Transcript: Regression and Stress with Kids

Welcome to the Us and Kids podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent  together.

These days, because we've been under a lot of stress in 2020 and stress often moves us into a place where we want to go backwards in behavior and emotions.  We start to sort of snoop around back in our history, to find a safe emotional place. And we want to go there - as adults, but also as our kiddos. So stay with us today where we talk about regression and how to reset from that, no matter what age you are. I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. That way you'll always get a little bit of a boost in your marriage and in your parenting, so that your marriage and your home can be fulfilling and very, very good. 

All right, let's move into today's topic. Regression. Stress. These can be really scary and overwhelming words. They're not really uncommon experiences for adults, or for kids to have some regression, and to have stress. And I've been thinking about this as we're approaching another season of coping with Covid.  As we think through what's happening come Fall, in school, and what does work look like and what does childcare look like.  Everybody's situation is a little bit different. 

So I thought it might just be wise to chat about regression. Why is it? Where do we find it? And what do we do about it? Well, first of all, why does regression happen? Usually because we're scared. Being scared feeds the desire to go back into a safe space. So let's work with this a little bit more with a definition. You know we love them! Here we go! Regression is usually referred to when someone or something goes backwards to someplace that used to be more comfortable. We might regress back to an old habit. Maybe it's not a great habit, but we went back to it. Maybe, if we're adults we went back to more drinking like we did in our early 20s. We picked up smoking again. We were eating really well. It was our promise forJanuary 2020 that healthy eating was the way. And that has gone out the window... way out the window! A kiddo might regress by fighting bedtime, when they were always pretty cooperative. Or fighting bathroom use, or baby talk, or eating with silverware, or taking care of and picking up their toys. They're just fighting and resisting and whining about, it feels like everything. 

Why do we regress?  Because we're scared. And we can be scared in big ways from big things or from little things that stack up. We become scared when what we have experienced, or what we think we might experience is outside of our skill set, or skill set we think we have. Sometimes we have more courage than what we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes we have more thinking and talking skills than what we really have given ourselves credit for. For example, a small fear for an adult might be when we try our new recipe, or when we take a new way to a known location. There can be a little bit of fear in there. Small fears for kiddos might be trying new food or moving from their toddler bed to a big bed or having a different parent put them to sleep at night. 

You know, often our assessment of ourselves and our new situation doesn't really match up with other people's viewpoints. So for example, the person who gave you that recipe told you it's really easy. That's their viewpoint. Your experience with the recipe was that it was trickier than what you thought it was going to be. Those are two different viewpoints. And they assessed that you would easily do this recipe. You assessed and experienced what you did, but not as easily as what you thought. It stretched your skills a little bit.

Your child has always been around the both of you. So you wonder what's the big deal to having the other parent put the kiddo to bed? And yet for the kiddo, they have learned parent #1 and how to be with them at bedtime. They don't really have the skills for being with the other parent.  For the parent, this doesn't seem like it should be a big deal. For the kiddo, it has little places of insecurity and fear. These places of fear, often add isolation, ashamed and alone, right into that place of fear. And when we feel isolated and ashamed and alone the fear is bigger because we don't have anybody to support us or to help us, or to reassure us, and that adds to this desire to go find a safe place. Go and hide deep inside someplace. So the fear is inside of us. It can be stacked up like messy little heaps of little unresolved fears. For adults often, even for kids, we try to fake it till we make it, or until the fears have rattled us so much inside of our core confidence that we can't do anything besides want to just sit down and cry.

You know, if we try a new experience or skill and it goes sort of okay but then not so great then some of that fear stays inside of us because we achieved it but not to the level where we felt really confident. This need and desire within our brain to go back to safe space, often brings up behavior that looks like regression, because that safe space was at a younger age with younger behavior. We can feel intimidated, over and over again. And in those little intimidations, we want to go and hide. But it could also happen through one big scary experience. Remember how it's big and scary is personal. That means the person who's living the experience gets to decide how big it is, or how dangerous it was for them. Those of us who are watching from the outside, will experience it differently. Our temptation when we're on the outside is to downplay the experience and say it wasn't that big of a deal and they're overreacting.

