Transcript:

Grief as a Child

 

Hi!

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. You and I know it's not an easy task, especially around the topic we're talking about today. So I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here, so that you and your marriage and your home can be so fulfilling and very, very good.

 

 I just hinted a little bit, that the topic we're talking about today isn't necessarily a really happy one. but it is a rather common one. And the topic is about grief or loss for a child, and how they experience that, but also how we can help them develop skills to get through it. First of all, we need a bit of a definition. Let's understand what we mean by grief or loss. This is mostly an emotional definition. The loss or grief happens because someone or something precious is gone out of their life - either permanently or temporarily. And so it can happen when we can lose a person through death or divorce or moving, or just becoming non available. Sometimes there's grief when the child moves from one classroom to another, or when a friend moves away and they're just not very available, even if they moved across town. They're just not right next door like they used to be. And so there is sadness and confusion in that for a little person. 

 

We can also have grief around the loss of an ability to do something that you want to do, or that you like to do because these things build your identity. So it could be the time of year where we can't play soccer, because it's snowy outside, or the baseball fields aren't ready, or the basketball is flat. Those are small things in some ways. But for some kids, where these activities  add to their identity and when the kiddo thinks they are pretty good at it (doing that activity), and  now they can't do it -  there can be a sense of loss. 

 

So you can see I'm talking about small losses and things that we think, “Oh, get over it!” Two big losses. The skill is often very similar. It may not need to be as intense for different things. But the skills that we want our kids to have in order to move through a loss and have that loss become helpful in their life instead of a hindrance are very similar. 

 

Now why is it somewhat different for a child than for an adult to move to a loss process? One of them is because a child, especially little children, so I'm talking our infants to our 2,3,or 4 year olds just have far less language. They have less emotional knowledge and less emotional awareness, not necessarily less emotional experience. They just don't know that this is grief. They don't know what's happening inside their heart and their mind. So there's confusion there. They know something's happening. They just don't know what this is. And that confusion for them can be very very scary. Many times, they also have less permission to grieve. What do I mean by that?  Well, they may have less permission because we don't really think that it should be that big a deal for them. We don't know what to do with them (our kids in grief and/or their emotions) and so we just have them move on. And we don't really let them have space for just living in the moment and becoming aware of that emotion. And thirdly, often they just have less soothing skills. 

As we have gone through a variety of losses in our adult life,  we've figured out things that help us settle down and calm down. I know that if I work out I feel better, if I play my piano I feel better, and if I journal I might feel better. If I plant or make something pretty, I feel better  and by hanging out with friends I feel better. And if I pray. I feel better. Those are soothing skills for me. Many times our little ones don't have those skills, they don't know them, and they don't know that those skills would work. 

 

So what happens to a little one if we don't help them to develop the skills? One thing is that they can create some internal vows. So they might vow, or determine in their own little brain to not ever become that close to someone again, because they don't ever want to feel this again. And now they correlate, I was close to that person with them being gone. I don't want to feel that again. Don't get so close. Another vow might be: I'm never going to let these feelings come to the surface again. I'll be close to someone, but if they leave and I will never tell anybody how much I hurt. I'm not going to pay any attention to those. But another vow they might make is that, I'll know my own pain as a little person, but I'm gonna fake it and not tell anybody else. And it's just gonna hurt and hurt and hurt and I think I'm going to be able to hide that. They probably can't, but they're going to try. It's a vow they make to themselves. And another one is. Well, that pain? I'm just going to distract myself from it. I'm not going to pay any attention to it. I'm just going to do everything to not pay attention to it. So I'm going to eat more food, I'm going to eat less food, I'm gonna get glued to the screen. I'm just trying to sleep, or I'm going to become angry and anxious, clingy or picky or withdrawn, or more fight more and resist more. Maybe I'll just go backwards and insist on somebody feeding me, dressing me and I'll forget all about that potty training we did last week. And from there, they'll move to No, no, no, and they won't. And then they'll say “I can't”, and they'll be whiny. 

 

Oh, pay attention moms and dads! This isn't intentional and this is not against you. This is them trying to say something messed me up, and I don't know what to do. It's a call for some help, and some support. And so, the best mindset for you to be thinking about when your child's entering into a place where there's grief and loss, is to remember that their behavior is going to tell you what they need. It doesn't mean we give in and let them see and watch a screen for 42 hours a day. It means that we're going to work through some of the steps we're going to talk about in a minute to help our kids grow in understanding about what happens when we really hurt. 

