Transcript: 

Helping Kids Adjust to Life Changes

 

Hi, welcome to this Us & Kids podcast. I'm your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a wife, a mom and grandma. This Us & Kids podcast is about how to stay married forever while you parent together. The blend of those two is not an easy task and so I'm encouraging you subscribe to the Us & Kids podcast in your favorite podcasting app so that you get the email every week and you're reminded. It's an easy listen. You can grab it anywhere you want and take a listen. There's usually a printable so be sure you check for that too. Let's get started.

 

Today we're going to talk about adjusting to life changes and what happens to our kids. Changing is not easy and so I wanted to invite you for a minute to think like somewhere between a six month old and a five year old, maybe a seven year old, cause I'm going to pretend. Here we go. My name is Jannie. I want to tell you, being a kiddo is not easy. There are so many things, you know how many things you have to learn when you're a kid and not only do you have to learn it, you have to do it, and those people are so tall. You know mom and dad, well they can do those things. Just watch them. They're so quick. It's like magic. I try, I think I'm quick but on their faces, right? I'm not quick enough. They walk fast and they talk fast and they eat fast.

 

They even get dressed fast and I get my shoes out, but then they tell me they're wrong. I didn't know how could they be wrong? Don't they go on your feet. I like to play with my friends, but then mom and dad tell me my friends aren't real. I don't get it. They talk on those things. They call their phones to their friends. You can't see their friends either. What's the difference? Why are they distressed if they can't see their friends, why are they distressed that I have my friends in my head. What's the difference? Now, they want to take away my diapers and my pull-ups. I'm telling you, this is a dumb idea. Okay. It would be smarter if they used them too. We'd be able to play longer. We wouldn't have to stop to go potty. Who likes to do that? It's way easier my way.

 

I'll tell you that right now, and then they put this green stuff, this mushy stuff in front of me. They tell me to eat it with my fingers. I can tell you I had been snuggling next to my mom or my dad and their arms looking at their face, smelling their breath. I liked that food. I don't understand why don't they want to give me that food? That was really yummy. They didn't ever run out of it and I liked it. I don't get why they're trying to make me eat this other stuff. It's gross. And then there's this thing, they cheer me on while they watch me fall because they think walking on these two things with at the end of my body, I think they call them legs. Why is this a good idea? Four is better than two. I can tell you I'm really fast on my four.

 

Why do they want two? I keep falling and not only that, soon as I started walking, know what they did? They stopped picking me up. I'm supposed to keep up with them. It takes five. I can count to five, i'm five years old. I can count to five, five steps to one of my daddy steps. I can't keep up, but I want to be by my daddy and then he doesn't want me to fall and get what I'm going so fast. I preferred it when I was up close to his face in his arms around me. I could smell them and they could touch him. I could see him. Hell, we're so high. I can't even see him. Mommy says I'm big and I can walk, but tell you the truth. I really liked it when I was snuggled inside of her and she was walk.

 

It was like a squishy little ride and it was really fun and soothing. Walking by her isn't nearly as fun and now they say, use your words. This is my words. What was I using before they got me there? When I used my words, what is this word thing? Finally I got these little, these stiff things inside my mouth. These sort of get in the way. I think they call them teeth, but now they give me this stick. They tell me not to put a stick in my mouth when I'm outside, but when I'm inside and they give me a stick with gooey stuff on it and now they told me to put that in my mouth. I don't know. They should just get their stories straight. Sticks or no sticks, right? Which one is it? Okay. I think you get the picture. Kiddos have a lot of change they have to do.

 

They don't have the language for it. They have a lot of transition and I'm making a bigger deal out of some of it than what needs to be mostly for the emphasis. To remember to have compassion with your little ones while they're trying to change. Their brains are much like ours in terms of, always gathering information, always trying to figure things out. Not as sophisticated as ours. Their brains aren't quite wrapped together as tightly and so they don't have as good discernment or being able to put things in the right category as quickly. They're often, the kiddos are and they don't have ways to say it. They have ways to act it, but now ways to say it and so they rely on us and part of that parenting process is being able to help our little ones with adjustments. Oh, adjustments, define are anything that's a change.

 

So it's an adjustment to figure out how to eat food. It's an adjustment to figure out how to sit up. It's an adjustment to figure out what that big, puffy winter coat is on me. To go from riding backwards in the car seat to frontwards. For these kiddos these are all adjustments. Now, your adjusting as well, every time there's a change for your kiddo, there's a change for you. Change takes about three months to really become settled in and okay. Because it takes that long to build brain pathways. It's the neurological process that has to happen in a brain. And just the development of that process and the neurons and the pathways takes about three months to develop when it's used consistently. It doesn't mean there isn't good movement before then and you can see them catch on or you catch on or Hey, we did it without working so hard at it.

 

But change takes time. So how do we help our little ones at any age? You've heard me say some of this before, but we repeat it because you're busy and it's important to just have reminders now and then. Change is easier for adults and for kiddos when we have kind of support around us. The kiddos can feel inside of you when you guys are moving or when there's a job change or when there's stress or tension or even when there's relief. Anything that's different for you, they probably are picking up in some ways. Stay close to your kiddos. We don't need a hover mother. We don't need us, mother, daddy. We just need you guys to stay close to your kiddos. So that means that when you're picking them up, you're holding them close to you. You're letting their face rest by your face. You're smiling at them and doing eye contact, five to seven inches away, maybe.

 

Sometimes as you get a little older, that 12 inches is a little better personal space, but close enough so that they can see mommy and daddy are right here. Really? That's all they care about as to whether or not they are safe with you. So be as close as you can be. Now sometimes the changes, somebody went back to work, but when you come home, take a breath and be as present as you can be with your kiddos while they're awake. Take your, I've got to decompress and do it in a different space after kiddos are asleep. Right now, take as much energy as you can to be present with your kiddos. Now, sometimes that means babywearing. I had a daughter for a while who had two kiddos. When she got home from work, one she put on her back, he watched her make dinner over her shoulder.

