Transcript: 

How to Befriend Your Anxiety

 

Hi. Hey, welcome to Us & Kids podcast. I'm your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma. This podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together, even when there's anxiety bouncing around that house inside of you, inside of your spouse, inside of your kiddos, being married forever while your parent together isn't really easy. So it was just wanting to encourage you to subscribe to the Us & Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here to keep your marriage and your home fulfilling and really, really good. But let's get going. You know, sometimes the best way to take care of anxiety is to just get going. Let's back up first. What makes anxiety? How do we get rid of anxiety? What do we do with nighttime anxiety? What do we do when we just freeze and we can't hardly even think?

 

What do we do in our kiddos are full of anxiety because it doesn't always look anxious. They can just be being very naughty or resistant and sometimes that's anxiety. So, first of all, we're going to start by understanding what happens inside our bodies when anxiety hits. Anxiety is a little different than worry. Worry is a lower level of anxiety, I guess is what I might say. Because worry is something that usually is manageable. Anxiety has more energy in it that takes over our bodies. There are a couple of reasons for that. One of them is that when anxiety hits and moves in and it can be a slow release, it's often a faster release. Your sympathetic nervous system, you have one of those. Everybody does. It runs through your whole body. It talks to all of your body systems, so it talks to your muscles.

 

It talks to your nerves, talks to your blood flow, your heart, your lungs impacts what goes in and out of your brain. This nervous system is wired to look out for things that appear to be dangerous. We live in a less dangerous world than what our ancestors did, but our brains are still on the lookout. Taking in the sights and the sounds, things we proceed always assessing whether or not there's danger. This is what we would call often that set up for the flight or fight response. That's your sympathetic nervous system and when it goes off, when it senses danger, it sends out two types of adrenaline into your body systems and it sets your muscles up, your heart and your lungs up for doing something extraordinarily strong or courageous. Remember it's setting it up because it's meant to protect you or you feel like you're falling apart.

 

But that sympathetic nervous system is saying, I've got to protect my kiddo and it's gonna do it. So what are some of those things that happen when all of that adrenaline starts to run into our system? Right? Well, we can have things like blurry vision or confusion or our mouth gets dry or our muscles get tense. Heart rate goes up. Sometimes there's that hyperventilation feeling, these things when they run really high in us and sort of just stop us in our tracks. We probably would call a panic attack or an anxiety attack, but the sympathetic nervous system can also just run on that continual pump of those adrenaline's running into our body. And that's that chronic anxiety that's always just there, that makes us feel sluggish that says, I'm so tense and we've got knots all over my back and my shoulders and that war of a low level, but perpetual run of those adrenaline's in your body and neither one are really healthy for the long run.

 

Remember the sympathetic nervous system is set up to take care of any immediate impending danger and then the para sympathetic nervous system, it's cousin, moves in to calm you down. The sympathetic nervous system is meant to turn on and go fast. So it's a fast in and it's supposed to be a fast out. The sympathetic nervous system is supposed to come in afterwards and in some sense sort of clean things up. Now we both can sort of laugh at that because often in American life that anxiety hangs around. Let's talk for a minute about what that parasympathetic nervous system is supposed to do. It is supposed to come on in with relaxation things. It comes in and sorta does the cleanup. It starts to clean out the adrenaline. It reregulate heart rate and breathing rate. It lets muscles begin to relax. Eyes can see a little clearer. Your pupils aren't as dilated.

 

It's a good thing we have a parasympathetic nervous system, so that's what happens in a more intense panic attack or when there's really like high anxiety right now in that lower chronic anxiety, we still have those adrenaline's running, but now parasympathetic and sympathetic are sort of at crossroads with each other. Their intention and they're a little bit like a tug of war and that's why you have this chronic piece of the parasympathetic is sort of standing on the adrenaline pump and saying, okay, you can't pump stop already. And then everything starts to relax a little bit more. And what do you know? The sympathetic nervous system starts to go and send more adrenaline out. How do we want to take care of these two systems because sometimes they're naughty and sometimes they're helpful for us in American life where we don't live in perpetual danger, usually.

