Transcript: 

D is for Divorce

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host, Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and grandma. This podcast is about to be married forever, while you pair it together, you and I both know, it’s not an easy task to do both. So I encourage you today to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcast.

I am sure glad that you are here, so that you can help make sure your home and marriage, and personal life are fulfilling and so very good!

The topic today is not really an easy one: we're gonna talk about the D word. Want to guess which one it is. It goes like this. Is it denial?
Depression?
Is it divorce?
Is it distracted or disliked or disappointed?
Or disillusioned? 
Or is it doable?
Which one shall we pick?

Guess I'm the host...I guess I get to pick today:)  We are doing....

The D is Divorce. 

Why are we talking about it? Because it is exactly the reason why I developed Us and Kids, and the DNA for Fun Communications Course. Divorce is often planted right in the spaces after we become parents. It doesn't happen in the spaces when we first become married. It happens in the spaces after we become early parents, and it can grow and develop and fester for years before divorce happens. The seeds are planted, often in those first few years of parenting. And if we work the DNA for Fun Communications Course  and process, we can pull that weed,  or make it so that it never gets planted. And it's springtime, I'm pulling weeds like crazy in my garden.

I'll tell you what. Let's get rid of that D for divorce! Let's do it now, and make sure that the garden of your marriage becomes really really pretty! You'll agree with me that, along with divorce because I'm sure you know somebody, comes those other D’s: Depression, distraction, disappointment disillusionment, discouragement, dismay, denial.

I don't really know anybody who likes divorce. It is most often disliked by everyone involved in it. Oh, don't get me wrong. There are times when divorce is simply the only safe way for a safe life at all levels. There are times when that is true. What I'm focusing on here is what makes space for that divorce seed and the D word to land in a relationship in the first place. 

So we're going to do it by sort of telling a little story.  The D word is heavy enough; we're going to assume that we can help you understand how this happens, via a story, sort of generic here. 

Start with boy and girl, meet. Yeah!  They smile and wink, they go and they begin to spend time together. They laugh, they play. They talk seriously. They like how the other interacts and they see once if they think they have any lasting energy in the relationship. 

Often it doesn't start that way. Often We're just having fun, right?  It's just sort of a casual dating or just for fun goofing off space. Sometimes it has alcohol and other extra things in it. It’s not always the best way to make a bond between someone, but often part of the truth in the relationship in those first three months of dating with this cute little boy and girl, young man and young woman.

Hormones are released to create a bond between boy and girl. These hormones, we don’t have much choice about them, they help us feel a little euphoric. They  give us courage and insight and energy and desire!. They give us the energy to stay up all night talking, saying things we would never say. We talk about things we would never talk about, we try things we never thought we would try. They're fun.

 And while we're doing that in between us, between boy and girl, is building a base for that relationship. Because after three to six months, those hormones start to go away. And what's supposed to have been built in its place while they dissipate is really good emotional bonding. This is trust. This is knowing that the other person's got your back, knowing that they will be kind and dependable. We need to know that there's enjoyment in that person's personality and their behaviors. You like how they treat others, and how they treat you. This emotional bonding is then what keeps them interested and the energy going so they keep on getting to know each other and they keep trying other things.

But also, as hormones wear off they can see things a little more clearly. Because those hormones are like putting on heavy glasses and everything looks happy and wonderful.

So hormones go away - they have the glasses come off and we become a little bit more realistic. So, as they come off when we become more realistic. Sometimes we keep on enjoying the other person. But sometimes they just start to annoy us and what is cute is now disgusting, or annoying.  And this is often the space where it's appropriate to break up. We haven't done a good job of bonding. And that means we don't have a good enough base for a long term relationship. 

However, that's not really the case for this cute little couple. They did have some of the hormones wear off and wonder about what was going on in the relationship question what their close friend was doing. For example, at first, the boy always chewed gum. And the girl liked the smells and the flavors and she tried some of it. But now, his gum chewing is annoying to her. It's loud, it's just confusing and distracting. Hmm.

