Transcript: Father's Day

Welcome to the Us and Kids podcast.  I am your host, Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. You and I know it's not an easy task. So I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm really glad you're here, so that you're marriage and your home can be fulfilling and so very good.

Today our topic is about fathers. I know, Father's Day just passed last week. And so we just wanted to, sort of, let you keep thinking about it.  There can be a lot of pressure around dads. And sometimes, it's important to understand, "What's my role in this?"  So I wonder: What do you think; is being a dad great? Is having your husband next to you as the dad wonderful?  Or are you both, as husband or wife, a little mystified by what's the role of a dad. Sometimes it's true. It's easy to wonder about what our role is as dads, or how we fit into the business, but the kids' mom seems to know inside and out.

Hmm, let's see what other people might tell you. You're important as a dad, but maybe it doesn't feel like it. Is your role really just to discipline, bring home some money and fix things?  Do you wonder sometimes? Do I ever get to be a husband again?  Am I just a dad? Maybe, sometimes you feel like you lost your wife to motherhood and to parenting. That's sort of an ugly place to be - wondering what your role is as a dad and feeling a bit left out or lost as a husband isn't a really great space.

But what if, what if your role is it dad and a husband were better defined, and you understood the value and the importance of living well, in both spaces, together. Let's start out with a husband. I know it's Father's Day, we're gonna start out with a husband.  In DNA for Fun Communications Course, we talk  about the D, which is Define your Desire.  Often it could also be, what do you Dream of, what did you long for when you got married. If you know that you'll be able to know what you want to be like, as a husband. 

Where do you want to have influence in that relationship with your wife? Is it a good influence? Are you building a good relationship with her? What do you want your marriage to look like? Take a minute to sort of think that through. Talk it through with your wife. 

And then we would say, also in that D part of DNA: define your desire or know what you dream.  This means what do you want to be or do as a dad. Now, some of this can be built off from the role models you had around you and picking from those models to behaviors and attitudes you want to keep. And knowing those behaviors that you  want to bring into your family.

 In the DNA for Fun Course we can help you define those desires, clarify your dream, and then learn and use skills, respectively, to grow those attributes that you want to keep. And we can help you nicely dismiss those attributes and attitudes, actions, you don't really care to repeat.  While you still might be thinking: "Okay, that's nice if I get that all figured out. But really what is my role as a dad for a kid. 

This baby is just a baby. 

They don't recognize me, there's nothing going on here. 

Am I really all that important? 

The kids always go to mom. 

I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing here, and how I can help except for maybe dishes in laundry and who cares, right, really not my interest." 

Let's develop that idea about the role of being a dad for a little bit more. We have a growing body of research about the impact of dads on the development for their kids.  It's been a neglected area of research for quite some time and now it's just bursting with information. So it's sort of fun, at least from the research side of me. 

Here's some of the latest so you don't have to go dig in too far. 

First of all, the bonding, or the connections with your little one starts with pregnancy. Now some research will go back farther, and will say, it starts with the quality of your sperm.  We used to think your (the guy’s)  lifestyle didn't matter. But now some research says that it does. However, at this point -  you're a dad. We know that it's too late. The quality of your sperm is what it is.  So we're gonna move forward a little bit farther, with the new-found wisdom of being close to your wife and your newborn during pregnancy. But what does that mean? That means join her in learning about each little developmental phase that's happening while your little one’s in utero.

So much happens that we can now see of what's underneath that skin inside your wife. It's fascinating. It gives the two of you, husband and wife, a way to bond around this little one. It starts to build that base for the two of you and you'll begin to practice being mom and dad, as well as being husband and wife. In this space of pregnancy, without the little one crying, the two of you connect and build those dreams together so that you're united when birth happens and baby ends up in your arms. It gives you that bonding. This is crucial to you and your wife on the marriage side, It's also interestingly enough, crucial to the development of your little one.