 

One she put it in the front, he snuggled in and finally slept. They ate dinner together and then bedtime seemed to go, okay. Baby wear is good when we're making adjustments with our kiddos using the same blankies, the same place to sleep, the same music, even some of the same smells can really just help them realize that you are close. They are who they're looking to for safety and so where you can be available and safe. Some of that means calm, calm, tone, calm, look, put it on. Sometimes you gotta fake it here, but put it on for your kiddos and deal with your fears and your distress with your spouses in a different space. It will make your parenting and your adjustment time easy because you guys will get practice the emotional control and your kiddos will continue to trust you instead of feeling shaky.

 

Give grace. Grace means be patient. Realize that nobody's out to get you. Kiddos do not know how to necessarily be intentionally naughty. They don't really know how to be disrespectful. They don't know what the word is. If they're being naughty or just off-kilter, they are probably scared. They are crying their busyness, they're fighting, they're arching their backs. Those kinds of distress things are them trying to clean out the adrenaline that runs when they're stress and they're just trying to get their hormones reset. Help them do that. You don't like the crying, turn it into a bit of a game of tag or running a race or jumping up and down or something that keeps their body moving because that will help their hormones reset and clear out their brain. Then sit on the floor by them right at their level. Don't make them necessarily come up to yours right at their level and be close with them.

 

If you're traveling or making changes, be sure that you're taking along what they know. This is not a good time to decide to not have the passy anymore or to lose the baby giraffe or to no more bottle or we're going to stop nursing. We're going to potty train. Okay. Those are all things that take a lot of courage for a kiddo to do and if we just are trying to make the adjustment to a new house or new schedule or mommy or daddy being gone, going to a new place, just do that change and worry about this other stuff in three to six months, everybody will be okay. If you're a little patient on some of those other growing up life changes that we do to little ones all along, what do you hear me saying? Of course that eye contact, those smiles, that ability to reassure, holding hands, rubbing backs saying, mommy's here.

 

Daddy's not gonna leave you. You are safe. For our older kids. Sometimes we give them a picture of ourselves or we give them little prizes for being courageous or for being brave or for making it through because it's not easy. It takes a lot of courage for them to make the adjustments we put them through. If we're scared, what do we think they are? We just have a way of saying it and sometimes we'll use alcohol or pot. Not my favorites on either level. I'm not suggesting it, I'm realizing it's reality, but we'll use it to mellow down. Our kiddos don't have anything except for their moms and dads. Remember they don't have words. Even if they can talk, they don't know what all these motions and all this fear means. They don't know how to say it. They've never done it before. So taking time to run, to jump, to do a dance party to scream as loud as you can while you run down the hallway.

 

It's not a bad idea. Um, I have a little guy that I take home on Mondays and we have a Hill and we get on the freeway that is a pretty steep Hill and every day he's had a busy day, usually a very fine day. He's been playing with cousins, but we get to that Hill and he's like, let's go. When we both just go weee, and I'm not going to do it that loud inside of this microphone, but you get the idea both of our lives, like we made it through that day. In a way we go, it's a fun little Hill to go down because we're doing it together. Just giving a little bit of, whew, we're on our way home. Back to the people we know. Just because kids don't have words, it doesn't mean they don't have emotions.

 

They have lots of them and the way that they say them is through their play, quiet play or loud play. Through their running and their body movements, their yells, they're all trying to set hormones and get the wordless emotions out of them. Just like you and I tried to do just trying to talk in quotes, talk and recalibrate. Give them space and help them when a child's old enough, probably more in that we might go to put three, four, five, six and up. We can help them with words about what's scary and what is scary feel like and how do we know when we're safe. We can share an example. I can say when I'm in a different place, I don't like it to be so dark either. I like a little light on. Sometimes I pull the curtain open a little bit in my hotel room, so some light comes in.

 

I don't like it so dark either. Then when we normalize it a little bit, then they say, Oh, Oh, okay, we're okay. Sometimes we set up with kids. If they're a little bit older, they're born that four to six or seven range, but we hook up with a special look or a special little action like a wink or a thumbs up or a pinky hook that says in it with, yeah, I'm still here. I won't forget ya. Sometimes we take a little ink pen and we draw a little smiley face on their hand or a right sort of on their collar bone. Like, I love you. I'm with you all the time. It helps them. It can feel silly to you, but it's important to them. So remember it takes all brains at every age about three months to reach that first level of a calm in an adjustment phase.

 

And that's why, when we have our first newborn, when we've just moved into our first house, when were our first three months of marriage things can be so challenging. Because your brains are making so many adjustments. Taking in so much information and trying to adjust. Your little ones are doing the same thing. They might be trying to say, but Mom, I don't like this. Where's my usual? Where are you? Stay in it with them and stay in it for them so that their approach in the world per the podcast that was right before this last week so that their approach in the world, we'll be good and maybe even good for their adult world in just a few short years. They're following you. They're paying attention to it. Everything you do, do it as best you can and once again, remember there's probably a printable here for this one.

 

If you join Us & Kids and giving us your email address, you'll get that printable will be available for you every time there's a new podcasts, which right now is weekly. Once again, thanks for listening and joining me today. Remember, you can join us on our Facebook page. Stay tuned for when the next DNA cohort, the DNA for fun communications course starts. We don't have one going, right? Nope. Stay tuned because we'll start another one and that will give you the opportunity to learn even more about how to think and react to all those different parenting and marriage phases in an effective and efficient way. I sure look forward to meeting you and talking with you again soon. Bye. Bye.