Transcript: 

How Velcro Helps Us Be Better Parents

 

Hi, welcome to the Us and Kids podcast. I'm your host, Jan Talen.

I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. You know, I know, it's not an easy task. That's why I encourage you to subscribe to US and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here.

 

Let's get started. we're moving on to part two. In the last podcast we were talking about Velcro. We talked about how to be connected with your spouse, and about how to clean up those connections in case being Velcro’d together isn't working very well. Sometimes there are too many fuzzies and other things that are blocking the good connections. We're going to continue that today, but today we're going to talk about bonding or Velcro connections with our kids. How do we make sure that our kids are really getting set up so they can connect nicely with other people around them? This bonding process starts early in their life. But first I have a question.

 

Do you believe this parenting is easy and fun? Do you believe that when you love your kids; and if you love your kids, they will love you back? Do you remember the days when that sentence and thought that “Of course my kids will love me back!” seemed really true. How long ago was that thought? three days, three months, three years ago? What is it like now? At what point did the love part become more challenging because of behaviors or bad talks or lack of sleep or tantrums...or just other life troubles? Is it fixable by yourself? Maybe.

 

Well, if you want to be sure you're on the right track you could always connect with Us and Kids at the DNA for Fun Communications Course that's coming soon. As you know and I know, parenting requires a significant amount of new skills and knowledge. We need more, and sometimes different kinds of patience and wisdom. We need skills to manage sleepless nights, tired days. Things like how to adjust to a newborn in the house and so many other situations! DNA for Fun Communications Course helps you figure those things out. 

 

We're going to do some of it today too. Often we sense that we are supposed to automatically and naturally bond to this newborn bundle. And some of us do. And for others, this bundle is about as relatable as a sack of potatoes. No joke. And then, that little bundle grows and starts to crawl, chew everything on the floor and to chatter about who knows what.For some of us, this growth from infant to baby helps us actually understand our bond with them. That sack of potatoes turns into a cute little human being. 

 

But sometimes we bonded to that little bundle. And when they start to talk back or resist, we back up. You can see the bonding is a little different for everybody here. It depends in part on who we and also in part on the personality of our little person. Sometimes the bond goes tighter. But sometimes we become frightened. And the bond becomes looser. 

 

Now I know what you think. We may never say that we are frightened about becoming a parent. That is sort of something we keep under the radar, right?? Can a parent actually say, “ I'm scared! I don't get it. I don't want to do this anymore”? Be careful. Maybe it's the parent next to you saying it . Or. Maybe it's the parent inside of you. As our kiddos grow, they learn simple language. One of those first words is often: “No”. AT first they say it but don’t really know what it means or the consequences to that word. After a while they say it and they get it, they know it, and they're acting on it and they're resisting. They are arching their back, they're kicking their feet, they're screaming, they're yelling like they're going to die. And we feel challenged and frightened. Sometimes embarrassed. Sometimes ashamed. And we do what our brain is programmed to do when it is overwhelmed and frightened. We flee. We don't fight, we flee.

We just let them be. We might think to our kiddo: “You want to cry?... You go ahead and cry. I give up.”

 

But our brain might also tell us that instead of fleeing, we might do a fight response. So we might become meaner, more harsh and more demanding. And so now you're most often ticked off at him or her, your little one. Often, everything ticks you off. The two of you are at odds above everything. At least that is what it can seem like. And now that deep love inside of you can be really hard to find. And the Velcro loop on your side becomes yucky, but so are the loops on the kiddos side.

 

Last podcast we talked about those loops, about how Velcro needs good loops to connect with one on one side and one on the other side. If one or both sides have fuzzies or other things stuck to them then the connection is not nearly as strong and the Velcro doesn't function the way it's supposed to. Right now we're talking about one side of the Velcro is you and the other side is your kiddo. We need both sides to be able to attach. So, let's take a breath for a minute. If you have some time you're going to go back to one of our first podcasts - episode number two, where we talk about how important this bonding is to a kiddos baby brains structure. From the minute they're born, we begin to influence their brain. Actually we probably begin to influence their brain before they're born, but we're gonna start there. 

 

Their brain architecture is the basic structure that their brain is going to grow and develop around is just being organized. If we are steady and consistent with our kiddos we begin to build that architecture with normal things we use for a good sturdy building. But, if we are frightened we back emotionally or physically back away. Or we could become really harsh and stern. Then we become like a builder who is building a house with lower quality materials. The house (relationship) can stand on those materials in the quiet parts of life but it won't withstand the intensity of life and the weather that comes with it. 

 

So when we're working to build good bonds or connections with our kids, we will want to be sure that we're building their brain structure with good experiences and bonds. We do this by helping them have a lot of different relationships, a lot of different connections, so that they can work with a variety of expectations and interactions. 

 

If we build that brain structure up well, it gives them the strength to grow mental and emotional coping skills for the situations that are going to come their way. There will be stress in their lives and the brain architect and bonding that we build with them will help them handle that stress with compassion, and with wise boundaries without too many fuzzies on their velcro. 

 

So if we're not really skilled or knowledgeable about how a toddler thinks, and grows their brain, we can quickly become overwhelmed and challenged and frustrated, which puts extra stress on our kiddos brain. Now we'll talk more about this in the DNA for Fun. In one of the modules you will learn about how the kiddos brain works. We explain it from Dan Siegel's Whole Brain Child book as he describes what's happening to a kiddos brain. Today we're going to talk just a little bit more globally or a little bit farther out from that. 

