Transcript: 

How to Feel Loved While Sitting on the Couch

 

Hi, welcome to the Us & Kids podcast. I'm your host Jan Talen, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us & Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together because you and I know it's not an easy task. I'm here to encourage you and help you along the way. Be sure to subscribe to the Us & Kids podcast in your favorite app. All right, let's get started. We're talking today about how to magically feel that love again and other important topics to talk about, and this mostly is about sitting on the couch.

 

Oh good. You might think the house is quiet. Well, we're sort of awake. Hmm. What should we do? I think we'll grab our games and our phones and we'll just sit by each other on the couch. I'm out of words or am I going to talk anymore? I'm too tired, but hey, sitting by each other's better than nothing, isn't it? That's a good question. Maybe it is better than nothing says your marriage and family therapist Jan talking to you here. But maybe it's also possibly causing some harm because to be with each other but not with each other at the same time can set up the space for becoming very used to not being with each other. I don't really mean just physically not being there, but it can also mean not being there emotionally. As we use our phones and our games to sort of decompress for the day and unwind, we begin to rely on those instead of relying on the emotional support from your spouse.

 

This doesn't mean that there has to be 9 million words between the two of you. We all know that you might well have spent those words on your children or at work. We also know that words and physical connection helps to keep a married connection alive so that you don't go into that slippery slope of becoming just mom and dad with a ring on your finger. It's so important in those first years of parenting to be sure that you hang on to your husband and wife hat. It's best for the kids and it's best for you, for both of you, the kids and you for the short run and for the long run for both of you to remember how to be husband and wife while also being mom and dad and so that's part of what we're going to talk about here is how to hang onto the husband wife part.

 

That emotional support from your spouse is part of the base that makes a married relationship strong. If we don't include that in our base, in my mind it's sort of like not putting rebar in the cement of your cement slab on the base of your house. Will it be a pretty solid sort of, but it's going to get cracks in it and then it's going to get water in it and then it's going to be smelly in then and then not pretty. It doesn't look bad in the beginning, but over time it deteriorates and that's some of what happens in a married relationship as well. If we don't keep that emotional support inside that, then eventually the little cracks around the edges begin to show up. Distancing, silencing, not communicating well, misunderstandings, not knowing how to clean things up. A different way of thinking about this if you aren't really into cement and rebar is to think about it like this.

 

It's like not including a rising agent if you ever make bread or you eat bread. It would make a flatbread, which could be fairly tasty, but if you want like a nice piece of whole wheat bread that's sort of fluffy and light or a delicious piece of white bread, then it needs a rising agent and you're right. It'll be okay if we don't. It's going to just be flatter and thicker, but if you want a fluffy piece, you have to add the extra ingredient and if you want a fluffy relationship, I don't know if you're going to say fluffy is wonderful, but sure we'll make a delicious relationship when you hang on to staying emotionally connected with each other. Well, you might say to me, Oh my goodness, Jan, we gave our emotions away. The kids took it out of us trying to work from home, took it out of us trying to worry about having no work.

 

Took it out of us. We've got nothing, nothing left for ourselves personally, much less anything left for the other person just drained and you know what? I hear you. I agree. There are so many stresses from being home that are pushing our coping skills emotionally and mentally, professionally, and parentally and probably as well spiritually, which is why I'm going back to my first idea. It's really important to be a couple that sits on the couch close to each other, thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder, snuggled in, giving each other a little shoulder rub or a little head pop, linking arms snuggling in. In the future, when DNA for fun communications courses up again, which will be in a few weeks. We're going to talk there more about the hormones that are released and that helped to hold onto emotional connections with each other. One of those hormones is called oxytocin and oxytocin is released through touch and when the touch is good, our brains begin to bounce a little bit and they go like this begins to see in our head, Oh, I like this person.

 

Oh, I can relax. I'm with them. Oh, this person always makes me feel better. Somehow I just feel a little stronger inside when I'm with them. Those kinds of sentences happen when we do physical touch. It doesn't have to be sexual touch, just physical touch. It doesn't even have to be skin to skin. It helps, but if you're in a chilly climate, I get it. I live in Michigan. It's not warm right now, but still, when you snuggle right next in all those neurons where your legs and your shoulders can feel, the other person helps to release that oxytocin. That gives our brain a little more courage and a little bit more connection. Now we can just, if you have 4% of strength left for the day and your spouse has seven, then together you have 11 that's more than 10% but you because you put it together.