 

Why are we doing this? Because in our course of DNA for Fun, the communications course, the D stands for the desire. What do we want our kiddos to be like when they come through the other side of this experience. It's not a pretty experience. But we have to think about how, what are we guiding our kids towards what do we want this to end up like. That's what is our Desire, it's the D in the DNA. My Desire was that I wanted my kiddos to be able to know pain and know what to do with it, without shame and without blame. I want them to be able to absorb pain and use pain in a healthy and okay way so that relationships and their own personal selves is not wrecked.  That, for me, would be my end goal, it would be my desire, my D. Then I'm going to need skills, and my kiddos are going to need to develop a Necessary skill that is needed or necessary to get there. 

 

So what are those skills? First of all, number one is to know what emotions are there. This means that we're going to help our kiddos know the emotions, know that they are there. They are not naming them just yet because they have to become aware of them first. Well, goodness. How do I know if my child is in pain? Good question, right? Just watch them. Because when they start to act whiny, and clingy, and resist, and change how they usually are, is when you know your child is in pain. 

 

When I was raising my kids in those early elementary years, I saw them a couple of times, just become like “Where did my cute little daughter go?”  I couldn't figure it out until I talked to the teacher who said this and this had happened at school, and I switched her desk. She lost sitting by the kids she knew and liked. And she went into a grief process. She was just awful. At home, my cooperative little girl was not there. What happened? So, I asked the teacher and I found out the teacher helped make some adjustments in the classroom. And I had a far better feeling about how to approach my little girl now, instead of just saying, “Cut it out!” and “What are you doing?? and “You know that's not okay!” I had to step up my game and understand that she's in pain because of what was happening in the classroom and her loss of her connection to her friends. 

 

So we did things  -  I'm going to suggest doing the same things. Take time quietly, ask them how they are feeling. So I just sat with my daughter and said, “How are you feeling about school?” We're just here to listen. I knew where I wanted to go. I wanted her to develop some skills out of this. I also knew that I had to really honor her time and give her time to think about things.  I wanted (desired) that she learned to trust her own self to tell me what she was experiencing. So I had to be patient. I had to be careful not to say, “Well, I know your teacher moved your desk and that you know you're not close to Sally and Susie. And so, that must be really hard for you.” I had to let her figure out how to tell me. Why did I have to be so patient and not feed words to her? Because I wanted her to be empowered by talking about it out loud on her own. I wanted her to  form her own thoughts, gather her own courage to say her own experience, and let me just be the listener. She was maybe six. But we can do this with our four year olds - three year olds a little more challenging. Sit and be patient. I want her, and I want your kiddos to know that they are the boss of their feelings, and they can determine what they're feeling. Just be patient and listen. 

 

We will add a little bit to this but first of all we're going to sidetrack for a minute about and for you. And something that I had worked with myself. It's okay and it's wise to be in pain with them. And it's okay with them, being in pain. Listen to the difference: let’s say the last sentence first a minute. It's okay, with them, being in pain. The children are not in danger. It just means that they hurt. Just like when they've scraped their knee or stubbed their toe. Be with them while they hurt. It also can be that you pick up on their pain. And you would be aware of your own pain then and build your own skills to manage your own pain. 

So both can happen. Sitting with them while they are in pain, but also realizing it's triggered a pain or hurt inside of you. I want you to notice both because we're going to continue to split this hair a little bit. As an adult, it's wise for us to manage our own pain in our own personal ways. Wise ways, of course! Right? And then be able to be really and deeply empathetic towards our kids without making it about us. Your kiddos' pain is theirs, it's their personal space. Keep your focus on what your child thinks will help them. Listen to what your kiddo needs, not what you would do, but what they want to do and how do they feel?

 

There are times in DNA for Fun when we will talk about that emotions need to be dealt with quickly. As quickly as possible. Not always possible to do it right away. But where it's possible do it, because if they're not dealt with within that first 10 to 30 minutes, they'll often go underground. And then, oops, pop up later. Not so pretty. So where you can see that  when your kiddos are a bit of a mess because of something that they've lost or someone that's gone -  clean that up quickly, sit very quickly with them. Don't rush. It means don't ignore it and wait three weeks and then say, “Well, I know you know that Sally moved out of town. And we really haven't said anything or done anything, how are you doing with Sally being gone?”  By now your kiddo has made a vow, and probably isn't going to share a lot or talk about it very soon. 