I am saying that the marriage relationship deeply impacts a child's relationship with their parents. The better the marriage relationship, almost always, the better the child's relationship with the parents. So, build that marriage relationship. Don't slip away from that even though your wife looks really different in her body shape and some time, in attitude and action. Pregnancy is a big deal to a woman in her brain, and her body. Help her learn about it, but also you learn about it so you can have the empathy and the understanding and the excitement that she has.  These things are just amazing when you go into the science of them and you become willing to learn about what is happening.   Don’t be scared - be interested!

Remember, it's been happening for years! Remember, just a few years ago, you were in your mama's womb, and you are doing the same development. And when we look at it over a lifespan, human infant development is absolutely phenomenal, at least in my brain.

 What else do we know? We know that your little one needs you, Dad. Not just a mom, but a dad, for that development of good cognitive, emotional and physical growth. And that happens when they're in utero, and for the rest of their life.  Your interacting with them doesn't need to start when they have homework. It starts when they are born, because they are building millions of little neuron connections, and your face to face conversation with them helps those connections to grow. I know, they can't talk back. But while you are giving voice and sound and inflection and touch feedback back to them, you are helping their brain to develop and learn how to connect to those things in a way that helps them discern what is safe; what isn't safe. They are learning, from you, what is trustworthy and what is not. And that is the base of their brain development that they will build everything else off from.

So, your little one wants to connect to your smell, your touch, your eyes, and your voice. It settles them down. And it builds that trust that over the years, you will continue to build, so that when you have to give a direction or help them sort of readjust to a situation, they trust that you are in it with them and you are for them. 

One of the things we talk about in the DNA for Fun Connections that Matter module, the first module,  we talked about how our little ones brain architecture is built in the first five years of life. And you are one of those people, a very, very important "one of those people", that's developing their brain. So being involved brings good results, not just for you in your connection and feeling an important part of the family here, but also really important for your little one. 

So let's talk about that architecture just a little bit more. You play a role here.

Now, this isn't true for all dads, but for many dads, based on research, is that often dads allow for more risk than moms do.  Mom says: No". Moms protect, moms hover a little bit more, and dads allow kids to try things that moms would protect against. But, dad, don't be overly dangerous. Be aware that sometimes when you are wanting to play a little bit more rough, or not standing within three inches of your kid,  that that's fairly normal for a dad to do. And it's fairly normal for mom to say, "Get closer!  Don't get so far away!"  

My husband is a good example of this. He's not a short man. He has a fairly good sized hand but he would take our little ones, and he would put their feet on the palm of his hand and then he would hold on to their little fingers, (they're not infants at this point but they're maybe somewhere between that three to seven eight months old), and he would help them,  hold  them as they stand up on his hand while he is standing. And then he would try to help them balance on his hand. And I'm like, "Don't let them fall, don't!!

I was all concerned about it. And they never fell. They started to tip over. Then we'd giggle. No one ever got hurt. There were four kids who practiced this on my husband's hand. No one was ever hurt. My heart went freaky every time. No one was ever hurt. As the kids got a little bigger, my husband was great

at doing flip overs. He still is. The kids would run, land on his ankles and knees, he would flip them over with his legs, grab their shoulders with his hands, and they would land on their feet above his head. He was laying on the floor.  They loved it. I was worried. They were fine. And now you know what my grandkids are cheering for grandpa to do flip overs too!

Now, right now, the moms, (who are my daughters and who did flip overs with their daddy) did not cringe. They don't cringe.They smile with joy. They remember how much fun it was to fly to the air with their daddy's hands firmly on their shoulders, and then landing on their feet.

You'll have to pick your own best balance of what's dangerous and what's not dangerous. We want you to be wise. We also want to know that your inclination to take a little more risk is pretty natural. At any age, and any stage, those comments that I just made are ongoing. The need to bond, the need to be interested does not stop. The need for your kiddos to hear their voice, your touch, your smell, your communication, your feedback is valuable.  Do these bonding actions as best you can, because they're good for you, they're good for your kids, and they're good for your marriage.

Listen to your kids. This is what your kids are giving to you are their words. Even when your toddler is saying words you do not understand, when your little one is having their diaper changed and they're cooing and kicking their legs, listen to them.  Pay attention. Listen, and work to say something back. Work to figure it out and work to find a way to say, "Yes". 

Your little ones have lots of emotions, lots of desires and lots of wishes. And when you find a way to say yes to some of them, they learn to trust you more. And then you can share your other ideas, along with theirs. They learn to trust your input and how to adjust their idea, so that it's a better idea. This happens from time to time, especially when we're  playing with them. Share your imagination and ideas with them while playing with cars and trucks or with dollies or a ball.   Through your imagination and ideas you can do some teaching and also let them hear your "yes and yay for you! "It is so good for them to play with you and hear from you. 

Our son was a little bit older, he wanted to build a snowboard ramp in our backyard. We found ways to say yes. He was about 12 years old.  He had to bring us plans that were drawn out like actual measurements, financial estimates for cost, and then build it himself. Yes, he bought it himself. And dad did most of the supervision, and the ramp was awesome. It had great memories with it. Now, I was a little like, "That's too steep! Nope! That's going to make them go too fast!!"  We went with it. And it was wonderful. They spent hours in the snow, building up the runs and making it so that they could have a ball, and they did.

You see, it's being available and interested in having emotional energy and interest for your kids that's the key to your bonding with them. As they connect with you that trust is built.  I know, I've said it several times because I want you to get it. The key in these first five years is building this trust.  They need to experience that when they give feedback to you, you respond.  And that when you give feedback to them, it's good, and safe for them. It helps them be honest with you. Over time, this is crucial. It helps them rely on your strength and your good character to copy when their friends are pushing them to act otherwise. They need to be able to follow you; become follow-able without shame. Peer pressure is real. Even at daycare. Your model of self control, of empathy, of interest in sharing, helps them live well, even at that little age.

They're learning, they're young, they won't do perfect. Your modeling of that by doing it with them, doing it for them is really important, and good for the long haul. Let's think about that. If there's peer pressure at daycare or there's peer pressure at school, we still want them to be able to draw from you.  You have shown them how to manage the pressures,  and how to define themselves when they feel really insecure about a topic they're not understanding, how to hold their own when someone is trying to push them into cigarettes or drugs or stealing something.

They're going to draw from you. 

So, on the one hand, no pressure dad. On the other hand, if you just live it well, almost every day and in a consistent way, they'll get it.  And it will become a natural part of their brain architecture, and they won't be so intimidated by resisting something that's not a good choice. 

So what's your next step? How do you want to upgrade your dad-ness. Do you want more emotional energy or interest?  You're going to do use a little bit more of that instead of going into your phone?

And you're going to use more play or more patience. Maybe less punishment. You can become more helpful around and with your wife, so that there's less of "it's her job", and more of, "we're in it together!"  It's us. You can use more touch that is happy and that is into it.  Not just hug with a phone in your hand, or with talking to somebody else, but a hug that looks at their faces and says to them,  "So glad to see you!"

Being a dad is a big deal. Not just for them. But for you too. And for your wife. And being a dad and a husband has doubled the joy when you do it together with your wife. I encourage her to join the DNA for Fun Communications Course with you. Because then both your marriage, and your parenting connections will grow together, and your marriage and your kiddos will have the relationships that are really fun. They're fulfilling  they're unlimited in the conversations and opportunities, and they're naturally good. 

Check out the Us and Kids website, because you'll find a whole lot more information there about the DNA for Fun Communications Course.  You will find a really good introductory price that will boost up your skills, not just for being a good husband, but for being a great dad. I know you took a few minutes to listen to this, and even if the dad didn't listen share it with a dad, and use these skills because really, they're good for anybody!

I'm so glad you joined me today and I look forward to seeing you in the DNA for Fun Course. Bye.