 

If you add some smiles or some laughter that all of that gets bumped up a little bit more too, which is why we want you to be sitting on the couch together somewhere during the day. I get that. Not always. Bedtimes don't match up depending on what kids are doing and what work schedules are. But I am saying get next to each other sometime. Okay. Make sure that you're doing some touching. So you'll think, well, is this just for adults? And my answer is no, not at all. Kiddos need this oxytocin release through their parents touch as much as couples need it from each other. This touch can be done by holding your kiddos hands, by kissing them, by playing with them. Okay? By just snuggling in while you read a book or you watch a show together telling jokes, something there that just lets you touch them, releases that oxytocin and it gives those little kiddos courage.

 

You remember that they can pick up on your anxiety and your weariness and they have this funny thing in their brain that that anxiety can start to sort of run silly laps in their head. They don't know how to say that's what it is. And so they turn crabby, they turn resistant, they turn like just throwing things or smashing things and you're like, what are you doing? Stop that right now. Right? And I'm going, Oh no, this kiddo is wound up and worried and if we went and worked to get some oxytocin release by really nice touching, we can get them to reconnect and to settle in and so to that kiddo that's being naughty, if I can get hold of their hands or if I can just sit on the floor by them and get close enough so they can see my eyes and see the twinkle in my eye that we're going to be okay.

 

It's okay. Okay, I have a book for you. I have a snack for you. I know it's counterintuitive. They're being naughty and I'm going to bring them a book or a snack and you bet I am because I'm after that oxytocin release. That's what they're telling me. They want and need. They need to become down by getting some strength from me and I give that to them by touching them and as they trust me and end up in my lap, so they're a little back is against my front. My face is right against their cheek. They are going to settle down. They may even fall asleep, which gives you a minute to take a nap too. You see how that works? Is that just a bit by bit? We want to be sure that we are helping to calm our kiddos down. Now remember for your spouse as well as for your kiddos, that good conversation that is positive, that is uplifting, that is funny and nice eye contact, good tones of voice.

 

All of that is sort of the icing on the cake. You get the oxytocin, going and you know just give that a little little rocket boost with really sweet conversation with funny little tones. If you're talking to little one with a cute wink, if you're talking to your spouse, okay, because what it says in the language there then and in your body activity is I'm in it with you. We're okay. We're not against each other. We're for each other. We're okay, and that's what we want to have happen. When people are tired and weary and worried. So in these extended days of I'm staying at home, I'm around everyone. Some of you know this. Okay, it's 24/7. When that's happening, this need for oxytocin releases even higher. It's higher because the stress is higher and we need the oxytocin to help settle down the brain so we can settle down the stress.

 

When the stress comes down. Now we can think more clearly so our emotions aren't so crabby and fast and we can make better decisions that keeps everybody out of the fray of emotional distress and moves us more easily into spaces of calm. I know when we sense like we're in it alone, our tendency can be to pull back from other people. Oh, don't touch me. Leave me alone. Get away from me. And you know, we might not say it out loud. I might not even say it out loud, but I might act it really loud. Louder than what words would ever say. Step away. Turn my shoulder. They walk in, I walk out, I put my earbuds in. I don't take them out. They talk to me. I don't answer.

 

Those are all signs of pulling away. I'm going to give you lots of room for having some space to yourself. We all have to decompress at times by ourselves. Different personality types need different things. We understand that what I'm talking about is a little bit more of this intentional space that when we're too frightened and too weary, we want to go down a rabbit hole that's pretty dark by ourselves. The cycle looks like this. One of us withdraws. The other person reads that as rejection and so they withdraw and as they withdraw the all their person withdrawals even farther. Now watch the cycle. You didn't come near to me so I didn't come near to you so you didn't come near to me, so I didn't come near to you and around and around and round we go. But the farther out the circle goes, the farther away we get from each other. It builds in room on that couch for apathy, for independence, when it would be wiser to be interdependent and indifference when it would be wiser to have compassion.