And for the guy, he thought - yeah it's okay. She's always 15 minutes late but I don't mind waiting you know she always looks great and, you know, it's okay if she wants things to be 15 minutes late. That's fine.

But now he’s beginning to think of it as a self centered and controlling sort of thing. He wants to tell her that if she doesn’t want to want to go, she should just tell him. And he begins to assume that's why she's late. Hmm. Well, they had to do a little bit of talking, 

Let's say that this couple does talk things through. And they become a little more close. They listen carefully. They use compassion. She explains that the gum chewing is distracting for her. And she understands that he chews gum to help him think when he's anxious or he uses it when he needs to stay awake. And so one of the when one of those situations is happening, she just goes with it, without taking up all that emotional distress. 

 And he learned to understand that her lateness was an effort to try to get things perfect.  Not a terribly great habit to always be late... but it was a message from her that she wanted to show her love for him by being just right. And together they understood that it was sweet to want things perfect. It's a nice thought. And they agreed. 

It's also important to know that even when they weren't perfect, they were loved. So she learned to lean into the trust of his acceptance and love. And by using really good listening skills, along with saying what they knew was going on, emotionally, they bonded and connected into an even better and stronger place. They were kind with each other while they talked through things that bothered them, and they were compassionate and generous in how they made adjustments. 

So, after hanging out, nine months, maybe a year or more, they got married. It was a fun wedding. And they promised to be married forever!  And they were even gonna have kids together forever. And then those bonds that they had built up over dating and early marriage years, bonds of fun and conversation, play, and sincerity and helpfulness between each other, and goals that were achieved around money or careers or more friendships or living situations. They talked about them, they sought them together, they worked at them together, and in so many ways they achieved a lot. Perfect marriage! In so many ways, listen to their base because it was really good and nice. 

And then they got pregnant, and no couple could have been happier. They focused all of their energy towards the baby and parenting goals -  in the nursery and childbirth classes, and baby care, all things baby. And along comes that cute little bundle. Just a bundle of joy. That's what they were told. 

And so they put on their happy face. Through the sleepless nights, through the physical healing process for mom, through the doctor's visits.

And the reality of sleepless nights and balancing work, taking in daycare, trying to manage laundry and food, and housework and finances and other pressures set in. And away went sleeping together on the same schedule, doing their chores, the household stuff and the laundry together. Now one was always doing baby or sleeping and the other one was chugging away the chores. And the  laying laughing, the touching, the dating, the goofing off spontaneity of before all dwindled away. And the husband and wife joy, melted into mom and dad.

There was still joy. And there was confusion and sadness, because they could feel the bounce and the energy of their marriage has mellowed out. Well, they talked about it, they got a date night they canceled it three times for various, no one's “fault” reasons. They finally got their date night they came back tired and worried. They just didn't have the energy to figure out what they were going to do or to even know what to do about it. They didn’t connect that well, not like they used to. And you can see this is what I'm talking about. 

This is where that little seed of divorce of disconnect begins to grow. It gets planted here. Our couples, mom and dad just chalk it up to being too tired. It's too noisy. It's too overwhelming, it's too, whatever. And they don't really go find husband and wife back very well again. They try to talk about their marriage, and they sort of agree that this is what happens when you have kids. You just put yourself, both of you as a team, into all kids. 

And that works sort for the kids, but it doesn't work for the marriage, because the marriage is crucial to how well the kids are. We need both. Mom and Dad, and a Husband and Wife. That's what creates really solid child development is a very good marriage development. That's why we're talking about divorce - because we don't want that seed to really have any space to be in your relationship.

Use DNA for Fun. We can get rid of that seed.

And this couple knew it! They took DNA for Fun Communications Course, because they were really pretty far apart. You see, what happened is they didn't know how to keep up all the sides and the angles to the relationship.