But it's that attitude and feedback that creates another layer of fear for our kids, or spouse or a partner, or even ourselves. 

So, what do we do when we see that our kiddo is behaving like they did six months ago or nine months ago or two years ago?  First of all, stop and think. Take a breath. This is often what we encourage you to do in the DNA for Fun Communications Course: Think about what is happening.  How  we want it to end or resolve is key in how we approach this. In that thinking we can remember that our kiddo, or our spouse, our partner, probably really doesn't want to go backwards into previous old behavior or emotions or thoughts. They are just looking for an emotionally safe place. They're looking for safety on all levels: socially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally.  When they start to regress, it tells us that they are really scared. So be still. 

We can think about their fright, and as we do, we can think about how they usually calm down. When we interact with them and help them become calm, what do we do? What do they respond to best? That would be your first step in helping them be able to get back into their better behavior and better self. We can help them see that the other space, their older space they were just in a few weeks ago is still a safe place and they can move back into it. But they have to be pretty convinced that moving forward, out of their regressed space into the day to day "now" space is okay to do. It's not just because of your reassurance. They will also have to be convinced that their emotions and their well being, will be safe in this new place. They have to understand their emotions and believe that their emotions will be okay and will not explode them, or totally swamp them if they move on. 

Well, what do we do about this? If we're experiencing it ourselves or if our kiddo is acting like a two year old, where our marriage is becoming pretty messy, just when you were going to clean it up in 2020. We accept their fear as being real and valid. This means we would have the courage to talk about their behavior with them, not with other people. Directly with them. And we would be willing to talk about their feelings and their experiences.  For littles as well as some time for grownups, they can help to draw or to color or to play Legos, or do an easy task while we're chatting. 

Sometimes we say if we move our hands will move our brain. And so, when their brain is sort of stuck in "I can't do it. It's too awful! I'm too awful! It's all too awful!" and doing a little something while we chat can be helpful. We could say things like this, "I've been noticing how quiet you were today. And I also noticed you and your brother fought a lot more. I'm wondering if there's something you're thinking about that feels like a secret."  I'm talking to my little one here, maybe four or five or six. 

"I'm wondering if there's something you're worried about or something you're curious about." 

I'm going to pause and let my kiddo respond but I'm also going to watch them. We know from the DNA for Fun Course that most communication is nonverbal and keeping our eyes connected with someone can give us a lot of information so that we can understand them, not so that we can judge them, but so that we can empathize with them. We might see them sigh a little bit and we might see a little water/tear in their eye, or the way they look down and away. They might say, the fastest sentence of all, "Like, it's not my fault. My brother was doing this and this and this and this!" As they respond you will know that you're on the right track. And then with gentle tones and touches (we're with our kiddo:)  we're just going to affirm that sometimes it's hard to be a good brother. And sometimes when there are lots of people around, we can still feel lonely. And when we affirm their emotions and their experience, then we can think and talk about problem solving. 

Now remember our word H.A.L.T.  If a kiddo, or an adult is too Hungry, too Anxious, too Lonely, or too Tired then this conversation should be put on pause, until those things are resolved. That might mean we don't talk about this until morning. And that might mean that right now we just hug our kiddo, and tell them that you want to talk about some more in the morning.  And that you love them and that you're there with them. And then be sure you do that. 

So let's fast forward it's morning, and we found about 7.5 minutes of space here, and we invite our kiddo, "Hey, let's talk a few more minutes about what we talked about last night at bedtime."  And where we can help them figure out what they can do differently, will help them move into a more current, the now and today space. So if my kiddo and I had started talking, my kiddo might have said something like, "Well, why did brother get that and not me??"  Remember, they assume that when one sibling gets something and the other doesn't, it's an intentional rejection on the part of the parent. And this means that there's something fatally wrong with them. That's a bit extreme, but I want you to catch on to this little storyline that can end up in their head. I hope it's not true in your house. This is not an uncommon storyline for a child and how s/he thinks about herself in the family, but it also can carry over into adulthood. We've talked about that in just the past couple of podcasts, when he says, "Why did brother get that and not me??" They're saying something like, there's something really, really wrong with me!" 

