brains develop in a space that it's ready to go. Yours into parenthood space, and their’s into being a real life human space. 

Next, clean. Your baby wants to be clean.  Do change their clothes. This doesn't mean that every time there's a little drop of spit up we need to change their clothes. But sometimes when we're so overwhelmed, we just go, "Well,  they're just going to get spit up on us again.  So, ohl well!" And we leave their clothes on. Give them a bath, wash underneath their chin, dry everything up.  They will feel better. They love to have their skin touched directly to your skin. There are so many neurons there that help them bond with you and learn to trust you.  So changing their clothes and keeping them clean is really a connection point for them. And then, remember to do it for yourself.  Give yourself a real shower with real soap.  Wash your hair for real, and brush it.  Wear some clean clothes and brush your teeth. All of those things signal to your brain that you're alive and that it's a good day. It reminds you that you are worth taking care of. And that's a valuable reminder for you and for your little one.

Also, remember to talk. Talk to your spouse and talk with each other.  Not just about baby, not just about sports, not just about the mess the world is in. Talk about us. The you and me. The new mom and dad couple that's there that's still husband and wife. Talk about how you're doing and blending those hats. Because blending those hats is really important. Talk with your baby. Your voice is the connection point and important for them to hear. It doesn't matter if you simply talk to them while they're sitting in a bouncy seat and say, "And now I'm cutting up the carrots and they're orange and can't you hear the gunk of the knife?  It doesn't matter what you say. They just want to hear your talk, it helps them know that you're nearby. 

And finally, for your baby and for you: Move your body. Walk, do some exercise. Wiggle their bodies, wiggle their legs and their fingers and their toes. Help them stand up and flump down back into your lap. Wiggle their arms and stretch them out. They love to move! Just get their clothes off from them and watch them wiggle!  But remember, you love to move too!. Don't forget it. Get out for that walk. Do some stretches or pull out the yoga video. Do some jumping jacks, do some yard work. Clean the house fast! Vacuum. All of those things are moving your body and they help to move your brain and help to move the stress hormones out of the way. That's podcast number 26 in summary. 

The next podcast is podcast number one. That's the next one that we did. It is about being married together while we parent together and keeping those two sets of relationships connected. Remember to look at each other as you're talking on the couch together.  As you work to keep your mom/dad and your husband/wife hat on, remember that there are challenges you're facing. Sometimes it's good just to write them down. What's our challenge of the week? What's been the challenge of the day? Talk about how you're managing those challenges. Help each other manage them better. "I wish I had been calmer."  "I wish I wasn't so loud."  "That decision was too fast."  "I wish that I had eaten more food ...I would have thought more clearly."

Pay attention to what skills you're using, and what skills are working and what skills are not working.  And then, positively, with affirmation because you're both trying to do the best job you can, encourage each other on to a different space. When you're working on the relationship together (the husband wife relationship) and there's some tension - such as tension around bedtime or who's doing (or  not doing) their chores remember to slow down, and use empathy. "What's going on with you?"  "You used to always take care of this. The last two weeks, the garbage and the dishes has been left on me. What's happening?" And that's when you find out work isn't going well, or they have a backache they didn't use to have.  Their financial thoughts are just swirling!. Somebody said something mean at work, but it's not until you slowed this down and gently -  without shame, without insult, - ask them what's going on. Now, they can talk with you about it and the two of you can (compassionately) build a plan to help make it through. And so that  the dishes and the garbage still gets brought out. But also, so the emotional needs are attended to and resolved, with gentleness and with togetherness. 

What keeps us married forever while we parent together is taking care of that marriage relationship. As the relationships change, and your kiddos grow there have to be other options.  This  skill to problem solve is ongoing. You'll learn more about it in podcast number one.  The PDF  for that podcast is called "The Roadmap to Yeah! " so that you can say, "Oh, we did it!!"  And that's really the piece that we would like you to look. How do I continue to problem solve, as my own personal self, but also with my spouse?? As you can do problem solve you will build more skills which will give you a lot more choices. As you add more kids, and as the challenges continue to become more complex you will have confidence and calm. 

It's like if you start out with just a hammer and a screwdriver you can fix a lot of things but not everything. And then you discover that there are pliers and that there are channel-locks and that there are Phillips screwdrivers as well as straight screwdrivers, and that there's actually a drill out there that works. And then you add on other tools so that anything that comes your way, you can look in the toolbox and say this is what we're going to use. This is part of why the DNA for Fun Communications Course was developed. What I saw in the couples in my office who said they didn't have a broad enough range of skills, and so they were trying to use a hammer and a screwdriver to fix something that needed a pliers. But they had no idea what a pliers was or how to use it. 

So, in DNA for Fun we talk about how to connect best. We talk about how to manage your own emotional self. And then we talk about how to listen well, and accurately, how to speak clearly, how to use touch, and then benefit of the doubt. And then we add honoring and protecting, as well as turning towards each other, even when under stress. That bucket of tools will get you through almost any situation in life. Maybe some extreme traumas will need some extra boost to those skills, but almost every other situation will be eased by the use of those skills. The DNA for Fun Communications Course will teach those to you, give you room to practice them, and really make your relationships solid. This way your marriage and parenting spaces can be together, and forever! Really good stuff!!