 

That's why I'm saying snug next to each other on that couch because it squeezes out that apathy, that independence and that indifference. Those are somewhat dangerous within a relationship. In the long run, there are elements of it that are okay, but in the long run, we don't want that to be a consistent built in core cornerstone of your relationship. So yes, if you need some space to regroup and rethink, to meditate, to pray to journal, do that. And remember to use the common spaces where your couch is for fun things for your kiddos and you use the couch, play peekaboo, play paper, rock scissors, read books, tell jokes, talk sincerely about what's happening in their day. It's okay to say no. And then to your three year old or even to your five-year-old, they have to be a little verbal, right? Able to say something that makes sense.

 

But listening sincerely, when you say, what's the best part of your day? Or do you have any questions today? Sit still and listen to what they might say because their little minds are working and growing millions of neurons still every day. And so what they were thinking one day or what they heard from you one day they might have another little idea or question. So sit and listen, when you snug them in close, they built up courage and they'll have the courage to put it into words. If you are still enough, remember you, that complimentary stuff, that affirming stuff. You can also just say something that you noticed or admired about what your spouse did, you know, with you and your spouse. Maybe even your kiddos. If you need to go back into the archives of your relationship and bring up something good from the past that gives you encouragement for the future, do it.

 

And just say, I remember when we were camping over here. I was thinking about that today. I was thinking about how fun that is. We had such a good time. I have a little story. We were moving from Michigan to California, 40 plus years ago. A little Honda car camping, a tent. I hadn't traveled across country much. My husband had done it cause he traveled to and for, to go to college in Michigan. But, um, I got up in the middle of the night, of course, to go find a bathroom, right? And I got out of that, we were in the mountains somewhere. I forget where I looked around. There were stars like no tomorrow, everywhere. So I climbed back in the tent and I said to my husband at three o'clock in the morning, my new husband, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you want to see the stars.

 

And he being newly married, got out of his cozy sleeping bag and came and walked with me around the campground. And you know what? He and I talk about that from time to time when we see lots of stars, we say, wasn't that fun? He rolls his eyes. I giggle. I say, it was so sweet of you to get out of your comfy, sleepy bag. And he looks at me like, what was I supposed to do? And I'm like, yeah, but you still did it. That's something from our archives that gives us encouragement for the future. I'm sure you have a story or two like that too and I hope that you use it. Other things you guys could do on the couch, ask good questions. Here are a few. If you're stumped, something like, how can I help you for the rest of the evening?

 

Or how can I help you tomorrow? And you could answer by giving that person a genuine suggestion, not a snarky one, a genuine one. You could also say, have I wronged you in some way today or what could we do better together? Now remember that if you're asking the question, you are interested in the answer. It's not a Starkey question. It isn't like if I ask you that question, you better ask the same question back to me because I've got something to tell you. We will talk about that again in a second. If you're curious then ask the question, take the answer as information not as a steep critique of your personality and your character. If you're answering that question, you're going to be careful that you're not giving a steep critique, of personality or character, but instead that you're giving helpful information. If you have something that someone has wronged you with in some way today, then you would say, I'd like to talk about what happened after supper.

 

Could we take 10 minutes and you're going to use that wonderful I sentence. We'll talk more about that in DNA for Fun about how to talk and do some of those tough conversations. But your first clue here is use the word I, don't use the word You as much as possible. You might talk about how can we better take care of the household chores together. You might talk about, we helped me make the meal plan. I'm so burned out from it. You might take a little walkthrough about how the kids are doing and who needs different attention and how you want to work better together. Of course, just to secret between you and me, if there was a throwback to dating days, Ooh, and the couch has other uses, well that's fine too. Wink, wink. So the question was if we settle for games on the couch, do we lose out? And I say sort of, yeah. Because you end up giving away great space for your relationships to grow. Take the time on the couch. Build wonderful memories there. Remember that DNA for fun communications course can help you expand your couch skills into every day and every relationship. Great skills. There's a new signup for that, a wait list building.

 

You can find that on the Us & Kids website in the join or sign up tab and join our new course is starting soon. I am so glad you joined me today. I hope that your couch has so many wonderful conversations. You'll never want to get rid of it because it will have so many stories to tell in it. You're doing great. Hang in there and keep on taking the best steps forward to build the best relationships you can have. Cheering for ya. Talk to you next week. Bye bye.