When we add those kids that requires the ability to balance another hat on their head and it kept on falling off. And they were too tired  and they couldn't find the hat. It fell off out there somewhere. And eventually, that mom and dad hat  just sort of got trampled on and stuffed in the corner,  and they couldn't really find it.

But other hats kept piling on more pets, more kids, money, jobs and careers, helping aging parents, kids with special needs, volunteering at school or in other places, trying to hang on to friendships being an adult. And that bonding that they had early on was such a dandy good place. It isn't gone, but begins, and begins to wear thin.

Sadly, it  began for this couple to make room for other random - never thought I would feel this way - thoughts. Thoughts of,

 “Oh, I just prefer to do this instead of sitting on the couch with her.” 

“ I prefer to hang out with that person instead of with my spouse.”

 “ I'm just going to take care of myself.” 

“ My spouse doesn't really care what I look like anyway so I'm going to do whatever I want to do.” 

“ There's really not much energy for us, me anymore, nobody's really all that interested.” 

That's true not just in the bedroom or in ongoing conversation but also in eye contact or in sluggles or smiles, or hugs or really anything. And slowly over the years the silence, or the fight, build, and the silence, or the fights become louder and longer and bigger, and then indifference becomes the accepted space of this new normal. That's it, but so does sadness, loneliness and separation. These are some of the roots of divorce. 

Now there's just like a weed.  It doesn't mean we can't get rid of it and pull it out. It just means we have to give it a little harder pull. This couple isn't talking about the divorce, that's happening 10 years down the road yet.

They are just trying to make it through the day.

And with DNA for Fun we can learn the skills to make it through the day so that being married forever while you're parenting together really is fun and doable. This couple has a little bit of work to do here now, as they go through this space and time. Because when husband and wife are quite far away, you can see the space for other things really moves in.

I'm gonna say it again.

Fear Not!  

If you're thinking, “This is what's happening to us!” I want to just encourage you. This is fixable. And it's preventable. Our cute couple had good starting skills. They weren't perfect but they were good. They did know how to care for each other. They knew how to be compassionate, interested, energetic with each other and they knew how to set goals and achieve them. They have those skills, way back there or somewhere. Were they perfect?  No, but they were good enough to keep a young marriage together. 

And as they signed up for DNA for Fun they began to refocus what was their desire for their family and their desire (that’s the D, Desire) They desired for their family that they would be married forever while they parent together. They wanted both, and they want to be able to wear both hats. Clearly, they wanted their connection points from their first fun date to still be there on their 40th anniversary.  They wanted their compassion and care and empathy to be able to help them through the rough spots. They didn't want to be self centered. They remembered how well they used to listen and understand each other without taking offense. They wanted to be able to do that again.

Both missed the touch, the hugs, the helpfulness and the relaxing touches. Sometimes they missed even the sassy and inviting or tempting touches. They wanted to remember how to say yes, and how to say no, without any offense. And they wanted to be able to parent in the same direction with the same goals, towards what they wanted their kiddos in their family to be like. Together they wanted joy and calm, and then they wanted to have a life that was fulfilling, unlimited and naturally good together. The family, and the marriage. I agree! Great goals! Let's do it!

Because you see, really the D word is for doable. It is possible to be married forever while you parent together. This is one of the biggest challenges in adult life.

And it's doable.

You want to get a little boost in your relationship?

Take a look at DNA for Fun Communications Course on the Us and Kids website.  It's there for you to get to that upgrade, and it's worth it, it'll set you up for a lifetime.

I think you will really enjoy it.

Even if it's not the right time for you to do a DNA for Fun Communications Course, take care of making sure that ugle “D” is not getting planted or snuck in the back corner of your relationships. 

Take good care of each other. You guys are worth it. Now I want to say thank you for listening to my little story. And thank you for joining me today. I look forward to connecting with you through the DNA for Fun Communications Course or on our Facebook page.

Talk to you later. Bye bye.
Jan:)