 

There are two developments that can happen in our kiddos brain if we stay in this overwhelmed space. Now hear this gently, so that you can understand it and then you can work with it. If we are often intensely displeased, annoyed, dismayed with our kiddos behaviors and letting them know it then we are setting up a framework in their brain so that they become skittish about connecting and bonding. They learn to lightly connect. 

 

Following the idea of the Velcro it would look like this. Their loops get fuzzy. They sense that one minute mom or dad loves me, and then they don't. And then they love me and then they don't. This on-and-off again connection is very tiring and as the insecurities about love build up (aka: fuzzies build up) their connection and positive response to you become lower. As they can sense your displeasure in them, they don't link tightly. Their first need as a baby and throughout their childhood - really throughout all of life- is their need to know that they're safe, physically, and emotionally. But if we show to them often that we don't care about them, that we aren't that interested in them and that they bother us then their brain architecture and Velcro loops just won't be as strong and sturdy or deep. (Be gentle with yourself here. No parent can be all in - all the time. Look at your big picture - how you want your kids to experience you overall and work towards that. Easy on the blame and shame trickery:)

 

Sadly, because this need to connect deeply is so significant that if it is not filled nicely with mom and dad then that need can carry over to other spaces. If kiddos don't learn to loop and link tightly with mom and dad as an infant, they are probably going to be pulled to find good loops and links in other relationships. So when they find someone else whose loops are available they might grab on to those with all the gusto they’ve got, regardless of whether or not it's wise to do so. 

 

However, it can also go in the direction of emotional distancing. They can become very used to understanding that to be emotionally safe, it’s best to never link up or hook tightly to anyone. And that sets them up so that they're never really truthful, never really vulnerable, never really emotionally available. And so their relationships will come and go and be bumpy and struggled. 

Moms and Dads: Hear these ideas carefully. This is information to help you. It is not shared to bump open shame, blame and regret. Please use this information to help you be the best parent you can be. Slow down a little bit with any ugle thoughts. I'm talking with you because I know you want to be the best parent you can be. You want to understand why your kid does misbehave. And really the first answer most often is because they want to connect with you. They're not asking it really well, I'll give you that. but they want to connect with you.

 

So, how do you connect with your kiddo? Let’s talk about when they're resistant and cranky and crabby. This is usually because they are hungry, anxious, lonely or tired. (You might be those things too:) Instead of responding to the crabby, I suggest that you continue to mention nice, positive, good things to them. Pay less attention to the ugly behavior and far more attention to what's good. Use your words, tone of voice, eye-looks and kind touch. For example: When they run to grab their sister's hair you will step (jump? run?) in front of them as best you can, but you're going to scoop them up and hug them. And you're going to run with them outside until they giggle. And first of all, they're going to scream and whatever. 

 

And you're going to say, I love your hair! I love your sister’s hair! We are not gonna to pull her hair anymore. But you're not going to be really cruel, you're going to be clear, but not cruel. And you're going to connect with them body to body so that they know they are safe with you.

Another example is when they go to bite their sibling. You're going to quickly slow down the action. And then you're going to run to the refrigerator, and you're going to grab something they can bite - like a carrot or an apple or ice cube. Maybe even the top of a sippy cup? Then you can say that if s/he wants to bite something here it is, this is what you can bite. And then you're gonna sit down with them and say, “What did you want from your sister?” And you're going to talk with them about how they can tell you what they need and you will help them. 

 

The challenge at this age is that they do not have good language skills and so actions are their words. And they may be afraid to ask or tell you. So now, build up that connection/velcro bond with them so that they can have more courage to use their words, and to tell you. And when they're trying to tell you, stop everything. Eye level with them, sit down and listen. I know you can't do this perfectly okay, life is messy. But to the extent that that's what you can do - do it. 

 

This is how we built that brain architecture so they have the courage to say what's on their mind, courage to say what they need, and knowing that they are safe telling their mom and their dad anything from early on, and up through school until you send them off to college or beyond.

Your kiddos are precious to you. And you know that when you're not so frustrated. Keep on working to encourage them and affirm them, and to stop poor behaviors by being very kind and clear. Demonstrate and live with intentional good behavior so that they can copy you. This is when bonding happens.

 

They will follow your suit. And they will lean into you. You will know that when they will come crying to you for help. They will stop their screaming and they will tell you what they want. They might be clenching their little fists or stomping their feet as they try to not break the bond with you by hitting their sibling. You'll be able to talk with them. As they grow they will have the courage to talk about what they want and how they can get what they need. They will learn from you how to tell the characteristics of a good friend. This is an upgrade that you can do. This bonding piece is so important for you and for your kiddos not just in the first few years of life, but for all of life. 

 

So be sure that you've listened to the podcast just before this podcast that is about being Loopy and In Love: Velcro and Marriage. (Ep. 34). That podcast will help you understand how to make sure your own Velcro site is clean. And then keep working to be the best parent you can be. I did not say a perfect parent - just the best you can be today. Then your Velcro loops will link up with theirs. The bond will be strong, fun, playful and able to withstand the stresses and pulls that everyday life has no matter what. Because then that being married forever, while you pair your Velcros together is fun for you and fun for your kiddos. 

 

If you’d like to catch on to how this Velcro bonding works a bit more then just be sure to grab the printable. And sign up for the DNA for Fun Communications Course waitlist here. When we're ready to fly there again, we'll send you an invite. Hey I'm cheering for you! Thank you for joining us today. I'm really glad to have spent this time with you, and have fun watching all those places around your house that have Velcro and making sure that your loops build beautiful love relationships all around!! Talk to you later!