Now comes the power of your unconditional love. This is the most effective, efficient action in communication you can give your child. Unconditional love has those elements of courage and confidence and cooperation and those elements become activated the more you show love and affirmation to your kiddos. Let's move on a little bit. Say that your six year old is having some potty accidents. You're baffled. We are years down the road from wearing diapers. And you are a bit ticked off. This is embarrassing, and confusing. That kid knows better. The answer is yes, they do know better. Listen to what they know: They know better than you, the parent, how scared they are. They know better than you, how much they need your attention, and not your discipline, not your harshness but instead your attention and love.

There's a twist in this. They also know they have to find a way, and the courage to pay attention to their own emotions. And the way they have the courage to pay attention to their own emotions and have that kind of energy is to go back to a safe space or they're calm enough to be able to access their emotions and pay attention to it. So they are just asking for attention from you. Because when you help them feel safe, they can then go and take care of those emotions within them that are begging for them to tend to. This self awareness in the kiddo, and awareness and understanding for you as a parent to know your kiddo is really important in helping them know how to move forward whenever there are scary things. They need to be able to talk within their own head and with you. Without shame, without being blamed, and without being ridiculed. These are key pieces in helping a kiddo move out of regression and back into living in the here and now. 

It's also key if you're an adult, and you're feeling sort of stuck in cycling and spinning, not really able to live the better life you want to be. You see, this is emotional. It is not behavioral. When you try to fix this by correcting behavior, you will not be successful at it because you have to take care of the emotions. In my sentence to my little six year old who's having trouble remembering where the bathroom is, I might be able to say, "I'm a little curious what's happening for you. I'm sort of wondering what you're feeling. Is there something inside of you that's troubling, or scary??"  Well those are a lot of questions!  I wouldn't ask all of them. I might ask one or two, and let the little one answer. 

Your role here is understanding and empathy, trying to get into their little brain in understanding what it is like for them to be six right now. Experience in the world, as they are right now. So it's not about you and how you would feel if you're six or what you would do if you were six. This takes a little bit of thinking and calmness on you, the parents part, to go into your kiddo, and how they are experiencing life and understanding that. To whatever extent you can do that you will be able to share your unconditional love. And you'll be able to affirm that what they are experiencing is real for them. No judgment, no criticism. Just say you get it. Just say, "You're right. Some of this is so hard and confusing." They might say, "I don't know, the pee just happens. I'm just running and all of a sudden, the pee is just coming out of me. I don't know why." They're shamed, they're confused. You can hear it in them. You could say, "Well, you should go to the bathroom earlier!" 

A kinder response, a response that probably will help your child is just this active listening piece. Just saying, "So you're just running in the pee runs out. That must be confusing." Your six year old can now look at you. You haven't blamed or scolded. And they can just say, "Yeah, it's confusing."  And as a mom or a dad You can ask, "What else is confusing for you?" And you might get a little a paragraph. That might sound something like this in relationship to COVID. "I don't get why we have to wear masks when it's hard to breathe. I thought you told me we didn't need to be scared of people and now I am and I'm all worried about you and dad not being alive."  I heard three little scared's in there:  1. Masks 2. Scared of people, 3. Mom and Dad not being alive. I don't know if those are little, but they're three stacked on top of each other. Listen, slow down, put your arm around your kid and reassure them, you and dad are gonna figure it out and be fine. Stay in the empathy mode.