 

This also means that you could also have pain and sadness. Maybe you didn't talk about it because you were sad about Sally, and her family moving too. Well there is a little saying that says, “If you have oxygen masks and you need them, you're supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first and then put on those around you.” So, if in pain and you need some oxygen, ie, a minute to pull yourself together, then do that. Not in a really pretty way, but at least temporarily enough. Be aware of yourself and be aware, like, “Oh man, I'm not doing so good with this, I can hardly stand that Sally's family has gone, how am I going to talk to him about it with my little kiddo when I want to cry all the time?!” You're right!  Answer those questions and take care of yourself some, so that when you talk about it with your kiddo, you can stay really present with them. I'm not asking you to stop your emotions, I'm asking you to take care of them. 

 

It could look something like this. Our kiddo was very sad because Sally has gone.  Up till now you've been sad too. So you might say, “I know it's really hard for me to miss my friends too.” And now I have to back up and not make it about me. So I'm gonna focus back on my little kiddo. “Tell me what you're thinking about Sally? How are you feeling about her being gone?” And I'm going to wait and let them come up with some feeling words. Sometimes I might use the emojis on my phone if my kiddos don't really know what emotion they have so sometimes pointing at emoji’s can help. I might listen for words like sad or lonely. Or maybe they are thinking, “ Sally didn't like me. That's why she moved. Nobody's ever gonna like me. I'm never going to have a friend again.”  Listen to that little vow that just got tucked inside there. “If my friends leave it's because I'm not likeable.”  Oh, I don't want that to stay in my kiddo!

 

My Desire is for that to not stay as a part of their identity. Maybe they're feeling ignored or invisible so as they say they're feeling, you simply agree and say, “Ah, I could feel that way to try too”. Try not to minimize or redirect or go phewf!! that feeling got out and put into words. Okay, let's move on, let's go get supper, pause, slow down. Just listen.  Ask what else they are feeling, or what they're thinking. Or, what would they like to do with those feelings. Slowly enough. They might not know what to do. Or they might. Just be quiet  while they think. They shrug their shoulders and say, “ I don't know, I don't know.” And maybe you have a few suggestions and let them choose. They might want to think about it because to reconnect with their friend means that they rebond and that might be hurtful to them. So they might have to think a little bit about what do I want to do? And they might need to sort that through. Encourage them to try their choice and see once how their feelings change. We're going to build these ideas out a little bit more as we keep going. 

Next help them give those emotions a name. Okay, sort of fits in with what we just talked about. Use emojis or use words because it helps them sort of point out and be able to start to name what they're feeling. The younger they are, the trickier this is. But we want them to know that there are emotions and that emotions have words that go with them. A goal for a two year old is for them to start to know that they have emotions and words go with those emotions to describe them. And then we're going to give them, their emotions, space to breathe and be. So this is just an understanding. It's not rushing, not using a lot of words. Instead, it gives a kiddo space to just be hugged or to cry, or to communicate to them that you care a lot. And you're not ashamed of their sadness or their grief. 

 

It can take a little courage from you to just be straight with that answer. You can be honest about what you know and what you cannot do. I was with a granddaughter recently. She lives a ways away. I couldn't stay. My granddaughter wanted to come home with me. Ah, that wasn't really gonna work either. Mama and I had to be honest with our little granddaughter that grandma couldn't stay and granddaughter couldn't come home. What can we do? We still can use our electronics and we still can look forward to when we see each other again. And we're gonna! So we're just going to be honest. Don't say, “Oh sure we can!”  and then not be able to. Give those kids room for their emotions to just be.

 

 Now they might be ready to be soothed. Hopefully as we're doing some of this, that is happening and they are finding a way to calm down. For me, I've learned to manage pain by being quietly busy. Sometimes I'm creating something or cleaning, making something prettier or more organized. I might journal, I might play my piano. But my kiddo might not do it that way. They might just need to run or jump on the trampoline, or sing really loud or take a nap or take a hot bath. They might want to just do something very different. Maybe they want legos. Maybe they want to color. 

