Transcript: Setting Goals

Welcome to the Us and Kids podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent  together.

And today we're talking about goals and setting goals, and how to do that and why to do that, and whether or not it's even doable. When you're raising children and trying to stay married and trying to do all the things you're doing, you might just be glad you made it through the day. That's my goal. 

First of all, when I think of goals. I first of all think of a soccer game. I was a soccer mom for years. And so I thought it is like a goal or another sporting event where the team's goal was to work together to get a ball into a specific space.

Usually, also, the goal is to win the game. Team members work together, they play together, and they focus on agreed upon outcomes. They had to do this work, personally, for their own selves and their own level of determination, and then bring that into the space where they are a team. They had to cooperate and cheer each other on and encourage each other. Often, the team that wins, has a lot of emotional agreement and agreement on the end desire.

There were times when my son played on teams that were more just to have fun. They really didn't care if they won or lost. They wanted to have fun together. And that was their goal and so that's what they did. Sometimes they won. Sometimes they lost, but in the end, they were a team that agreed upon the goal.

But what do goals look like in marriage or parenting?

The game isn't usually that short. It's not just 45 minutes. And can we really set a goal when the day is shifting and changing, when the work schedules are a mess?? How about when the kids get sick or skip their naps or somebody calls and needs help, or whatever. Please tell me, how do you set goals when much of life just seems to disrupt what whatever goal came your way.  I mean, why bother??

 We are going to define what a goal is besides putting a ball in a specified place right. Often I think of a goal as being a specific dream or desire. It's what do I want the end result to be. We talked about this in the DNA for Fun Communications Course when we looked at what you want the end to be. That's your desire and that would be your goal.  When it's specific enough, we can often achieve that goal and measure what parts we didn't achieve. Perhaps we can also  work out why and what to do better, or differently next time. 

To set goals does take a little bit of time and intention. Because in setting goals we have to be able to think of the defined goal and how we would achieve it.  This will require being awake, a bit, at least. . Setting goals when we're really really tired, and brain fatigued is hard for us to do, but also hard for us to carry through. We need to be able to think.

But then a goal, often is not achieved if our emotions don't agree. If we say, I have a goal of losing 15 pounds. That baby weight is going to go (away!). But we don't have the emotional energy or stamina for it. Then we may think it's what we want to but our emotions aren't matching, and that goal is probably not going to get met. So sometimes when you're thinking about why you did not achieve this goal or that goal. you get a see once whether or not your emotions agreed with your thoughts or desires.   Sometimes we have to do a little more journaling or processing in order to get thoughts and emotions to be a little bit more honest with each other, so that we can be in agreement internally, congruently within ourselves. Then the motivation and the focus goes up to where we can take specific steps in order to achieve that goal.

So first of all we want to be able to think, what do I actually want the end to be the end of the conversation, the end of the summer, the end of the year, have to define that and match it up, work it through with our emotions, and then take time to work it through.

So much of this time we're going to sort of develop each one of those ideas in this podcast. Okay, so I'm going to talk a little bit about my summer because I have some goals in the summertime often. I think about last summer, summer is a short season here in Michigan and so to use it the best way that I can I often have to think a little bit and be intentional. So one of my goals for this year is to have water skied 12 times.

That is about once a week, and with my schedule that's fairly realistic, I might get a few more times in, but it forces me to stay focused on that goal and to set other things aside,

I have another goal.

And that is to set aside some of my busy work. You know, there's always dishes to take care of, there's always yard work, there's always a little bit more housecleaning to do. If I don't set it aside. My grandkids come over and they play but I don't play with them.

I don't want that.

I want to play with them, they really don't care about the dishes or whether or not there's another weed in the garden I don't care. And then I want to enjoy some quiet boat rides with my husband and my friends in the quiet of the evening, sometimes under the stars, just really absorbing that peaceful calm. Those are some of my goals for the summer. You can tell, I've thought about them.

And now I have to do some of the emotional work, and the internal work to continue to work to achieve those goals, and not let my anxiety about messy houses or a weedy garden takeover. 

We often have to have the specific skills in the right intensity in application. So for me, this is the specific skills in the right intensity and the right application.

For me, I have to use the right organizational skills and time management skills in order to keep my house at a place that I won't sort of just quietly want to say freak out about right. I have to lower my desire for that perfectly manicured lawn and sparkly clean house at the right intensity. I don't mean that it's a pig pen. I just need it so that we can all function reasonably okay. It doesn't mean I won't ever mow my grass or pull my weeds or clean my house. It means that my intensity about those things are going to lower down when I focus spending time on the people that I love.

You can tell this is internal work. And this is simply what you will do as you work to say what is my goal...and how am I going to get there. And it will have some sacrifice or some give and take in it. You can hear it has a heart attitude and emotional energy that motivates us to choose one goal over another one. I'm choosing the goal to spend time with my husband, on the quiet of the water, to set aside time to ski, instead of do something else, and to play with my grandkids, instead of loading the dishwasher.

You see, having that heart attitude and emotional energy demonstrates what I really wanted.  That want is to demonstrate my love for the people that are in my life, and that come to my house. I have to trust that  they are coming to spend time with me and not to judge or assess my house cleaning or my lawn care or gardening skills.

So I'm inviting you to just pay attention here for your own goal setting and listen to the small changes that you have to make internally. In order to make it so that your goal is attainable. This requires you to think, and consider your feelings, so that your actions are congruent and you can  achieve your goal. 

Let's think this through for a minute for you. What is your goal for the next four to six weeks in my world in six weeks? Summer's about over. You probably noticed my goals were specific.

That's part of achieving a goal is knowing exactly what you're going after. I want to waterski 12 times. I want to play with my grandkids enough times. I want to play with them enough times to remember it without sadness, for not doing it enough. And I want to take advantage of quiet evenings with my husband, Chip.

So, we could break this down into three different goals: Water skiing,  intentional grandkid time and intentional husband time.

It's specific.

That helps set up for the next step in achieving the goal. So while you think about what you desire or what you would dream, and what you want for the next few weeks, write it down but make it specific. How do you want to get clear on those goals, who might be able to assess your level of commitment to it?  So my commitment to my water skiing is a bit tricky because over the years, I have become a bit more picky about the condition of the water and the waves, before I say yes to skiing. So this is my 12 number of times to ski with a plus or a minus,

depending on the weather conditions over the summer, and the lake conditions, and my level of pickiness. I could ski more if I wasn't so picky. I agree with that. I'm taking my level of commitment to this on the waterskiing with a bit of plus or minus because I don't know if I am totally buying into 12. I'm just saying to myself to do that often -  don't forget to go (skiing). My commitment to my grandkids and my husband is probably a bit higher. That's gonna take a little bit more intentional priority setting for me, and a little bit more adjusting. This is the work I have to do within myself.  Lower my anxiety about a messy house or the list of things to do when the evening is gorgeous. I will have to choose to stay committed to my goal of taking a boat ride with my husband.

You can hear. We have specific pieces to our goals. And then we have to have commitment. And we have to have some give and take, or some sacrifice. What commitments will you have to adjust or rebalance in order to achieve your goal? This is a normal part of goal setting is to realize that there's give and take, and that the value of the goal is larger than the value of what I'm giving up.

Another piece about goals, is that they are usually best set when they are just a little bit outside our reach when they force us to have a little challenge to them. If they are too easy. We don't chase after them. If I have a goal to water ski three times this summer. My goal would be already reached, and then I would just be letting the other wonderful days of water and gorgeousness slip right on by me.

The other thing that would happen if the challenge isn't big enough, then, because I don't practice it enough, my confidence goes down. So it's often what happens. We don't set that goal high enough that instead of goals building our confidence, we lose confidence because that goal wasn't just a little bit outside our reach. It's a little bit to remember it's not a lot. It's a little bit. If I only skied three times this year. Then my confidence when the next ski season comes around, is going to be less because I didn't practice enough. So as you look at your goals. Make sure they have some challenge to them, not impossibility. Just some challenge that forces you to stay focused into it. “ Oh yeah, I was gonna do that! I gotta do that!!”

So, let’s say your goal for the next four to six weeks, is to spend a couple hours a week on the back deck with your husband or your spouse. Then my question is, is that what you usually do, or is it more than what you usually do? If it's what you usually do, then there's no challenge. So then you would say, “What's my upgrade?”

What you could upgrade might be what you talk about, or how you interact with each other. Maybe you can upgrade with more time, with how vulnerable you are with each other, or with by closer to each other and learning more about each other. What would you have to sacrifice to make that happen?? It's in some of that sacrifice or challenge that makes a goal desirable. It helps us chase after it.

And would you have to be less critical in order to have those evenings on the deck more pleasant?  Would you have to be less uptight about the messes you're leaving behind in the house?

Another goal might be thinking that  youI need to drink more water, and less wine. Is that possible? It's summer!!

How would you achieve that goal?

Does it come in buying less wine? Does that mean that you don't go near that section of the store? Does it mean that you take your wine off from your grocery store delivery app? Does that mean you make an agreement with your husband that says we're going to use smaller glasses?  We're going to make one bottle last two nights? Does it mean we're going to put money into an account that says this is for our weekend getaway? And instead we're drinking it up on the back deck every night, I'd rather go away for the weekend. 

Do you hear the specificity in that?

Thinking about a goal means we have to think about the sacrifice? What's the challenge in it?  Make that specific. Those are specific steps. And in those specific steps we have specific gains. If it's too vague we just go in circles. When we just talked about the wine. We also added one more little element, and that is that often goals are best achieved when there's some social support. Like from your spouse.

If your spouse is in agreement and says, "Yeah, I want to save money!  I'd rather do a weekend getaway." Now you can do it together and cheer each other on and hold each other accountable, and that builds growth for both of you. And both of you together because in achieving that goal together, you bond, you build more connections together.  You say, "We can do it!!" and you learn to honor the other person and support them and value the marriage and the relationship over your own desire for another glass of wine.

So often when we talk about goals, and we say, "Well how do I really achieve them? What's a little trick?" We talk about the word "POP", because our goals pop, meaning they're happy, they show up, they have a little zip to them. When we put them on paper, POP is Put On Paper. I don't care if it's electronic paper, I don't care if it's a regular paper.  Putting them On Paper, makes them real.

It's not just an idea anymore it's concrete, our brains recognize that and our emotions sink into it a little bit more, and realize we're serious. This helps to build our self confidence, and our sole focus for achieving the next step. Because as we talk about these goals in the context of marriage and parenting. It helps make both our marriages and our kiddos thrive. Wake up and join back into this a minute!  It's important that you hear this section. As humans, and for good mental health littles and older people, we want and need to be challenged into becoming better people and into having better relationships. This is an internal drive within human beings.

It is this continuous challenge to upgrade and improve that actually improves our mental well being. It improves our confidence. It improves our focus and improves our ability to help others and be empathetic and encouraging and inclusive. It's true for adults. And it's true for our kiddos. So, now take this idea again and move it into setting goals. This isn't just a brand new idea. This is crucial to really good mental health. And in this good mental health brings about really good relationship health, which brings about really good parental and family health. It's just a wonderful circle when you're working all together!

You see, helping our kids, helping our spouses and ourselves set goals, builds self esteem. And on that, builds self confidence, and with our kids but also with adults, it builds an ability to self soothe and become whole. For ourselves and our kiddos we want to be sure these goals are specific. This is where we said P.O.P.  Write them down. Within this POP, of Put it On Paper, we're going to also put down how we are going to know when we achieve the goal.

 The long word for this is that it's measurable. Use stars, smiley faces, collections of pennies, anything to help measure the success that we're having and achieving the goal. It also helps us assess or determine whether or not our goal is attainable. Any goal that's attainable is one that has to be just outside our reach it has to have a little stretch in it. Not a whole lot outside our reach, but a little bit. 

So, let's think that we want our little one to be able to dress themselves by the end of the summer. This might be a great goal for a two or three year old. However, If it's your goal for your two month old is probably not attainable. With a two or three year old, we can help them, we can teach them some of the tricks, and we can give them grace and space to wear their shirt backwards, shoes on the wrong feet and their shorts inside out. They're attaining the goal bit by bit by bit.

The goals also have to be somewhat relevant. My goal of water and water play is relevant because I live on a lake. It might not be relevant to you. You don't live near water. It's possible that your goal of having your two year old know how to put on shorts and a shirt and shoes might be relevant. But maybe if you're living in a place where it's mostly hot outside, and you aren't going to very many places, then the little kids are going to see very little sense in wearing a shirt or shoes; s/he might not see much sense in wearing shorts. It's too hot!

Remember that you're looking for something that makes sense and is just a little bit outside their reach and is relevant to the time and the place. You might have to explain this a little bit to your little one, and you might have to explain some of it to your spouse, because relevance makes a difference in terms of other people encouraging you towards that goal, but also in doing the goal with you.

I've been talking about this like what is your goal towards the end of the summer.  I'm looking in six to eight weeks from now. Because in setting goals we need to have something that has a specific time frame. Okay, 6 weeks or something that sort of I can often get my arms around in terms of what am I trying to accomplish and it gives me some room to have some grace to accomplish or not accomplish it. But goals can be what is our goal in the next six hours. We can think of all the things we have to have done! It's the time frame, when everybody is in agreement on it and knows what it is that helps group goals work. It builds a group level of emotional energy, so that we can stay focused on it, and achieve it over time. If we just said that we wanted our two year old to be sure they knew how to get dressed  before they went to high school. Well that takes the pressure off from learning it now.  

But if I remember that fall is going to be busy and one of the things that would be really helpful is if my little could dress themselves somewhat appropriately. Now we have a timeframe with a little bit of pressure behind it. And we have a reason to make it happen. This timeframe builds up focus that makes it so that we can continue to stay energized toward that goal. This springs from our thoughts and feelings.  Remember we started out talking about how goals had to consider both our thoughts and our feelings. When we can feel the chaos of the fall building in. And so we are thinking about how to lower that chaos, by making sure our two year old knows how they could trust. You got to put them together and we're now talking within our family structure. So that everybody's on board.

Look at your goals, and make sure they're obtainable, and then adjust them so that they work together in a way that's just a little bit out of reach. So there's courage and there is a good sense of accomplishment and empowerment growth as you work together - especially you and your spouse, but also as you add kiddos into this. You will see that you're building a really solid marriage and family life. It's fulfilling. And it's unlimited in what you can achieve together, and that becomes really good.

So what if the goals aren't really happening very well? I'm going to say, go back to your paper and reread. What was that plan? What was the goal? And for you, did you think it through well enough and did your spouse think it through well enough so that you were in agreement there? And evaluate that.

Our next conversation is going to be, next podcast is going to be, about conflict resolution, and often there's conflict in agreeing upon a goal. So plan on listening into this one next week. Yeah, you're saying we aren't in agreement at the goal level, but if you are in agreement at the goal level, then just go back there and say, What do we need to adjust?'' Give grace, listen carefully and give room for adjustment, as you do.

You will build camaraderie and cooperation and connections. That will give you this practice of being able together, to look into the future with each other and for each other. And then you will continue to improve your communication. And as you do that you'll learn more how to encourage your spouse, and your kid into making really good healthy changes and growth, circling back around to the top because building those changes and those goals, build really good mental health.

 We're building our littles' brain architecture. And we want them to know how to take on challenges and achieve them without shame and doubt, with confidence, and with courage. And we show them how to do it. Not just by helping them with their little goals, but also by living our goals and celebrating our little and big wins together.

You know, if you want more support and getting those goals met, then be sure to checkout and join the DNA for Fun Communications Course, that's offered on the Us and Kids website in just eight weeks, your goals can be clarified and the skills for achieving them will be developed. They will last a lifetime. You can teach them to your kiddos. They build up both a strong marriage and a strong family in the same space, one course, and lots of skills for marriage, and for family.

I'm cheering for you. I'm glad you joined me today, and I wish you a great summer day or whatever day you're living in. Set those goals, put them on paper, and follow them through to the end, we'll talk to you later.

Thanks again for joining. Bye bye.