Transcript: 

Taking Time for Ourselves and Our Spouse With a New Baby

 

 

Hi everyone. Welcome to Us & Kids podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a mom, a wife, and a grandma. This Us & Kid's podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together and especially today if you are a brand new parent, because we're going to talk about adding an infant. You know, being married and parenting is not an easy task every day. And so I encourage you, subscribe to the Us & Kids podcast in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here. We'll make your home and your marriage fulfilling and really good. Hey, let's get started.

 

Today we're talking about infancy or adding an infant and us or is that infant coming between us? When a new little one comes into our house, it is not an easy adjustment. Well, we liked to think and people say, Oh, I just so excited. Isn't it great? Isn't it so fun? And we can look at them and go, I don't know. I'm tired. I don't know what just happened. I don't know what to do with this ball of mush that makes noises that make me nervous, but instead we slap on that smiley face and we say, yeah, it's really interesting, or it's really good, or it's really a good baby. You know? Even though we aren't sure if we really know what good or bad is and we don't know how people will respond if we say, I hate this, this is worse than what I ever thought it would be.

 

I knew it'd be hard, but this hard and we hardly dare say it. So let's talk for a minute about infants. The tape that I'm going to give you on this is that what I'm going to talk about for infants is also necessary for you and for your spouse, your partner. Everybody in this household needs these things right now. Adjustment to a newborn is a big deal for your brains and for your bodies because both of them are experiencing, oh, I have to do something different. And if you haven't practiced having an infant around before, 24/7 gonna be with you for the rest of your life. Not as an infant but with you. Then your body and your brain knows we've got to take care of this out. There can be some sense of panic, but there could be some sense of panic for your little one too.

 

They have never this before. They don't know how to do this and they're not trying to make your life miserable. They're trying to figure it out too. So what are some things that infants usually like? They usually like to be held. When I had kiddos, we had one little kind of front pack that you could buy as baby wear. I bought it, I used it a lot. We were on very limited income and that was a splurge. You guys have lots of choices, but don't forget to use your arms. Holding your baby close to you in a baby wrap is a wonderful thing because they're right close to your body, but they also want to feel you engage with them. So holding them close yourself, burping them, rocking them, snuggling next to their face, just letting them sit by you. Well sometimes specially with their infants will often be sound asleep.

 

And you think I'm just going to put him down and necessary I'll agree because there are other things to do. Indeed there are, but if you have a few minutes, just hold that little one. Rock them. This soothes them and helps them bond to you. This builds trust. Now let's switch back to your spouse because they need holding too. They need touch. They need reassurance. Sometimes they need a hello and a goodbye. Hug and kiss and sometimes they just need a hug for no reason. A hug and a compliment can help. Just being with each other and holding each other and saying, well, do it together. Helps the two of you bond so that the burden is shared and yes, I just called it a burden because it's so new. It can feel really heavy and overwhelming. Hold your little one and hold each other. Talk, nor screaming talk usually, but talk.

 

Talk to your little one. You're going to say they can't talk back. I'm going to. I know, but you know they're going to start talking back and as you talk to them, a couple of things happen. Within you you're blowing out air. So I don't care if you just talk nursery rhymes, you say the ABCs, or if you do your multiplication tables or if you just talk your list out loud, it doesn't matter. They want to hear the sound of your voice. It helps their brain figure out what languages and what it means. It brings them comfort to know that you're nearby. If you're walking around and they're in a seat or something for a little bit, it calms him down to know your voice. They've been listening to it since they were conceived. They still want to hear it. Talk to them.

 

You talked a lot when you were pregnant. Keep on talking. Don't be quiet because they're in the room. Okay, I get it. If they're sleeping, don't talk to them. Let them sleep. Right? But otherwise, don't be afraid to just chatter. Well, sometimes it's baby talk right to their face. Right up close. Hold their little heads face to face. Just right there. Hey you, you're so cute. What's you doing today? Huh? Are you going to learn to walk? Hey, you know they're not going to learn to walk, but it doesn't matter what you say. Kind, encouraging, funny, the tone of voice is what's going to matter and they're going to begin to bond to you some more by what you say and by how you interact with them. Well, obviously I just put the two together. I'm holding them and I'm chatting with them. I can change their diaper and chat with them.

 

I can tickle their belly, I can pull their feet, right. Let their little fingers wrap around my pinky. All of those things helped to build that bonding. But now let's switch back to your spouse because sometimes when we get scared and we don't know how to think about this, and we're a little ashamed because we think we oughta, we forget to talk to our spouse, our partner, we're in it together. We did it together. We're in it together. Talk, still talk cute language, still flirt. Don't forget it. Flirt a little bit and talk serious and talk every day talk. Don't always talk about that baby. Talk about future. Talk about real life plans. Still talk about the grocery list. If you used to do it again, don't only talk about the baby and remember to ask each other, how are you not in passing, but while you're sitting by each other holding hands, how are you?

 

How are you adjusting to this? How's your anxiety? What crazy thoughts are you having? And suddenly you'll discover they're having crazy thoughts too. However you would like to define crazy. Like I think I'm going to wake up one morning and the baby's going to be gone and we're going to be back to real life and we can go to a movie whenever we want. And your spouse, what will happens? I know, me too. Those are normal, crazy thoughts. They're fine. Talk about it. Look each other in the eye. Hold each other. Remember just like you did with your little one smile. What else were we going to do? We're going to remember to eat. Your baby's hungry. You're going to say all the time. That's possible. You're right. They're growing. They have so many things to grow. They need a lot of food. So yes, feed your baby. But also remember to feed you, feed you real food. One of the reasons why we have made our formulas for babies so good and why breast milk is so good, both of them are fine is because we've studied how many nutrients and what do little ones need to grow. All those body parts in the right shape, size and place. And then we forget. Oh yeah. We have to stay healthy too and we need the right nutrients as well. And so remember to eat real food, not tons, enough.

 

Not a lot of sugar. Look at your proteins, look at your complex carbs and drink water. Why water? Because we need your body system to continue to clean out, especially mamas with the hormones. Drink water because it helps to take care of keeping your body systems into a readjustment mode back to what you were pre pregnancy. It's not always easy to eat when we're overwhelmed, when we cant figure out what time to eat because we slept through breakfast and now it's 10 30 okay. Is it breakfast? Is it lunch? I don't know. I'm not really hungry. You can feel confused about this. So sometimes it's easy or easier if our spouse and we do meals together or yes, sometimes one spouse leaves for work, the other one is still home with a baby, but they set out some breakfast. You did a two o'clock feeding, you did a five o'clock feeding, spouse left for work at seven but sat out the bowl and the cereal or scrambled the two eggs.

 

All they have to do is be dumped in a pan. Make it easy so that you can do it and then do it. What else do you and your baby both need? You need to move. Babies want to move. Now I agree, we often swaddle them for sleeping and sometimes those kiddos are not too happy about that. Right? But as they grow and you'll see them even as if they like to kick their feet and wave their arms and all of a sudden in a few months realize that they, Hey, they found that hand in that is the coolest thing ever. Right? Okay. All of a sudden there'll be sticking their piggy toes right inside their mouth. They like to move. So help them move. Don't be afraid to do a little dance with them while you wiggle their arms or wiggle their legs. Okay? Don't be afraid to try to hold them well underneath their, around their torso and bounce them up and down a little bit.

 

It builds motor skills, it builds this is my body and helps them understand what's connected. Remember, they haven't really done it this way before. They wiggled in your womb. You know that. But now it's outside and they have to figure out what they have. So help them move. But goodness gracious. Be sure to move yourself to sometime we can get scared and so overwhelmed in her brain that we forget to move. And we sit and we sit and we sit and nursing and bottle-feeding and burping all take time and usually we sit. Now it's time. Get up and move. Doesn't have to be really outrageous. A walk to the mailbox, pick up a dust rag while you walk around in dust a few things. Push a vacuum, do some moving because it cleans out your brain and as your body is strong, your brain becomes strong and that helps you get more courage.

 

Moving also helps us move around our brain and become less confused. So I'm talking about sort of just quiet moving around the house in some ways, but I'll also encourage you to do some yoga. Get out for a fast walk. When it's right and good, get back to exercise class, take a spin class, get yourself moving. Put that little one in the front pack and out the door you go. Outside and sunshine are really important for both of you. Not sunburn, sunshine. Yes. Remember to do it or your kiddo and for you. One more, read. Oh yes, now some of you read by listening because you're listening to this podcast, right? Some of you are reading this podcast if the transcript is up. Read, read out loud to your little one. I don't care if you read the newspaper to them. Yeah, you could read cute books to them, but you can also read the Bible.

 

You can read something that you're reading. They like to hear the sound of your voice, but they also like to hear just the way the words and the Ryman, the pentameter of the words are put together. It's often soothing for them. It's good for your brain to keep active and reading helps to do that in different ways than what talking does. Read things that encourage your heart, so don't read things that are too dark. Read things that are helpful and uplifting. Often it helps read something with your spouse or your partner. Sometimes I've heard of couples, we never did this cause I don't know why we didn't, we just never had the right scheduling for this. But some couples will say, I'm nursing and he's reading the book out loud to us. Oh, what? I thought, Whoa, that's romantic, huh? Some people will say, I'm cooking and he is reading to us.

 

He is cooking and I'm reading to him. We flip it, see what works. But remember that feeding your brain with new and uplifting information while you're trying to make all of these adjustments about what just happened can be really helpful. Now I agree, you can read infant books and how to take care of an infant. And is this okay? And is that okay? You can read that until you're purple and blue. I'm going to remind you read something else too. Read something else too, because when you get so seeped in your little one, you're going to begin to over read things and not just let be normal, be normal. So get a good balance going on. If talking about this with almost everything we've said, hold each other and let go now and let our little one sleep talk. But remember there are times it's okay to be silent.

 

Eat real food. Balance it out. Move your body. Don't create injury. Just keep it moving. Read good stuff. What else? A few things that are basic. Take care of your basic needs. Take care of theirs. Keep your bodies clean. Both of you. Yes, keep your hair clean. Put on clean clothes. Both of you, all of you. And crying is normal now than unusual. Not unusual for a mama to cry. Not unusual for a daddy to cry. Not unusual for a baby cry. It's okay. There's so many changes here and crying puts all package of emotions and anxieties and confusions and joys and put it all in one spot and move it out of your system so there's room for something else. It's okay hold each other, comfort each other, cheer each other on. No baby stays an infant forever and no babies stays asleep forever.

 

They all figure out how to sleep and how to not cry forever. You'll be okay. They'll be okay. Look at you. You grow out of infancy. You can help your kiddo do it too. So I hope that you have enjoyed listening to this today and seeing ways to both take care of your infant and ways to take care of yourself. Now maybe you've thought, I've listened to this, but I sure don't have an infant and my thought is you might know somebody who does, be sure to share the podcast with them or at least what you've learned.

 

You know there's a new course coming out soon. It's called DNA for Fun. It's a communications course that does just this. It blends the skills that you need for parenting right along with the skills you need for marriage, and I'm hoping that you'll be able to join us. The Us & Kids website will have more information up on it soon for signing up for the webinar or for the course. I look forward to talking with you again next week, and I hope that you and your little ones are really enjoying this time together. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.