 

Often for kids and for adults, moving our body, or making something, can really bring about some calming, psychologically and sort of within our brains. It helps the problem solving, part of the brain to talk to each other, and the emotional part to be calmed by the rational part of the brain as we move our bodies and move our hands. And so, doing something, often is very good for becoming more calm. 

 

We want our kids to know how to adjust their emotions. And we want them to have a variety of skills to be able to adjust those emotions. So, ways to move their body, they might find yoga really help. They might find dancing. Or they might find running or kicking a soccer ball. As their language skills and as their motor skills grow, then they might find that language and writing or coloring may become important to them. Don't worry if they want to write and they don’t have  a clue about how to spell a word. If they're writing something down it's moving that emotion out of their body and onto paper and that can be soothing for them. Let them do it. 

 

Sidetrack for just a little segue: Sometimes we might live in a place where it's not really safe to say what you're feeling or express that feeling. And that's just how it is. It would be really wise then to have skills to be self aware about what I am feeling, and to be safe when choosing what to do with those feelings. An example might be something like this. I'm really distressed about something, and this might be a four year old to a seven year old maybe a three year old. To feel better this little one wants to cry. But the upstairs neighbors will call the police because we're too noisy. Or somebody's sleeping in our house and if they get woken up they aren’t very nice. So I've learned I can not cry as loud as my insides want to.  My insides would  just wail! 

 

What am I going to do instead?  We can tell the kids, “ Don't cry. Don't cry.” And we can then help them cry in another way. Maybe we give them space to go cry in the car so they can be as loud as they want. Maybe it helps if we turn on the shower and sort of drowned out some of the tears with some shower water. Sometimes for kids, they will cry less if they splash their face with water while they cry because just that water on their face, helps their brain. Sometimes coloring or writing really really fast, not in an organized fashion but just a heartfelt scribble can sort of be a way to say these are my tears coming out of me. And sometimes kiddos like to just squeeze a really wet washcloth  in the sink.  As water runs over it they just squeeze and pull it; squeeze and pull and squeeze and pull at it, while they are crying. The wetness in the water helps to alleviate some of the tears that are inside of them. Maybe music will help - either loud music to match the intensity of their emotions or soothing music, eventually, that helps them reset into something more calm. 

 

And finally, as they have become calmer and are more soothed, the pain is not intense (at least for the moment because grief is a long process) in the moment, see once if you can help them find a place where this emotion is helpful. Well, what can I do with this emotion? Let's think about emotion for a minute, as if it's energy. We get to choose how to spend it. We said earlier that we want our kiddos to be the boss or the owner of their emotions. And so, to do that, sometimes we think about it like energy or like money. We get to choose how to spend it. So now we get to Decide what to do. Remember that we're directing our kids towards that end goal of when they have a whole lot of emotions or something really sad. What do we want them to do with it? What skill Do we want? Maybe they will decide that talking and thinking about it is the best use of energy. Sometimes they will say the best use of energy is helping somebody else or building something with their Legos, or with their blocks or with a fo. Sometimes it will be reading a book. Sometimes it will be taking a nap. We want them to know what to deal with those emotions that is a positive or an optimistic outcome. 

 

So, we're talking about all of this, and teaching you guys about it because your kids are going to follow you. And so, you can develop these skills more in your own self when you can feel that sadness and loss creep in. Also help your kids know how to do these things, because we lose things, and we miss things and we remember things we used to have. There are little grief places all over. And knowing how to manage those, the little things as well as the big things, helps us to stay emotionally, and then relationally, psychologically and mentally steady. 

 

Practice these skills yourself and practice them with your kids. They're going to follow you. 

 

So, you've done a little section of DNA for Fun! You've looked at what did you want your end Desire? What do you desire your kiddo to be like as they learn about how to grieve, through the big losses and the little ones. You're teaching them the Necessary skills for getting there. And you're helping them use those skills at an age that is appropriate for them. That's what the A is is: Applying it Appropriately. 

 

And therein, life will continue for those kiddos, and for you, to be fun: Fulfilling Unlimited and Naturally good. I want to thank you today for joining me. I think this is sort of a long and a tough conversation. The printable that's available will be helpful for you, and I look forward to connecting with you again later. If you want to know more about the DNA for Fun Communications Course, be sure to go to the Us and kids website and take a look there at the course. I look forward to meeting you someday, talk to you later. Bye bye.