Let's move on. Podcast episode 22 is about keeping your relationship rug clean. And that's really about when we are parenting and so overwhelmed with the mess and all the new things that keep coming into the house. You can't keep up! Toddlers take toys out far more than they put them away. It is what a toddler is supposed to do. They are spot-on in their behavior - exactly as they are supposed to be. And, messy for you!  

And then, you're working again. 

And there are things that should be cleaned up around the house, and somebody added a second job and there's company or somebody else moves in, and you just can't keep up!! 

 A few hints from this PDF.

Make a "We did it!! list."  Yes, the accomplishment list. Often in the mess we forget to give ourselves credit for what we did do. And, believe you me, when you start to write that list down... You did do things! So, begin to write that down.  That list brings some motivation, so that you can keep on adding to it. Sometimes there's a little competition between husband and wife about who did the more important things! This has to be done jovially and gently, but it can be sort of fun. And then, remember to write down the weird things. There are those occasional papers that you have to find once a year. Keep a spot somewhere in your house or somewhere in your phone that you can find that says where some of these unique things are. 

Some ideas are: "What's the combination for the locker that we keep our winter stuff in? 

Where is that tractor key? 

Where do we store this stuff that we only needed at Christmas? 

Write down some of those things so that you aren't frustrated with yourself or with each other 

when you're under pressure to find those things. 

Money goals. Yes, money.  Money matters in a relationship. And so working together about your money is  valuable. Work out how to spend it, how to save it, and what our priorities are. Figure out how much is personal money versus shared money. As this gets talked through clearly, you can see that you have mutual goals and you work together towards those.  Then a good sense of accomplishment develops because it demonstrates self control and honor. That's so important in a relationship and those money goals!

Remember that keeping a calendar and planning and dreaming together is so important. My husband and I are just talking now. Through Covid so many of our get out of town plans have been cancelled. We know we have to figure out something because we don't function well without a plane ticket. I gotta have something on the horizon. And seeing that our calendar is pretty empty is making us a little rattled. We've got to figure it out. We're working on it and we will. We are more aware of it. Put things on the calendar such as even these daily things: "What are you doing? "When are you coming home? "What's for supper? "Who's got to work late" "Who's going to do the daycare?" These things that can be pre-decided can help you not have to think about it again.  It is important because it frees up brain space, so you can tend to the urgent something that you know is going to pop up!

In the midst of all of this to keep your relationship rug clean... Remember! Remember! Remember these sweet little things. Don't skip them. 

The smile. 

That wink. 

The quick  - Help you with the bed. 

The hanging up your own towel, hanging up their towel. 

The putting your dishes in the dishwasher, 

Giving somebody a little extra hug just 'cuz, with no bedroom expectation.

Just cuz you calmed me down when I hug you for a minute. 

Just cuz you're beautiful. 

Or handsome, or cute, whatever your favorite word is. 

Do those little things! They really help to cut the anxiety when live is so busy!  

Episode number four is about generating change. This is not so much about parenting as it is about self care. This is from podcast episode 29. And there's a few things you want to know. The brain, when you're a baby is working hard to figure out if it's protected and safe. Remember, this little one started out in the womb. Pretty protected. And now it's out of the womb and it's got to assess every noise and everything that their little eyes can figure out what they're seeing, to make sure they're safe. Now you and I agree there is not much a baby can do to create safety for themselves, aside from crying. But their brain is assessing what is safe and what is not safe. They're developing their personality as well as their little beliefs about themselves and about how they should live life. You too are developing your own life stories. You've done it from the time you were a baby. But as an adult sometimes, now, it's important to look at what I am saying to myself?? Am I calling myself an ugly name? Do I berate myself, or do I overestimate myself?

Where am I realistic, and yet compassionate?

Look and listen to what your internal language about yourself is.  What do you hear yourself say over and over again?  "I'm not worth it"  Or, "I'm not perfect enough" or "I'm not fast enough, or smart enough." There probably is an "enough" word in there somewhere. Or it's "too much." "You're too loud!" " You're too fast."  "You're too slow. "You're too...? Fill in the blank. Now, slow that down and begin to write something that is more true and more gentle instead of listening to other people's words. Sit with Jesus Christ, sit with yourself, listen to other wise people around you, about what is true and right and good. You'll know what's good when you feel calm and settled down. It might feel a little weird at first.

But listen to it and calm down.

Look around for yourself and with your spouse and think about what do I want to be like?  What do I want to be like by the end of the year? What new character trait do I want more of, or less of?  Here is a list of some character traits. There are more. Do I want to be more loving? more kind? more patient? Do I want to be more faithful? Have more integrity? Do I want to do more good without complaining? Listen and watch. How do I want to grow and what are my goals - for the end of the year, for the next six months, for five years from now? What do I want to look like? What kind of parent and person and spouse do I want to be? If we do these things intentionally and if we work with the DNA for Fun module number two about managing our emotional self, we will understand how to develop this in us a little bit more. And as we grow, our kiddos and our marriage grows. It's worthwhile and it's good!!

And finally, there is podcast number 23. It's about becoming bilingual. Now briefly let's run through the five love languages that Gary Chapman talks about. These are well known in my world. Just do a little Google search and they will pop up all over the place. And you can listen to the podcast to find out more.

Bilingual.

Do I feel most loved when someone touches me, holds my hand, rubs my shoulder or sits next to me?  Do I feel really loved when I can snuggle in next to my kiddo or spouse. Does that just calm me down and calm my brain down.  Does it lower my anxiety and release the tension in my muscles? That would be the love language of touch. Another love language is one of time. I feel most valued most loved when someone spends actual time with me. They put their phone down. And we actually spend time. We might spend time talking, but we might spend time playing, but they're not distracted by a million other things. They're with me. And that's when I feel valued. I might also feel valued, when people tell me kind things. (Love Language #3).  These will be words of affirmation. And these are times when someone just says, "Hey, oh it's good to see you!!" A word of affirmation. When somebody walks in the door, and they greet you with "I've been thinking about you all day!" "So glad to home tonight." And they mean it. Those are words of affirmation. And they encourage us and they strengthen us. If your spouse has that kind of love language, don't stop or hold back. Say it for you clearly. It calms everybody down. Next, love language is one of receiving gifts. These are not big gifts always.Receiving a gift from someone often settles someone in because they feel valued. Not because the gift was so big, but because someone took time to get the gift. So picking some wild flowers and bringing them in and saying, "I brought you some flowers I saw by the side of the road! Here they are!" It's a sweet gift. Sometime a sweet gift would be a mint on the pillow, or  a new pair of socks. And, sometimes  the gift might be more extravagant. But many people who's love language is gifts feel most loved when they receive the gift.

And finally, there is love language of acts of service. This is when you help me. There's the love language  of time -  that's doing something together, but this is when you help me. When I say, "I can't figure out the checkbook. Will you help me look at it?" or  you say, "I can't get the weeding done. Everybody's sick, I can't get it finished. It's out of control."  And you say, "I'll help you." You know, full well that your spouse hates weeding. They even are pretty bad at even finding the weeds, but the fact that they'll sit down with you, or they offer to take the little ones so go out and do the weeds alone is an act of service. It calms you down and now you're in it together, for a bigger purpose. Even if it is just the weeds in the lawn. 

So let's run through these 5 podcasts a minute. There are a few things that hold them all together. When we add a new baby - that self care and working to bond together helps to build new pathways in our brains and in our relationship to keep our marriage together, and our little ones together. As we see that we're facing new challenges, we continue to upgrade our skills so that we're in it together, adjusting together, getting feedback from each other, and making the little changes. And then, when we're overwhelmed as time goes by and we're not keeping up with all the mess that could happen.. all the baby things that are out, the addition of going back to work and seasons change, we remember to write things down, to plan things out, and to be intentional. We remember to keep the sweet things and the kind things as continuous additional behavior. As we do that we work on this personal growth piece that helps us continue to develop our best character. Our best selves. We do it with the help of our spouse. We do it through spiritual practices, and we do it by practicing. It takes about three to six months to build a new brain pathway, which is why we practice. Keep on doing it. Keep on restarting. It's worth it. And you will like the change. When you say "I'm glad I'm not the 25 year old I was back then!" Thank goodness!  A 40 year old person acting like a 25 year old seem just right.  And finally, we have figured out how to love well by speaking the language that our spouse, and our little ones understand best.  Instead of insisting on always speaking in our language, we have learned to also speak in their their's.  When they need love and comfort, we switch to their language intentionally. It can be messy, but intentionally and unconditionally  lowers the anxiety and the confusion in the house and pulls everybody together. Now marriage is good and the parenting is calm and good. Chaos goes down, communication and connections go up! So,so good!!   

So this is the long podcast because we listed a lot of good things.

I hope that pulling these 5 podcasts together like this gives you a good picture and goal.

 Remember that you can get the free printables -  get all five of them - off from the website. You can use them and you can share them under this 50th episode blog post. 

If you want to listen to one of these extra podcasts and write a little review about them, that would give all of my numbers across the board a boost. I've had about 980 listens. And I'm looking to get by the end of this podcast run to get 1050.  That's only about 70 more listens and I bet you can help me do it!  

(A brief update:  As of this transcript time, we have surpassed our goal and have had 1062 listeners!  Thank you!  Our next goal is 2000 listeners by the end of the year!  Share with your friends and become stronger together!)  

So, I wish you the best, and I am cheering for you. Thank you for any review that you write about any one of these podcasts. 

Of course, if you have other questions, stop by Us and Kids and leave a comment or write me at support@usandkids. I'll get back to you. 

Once again, thank you for joining. It's been a true pleasure spending these 50 podcasts with you. 

I'm out for today while wishing you a great day!