Transcript: 

How to Become Bilingual in Love Languages

 

Hi, welcome to Us & Kids podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. This Us & Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. You know that's not an easy task. So I encourage you to subscribe to Us & Kids in your favorite podcast app. I'm glad you're here so that your marriage and your home can be so fulfilling and very, very good. And today we're going to talk about how to become bilingual. Well, here's the thought that I have when somebody tells me, and today you're going to learn how to speak Spanish in seven easy lessons. I just giggle because I took two and a half years of Spanish. Yeah, no, my Spanish skills are limited to spanglish and my children would mock me because their Spanish skills are up to snuff.

 

Mine are not. I learned that learning a different language is not easy even with a lot of practice. And yet as I've worked with marriages and families over the years, learning to become bilingual in your home and in your relationships is really important. I remember I just said it's not easy. Sometimes it's really clumsy. It's like when I try to say something in Spanish and everybody just rolls their eyes, it's fine to do about Spanish. For me it's not a crucial piece, but being bilingual in my relationships is really important. Or maybe I would call it multilingual because we want to speak love. Those were with and around, especially when we're under tension in their own native language. Now you're thinking, well what do you mean their own native language? Like I live around English speakers so I got the language down. Thank you. Not quite.

 

Here's the thought. Gary Chapman, wrote a book a long time ago. He continues to publish it. It's well known and it's called The five Love Languages. He talks about that we are wired or made as we grew through early childhood to know one of the love languages is the main way that we understand and receive unconditional or deep love from others. Well, it isn't that we don't know and interact with the other four, but we have one that our personality prefers. That is the one that when we are under tension, can calm us down if somebody speaks in your love language to you. So we'll, we'll spell this out a little bit more. The love languages for me to remember them spells tags. T. T. A. G. S. the first love language is touch or physical touch. This is not sexual touch. It goes there some time, but it's not what the love languages.

 

It's a touch of a hand or on his shoulder or sitting next to that has the look and the feel of we're in it together. So sometimes it's holding hands, but sometimes it is also just really good eye contact or a wink. Physical touch sometimes will be experienced as someone sort of be as close to you. They'll try to sneak in front of you to open the door door because not because they're doing an act of service so much, but because they're doing something close to you. So physical touch. I feel most loved when somebody comes physically close to me or touches me for our little kids will often say that is their only language. That is their key language. Some of us will say it about the guys, what other language is there? Hear me out. It's not sexual touch and for little ones it can look like physical touch is their main language because they have sensory neuron things all over their body that respond to their brain and when they're distressed and confused, which can happen often, they have limited language, limited ways to impact their world, and so often they can be confused or stressed.

 

That physical touch will often settled them down. Doesn't mean it's their main language for a little one. It means that physical touch because of the amount of neurons in their body and how it communicates to the brain can really settle them down. As we grow into, you know that 12, 14, 16 year old frame. Then you'll see that we'll go down some, don't eliminate it in any relationship that will go down some and you'll see other ones step into place. The second T one is time, as in quality time, as in no screens, no phone, no falling asleep. Be with me. Well, this doesn't necessarily mean always talking. It can mean that the quality time often means doing something with someone uninterrupted, not playing around with anything else or being distracted. Sometime we'll call quality time, shoulder time. I might be in the kitchen making cookies and quality time might be my husband being there with me.

 

He might be messing around on the computer, but he's also available for me to interact with. So that sort of shoulder time, quality time, other quality time is really being present and available. So we're going to paint the bedroom tonight. Quality time is, I'm in it with you. Let's go on. Affirmation, words of affirmation. This could also be words of kindness or compliments. Words of affirmation can be, Hey, good job on that and that'll work some for actions. But the words of affirmation to really speak into someone's heart are words that talk about their character or who they are as a person. So when you say to them, you know, I watched you with the kids and you are so kind and patient, I just adore that. Those are words of affirmation. Well, some of you are going, Oh my gosh, I'm going to gag.

 

I'll never come up with that. And I'm going to say keep learning and watching, when you throw out words of affirmation or encouragement to the person you're with, see what's what lights them up. Do they want the gushy stuff like that or do they want the other things of, Hey, thank you for getting the dishes done. Hey, you know, I love how you took care of the bill stuff when I thought I was going to, but I didn't get around to it and you just stepped in and did it. Those would be words of affirmation as well. Yes, we're spelling tags with two T's. Remember gifts. This can feel a little overwhelming because we're like, I don't have money to buy you something every day and you want to know I love you every day and I'm supposed to get you something slow down. Okay? Because gifts are small things and big things, but lots of small things because if we are someone who receives love best through gifts, we also have to be realistic that a $500 gift daily to be reminded about how much you love me.