 

Well, there are a couple of things. It begins with being aware that you are in control of your body and so take a little bit more control. It's a little bit more, be a little more assertive. What do I mean by this? Part one. Begin to breathe out more often. So what happens when we take a deep breath in, in a long slow breath out, so a four count in, hold your breath for two, four counts out, one, two, three, four, empty out all that air that helps to slow down your heart rate and then all of the other systems follow. Our breathing rate and our heart rate are often the lead in these, and a long slow breath or a series of those can really help that parasympathetic system turn on and toned down what the sympathetic nervous system is doing. There are some ways to do this long slow breathing when you're in a group or when you're like, ah, just that, right?

 

Here are some ways to do this. You can fake a yawn. Now be careful where you do that, but it's still a big slow breath in and a long slow breath out. You can sigh. Raise your shoulders high, let your shoulders fall, don't roll your eyes, you will get in trouble. Right? Laughing, giggling. Well also does that breathing out. That is more breathing out. So does singing you holding a note for a long time. Those are things that help the breathing to reregulate without it looking so obvious. Sneezing does the same thing. So those are just some clues of things that you can do. Remember that often when you feel anxious, excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or run to your car for something, gives you a moment to do some of that deep breathing and get that parasympathetic nervous system turned back on. Here are some other ways that we can engage the parasympathetic nervous system and get it to settled down the adrenaline pump that the sympathetic nervous system has going on.

 

Touch, touch what? Touch another human can help. Holding hands touch might include eye contact. A gentle look. I was sort of a face to face or cheek to cheek. Hey babe, you'll be okay. I got it with you were say those things can help. Crying often helps. People get tired of crying, I get that. But in the touching, sometimes what happens is that even if we touch something soft or something warm, so this is your cup of tea, this is a cup of hot water, this is that warm baby bottle. Those things also often help that sympathetic nervous system to tone down and the parasympathetic nervous system to turn back up a little bit and reregulate things. Sometimes just a good distraction is a good idea. I know for people that have to try to work and get on an airplane that they control some of that anxiety by just being sure they have a piece of gum and something to read that's going to distract them some and distraction is a fine way to lower anxiety, get up and go do something else.

 

When there's an accomplishment of something, your brain gains some confidence and that anxiety often goes down. Stretching helps and hands over your head, reach down to your toes, go side to side, shrug your shoulders up and down, stretch out those hamstrings a little bit. All of that can help, rub your face, make a big yawn so the all of your jaw muscles have to stretch out a little bit. Those things can help us release some of the adrenaline so they can just get out of your body system and helps those muscles remember their normal state, which is relaxed. Talking or being around other people often helps as well, especially for around people who like us or who help us laugh or who encourage us and are just uplifting and don't seek gloom to. So what about what goes on inside your brain, right? Because our brain can just keep playing the same thing over and over and over again.

 

You just keep thinking about it and thinking about and thinking about it and that feeds as sympathetic nervous system and just keeps that adrenaline pump going. Here are some ideas put down the shame. Okay. just trying to figure out whether or not you're safe. So let's begin to figure it out. Often writing things down helps us to sort that through. I've been nervous all morning. I've been nervous because I have this doctor's appointment or I don't know how I'm going to get enough money to run my car or my kid is sick and if they're sick again tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to do and those things can just run around. When we add kiddos, there's a lot of uncertainty that happens in day to day. There's so much within a kiddos life we can't control and that can just upset our balance.

 

And so writing those things down and then writing two or three plans. One of them can be, I just plan on crying all day. It can be a plan. I don't know if it's your best one, but it can be a plan. But another one can be a plan about, Oh, maybe I'm going to make sure that I have two backups. I only have one backup right now for sitters. I need one more. I would feel more calm if I had two instead of one. Sometimes it's, you know, I'm so anxious because I'm not organized and I've got to get organized. So I'm going to start to make a list for the diaper bag and I'm going to get it in there. Okay, I'm going to make a packet of what has to stay in the car and I'm going to keep it in the car.

 

So I stopped worrying about forgetting it. Get yourself a little more organized and now move into a little more gentle self-talk instead of thinking, I don't think I can do this. I'm not good enough to do this. I will never make it. I'm a bad mom. I'm a bad dad. We're not going to survive. Maybe I'll be divorced by the end of the year. All of those anxious thoughts, pull those back down and put in things that have some better counterbalance to it. I'm doing as good a job as I can as a mom and my kiddo sleeps in their own bed. My kiddo eats real food. My kiddo can walk and talk is on the same trajectory as all the other kiddos they're around. We're fine. I don't have the most money in the world, but we're making ends meet and we're working at it hard, some months are better than others, but we're not on the streets and we're not going to be, my marriage is imperfect, but we are committed and we are working at it and when I smile and hug my spouse, we even feel better together.

 

You'll see those up beat comments talk to our parasympathetic nervous system and tell it to be the boss and tell the sympathetic nervous system to take a little vacation, right? Okay, so now let's talk about your kiddos. Little kiddos still have sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems and they still turn on much like ours. The challenge for them is they don't have the cognitive ability to perceive things in different ways and to make the adjustments within their own mind. So they rely more on us. They don't know the word anxious, so they can't say, mommy, I'm so anxious. I hate going to that place where all those strange kids are. Maybe, yeah? Or they can say that they probably can't verbalize that at one or two. And so they're going to cry and they're going to fuss and they're just going to be yucky and you're not going to know what to do except for this.

 

You're going to help them, they probably still have to go there. Okay. There are adulting things you have to do. They're in good care, but they're nervous so you're going to make sure that their favorite fuzzy or blankie or passy goes with them. Have extras. Don't try to make that a time to get rid of those things and you're going to be sure that your handing them off to somebody who will hold them if they will let them or who is at least kind and comforting to them because that kind comfort, that gentle, hold, those soft things all talk to the parasympathetic system and encourage it to turn on. For kiddos, there's an upside to this, they're easily distracted and so we can get them distracted. Sympathetic will go down, adrenaline flow will go down and parasympathetic will come up. Their confidence will grow and they'll begin to feel more comfortable.

 

So your question is yeah, but they cry every time and I'm like, yes because they have a very short memory, very short, not good memory before four years old and so they're reliving it some every day. It takes much longer for them to move into that adjustment. We try to stay consistent when we're parenting our little ones like this so that they can learn what it's like to be soothed by someone else besides their mom or their dad and also so that they can learn how to do some self soothing. It's not easy for kiddos. Maybe one is too young but in that two, three or four year old where you can encourage them or you can give them little prizes for being brave but also being willing to say sometimes it's really scary and not just because it seems scary doesn't mean that it's dangerous. It just means we have to be brave and do our best.

 

That's hard to understand for two year, three year old, it's easier to understand for five or six year old. We talk about it. We help them as best we can. Usually they will adjust. If they don't, maybe this is really a wrong situation for them. Things that you can't see are happening because you are gone. Talk with teachers or the staff or wherever you are and just make an assessment. Is there a better spot? These kiddos are little. I remember they will also do some of what you do, hold it together until they get home and then they are a total basket case. They were perfectly good all day over there. They said they had a great day and now they are out of control. Yeah, because parasympathetic sat on sympathetic all day long and told they couldn't pump and now it is screaming. This is where you are tired.

 

They are tired and you will want to sit on your sympathetic nervous system and hold onto the para. Remember soothe, calm, slow. Less noise. Less lights, less pixels, less sh. Just quieter. Slower. Calmer. Okay, one more thing because some of you are thinking, yeah, but I wake up in the middle of the night. I've had to find it and I wake up in cold sweats. I wake up in a panic. What is that? Oh, we're back to her. Who's the boss? Right. And parasympathetic went to sleep. So sympathetic said, finally I get to explode. And they do. Right? Oh my Goodness. What do we do when that happens? Well, you're right. Get up. Walk around, good to drink of water, do something that helps regulate that breathing. A couple of yoga moves, some jumping jacks, not your phone probably, and let that parasympathetic move in. It takes awhile for the adrenaline stuff to run out to wear out of your system.

 

And so it takes a little while to dial down. You say, I don't want to do that again. And I'll say, yes, I agree. So during the day you're going to do some things that pay attention to where the anxiety is and you're going to pay more attention to that during the day. So I had a time in my life where I had to pay more attention. It's after both of my parents had passed away. My mom had passed away several years before. Then my dad passed away and I had this incredible feeling of sadness and deep aloneness within me that just kept rattling. Like, you can't do life without them. You can't do life without them. I'm 50 something. I've been doing life for a long time. They have not been in my house or in my life. I lived in California for 15 years without them being anywhere nearby and not internet.

 

But this death part had got me and I did something. I took my dad's ring and I wore it because it reminded me that he had given me and my mom, they'd given me many good things. And it soothed me for several months. Well, there could be things that you do as well to just be aware of what's bumping me all day long that I'm not paying any attention to. So I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and now take care of it during the day in little pieces. Acknowledge, yep, there it is. And take care of it. Remind yourself you're safe. Make a different plan that gives yourself a minute to think about it because anxiety is trying to protect you. Is trying to protect your psyche, trying to protect your body. So listen to it while it talks to you. There's one other brief thing that I want to add to this and this is more from my Christian faith base.

 

I find it quite fascinating. I also find it quite helpful. I didn't do this study. Someone else did this study, around the word in the Bible that is worry or anxiety. And they found that that word was mentioned, oh, 365 times. Interesting. And so I started to look up some of those Bible words in my Bible. And what I noticed was that when the word worry or anxiety is mentioned, it is also mentioned in conjunction with Jesus or God saying, come talk to me. I'm close by you. I won't leave you. I understand you. I'm in it with you, I am for you. He says things like that. I never slumber. I never doze off. I never sleep. I will never forsake you or leave you.

 

Those things in my mind are God's way of saying, look it, I'm right here. When I bump anxiety, when you have that emotion, come and talk to me. I'll comfort you, I'll soothe you, I'll give you a better perspective. I'll help you see things from my viewpoint. I'm in it with you and I'm for you. And so for me, my anxiety also reminds me, talk to Jesus. He's in it with you and He's for you and frankly He's a better protector than your sympathetic nervous system is ever going to be. So that's one of the things that I used as well. Is a thoughtful life that incorporates what does Jesus seeing? Am I really in danger? And a comfort from Him. Some people will call that prayer. I wouldn't disagree. You know, I am for you too. I am cheering. Anxiety is just all around the world and in our everyday life.

 

Staying home is challenging. It is doable. Control your thoughts. Change them up. Write them down, read them out loud. Keep your breathing regular, deep breathes in an out. Comfort each other, encourage each other, affirm each other at what ever age and stage. You are worth it. Your marriage is worth it. Your kiddos are worth it. All right, it's time to sign out. You have other things to do I am sure. I am so glad you stayed in it with me here today. This isn't an easy topic. I'll be touching base with you on the Facebook page at the end of the week on Friday. If you want further conversation and say, yeah, what about, shoot me a little message there and let me know and I'll talk about it then. And you'll get another boost from this podcast with a little more information. Coming soon is a course, DNA for Fun. And it's about how to parent together while you are married forever. And anxiety can take a marriage out and tear a family apart. So join me in there and we'll help you learn more about the skills, about how to manage anxiety, but also how to use skills in everyday life that help your marriage and help your parenting skills at the same time. Be sure to subscribe to Us & Kids, your podcasting app, and I look forward to talking with you again next week. Thanks for joining. Bye bye.