You might be able to say: “So I'm hearing that when you put your mask on, it's hard to breathe, and you're wondering, mom and dad might die.” Your kiddo might answer, "Yeah, cuz when you can't breathe you die. Oh, there's a thought! They got it.  That's true. So you will answer,  "So you are worried that mom and dad will die when we are wearing a mask." Your kiddo nods. I now can say, "Oh, that seems confusing because mom and dad told you to wear your mask to be safe." They nod their head. "And how can you be safe when you can't breathe." I'm going to continue on as a mom."Do you know you're right, to stay alive we have to be able to breathe, you are thinking that true. And the masks are helping us to breathe our own air and not get as many germs from other people. But if you need a little extra air, it's okay to put your mask down and take some good deep breaths. You know, we won't always wear masks and everybody's breath isn't always dangerous to us. Right now we just can't see those Covid germs. And so we don't know which ones to breathe and which ones not to. So the masks are just helping us stay a bit more safe."  As your kiddos get heard by you and understands a bit more of the logic, and you may want to adjust it to what your situation is. The more he understands it, the more important is that you honor this way of thinking and wondering. 

You see, you've heard him. And you've accepted his fear as being real. You haven't ridiculed. In that kind of empathy and reassurance, we get a kiddo, often, to move forward. They feel better emotionally and are less tense. And hopefully, pee less. 

Now you might be in a location in the country where masks are diminishing the wearing of masks, are diminishing instead of increasing. But regression can occur here as well. The kids can feel scared because they aren't wearing their masks and they feel like it's dangerous breathing in regular air. So we might have to talk with them about why the change. We might help them understand that their body is made to protect us from most germs. And as the covid goes down, or away our bodies will keep us safe from the other germs. Sometimes we can describe this in terms of a color and that one color goes down and the other color becomes higher. I wonder if this (idea) would help you if you're in a place where there are mosquitoes. I might just explain when the mosquitoes aren't out, we don't usually have to spray ourselves with mosquito spray. But when there are lots of mosquitoes, we then use mosquito spray. And so right now,the "covid" mosquitoes aren't out. So we don't need to wear a mask. But if there comes a time when there are covid mosquitoes, then we'll put our mask back on.

 You see, what we're trying to do is, gently understand the stresses our kids experience. Now and in the future. The most powerful buffer that we can have to keep our kids from absorbing deep stress is helping them know that they can trust their mom and dad to love them and be there for them. This calms those internal emotions inside of them that just want to scream like crazy about how they feel. That's what they're doing sometimes. As mom and dad are nearby, when mom and dad are calm and collected, then the kiddos can slow down, become more calm and connect to mom and dad's calmness. 

Okay. I think you've gained some understanding hopefully about your kiddos' thoughts and worries and acknowledging their thoughts and worries, that they are hard, and they are scary, and they're weird. They need to see that you're on their team; you are for them. You have given them a safe place to say those thoughts and worries. You've helped them think about how to think about it differently. Mom and dad have approved. And that brings calm and courage to them. 

You could also talk more specifically about peeing and what the kiddo wants to do about it, how he or she wants your help, or wants you to assist. You know, they want to lean into you for courage and for confidence, but also for creativity about how to problem solve. They want to lean into you, and you lean into them,  and then they figure out their own solutions. You have shared your love and your safety with them, keeping them connected to you; not separated out of shame or confusion. 

For your kiddos, no matter where they are in trying to manage their own behaviors, remember that as changes happen, they often become frightened, and that makes their behaviors more goofy. Come to them with that unconditional love and that deep empathy. Eye contact, tones and touch that settle everything down, and you will see that your kiddos respond and move back into a healthier place. It builds resilience from stress for them and for you, not just in the moment, but also in the future.

Our DNA for Fun Communications Course talks more about these connections and about how to apply connections and skills so that you stay connected, regardless of the ages and the situations of your kiddos. I want to encourage you to take a look at that through the Us and Kids website.

You are working hard to be the best parent you can be in every different circumstance that this 2020 season brings us. So I want to cheer you on. 

Be kind and good with each other! So, thank you for joining and I look forward to connecting with you next week. 

Bye bye.