 

Isn't that very practical? So what does language about I'm loved best when you give me a gift look like right? This love language is about being able to give someone small things and big things. So sometimes a gift is, Hey I was at the store and I knew you needed and so I bought you what you needed. I bought you more shampoo. I bought you this hairbrush cause I know the kids wrecked yours. I bought you and it's something that you needed to buy anyways, but you bought it for him. Sometimes it's Starbucks coffee, but sometimes it's also something that's already in your house such as, Hey, you're seated. Do you want me to get you your coffee? Do you want me to get to your water? You said your feet were cold. You don't have anything on and want me to grab your slippers.

 

Now, sometimes this looks like acts of service, but to someone who has the language of gifts, those also can be looked at as part of their love language because you're giving them something. Otherwise they would have had to bother with themselves. The last one we've talked about, touch and time, and affirmation and gifts. The last one is service. These are acts of service or acts of kindness doing things for someone. Acts of service could be like I just said that criss cross of, want me to bring you your slippers? I'll grab them for you. Because that could also be an act of service. It could also be, Hey, as driving your car, I noticed that you needed an oil change so I stopped and got that done, or let me help you get those groceries. I'll bring them in or I'll get that laundry done for you.

 

Okay, you finished putting the kids to bed and I'll fold the laundry. Acts of service are simple things. They can be way big things, but they also, it can be those little things. Okay. So I wanted you to just understand what each one of the languages are and I want you to remember that there will be a PDF that's printable so that if you want to like have something printed out and play with it a little bit more at home, you can do that. We'll talk about this also more when we do a Facebook live on Fridays. So if you want a little bit more energy from that, then be sure to drop by and if you want to drop a message into the Facebook feed about asking me a question about it, I can address that on that Facebook live. All right? And just gives you a little bit more boost to what we're learning here.

 

Okay. Back to the love languages. So all of us have a preferred lead language. It's what we most prefer. Many of us, as we've grown over time, also have a secondary language. I've just told you a whole bunch of definitions, their explanations and part of what I would like you to do is to think, what are mine? What do you think mine are? You might ask the people around you, when do you think I light up the most? Okay, when you hug me or when you do the dishes, what do you think? And then talk with your spouse, your partner, even listen to your kiddos. Try to figure out what is their love language. And we don't say that usually work. Not going to sort of pigeonhole our kiddos into one of these because they're still in development. Okay. Maybe by the time they're 10 or 12 we're going to have that somewhat discerned, but because they're still learning about relationships and how to connect we don't necessarily want to say this is theirs and that's what they got for life.

 

We didn't give them a little bit more space. What do we do with this? I got my language. I want to speak my language. I want you to speak my language. Oh, that part, yes. This is where we have to become bilingual. It helps to know what language your spouse or your partner is speaking. Right? Does it make more sense for me to try to speak Spanish to somebody who only speaks Chinese and the same would be true. No, it doesn't make much sense for me to try to speak with physical touch to somebody whose lead love language is words of affirmation. It would be confusing to them. So we do want to sort of begin to know, especially within our family unit, what love language we're trying to become bilingual with so that we can best speak to those we are near in a way that they deeply hear and quickly hear that you love them.

 

When I speak in their native language, first I get their attention and they become calm and they trust me and that makes it so that the conversation that we are going to have can be serious or not but gets to be heard and communicated and connected for us really nicely. Okay. I have a little example, and this is not necessarily a love language, but I want you to see how it sort of works. So quite awhile ago I had a daughter that was in South Korea and we scrounged up enough money and we said, when else are we going to go to South Korea? Well, we didn't know what else. So we went then. We don't speak Korean on any level, but we learned that we wanted to say something to the Korean people. And so we learned a few basic things. But the one that I remember so much, I was trying to say thank you.

 

We would purchase something or someone would help us with directions and we would try to say thank you. Oh, I'm going to say it for you, but I am sure I'm not saying it well. The way I remember it was "gam-sa-ham-ni-da" a South Korean would correct me quickly and they often looked at me and then they would smile and they would nod and and sort of bow and then they would say, they would try to say in my language, thank you. And they both knew we just murdered that word. But we smiled and we nodded and we appreciated and accepted the effort because we were trying to enter into their world and it wasn't perfect, but we were appreciating both that we had been, um, probably what we had bought and the income that they had received from it, but also the effort to be included in the culture and that's some of what we need to have happen when we are speaking another person's language.

 

We are telling them that we like them and we like the way they are wired. So if I speak to my husband in a way that says I'll spend just quality time right next to you here, that's saying I like this. I'm in it with you. We are telling the people that we are talking with when we talk in their love language first, and reasonably well is we practice. Yes, we are telling them that we trust them not to mock us but rather to support us as we try to muddle through getting it right. That's what those South Koreans did for us. They didn't mock us, at least not to our faces, but it didn't look like they were going to mock us. They supported us as we tried to get it right. If we tried to say it two or three times and we just can't swallow the vowels quite right the way they can, but they didn't mock us.

 

They supported us and that's what you do when when someone's trying to say your love language and trying to figure out how to give you affirmation when they don't hardly like to talk very much at all. They would much rather do an act of service and they're trying to tell you, thank you for being really nice to the kids, but they aren't saying it very smoothly. You nod with them and you say, yeah, you're right. I put out some effort there, but you know I loved them and thank you for noticing. That's what you're going to say. If you want to give some love back, you say, and I noticed that while I was working with the kids, you got the dishes done. It's so good to see the kitchen clean. That person might say back, yeah, because sometimes when you do the kitchen, it's a disaster.

 

Even when it's done. I'm hoping by then you can both laugh, right? And they might be able to say, cause I always appreciate your effort. That's your word of affirmation, and you would say back, and I appreciate that you are better at it than me. Listen to us. We are not being mean, and we're trying to talk each love language. We're saying we want to be connected. I'm willing to risk it to be connected with you. I want you to know I love you just as you are. I love you deeply. And I'll work at it. We're saying there, we're spending the energy on to try to get their love language, right? So I want you to understand this one more time. When we speak in their love language, they hear us better because it's their native or their first language. It's how they hear love best.

 

And first there's no other hoops to jump through. They don't have to translate it in their head and say, Oh yeah, they're speaking their love language. That's an act of service and they did an act of service for me trying to tell me that they love me. You can get there but it's work. It's easy when we can speak right into their love language so I have a little example for you. One person is trying to get the yard done before it rains. My love language is touch, but my spouse's love language is service so I'm going to back off on my desire to come in really close and whisper in their ear and instead I'm going to invite, without pushing into the space of physical touch and I'm going to say, Hey, you want to do something for me? I know you have to leave in about 45 minutes, but I have about 20 more minutes a yard work and I'm worried about not getting it done before it rains.

 

Could you help me? I've just talked to her love language without putting mine in the mix. The response when they start to speak my love language back to me is coming up close look and sort of sly and with a wink. Say, Oh yeah, I'd love to do the lawn with you and then gives you a hug. You both say thank you. A person doing the yard the first time around would have loved to gone up and held their spouse's hand and said, can you help me out? But instead backed off on their love language and spoke it straight and clean to their spouse. Can you help me out? Because their love language is service. They said, heck yes, but in not just saying, Hey, yes, they spoke and came right into the physical space for physical touch to speak back to their spouse. I love you too, and of course I'll do the lawn.

 

You see how fun that is? It's really fun to play around with that. Celebrate the successes. This is not easy. It's bumpy. It can be messy. Just like learning a new language. We started that out when we talked first, right? Help them learn gently, help them through the flocks. Help them figure out what quality time means for you or what kind of physical touch speaks more to you than another kind an act of service. Some people will say, yeah, please help me do the lawn. But somebody else has that act of service of washing the tub, that is an act of service and speaks to my heart like no tomorrow, figure it out. Doesn't mean you don't do the other ones. Listen to feedback from your spouse and some as your kids get older, from your kids about what makes them calm down and hear from you that you love them.

 

Pause for just a second. Let's just remember something. The words I love you mixed in with the love language of I love you, is double money. Do it, don't just say I love you, also act it. And that's what these love languages are is acting it. But they must be said eye to eye, face to face, sincerely, gently, goofy, under tension in the calm. Say it, but also hear this and do it. Okay. I think that's enough. We've got. Just started on thinking about it and wondering about it. So thank you for listening and joining me today. Remember we're trying to do some discussion about it on our Facebook page, and if you have a question about it, then post it there and on Friday I'll chat about it a little bit more. There is also a new program coming, a new course, it's called DNA for fun. It's a communications course for being married forever while you parent together. Two places of growth that we can do in one efficient and effective way. I think that you'll love those and you'll see that some of these ideas about being bilingual are included in that course. So Hey, you're ready. Have a head start on it. Be sure to visit the Us & Kids website to get all the information about signing up, and I look forward to talking with you again soon. Oh yeah, and there's a PDF. I talked about it earlier, but print it out so that you guys can have a lot of fun messing around with becoming bilingual. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye.